September 6, 2016

Lifetime Movie Network Recap: Stalked By My Doctor The Return



Alas, Christmas has come early on Lifetime and I have received a special present from the writers, directors and powers that be ridiculously stupid gracious. The gift came wrapped in the form of a sequel. 


Dr. Albert Beck, aka Stalked By My Doctor, aka Dr. PawPaw The Lech, aka Dr. McCreepy is BACK!

So old, so lecherous, so McCreepy.
#LifetimePervAlert

Yup. Eric Roberts needed another paycheck and let me be the first to admit, begrudgingly, that he did not disappoint. There were tears, there was laughter, there was cheese and yes, there was fuckery.

So much fuckery I was like:


Now you might be wondering, Mili Wifey, why, WHY, would they make a sequel to "Stalked By My Doctor"? Friends, my mom even enjoyed this movie. Apparently, Eric Roberts playing a dirty old freak-a-leek tested well amongst female age groups 60 and above. What can I say, my mom did emerge from a generation where Steve McQueen was the hunkiest bad boy on the big screen.


And if you do not know who Steve McQueen is or was, well, ladies he was: 

Back in the day.

But truly, I digress.

If you have forgotten where we left off in our last tawdry tale (read my recap here at Stalked By My Doctor (#shamless plug), Dr. Paw Paw the Lech  Beck eluded the everlasting useless bunch known as the Lifetime Police Department and took up residence in Mexico. Thus, we open "Stalked By My Doctor: The Return" in Acapulco. Dr. Paw Paw the Lech  Beck introduces himself as Victor, a doctor from Atlanta, to a woman named Rachel. He buys her a drink, shows her pictures of his home and boat and even suggests to her that he will name his boat "Rachel."


Sheesh, Dr. Paw Paw the Lech  Beck has NO game. You kind of feel sorry for the guy. Eh, not really. #sorrynotsorry

Rachel is not impressed, insults Dr. Paw Paw the Lech  Beck and he storms off. The next morning, Dr. Paw Paw the Lech  Beck relaxes on the beach. Oh noes! A woman is drowning in the ocean and needs CPR, stat! Luckily, Dr. Paw Paw the Lech  Beck is around to save the day. And even luckier for him, the woman is a pretty, scantily clad teenage girl so we get to see this:


I know, I KNOW.


This is Lifetime, remember. We are to expect the "ew factor." Ew is what they do, people.

At the hospital, Dr. Paw Paw the Lech  Beck tells Amy, the teenage girl, and her mother, Linda, that his name is Dr. Victor Slauson, a doctor from San Diego. Surprise! Amy and her mom are also from San Diego. After Dr. Paw Paw the Lech  Beck shows them pictures of his house and boat, he asks for a picture of the three of them.

Amy can't wait to be Stalked By Her Doctor!
#PervPicOfTheDay

Later, Dr. Beck tells Dr. Clark, his psychiatrist, via video chat that he met a wonderful "woman" who happens to be an underage girl. He thinks he should date the mother so he can grow closer to the daughter. After all, he "BREATHED HIS LIFE INTO HER."

So, ya know, he wants to "breathe" his Slauson Sausage in her, as well.

I just could not help myself.

The next day, Dr. Paw Paw the Lech  Beck flies to San Diego and begins stalking Amy outside the high school. Amy's boyfriend Garth notices Dr. Paw Paw the Lech  Beck and pulls him out of his car accusing him of being a escapee from the Lifetime Sex Offender Registry. However, Amy tells Garth that Dr. Paw Paw the Lech  Beck saved her life and Dr. Paw Paw the Lech  Beck gives her a life jacket with her name monogrammed on the side. Amy and Dr. Paw Paw the Lech  Beck grab coffee together and everything is wine and roses in Disgusting Pervert Lifetime Land. 

And yours truly is like:


I do not care if he is BoBo The Clown passing out balloon animals, it is NOT acceptable for Dr. Paw Paw the Lech  Beck to be stalking teenage girls at the local high school. Really, Lifetime, REALLY?

Le Sigh.

At the coffee shop, Dr. Paw Paw the Lech  Beck tells Amy he tracked her down so he could ask Linda on a date. He is totally in love with Linda. Well, that makes perfect sense seeing that he spent approximately two minutes with her at the hospital #LifetimeWTFLogic. Later, Amy tells Linda that Dr. Paw Paw the Lech  Beck wants to take Linda on a date. Linda reluctantly agrees even though she is not ready to date after the untimely death of her husband. While at dinner, Linda thinks Dr. Paw Paw the Lech  Beck is patronizing her and calls him on ALL his bullshit.

