February 2, 2017

A Mili Wifey Rant: Fifty Shades Shittier



Today, I am serving you up a rant. Mili Wifey style. I know, I KNOW. I am normally an extremely positive person, but, BUT, I just cannot take it anymore.

If I see that bound from Satan's colon, stinking pile of evil poo poo known as the Fifty Shades Darker trailer ONE.MORE.TIME.

I am going to LOSE MY SHIT.

Enough is enough, people.

In case you have been living under a rock, or have not turned on a television or radio, or have not watched a YouTube video or just in general, have not been a breathing member of the human species, Fifty Shades Darker, the follow up to the first horrendous shit pie "film," is coming to theaters. And because of course it is, the release date is Valentine's Day. Because who does not want to watch a little booty spanking and handcuffing on Valentine's Day, right?


Mili Wifey tried to watch Fifty Shades Of Grey (yep, I am talking about myself in the third person again so you know I mean business). About 10 minutes into the movie, I wanted to dial up the CIA and inform them to stop whatever they were doing in the torture department because watching this film would cause anyone to offer up vital information immediately. This movie seriously needs a disclaimer that it has been known to cause excessive heartburn, brain fluid leakage, ass chapping from the runny poo you will have after sitting through the diarrhea dialogue, and really, just flat out ignorance.

AND NOW, they have made another movie. It seems the studio is trying damn hard to pull some sort of unauthorized Jedi mind trick by planting the trailer EVERYWHERE. Before ANYTHING. In EVERY.SINGLE.COMMERCIAL. This way, some poor saps will be drug to the movie by their significant other on Valentine's Day.

My friends, this trailer is horrible. If I hear Dakota Johnson say one more time:

Are you offering me hearts and flowers, Christian?

And I hear "What Is Happening To ME!!!" sung at some pitch only dogs can hear by Zayn (featuring T-Swift, because of course it is).

THIS is going to be Mili Wifey:


I am holding you responsible, Universal Pictures. 

Legit, Military Husband send THEM the bill for the funeral.
#andcollectsomecoins

Really, friends. I have never been subjected to something this intolerable in the form of advertising a movie. Can this madness end now? Wait, what? There is going to be a third movie? Fifty Shades Freed?

I QUIT LIFE.

Are you sick of the Fifty Shades Darker trailer? Will you be watching this movie? Is anyone else just as annoyed as I am? Let me know in the comments below!

I am in a Fifty Shades Shitshow, because I am,


66 comments:

  1. Oh my pug.lolololololololol................................mom says we can't watch anything that is not G rated.....um. stellie rose

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  2. NOT A CHANCE. I read about 50 pages of the first book and then wanted to throw it in a fire. Dumbest thing I'd ever read. You couldn't pay me to see the movie(s).

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    1. Clearly we are in the wrong business. My pugs could write a better script! Why does this make money??

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  3. Haha I love how you have the meme of Charlie Hunnam because he was supposed to be Christian Grey! I literally laughed my way through the whole first movie because it was just so terrible!

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  4. My momma read it way back when it was a thing - it sucked then and it sucks now. For a sposed to be sexy book, she said it wuz da unsexiest thing she'd ever read. And she went to law school.

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  5. Hahaha! I actually haven't seen the trailer mostly because my TV stays on CNN or Food Network. It's definitely a mess of an idea.

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    1. Oh flip to any major network. Or watch a youtube video. That damn thing is EVERYWHERE.

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  6. Don't get me started on the trash that is this novel series and movie series. This is what happens when you let desperate housewives and millenials hang out!

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  7. I tried reading the first book and almost threw up on it. This past Christmas, we used it to light the fire.

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  8. At the touch of her lips it grew long and swollen. He signed as she squeezed and pulled expertly. It was the best damn balloon giraffe Mr. Grey had ever seen.

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  9. LOL...at LBJ.
    As far as the movie/books...Nope, never even wanted to read the book when it was popular.

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  10. I clearly live under a rock as I have not seen the trailer. But I have no interest, never read the books, won't see the first movie . . . and I really never watch TV.

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  11. The first movie was seriously the worst thing ever. But then again, the books were pretty damn awful as well! Don't think I'll be paying to watch the 2nd or the 3rd film...

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    1. God I know!! I can't imagine paying to see this!!

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  12. My wife recently watched the first movie. I just couldn't force myself to watch it with her

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  13. I tried to read the first book, and gave up after a few chapters because it was SO bad. So I didn't even bother with the movie. And I agree, they're pushing the one too much. Ugh.

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    1. It's all you see!! I'm so sick of the ads!! Go away 50 Shades of Shit!!

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  14. LOL! This trailer was on as I was reading this post!!
    -Kristen
    www.pugsandpearls.com

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  15. Haha. I read the books and had some issues with them - no desire to see the movies!

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    1. I skimmed the books online. Just horrible.

