January 2, 2017

Lifetime Movie Network Recap: Mommy I Didn't Do It



Christmas trees litter the streets, the remnants of New Year's Eve reeks in the gutters of New York City and Lifetime charges ahead through the green light to begin the 2017 Shitstorm Movie Parade.

And my friends, it did not disappoint.

Sunday night's movie titled "Mommy, I Didn't Do It" is a sequel to the 2013 Lifetime movie "The Wrong Woman" starring Danica McKellar. You know Danica, as in Winnie Cooper, as in:


Trudy, the mystery woman in Ted Mosby's bed.

I should make a Christmas theme movie snack, for real. #becauseIamTedMosby

Because this is a whirling pile of runny poo poo fantastic journey into filmmaking wizardry, I suggest you grab yourself a strong, make that vibranium style cocktail, to endure this recap.

Be like me in 2017.
Drink your supper.

We open "Mommy I Didn't Do It" with a man Assuming The Lifetime Position after being stabbed by a woman on the beach. 

I will go ahead and make an educated guess that someone is gonna tell their "mommy" that it was not they that did "it."


But truly, I digress.

We then find attorney Ellen Plainview giving her closing statement that her client is innocent because "he didn't do it." 


And of course, the judge tosses the case out of court and Ellen wins!


Because Lifetime, bitches.

After court, Ellen returns home and brings her 17 year old daughter Julie sushi to make up for missing the high school brunch. Julie is completely an asshole uninterested and tells Ellen she is spending the evening with her BFF Sylvie. Ellen is a single mom who works hard to pay the mortgage on a condo in Malibu and bring home pricey takeout, but Julie makes certain to let Ellen know what a piece of utter dog shit she is for not being home to take care of Julie's needs. 

Teenagers, man.


And as we all know, the Lifetime kind are the WORST.

The next day, Ellen receives visitors at the door. Detective Ogawa and Detective Hamer, played by none other than:


Jaleel White, aka Steve Urkel. From this moment forward, Detective Hamer shall be known as Detective Urkel. #becauseTGIF

Detective Hamer and Detective Urkel ask Julie about her whereabouts Thursday night and did she know a Mr. Dutton. Julie replies that Mr. Dutton was her English teacher and tennis coach. Welp, looks like Mr. Dutton was stabbed on the beach and surprise, Julie is under arrest for his murder. Julie immediately yells:

MOMMY, I DIDN'T DO IT!

Me:

At this rate, sobriety is light years away.
Thanks LMN.

Julie swears she was at her BFF Sylvie's house on the night of the crime. But, BUT, according to Detective Urkel, Julie's fingerprints are in Mr. Dutton's car, an eyewitness saw her at the crime scene, the killer was left handed like Julie and there is a video of her and Sylvie leaving the house. Detective Urkel gets all spitfire, huffing and puffing, auditioning for one of those "Golden Noogies for Best Actor in a Shitty Lifetime Movie" and lets Ellen she is a terrible mother.

Out of nowhere, Detective Urkel yells:

"I need to take a leak!"


The fuckery, folks. Lifetime really knows how to pay that fuckery forward.

In other news, bail is set for $750,000 because Julie is a flight risk. Ellen does not have the money for bail and Julie launches into another whiney diatribe about Ellen being the biggest pile of donkey doo mom on earth, life sucks, being a teenager is the worst, and she cannot do jail even though Orange Is The New Black was like, totally, her favorite Netflix binge.


In the background, Lifetime goes above and beyond to prove that jail is super bad by having two inmates randomly get into a shoving match behind Julie.

Wow, Danica. This is really, really, REALLY bad. 

But really tho, get them coins, girl.

I hope Lifetime made it rain in your wallet.

The next morning, Detective Ogawa and Detective Urkel arrive at Ellen's house with a search warrant and keep hope alive that the Lifetime Police Department is in the most incompetent in the land.

Proof? 

1) Detective Urkel finds a diary, does not read a page, but yells, and I poop shoot you not, "AHA!" 2) Detective Ogawa sees a knife stand in the kitchen with a missing butcher knife. She immediately marks it is as evidence without asking if the knife is, you know, kicking it in the dishwasher or something. 
3) Another Lifetime Police Officer finds weed in the home and Detective Urkel shakes his head like "oh, it's on now." 

Really, REALLY?

Um. This is Malibu. As in California. Hey Urkel:

Smoke weed all day, D-O-double G.

Le Sigh.

