Alas, Christmas has come early on Lifetime and I have received a special present from the writers, directors and powers that be
ridiculously stupid gracious. The gift came wrapped in the form of a sequel.
Dr. Albert Beck, aka Stalked By My Doctor, aka Dr. PawPaw The Lech, aka Dr. McCreepy is BACK!
So old, so lecherous, so McCreepy.
Yup. Eric Roberts needed another paycheck and let me be the first to admit, begrudgingly, that he did not disappoint. There were tears, there was laughter, there was cheese and yes, there was fuckery.
So much fuckery I was like:
Now you might be wondering, Mili Wifey, why, WHY, would they make a sequel to "Stalked By My Doctor"? Friends, my mom even enjoyed this movie. Apparently, Eric Roberts playing a dirty old freak-a-leek tested well amongst female age groups 60 and above. What can I say, my mom did emerge from a generation where Steve McQueen was the hunkiest bad boy on the big screen.
And if you do not know who Steve McQueen is or was, well, ladies he was:
Back in the day.
But truly, I digress.
If you have forgotten where we left off in our last tawdry tale (read my recap here at Stalked By My Doctor (#shamless plug), Dr.
Paw Paw the Lech Beck eluded the everlasting useless bunch known as the Lifetime Police Department and took up residence in Mexico. Thus, we open "Stalked By My Doctor: The Return" in Acapulco. Dr. Paw Paw the Lech Beck introduces himself as Victor, a doctor from Atlanta, to a woman named Rachel. He buys her a drink, shows her pictures of his home and boat and even suggests to her that he will name his boat "Rachel."
Paw Paw the Lech Beck has NO game. You kind of feel sorry for the guy. Eh, not really. #sorrynotsorry
Rachel is not impressed, insults Dr.
Paw Paw the Lech Beck and he storms off. The next morning, Dr. Paw Paw the Lech Beck relaxes on the beach. Oh noes! A woman is drowning in the ocean and needs CPR, stat! Luckily, Dr. Paw Paw the Lech Beck is around to save the day. And even luckier for him, the woman is a pretty, scantily clad teenage girl so we get to see this:
I know, I KNOW.
This is Lifetime, remember. We are to expect the "ew factor." Ew is what they do, people.
At the hospital, Dr.
Paw Paw the Lech Beck tells Amy, the teenage girl, and her mother, Linda, that his name is Dr. Victor Slauson, a doctor from San Diego. Surprise! Amy and her mom are also from San Diego. After Dr. Paw Paw the Lech Beck shows them pictures of his house and boat, he asks for a picture of the three of them.
Amy can't wait to be Stalked By Her Doctor!
Later, Dr. Beck tells Dr. Clark, his psychiatrist, via video chat that he met a wonderful "woman" who happens to be an underage girl. He thinks he should date the mother so he can grow closer to the daughter. After all, he "BREATHED HIS LIFE INTO HER."
So, ya know, he wants to "breathe" his Slauson Sausage in her, as well.
I just could not help myself.
The next day, Dr.
Paw Paw the Lech Beck flies to San Diego and begins stalking Amy outside the high school. Amy's boyfriend Garth notices Dr. Paw Paw the Lech Beck and pulls him out of his car accusing him of being a escapee from the Lifetime Sex Offender Registry. However, Amy tells Garth that Dr. Paw Paw the Lech Beck saved her life and Dr. Paw Paw the Lech Beck gives her a life jacket with her name monogrammed on the side. Amy and Dr. Paw Paw the Lech Beck grab coffee together and everything is wine and roses in Disgusting Pervert Lifetime Land.
And yours truly is like:
I do not care if he is BoBo The Clown passing out balloon animals, it is NOT acceptable for Dr.
Paw Paw the Lech Beck to be stalking teenage girls at the local high school. Really, Lifetime, REALLY?
At the coffee shop, Dr.
Paw Paw the Lech Beck tells Amy he tracked her down so he could ask Linda on a date. He is totally in love with Linda. Well, that makes perfect sense seeing that he spent approximately two minutes with her at the hospital #LifetimeWTFLogic. Later, Amy tells Linda that Dr. Paw Paw the Lech Beck wants to take Linda on a date. Linda reluctantly agrees even though she is not ready to date after the untimely death of her husband. While at dinner, Linda thinks Dr. Paw Paw the Lech Beck is patronizing her and calls him on ALL his bullshit.
YASSSSSS. GO LINDA!
And then, this happens:
Paw Paw the Lech Beck slices and dices Linda with a steak knife and yells "CHECK PLEASE!" No, not really, but he imagines himself acting out a scene from Showtime's Dexter on Linda. Can I just say how much I love Eric Roberts OVER-acting in this movie? I am all about, secretly, a movie about a creepy Viagra junkie who is serving up Death By A Paw Paw Penis.
And Eric Roberts is giving me life with his outrageousness. Someone give this man the Golden Nougie for Best Over the Top Acting In A Shitty Lifetime Movie!
But truly, I am digressing. AGAIN.
With a little charm, wink and a psychotic smile, Dr.
Paw Paw the Lech Beck convinces Linda that he is legit and heed over heels for her. Over the next few days, Dr. Paw Paw the Lech Beck helps Linda conquer her anxieties, like climbing the ladder that caused her husband to fall and break his neck (Linda kept that ladder because why? #dafuck). Then, they spend a day together at the beach and Dr. Paw Paw the Lech Beck leers at Amy in her bikini. Dr. Paw Paw the Lech Beck asks Garth if he has ever cheated on Amy. Insulted, Garth points out that he noticed Dr. Paw Paw the Lech Beck checking Amy out, he is super gross and he is old enough to be Amy's Paw Paw.