YASSSSSS. GO LINDA!

And then, this happens:


Dr. Paw Paw the Lech  Beck slices and dices Linda with a steak knife and yells "CHECK PLEASE!" No, not really, but he imagines himself acting out a scene from Showtime's Dexter on Linda. Can I just say how much I love Eric Roberts OVER-acting in this movie? I am all about, secretly, a movie about a creepy Viagra junkie who is serving up Death By A Paw Paw Penis.


And Eric Roberts is giving me life with his outrageousness. Someone give this man the Golden Nougie for Best Over the Top Acting In A Shitty Lifetime Movie!

But truly, I am digressing. AGAIN.

With a little charm, wink and a psychotic smile, Dr. Paw Paw the Lech  Beck convinces Linda that he is legit and heed over heels for her. Over the next few days, Dr. Paw Paw the Lech  Beck helps Linda conquer her anxieties, like climbing the ladder that caused her husband to fall and break his neck (Linda kept that ladder because why? #dafuck). Then, they spend a day together at the beach and Dr. Paw Paw the Lech  Beck leers at Amy in her bikini. Dr. Paw Paw the Lech  Beck asks Garth if he has ever cheated on Amy. Insulted, Garth points out that he noticed Dr. Paw Paw the Lech  Beck checking Amy out, he is super gross and he is old enough to be Amy's Paw Paw. 

FINALLY, someone with common sense! Instead of Amy who keeps entertaining this dusty old freak.

Legit, Amy. RUN.
#DrMcCreepyisDANGERgirl

That evening, Dr. Paw Paw the Lech  Beck purchases a large bottle of Ex Lax and mixes it into some tea. Armed with the Poo Poo Tea, he breaks into Amy and Linda's home and replaces their tea with his concoction. Linda and Amy both wake up in the middle of the night and Amy gulps down the entire bottle of the Poo Poo Tea.

Man, I hope their septic system is ready.

It is gonna be on like Doo Doo Kong.

The next morning, Amy is bad sick and Linda calls Dr. Paw Paw the Lech  Beck. He promises to rush right over, but not before he finishes his breakfast.

He is going to "eat" Amy.
#badumdumTSS
I know, I KNOW. #somebodystopme

At Linda's house, Dr. Paw Paw the Lech  Beck tells Amy it must be food poisoning. He takes a blood sample to run a few tests. The next day, Dr. Paw Paw the Lech  Beck tells Amy she is perfectly healthy except he inquires if she has "noticed any signs of blisters or cold sores around her vagina." Amy is shocked, but Dr. Paw Paw the Lech  Beck tells her that she tested positive for herpes. Amy immediately finds Garth and accuses him of cheating on her because she has not been with anyone else. 

OMG. Dr. Paw Paw the Lech  Beck created the Poo Poo Tea to get Amy sick so he could do a blood test and create Fake Herpes so Amy would break up with Garth! Dr. Paw Paw the Lech  Beck is SO evil!


Lifetime is killing me with this Poo Poo Fuckery.

Later that night, Dr. Paw Paw the Lech  Beck is helping Amy with her physiology homework. The medical topic, you ask? Orgasms. Dr. Paw Paw the Lech  Beck describes the "deep" bond you achieve by having more sex.

And I am like:


The next morning, Amy tells Linda that Dr. Paw Paw the Lech  Beck is a pervert. However, Linda does not believe Amy because of course she does not and suggests Amy is exaggerating. And THEN, Dr. Paw Paw the Lech  Beck has a fantasy that includes playing tongue hockey with Amy, lots of old man huffing and puffing and groping to the point I was all:


I am REALLY taking one for the team, also known as you, my loyal readers, for this movie.

The next day, Linda tells Amy that she and Dr. Paw Paw the Lech  Beck are getting married. Furious, Amy calls her old washed up musician Uncle Roger to help. Uncle Roger arrives, but is instantly charmed by Dr. Paw Paw the Lech  Beck when he claims he bought one of Uncle Roger's songs on iTunes. 

Seriously. Everyone in this movie has Milk Duds for brains.