We move to the arraignment and Ellen pleads for Julie to be released from jail. The judge denies the request. Ellen asks Julie where she and Sylvie went that night. Julie tells Ellen some half cocked story they went to a taco stand, but it was closed. Ellen leaves and heads over to the apartment of her former boyfriend Ben Soverin, a writer. Ben is played by Jonathan Bennett.

You know:


From this point forward, Ben shall be known as Aaron Samuels. #grool

Ellen asks Aaron Samuels if he will help with the murder case. She needs a support system desperately. And Aaron is all:

You should have told your agent that when he offered up this script.
#justNO

The next day, Ellen attends Julie's preliminary hearing. Assistant District Attorney Kimberly Bates tells Julie she is a cow patty of a mother and is a damned fool to defend her own daughter. Sheesh, Ellen cannot catch a break from mental abuse.

When this trial over, Ellen is going to need to borrow some of whatever Mariah Carey was tripping on in Times Square.

All she wants for Christmas is quaaludessssssss.
#oooohhhbaby

Nevertheless, the judge agrees to release Julie from prison under Ellen's watch. Ellen learns that Mrs. Dutton has accused Julie of stalking Mr. Dutton. Julie tells Ellen that Mrs. Dutton was crazy and always spying on him at school. Ellen decides to confront Mrs. Dutton.

Oh! And Mrs. Dutton is:


Jamie Lynn Sigler aka Meadow Soprano. This movie is a who's who of out of work actors who need cash. BADLY. #obviously

Meadow tells Ellen that Julie was a psycho obsessed with her husband and she hopes Julie "burns in hell." 

Oh Meadow, Lifetime is hell.


The next day, Ellen asks Sylvie what happened the night Mr. Dutton died. Sylvie tells Ellen that she and Julie spent the evening with Robert and Pascal, two French tourists. Ellen returns home and Julie tells her that she did, in fact, hang out with the two French tourists and smoke pot with them. Suddenly, the case file arrives and Ellen discovers nasty text messages from Julie to Mr. Dutton and a page in Julie's diary that reads:

GENE DUTTON MUST DIE!


The next day, Ellen works on her case using Lifetime's LegalResearch.com. Yep, Ellen must have passed the "Lifetime Bar."

I can't. #justcanteven

She decides to take her case file to Aaron Samuels house and is greeted by a girl in a towel. The girl tells Ellen that she will give the file to Aaron Samuels. The next morning, Aaron Samuels is at the courthouse and he has research that will help with the case. 

Way to save the day, Aaron Samuels!

But really I am all:

Drunk as a skunk.
#Lifetimeiskillingme

Julie's trial is stupid and boring, but mostly stupid. Here is a fast forwarded version:

1) Ellen's opening statement is, and rightly so, that the Lifetime Police Department is fucked and Julie is a victim of said fuckery.
2) Ellen points out that Detective Ogawa and Detective Urkel are both complete morons.

and 

3) Ellen notes that Mrs. Dutton is just peeved Mr. Dutton was a creepy perv who saddled "The Lifetime Ew Factor" chasing down high school girls.

However, the Assistant District Attorney has an eye witness. He swears he saw Julie killing Mr. Dutton that evening. Oh noes! Aaron Samuels has an idea though. They should go to the scene of the crime and prove the eyewitness wrong. Also, they should totally sit on a park bench and play Put The Cream In The Cannoli. 

And Ellen is all:


The next day, Ellen proves that the eye witness was wrong, manipulated and all WRONG because The Lifetime Police Department. Then, Sylvie takes the witness stand and tells the jury that she and Julie were at the beach until 4 in the morning with the French boys smoking weed. She took the boys to buy more smokes and left Julie all to her own devices to kill Mr. Dutton. Ellen is upset and asks Julie to be honest with her. Julie admits that she and Mr. Dutton had an affair, but she ended the relationship when Mr. Dutton got super weird. She swears that she did not stab Mr. Dutton.

I know, I KNOW. Who stabbed Mr. Dutton?


On the last day of the trial, a boy named Steve who has a crush on Julie tries to take the blame for her. This is a fail because Steve was at a geek concert in San Diego the night of the murder. Ellen gives her tearful closing argument and Aaron Samuels and she head to dinner. While they are at dinner, Julie calls Ellen to tell her that she read the case file. There was a homemade CD in Mr. Dutton's car with hip hop music. Mr. Dutton hated hip hop! 

All they have to do is find a girl who liked fooling around with old married men that really enjoyed hip hop music.

This should be SO easy. Just go around asking:


Word to your sleuthing skillz.

After dinner, Ellen returns home and finds a voicemail on her cell phone. Julie has told Sylvie her theory and Sylvie wants to meet Julie to "talk" on the beach alone. Ellen immediately realizes that Sylvie is the: 

HIP HOP HUSSY!