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  16. I have not seen any trailers yet and we'll just keep it that way. Have a great weekend.

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  17. Are you happy? So happy! He's changing. I can't even can't anymore when it comes on.

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    1. Oh my effing god I know!!! If I hear that song again..."I don't want to live faheverrrrrrrrr!!"
      Yeah I don't want to live when this trailer is on.

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  18. LOL, I never watched the movie or read the book. Had no idea they planned to make a sequel! I had friends try and get me to go watch it, and I was like no thanks. I assume it's like porn for women? Or like a romance novel brought to the big screen? Either way, it didn't interest me.

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    1. It's SO awful. Magic Mike? Women porn. 50 Shades?? Dull poo poo warming in the corner. Lol

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    2. Are there three books? Please I hope not. I don't want to Google it to find out. I'll just wait until next Valentine's Day.

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    3. I think there are more than that!! She wrote a book from Christian's perspective or some shit. Horrrrrrrrible!!
      (But the movie series is contracted for 3)

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    4. gh. And a new cycle of men telling me I look like "that chick from 50 shades" with a wink has started too. Which first of all, no. Because if you are a brunette female with bangs, you must want to be umm banged. I was really mad I missed the ending of the movie where Winnie Cooper was the wrong woman (before she was the mommy of the girl who didn't do it) to go out last night!

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    5. Lol!! Gahhhh omg those men need an ass kicking lol.

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  19. Not seen the first one, not going to. No intention of seeing the second one. All looks so fake.

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  20. Honestly the premise just makes me SO angry! Why would anyone want to subject themselves to that :( it is so sad and I haven't read/ watched any of it and you couldn't pay me to!

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    1. I totally agree. It's a testament to our society. Pretty sad how far morals have dropped.

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  21. Yeah, I've been streaming Hulu a LOT lately and 50 Shades is in the rotation. That Dakota woman is just bleh. Kinda like Kristen Stewart. I did try to read 50 Shades...made it a couple of chapters in before I said, "NAH." Don't get me wrong--I love a good romance novel. But that was a BAD romance novel. Just so poorly written. I know she only got a bestseller because she had an online following for her fanfic.

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  22. The acting is terrible, and the movie sucks but I have a feeling I'll be the first in line to snag my tickets. Haha!

    God bless,
    XO, Claire
    Http://www.littlemissfashionqueen.com

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  23. I tried to watch the first one and it was wretched. Not a chance in hell I'm watching the second.

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  24. I didn't read the book and I watched the movie out of curiosity but not a big fan.

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  25. That movie looks TERRIBLE! I didn't even watch the first one because I knew I'd hate it. I did read the books and spent most of my time rolling my eyes.

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    1. I read some reviews today. Apparently, it is WORSE than the first one! LOL

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  26. Okay sooooo, totally agree about the books. Not the best written things, but being a part of a romance book reviewing community, I try not to PUBLICLY bash an author haha. I was a bit surprised on how much attention the books got. I've read them all and yeah ... Not many know this, but 50 shades is a fan fiction of twilight, can you believe that?! I wasn't a fan of the first one, but I'll probably be the opposite of everyone here commenting and will see the next movie. I'm a movie person, I don't have high expectations. Your post made me laugh though! Don't hate me!

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    1. Haha I don't hate you at all. I see every movie....free.....it's a little thing called torrent sites but you know...don't tell the FBI. ;)
      (I say publicly)

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  27. There are NO WORDS for how much I despise the Fifty Shades thing. I watched the first movie because I was basically forced to against my will. It would have been more fun to stab needles into my eyes. This one manages to actually look worse and I think that deserves some kind of award right there. Preferably one that the filmmakers and stars have to collect in person...in the fiery depths of Hell.

    Also, can we just talk about the fact that Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan are two of the most boring people that ever appeared in a major motion picture?

    And the line that kills me in a bad way is where she says something like, "I said yes to dinner because...I was hungry." Oh, ALL THE LOLZ! Ugh. I have to go vomit now.

    Sorry. I just have a lot of feelings. ;-)

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    1. Lmfaoooooo. You know, I used to to think Mariah Carey's Glitter was bad and Spiceworld was bad but this franchise may have one upped them!!
      Sad thing is this movie will make a ton of money. Especially in Boston...I mean you know everyone here has already seen Manchester BTS and Patriots Day. It's the enivitable Valentines Day choice!! Lmao

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  28. I attempted to read the book. I hated it. If I had a date and he wanted to see that for Valentines Day I'd have to say, "See Ya" Now if he wanted to take me to see Lego Batman I'd be ok with that.

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  29. LOL preach it girl!! I tried real hard to read the first book but I was all gag I can't I need lots of alcohol to stomach this it was so bad!

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  30. Are you sure you don't just love to hate it?! Hehe!

    God bless,

    XO, Claire

    Http://www.littlemissfashionqueen.com

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