Uncle Roger tells Amy not to worry about Dr. Paw Paw the Lech  Beck. But, BUT, Dr. Paw Paw the Lech  Beck tells Uncle Roger he once lived in Salt Lake City. Uncle Roger also lived there and asked him what street he lived on and Dr. Paw Paw the Lech  Beck does not remember. This causes suspicion and Uncle Roger heads to the hospital to inquire about Dr. Paw Paw the Lech  Beck. Surprise! Dr. Victor Slauson does not exist. Uncle Roger leaves a voicemail for Linda, but Dr. Paw Paw the Lech  Beck deletes it and texts Uncle Roger to meet Linda at the house in 30 minutes.

Oh boy, Uncle Roger.


Hope you enjoyed that 99 cent sale you made on iTunes. #youredoomedbitch

Dr. Paw Paw the Lech  Beck sneaks into Linda's house with a syringe. After a struggle, Dr. Paw Paw the Lech  Beck punctures Uncle Roger the Death Syringe. He drags Uncle Roger to a bathtub and dumps a conveniently available gallon of hydrochloric acid all over the body. But, BUT, what did he do with the bones? And the goo? And the smell?

WHO CARES! It is wedding time for Dr. Paw Paw the Lech  Beck and Linda! 

At this point you are like:


Me either, but we must keep paddling through this fuckery! 

Dr. Paw Paw the Lech  Beck calls Dr. Clark on video chat and tells her that he is married. Dr. Clark immediately informs him that she knows he is not Dr. Victor Slauson, but instead Dr. Albert Beck and is wanted by the FBI. Dr. Paw Paw the Lech  Beck quickly shuts off the chat and he and Linda head to their honeymoon mansion. Meanwhile, Garth tells Amy that he does NOT have herpes and his doctor thinks her blood test was fake. Amy realizes Dr. Paw Paw the Lech  Beck is going to kill Linda and speeds off to find her. At the mansion, Dr. Paw Paw the Lech  Beck blindfolds Linda and has her stand on the ledge of the balcony. Amy arrives and Dr. Paw Paw the Lech  Beck pushes Linda off the balcony. Amy and Dr. Paw Paw the Lech  Beck struggle. However, Linda is still alive, hanging on the side of the mansion. She pulls herself up and knocks Dr. Paw Paw the Lech  Beck out cold with a champagne bottle. The Lifetime Police Department arrives and arrests Dr. Paw Paw the Lech  Beck.

THE END. 

Or is it?

We cut to a scene with a female prison guard choking on a candy bar outside Dr. Paw Paw the Lech  Beck's cell. He screams out to the guards:

"I'M A DOCTOR!! LET ME OUT!! I CAN HELP!! I'M A DOCTOR!!"

This acting is fire. And by fire, I mean bloody hell.

And the guards let him out! He helps the female guard and she exclaims, "Thank you! I owe you one." Dr. Paw Paw the Lech  Beck replies, "yeah, you do."

AND HE WINKS AT US! 

Oh my effing god. IT IS A TRILOGY! There is gonna be a Stalked By My Doctor 3! Possibly 4 or more! This is just like the Halloween franchise. Dr. Paw Paw the Lech  Beck is legit the Michael Myers of nasty perverts. He just keeps coming back. Someone take his Viagra prescription away, stat.

Sheesh. The writers will keep recycling this shit until they cannot anymore.

#poopoofuckery

And you know what? This time, JUST this once, I am here for it. Dr. Paw Paw the Lech  Beck, aka Dr. McCreepy, aka Eric Roberts Needs A Paycheck - BRING. IT. ON.

And rollllllllllll credits.

Did you watch "Stalked By My Doctor: The Return"? Can you believe he keeps escaping? Where do you think he will end up next? Let me know in the comments below!

The Stalked By My Doctor Franchise is my new guilty pleasure because I am,

46 comments:

  1. Bravo! Another winning production by the Lifetime team! And oh, Eric Roberts is just soo, soo dreamy! Ofc I'd let him out of his cell...! ;)

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    1. Lol! I was so about this movie. It was awful and good. Lmao.

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  2. When I was doing the airline pilot thing I had to get a physical every six months from an aviation medical doctor. They were usually in other specialties and did the pilot exams as an "extra", as the exams were fairly easy, only including an EKG if you were a Captain. But one such doctor was an OB-GYN which made for some serious snickers in the waiting room when some young guy occasionally showed up among all the young and/or pregnant women. I remember more than one of them leaning over and saying "don't worry, he puts oven mitts on the stirrups so they aren't so cold' thinking they were tran.

