Lifetime Movie Recaps

Lifetime Movie Recaps

(I spend my Saturday nights watching this crap for you!  P.S. These movies SUCK.)

Mommy I Didn't Do It : If you love the 90s, this Lifetime movie recap is for YOU. Also, if you love really shitty movies that make absolutely no sense.

Stalked By My Doctor: The Return : Dr. McCreepy PawPaw is back! The sequel to Stalked By My Doctor and it gave me LIFE.

Boy In The Attic : Callie falls in love with Luke/Diner Boy/BOY IN THE ATTIC/Michael Collins and we are left dangling in another story of Lifetime WTF Logic. 

Killer Coach : Was this movie's undoing the Killer Coach or the Killer Cooch? You be the judge. 

Newlywed and Dead : Kristen learns that marrying a guy with mommy issues and a hankering to win a Golden Turd For Worst Lifetime Acting is a terrible idea.

Mother, May I Sleep With Danger (2016) : The atrocity of a film remake by James Franco will make you wish you were a vampire and he was lunch. On another note, Tori Spelling look great!

Killing Mommy : The ratchet weave Deb and Julianna both wear is the most interesting thing about this movie.

You May Now Kill The Bride : Lifetime celebrates wedding season with a psycho sister who has the feels for her brother. Basically, Lifetime's Ew Factor attacks the institution of marriage.

The Maid : Why would anyone stalk the pretty popular blonde sorority girl? Maybe because she was a mean bitch in high school. Lifetime's stereotypes on fleek!

I Didn't Kill My Sister : Heather may have not killed her sister, but Lifetime is killing me with these convoluted plots. 

Dying To Be Loved : Teens in peril and the Lifetime Police Department doing its worst, per usual. Overall, I was dying for this movie to be over.

The Cheerleader Murders : Cheerleaders are in peril and, also, dead. The murderer? Well, I've got a theory. It could be bunnies. 

The Perfect Daughter : I have no idea what the hell just happened in this movie. You be the judge. #LifetimeIsWACK

Mommy's Little Girl : Lifetime is so generous to provide us with free birth control in the form of 10 year old demon spawn, Sadie. She has quite the future as a supervillian.

The Stepchild : A teen in peril and another Lifetime pervert story line. Lifetime has unleashed the sex offenders for real tho.

Nightmare Nurse : We return to Lifetime's roots with the typical crazy bitch plot device. The only real nightmare is how long this movie is without a commercial break. Basically, do not hire any in home nurses that work for Lifetime.

Suicide Note : No, this is not something I write every Saturday night I finish watching a Lifetime movie. Actually, this one is a mystery and spoiler alert, it was the boyfriend, on the roof, with his fist.

Pregnant at 17 : It is loads of fun to be a teen mistress, when you are on Lifetime that is! 

Manson's Lost Girls : Hanging out with the (Charles) Manson family on a Saturday night? Why yes, yes I did. 

Toni Braxton: UnBreak My Heart : Another Lifetime biopic about someone who is still making Grammy award winning albums. Da f*ck?

The Wrong Car : Rideshares gone wrong. Uber surely dislikes Lifetime more than I do now. Seriously tho, but what about the pineapple Trudy? 

My Sweet Audrina : Another Lifetime V.C. Andrews adaption. At least there is no incest!

Don't Wake Mommy : Beth is a #Lifetimepsychodoingpsychothangs and the craziest part? It bores the viewers to tears. The baby's shrilling ear bleeding screams steal the show. #futureteeninperil

Stalked By My Doctor : Dr. McCreepy PawPaw wants a teenage girl to be his wife. The best way to woo her? By stalking, of course. More ew courtesy of Lifetime.

The Preacher's Sin : The only way to accurately describe this movie is 2 hours of my life I will NEVER get back. However, I did learn what a "ghost party" was and how to throw one - Thanks, Lifetime. #lessonslearned

Caught : A prank gone wrong and two actresses careers gone wrong all in one movie. Oh, and a lesson in DIY Chloroform.

Online Abduction : Matthew is super pissed at his stepdaughter, Isabel, for letting little Tommy get abducted at the park. Never mind the fact that Tommy is allowed to eat fish gravel as a snack. Another recycled missing child plot with dumb Lifetime parents.

16 & Missing : Abbey runs away from her mom and mom's new douchebag husband to be with her thirtysomething 23 year old online boyfriend. Another Lifetime teen in peril script rehash.

The Unauthorized Melrose Place Story : Not even the real Heather Locklear could save this movie.

The Unauthorized Beverly Hills, 90210 Story : A little 90210 and a whole LOT of Shannen Doherty. 

Murder In Mexico : Bruce Beresford-Redman is a surivor, he not gonna give up, but his wife, on the other hand, is assuming the Lifetime position.

Ungodly Acts : Joining a cult is no fun, especially the Lifetime kind. This movie was based on a true story, and was truly dullsville.

The Murder Pact : A Lifetime movie that did not suck? What is THIS? (in my Jack Skellington voice)

My Stepdaughter : Don't date men with teenagers. Especially ones who look they could cameo as one of the Girls of Old Town in Sin City or work as a WWE Diva. Just don't. #yourewelcome

River Raft Nightmare : You should really never go white water rafting with a dumb Lifetime mom and teen in peril.

Fatal Flip : Alex and Jeff's little HGTV fantasy goes wrong when the shirtless, but evil, Handyman shows up to cause chaos. Oh, and Alex does not help the situation one bit by making googly eyes at Handyman Nate. Some girlfriend you got there, Jeff.

The Unauthorized Full House Story : Another Lifetime biopic at its worst. We must stop Lifetime with these biopics. Also, Lifetime's "Bob Saget" must be stopped in this movie.

Sugar Babies : Like Lifetime's Sugar Daddies, but not really. Katie is a co-ed who needs money and instead of getting a job or earning it any decent way, she heads to The Lifetime Hooker Lounge for advice.

Fatal Memories : Sutton's mom is dead and everyone but Sutton thinks April is the killer. This movie includes a transparent plot twist that rivals that time M. Night Shamalamadingdong made water poison to the evil aliens. Pure shit on a stick, folks.

His Secret Family : Brandon takes a page right out of Barney Stinson's playbook when he attempts the elusive Lorenzo Von Matterhorn play. While his wife Sarah catches on to his "secret," the Lifetime Police Department is all #yousonofabeech.

Lost Boy : Is the reappearance of her long lost son really REAL or #nahhh?  Does this confused teenage boy just need love or is he really a sociopath or #nahhh?  Do I give a fuck or #nahhh? Find out here in my recap of the first Lifetime movie ever to REALLY piss me off (which says a lot).

The Bride He Bought Online : Three little assholes teenagers decide to play a "funny" prank on a lonely computer programmer.  Lifetime teenagers = free birth control.

Lethal Seduction : A psycho cougar and teens in peril.  Oh, and poorly written script. 

Perfect High : Amanda is a dancer with a hankering for the magical beans doled out by the pharmaceutical genie. She's a gem - a little LiLo mixed with some Courtney Love. Will she spiral into a life of heroin chic or ride the rehab wave? 

Double Daddy : Connor finds out Beyonce's Drunk in Love is better left to the Visual Album than in real life when he ends up knocking up not one, but two teenagers. Heather, a future Farrah Abraham in training, decides she's gonna keep her baby (oh-oh), but three's company and four's a KILLER. A Lifetime teen-drama-psycho ride!

Sugar Daddies/The Babysitter's Black Book (Mini-Recap) : Will Lifetime delve any deeper into the land of the gross with underage girls and old men bumping uglies? Choo choo, all aboard the "ewww" train.