April 14, 2017

6 (MORE) Kinds Of Annoying People In The Grocery Store



A long, long, long time ago in my bloggerific career, I wrote a post titled:


It was all about people in the grocery store that suck monkey butt. Many of you shared my opinions of said individuals and several of you even laughed. And I got to thinking today, you know, there are more types of people in the grocery store that need to be addressed. Thus, this post was born in the mentally unhealthy mind of yours truly, Mili Wifey.

Yup, I am talking about myself in the third person AGAIN.

Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the biggest douchebag of all?

I'm not really a narcissist.
I just play one on this blog.

But truly, I digress.

Without further ado, here are 6 (MORE) Kinds Of Annoying People In The Grocery Store.

The Straggler

I just came in for two things, tomato sauce and some milk. My grocery experience should ONLY take 5-10 minutes, tops. But, BUT, there you were - The Straggler. Pontificating over which tomato sauce to purchase for hours. I cannot get around you to grab one simple can. I reach, I try, you move again. 

I wonder what it is you must be thinking so hard as you go through this process. Perhaps you have questioned:

"Maybe I should get it with basil."

"Hunts or Ragu. There in lies the rub."

"Do I really need sauce? Can you just squeeze a tomato and get the same thing?"

"What was it I came in here for again?"

I have all the answers for you, asshat. How about move out of the way so that I can grab my can and go on with my life? Because as you stand there like you are choosing the correct key to open the Gates of Hell, I am losing minutes, no wait, hours of my life.

But no, you still stand there staring into the dismal abyss of sauce and I am all:

One of these days.
#immaloseit #itwontbepretty

Express My Ass

Ah, the express checkout lane. Meant for those of us who simply need to grab a few items and quickly exit the store. 

Then, there is this woman:


Who clearly saw the sign that reads "12 Items Or Less" as "1,200 Items Or More." She usually has a tribe of children attached on each limb, all of which are screaming, one of which has appeared to have pooped his diaper an hour or so ago. She has never used an express checkout and has to call over a store employee at least three times for assistance. Oh, and NONE of her credit cards are working.

These are the times I really question my life choices, people.

Separate Purchases Punk

Nothing like finally making it to the front of the line, thinking you are going to be checking out soon, to hear from the one person in front of you:

"Oh. Um. I am going to be doing five different transactions. One of which I will write a check for, one I will pay in cash, one I will use a store gift card, one I will use one of my 15,000 credit cards (whichever is working) and one I will change my mind because I cannot pay for it and ask you to put all the products back."

Me:


Clerk That Doesn't Wanna Work

Sometimes the people that can be annoying are the actual store employees. Such as when you encounter one like this:

Me: Oh hi, how are you?

Lazy Ass Employee: Girl, I am so tired. I am ready to get off and out this place.

Me: Have you been working all day?

Lazy Ass Employee: No, my shift just started.

Me:


OR this employee:

Me: Hi, are you open?

Lazy Ass Employee: (looks at me, and my cart full of groceries) Ahem, uh, no, I don't think so, girl. I'm about to be on my break in 15 minutes. Sorry.

And here you thought Americans were complaining about unemployment.



Pickup On Aisle 69

This guy:


I know, I KNOW. You have Tinder, Bumble and the grocery store, apparently. I am in the store to pick up produce and he is in the store to pick up booty.

Like the time I was just in the store to pick up laundry detergent and this conversation occurred:

Pickup Douche: Um, do you know which of these are the best.

Me: Which of what?

Pickup Douche: These laundry powders.

Me: Oh, well I like Tide.

Pickup Douche: Well, hey, I like you. 

Me: I'm married.

Pickup Douche: Happily? C'mon just have a drink with me.

Me:


Because this kind of thing ALWAYS happens to me when I just came to pick up one thing. I do not have time for this Grocery Store Fuckery. Try a bar, a matchmaking service or your hand, buddy and leave me alone.

Le Sigh.

Tazmanian Shopping Cart Devil

What in the actual fuck, man?

Do you see that area marked CART RETURN? Did you think they built that just for fun or to annoy us by using up more parking spots? No, dickweed, that is where the cart you used is to be returned. It is not to be flung into the air like a frisbee that is now in full force heading towards the bumper of my car.


Can we ship these people to another planet? Please?

Have you encountered any of these people at your grocery store? What kinds of people annoy you at the grocery store? Let me know in the comments below!

And I have to grocery shop tomorrow, kill me now, because I am,


40 comments:

  1. I really do think some grocery stores need Express Lane Police!

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  2. Oh my gosh, yes!!!!!!! The straggler drives me crazy!

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  3. People who go through express checkout with a million stuff piss me off too!

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    Replies
    1. The worst!! They need to be banned! Lol

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  4. chill is all I can say. Easier said than done. I think the lazy clerk is the most irritating.

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    Replies
    1. Nothing like a lazy employee!
      Hahaha I'm actually laid back ;) I'm a southern girl.

      Delete
  5. The sad thing about pickup douche is he asks every girl until one eventually takes the bait

    he'll snag woman who probably complains about there's no good men out there. Pro-tip, don't date douches. Guys that do this at the grocery store will do it behind your back.

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    Replies
    1. Omg this comment is spot on!!! Totally true!

      Delete
  6. I've been known to ride the trolleys down the isles when it's quiet but I think ours are more solidly built than yours (from what I've seen are plastic?). I don't think there's a shop in the country that accepts cheques these days, the only reason they still exist I think are to pay for school trips. I get annoyed with people that refuse to use their contactless card and insist on putting it into the machine and entering the pin.

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    Replies
    1. People do still write checks here! And then there's the food stamp cards. A million transactions and it's usually when only one person is open.