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  3. Seriously, this is amazing haha! That first photo of Eric Roberts creeps me the hell out.

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  4. Have you checked this guy's filmography? He's a busy man!

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    1. He was in Rihanna's Bitch Better Have My Money video! LOL dude is everywhere. I'm telling you he's getting a HUGE paycheck from Lifetime for this. Can't knock that hustle!

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  5. Oh...My...God....Eric Roberts has NOT aged well!

    You amaze me with your movie patience MW!!

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    1. Lmao!! I don't think he's terrible...now Michael Madsen?? Omg he looks SO bad now and he was such a hottie in Resevoir Dogs!!

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  6. Yeah, I watched a Lifetime movie once. Never again. Life is too friggin' short.

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    1. And P.S., I've become a follower although I don't show up in your Blogger Friend Connect. It was giving me attitude so I bypassed it.

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    2. Oh I know! That thing sucks! I use Bloglovin to follow people. It's a little better.
      But thank you!! And welcome!

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  7. I watched it and I LOVED it!

    I'm kidding. I didn't watch. It sounds horrid.

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    1. Omg you HAVE to watch this! It's so bad it's good! I was seriously laughing out loud at some parts!

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  8. It sounds to me like the FIRST movie probably was sucky like this...what are they thinking, making a sequel? And that first picture of Eric Roberts is uber-creepy! He was such a jerk when his sister Julia became more famous than him, I've never cared much for him after that. You definitely took one for the team on this one! I like the few Lifetime movies that are a little more...subtle. I think I told you that I noticed many of the ones I like are the ones that were originally independent films that Lifetime bought, rather than the ones Lifetime commissioned directly.

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    1. Lol! Eric's daughter is kicking ass in Hollywood right now! I really enjoy Emma a lot in most everything she does. I remembered last night too that Eric was in a bunch of music videos too, like Akon's Smack That lol lol.
      It was so bad it was good! And these movies scare my mom....lol it creeps her out! Xxoo

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  9. Maybe they'll turn it into an actual series!

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  10. Hahaha! You always write the best Lifetime reviews!

    God bless,

    XO, Claire

    Http://www.littlemissfashionqueen.com

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    1. Thanks love! You always have the best fashion!!

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  11. I think I laughed more than I should. :P

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  12. That first picture of him looks like an off-brand Mark Ruffalo

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  13. Um, hello! Did the writers not watch Breaking Bad?? Everyone knows that hydrochloric acid will eat right through the fiber glass of that bath tub. Duh!

    Anyway, this sounds so awesomely bad. Although I'm really disappointed that no one assumed the Lifetime position. I think they missed an opportunity here.

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    1. Well Uncle Roger did, but he wasn't a prime player you know? I was hoping for a major character death. I mean why couldn't they just have Amy be the final girl and kill the mom?? Come on Lifetime, take a lesson from Wes Craven (rip), you gotta kill everyone off but the final girl and possibly the goofy sidekick!! They didn't even kill Amy's boyfriend! I'm gonna need more people assuming the Lifetime position at the hands of Dr. PawPaw with the deadly Wee Wee, stat!!

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  14. LOL! I'm telling ya...whenever I watch these shows I think about what kind of commentary you'd add... ha ha!

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    1. Girl if and when we ever get to Hawaii...watch party with martinis!! Lol

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  15. The Dr. is in the house!
    Sounds like a crazy train of a movie.

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  16. This was actually a little disgusting and disturbing to read. So glad I didn't actually have to watch it. I'd be bleaching my eyeballs.

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    1. LMFAO. Girl this one was tame compared to some others. Try watching Sugardaddies.....talk about eyeball bleach.

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  17. Dang! Now I am going to have to marathon twice the fuckery! On second thought...nah. LOL!

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    1. Omg but this series is so wrong it's right. Almost. Lmao

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  18. MADDIE...I DO BELIEVE TODAY IS YOUR BIRTHDAY...JUST WANTED TO WISH YOU A GREAT ONE
    HUGS MADI YOUR BFFF

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    1. It is!! Thank you! Wanted to post today but we've been kind of busy. Xxoo

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  19. I don't think I can ever look at my doctor the same way again.....LOL.

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  20. Wow. I don't know how I've missed this series.

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  21. There was so much Eww factor in this movie. LOL Thanks for taking one for the team.

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  22. When is stalked by my doctor 3 coming ON

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