At the beach, Hip Hop Hussy gives Julie the typical "I'm the killer" speech which includes how jealous she is of Julie and how Julie just needs to die. Hip Hop Hussy pulls out a knife and Ellen arrives! She knocks Hip Hop Hussy down and Hip Hop Hussy tries to kill Ellen! Then, Julie knocks Hip Hop Hussy out with a conveniently placed wooden log on the beach! 

And they all lived happily ever after!


Oh Lifetime. I have missed you.

Did you watch "Mommy I Didn't Do It"? Did you have a fantastic New Years Eve? Are you ready for more Lifetime Movie Recaps in 2017? Let me know in the comments below!

Lifetime has gone and done did it, because I am,


38 comments:

  1. Hahaha of this sounds interesting. I have missed these posts so much.

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  2. Oh, I have missed your posts. Happy New Year, friend!

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  3. I just watched a film where a man's wife is killed by a serial killer, an act that left his son disabled. In a twisted turn of events, the man's son is kidnapped and he has to travel hundreds of miles to find the kidnapper with the aid of a mentally challenged woman. Lifetime? No wait - that was Finding Nemo.

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  4. I'm so glad that you are back! I missed the movie but unfortunately, I was watching Mariah. Karma is indeed a bitch. ☺ #DivaDisaster

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  5. Takes skill to change the hollywood sign

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  6. I'm still laughing at LBJ's Finding Nemo reference...if only Lifetime could be more like Disney! LOL.

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  7. I love these & you were right I probably should have spiked my sweet tea before I started reading ;) LOL at least it had some decent actors. Happy New Year.

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  8. I DIDN'T DO IT!! Bahaha Amazing. Funny AF as always! Yeah, you know me!!

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  9. lol I've missed these posts too! Always some much-needed comedic relief for my day. Ha!

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  10. You know what's even worse than Lifetime movies (no I did not think that was possible either)? Ion Television original Christmas movies. Like holy sh*t are they bad.

    I want to be in a horrible Lifetime movie. This is my new resolution for 2017.

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    1. Omg I've seen those!! Horrible formula writing and bad acting!
      Me toooooo. I want to be a psycho surrogate, evil nanny, crazed ex!!! Pick me Lifetime!! I'll assume the Lifetime position!!

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  11. Ok so this was seriously so funny and so amazingly awesome! Why is Lifetime so cheesy and yet so amazing all at the same time! You definitely need more of these reviews in 2017!

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  12. Your Lifetime Recaps are THE BEST. Sorry it has taken me so long to get back over here to leave a comment----I was completely swallowed up by the holidays!!

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    1. Girl no worries. We just moved up the country and were on the road four days traveling. I'm surprised I'm still alive!! Lol

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  13. You actually make me want to watch these things. I'd probably have to down a bottle, but it could be interesting!

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  14. Yay, these posts are back! My first thought was: Winnie Cooper? Why is she in this garbage?

    I can't wait to see what you say about Beaches. I LOVED Beaches with Bette Midler--have you seen it? They've remade it on Lifetime and I'm like, "nooooo!"

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    1. Omg, YES I saw that. With Idina whatsherface LET IT GO woman! Haha, liked her better when she was in Rent. I can't deal with that being remade. Bette Middler she is NOT. Beaches is my mom and my fave movie. I am so pissed!!

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  15. Another hot mess from Lifetime. You can always count on them, right? Danica McKellar also loves to do the Hallmark Christmas movies...which I'm sure you could similarly analyze in a blog post!

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    1. I saw she is in those! My mom LOVES those movies!!

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  16. Awe man, I missed this one. I saw the previews and was like "I must watch!"

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    1. Catch a rerun girl!! So much booboofuckery!!

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  17. I love all your HIMYM gifs. So funny!
    I am not watching BEACHES as I don't do remakes, but I'd love a recap from you because you're so awesome at them. :)

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    1. Oh god! I don't want to watch that either!!

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  18. Oh GAWD!!! You are hilarious!!! My better half watches those (do we call them "movies"), While I write in my loft. I can't bear the films so your reviews provide me a quick, funny set of Cliff's Notes. I just turn the Queensr├┐che up a little louder and go to work. Keep 'em coming Military Wife!

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  19. I agree the Charactors of Detective Ogawa and Detective Urkel are both complete morons! was it a writing issue or very poor acting! Seems like anything i have seen "Urkle" in he over acts.

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    1. Lol!! I know! It's definitely a combo. It's Lifetime! It's like mystery science theater on speed.

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