      Delete
  7. I worked at two grocery stores in the past and all of these annoyed me. Lazy fellow clerks who whine....ugh. Also, people who fill a cart with stuff, then they mix and match itens at the register to see what combination they can pay for.

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    Replies
    1. Oh yeah!! I've seen those! Bless you for working at the grocery store!

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  8. Haha - I've never been picked up at the grocery store. Actually, I've never been picked up anywhere. Not even once. Apparently I have a shield of bitchiness or something that keeps guys away. I hate going to the grocery store for all of these reasons and many more!

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  9. Bahahah ain't that the truth... Although I am that person trying to figure out which tomato sauce to buy... HAHA

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    Replies
    1. Lmao!! Sometimes I'm that person too..don't tell anyone I'm a hypocrite. ;)

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  10. The grocery cart people annoy the hell out of me so much! I'll always remember I had just gotten my brand new car and parked at the back of the parking lot so nobody would mess it up, and then somebody didn't put their cart away and the wind pushed it into my brand new car! I was so ticked off!

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  11. OMG that shopping cart gif! lol I always seem to get behind the people that are imitating sloths. I have shopping cart road rage just get the fuck outta my way.

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    Replies
    1. Oh I know those people!! For Boston to be fast paced, a lot of those people sure do hang out at the grocery stores. But the South is the land of sloths!! Lol lol
      Can't wait to meet you soon girl!!

      Delete
  12. The first one annoys me the most. I'll even say "excuse me" hoping they'll move long enough for me to grab what I need, but that rarely happens. Instead, I'm stuck standing there for a day and a half while they decide what specific brand or kind to get.

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    Replies
    1. I do the exact same!! Excuse me doesn't work on these people!!

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  13. EVERY ONE OF THESE! My mom actually had to pay $900 when she got a MASSIVE dent on her side door from a cart that flew right into her car during a storm (we watched it happen from inside a nail salon.) 'The clerk that doesn't want to work" also had my cracking up. So funny because these are all so true!

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    1. Omg!! That pisses me off! People are so rude. Just push it back in the cart return people!

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  14. Aargh! Those people! They make me ask, "Whyyyyy???!"
    Especially the unhappy employee. Dude, there are lots of people who would want to work here. If you're not happy, work in a storage or somewhere else where you don't have to deal with customers.

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    Replies
    1. Exactly!! This is why I love Trader Joe's. The employees are always so happy!

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  15. Ugh, yes. I've seen all of these people and they make me stabby. When I go the commissary I'm usually trying to get around an old person trying to decide what soup they want. I say excuse me, but I still get the stink eye.

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    1. Lmaoooo those are the worst! I could write an entire post on idiots at the commissary/px. Like whhyyyyyyy is there only one checkout open at the px always????

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  16. I wrote a poem about this once. http://s1ckb1tch.blogspot.com/2014/04/g-is-for-grocery-shopping.html

    The six-separate-purchases-in-the-express-lane people make me SOOOOOOOOOO AAAAAAAANGRY. It is the reason I will never ever go to Walmart on Friday night or Saturday.

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  17. One word: Clicklist. I tell people this like it's a big deal, but it's NOT! I seriously get too stressed in the grocery store. I've experienced what must be panic attacks when I've felt trapped in an aisle with carts all around me...it's a claustrophobia thing, I guess? Anyway, so now I go to Clicklist or Walmart Online Grocery and pick out all my items, schedule a time, and go sit in a parking space while they load it into my truck. Occasionally I have to go to the store for one item and I always remember why I HATE grocery shopping because, I swear, I encounter every annoying person you've mentioned, even if it's a random Wednesday at 10 am. (It's ALL stragglers at that hour!) I think when I did grocery shop, I was the Tasmanian Devil. I wanted out of there ASAP. I even tried listening to audiobooks while shopping to calm myself down. That helped for a while.

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    1. They have that back home in Louisiana (Kroger), but not here! Our Walmarts aren't super walmarts either (no super anything!). We do have delivery but I'm not a fan of paying two prices to do delivery...so I'm stuck!! Screw you Massachusetts! Lol (did I mention everything here closes at 9???)

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  18. OMG literally had a "The Straggler" this week in the flippin bread isle right in front of the burger buns I needed. Stood there for like 5 minutes and every time I tried to just grab the buns he would move right in front of me. I wanted to throat punch him!!! I have bad grocery store rage ;)

    And the carts...don't even get me started. My son puts them up at Target every time we go cause people are either blind or lazy as hell and can't walk two feet to the cart return and instead put their cart in the middle of a parking space I am trying to pull into. Now I expect this at Hellmart but not my beloved Tarjay. Bahahahaha

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    Replies
    1. Hahahaha. Yeah, those Target buffoons can be just as bad!!

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  19. You crack me up! I get annoyed when people are in a checkout lane and doing nothing and yet send us to another lane where there are a zillion people in line.

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  20. I usually get in the express aisle behind the guy buying 27 bags of tater tots which is is going to pay for with a personal check from the bank of Kazakhstan. I did have my sweet revenge on a guy who cut off another driver and took the last handicapped spot from an elderly woman with the tag clearly hanging from her rearview mirror, then SPRINTS into the store, shoving some little kid out of his way. I rounded up all the stray carts and started placing them around his vehicle. Other's that witnessed his behavior soon helped in. In about 5 minutes we had about 40 carts blocking him in, at which point I gave a very generous tip to one of the onlooking stockboys to put them away when all was said and done. Then we just drove off, wondering how long it took "I'm more important than everyone" to get his car free. CAR-ma.

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    1. Omg what a total asshole...I see people cut in front of elderly people in line or sigh and make faces when elderly people are trying to figure out the machines in the store and just groan. One day you'll be old too, you dick!!

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