FINALLY, someone with common sense! Instead of Amy who keeps entertaining this dusty old freak.
Legit, Amy. RUN.
That evening, Dr.
Paw Paw the Lech Beck purchases a large bottle of Ex Lax and mixes it into some tea. Armed with the Poo Poo Tea, he breaks into Amy and Linda's home and replaces their tea with his concoction. Linda and Amy both wake up in the middle of the night and Amy gulps down the entire bottle of the Poo Poo Tea.
Man, I hope their septic system is ready.
It is gonna be on like Doo Doo Kong.
The next morning, Amy is bad sick and Linda calls Dr.
Paw Paw the Lech Beck. He promises to rush right over, but not before he finishes his breakfast.
He is going to "eat" Amy.
I know, I KNOW. #somebodystopme
At Linda's house, Dr.
Paw Paw the Lech Beck tells Amy it must be food poisoning. He takes a blood sample to run a few tests. The next day, Dr. Paw Paw the Lech Beck tells Amy she is perfectly healthy except he inquires if she has "noticed any signs of blisters or cold sores around her vagina." Amy is shocked, but Dr. Paw Paw the Lech Beck tells her that she tested positive for herpes. Amy immediately finds Garth and accuses him of cheating on her because she has not been with anyone else.
Paw Paw the Lech Beck created the Poo Poo Tea to get Amy sick so he could do a blood test and create Fake Herpes so Amy would break up with Garth! Dr. Paw Paw the Lech Beck is SO evil!
Lifetime is killing me with this Poo Poo Fuckery.
Later that night, Dr.
Paw Paw the Lech Beck is helping Amy with her physiology homework. The medical topic, you ask? Orgasms. Dr. Paw Paw the Lech Beck describes the "deep" bond you achieve by having more sex.
And I am like:
The next morning, Amy tells Linda that Dr.
Paw Paw the Lech Beck is a pervert. However, Linda does not believe Amy because of course she does not and suggests Amy is exaggerating. And THEN, Dr. Paw Paw the Lech Beck has a fantasy that includes playing tongue hockey with Amy, lots of old man huffing and puffing and groping to the point I was all:
I am REALLY taking one for the team, also known as you, my loyal readers, for this movie.
The next day, Linda tells Amy that she and Dr.
Paw Paw the Lech Beck are getting married. Furious, Amy calls her old washed up musician Uncle Roger to help. Uncle Roger arrives, but is instantly charmed by Dr. Paw Paw the Lech Beck when he claims he bought one of Uncle Roger's songs on iTunes.
Seriously. Everyone in this movie has Milk Duds for brains.
Uncle Roger tells Amy not to worry about Dr.
Paw Paw the Lech Beck. But, BUT, Dr. Paw Paw the Lech Beck tells Uncle Roger he once lived in Salt Lake City. Uncle Roger also lived there and asked him what street he lived on and Dr. Paw Paw the Lech Beck does not remember. This causes suspicion and Uncle Roger heads to the hospital to inquire about Dr. Paw Paw the Lech Beck. Surprise! Dr. Victor Slauson does not exist. Uncle Roger leaves a voicemail for Linda, but Dr. Paw Paw the Lech Beck deletes it and texts Uncle Roger to meet Linda at the house in 30 minutes.
Oh boy, Uncle Roger.
Hope you enjoyed that 99 cent sale you made on iTunes. #youredoomedbitch
Paw Paw the Lech Beck sneaks into Linda's house with a syringe. After a struggle, Dr. Paw Paw the Lech Beck punctures Uncle Roger the Death Syringe. He drags Uncle Roger to a bathtub and dumps a conveniently available gallon of hydrochloric acid all over the body. But, BUT, what did he do with the bones? And the goo? And the smell?
WHO CARES! It is wedding time for Dr.
Paw Paw the Lech Beck and Linda!
At this point you are like:
Me either, but we must keep paddling through this fuckery!
Paw Paw the Lech Beck calls Dr. Clark on video chat and tells her that he is married. Dr. Clark immediately informs him that she knows he is not Dr. Victor Slauson, but instead Dr. Albert Beck and is wanted by the FBI. Dr. Paw Paw the Lech Beck quickly shuts off the chat and he and Linda head to their honeymoon mansion. Meanwhile, Garth tells Amy that he does NOT have herpes and his doctor thinks her blood test was fake. Amy realizes Dr. Paw Paw the Lech Beck is going to kill Linda and speeds off to find her. At the mansion, Dr. Paw Paw the Lech Beck blindfolds Linda and has her stand on the ledge of the balcony. Amy arrives and Dr. Paw Paw the Lech Beck pushes Linda off the balcony. Amy and Dr. Paw Paw the Lech Beck struggle. However, Linda is still alive, hanging on the side of the mansion. She pulls herself up and knocks Dr. Paw Paw the Lech Beck out cold with a champagne bottle. The Lifetime Police Department arrives and arrests Dr. Paw Paw the Lech Beck.
Or is it?
We cut to a scene with a female prison guard choking on a candy bar outside Dr.
Paw Paw the Lech Beck's cell. He screams out to the guards:
"I'M A DOCTOR!! LET ME OUT!! I CAN HELP!! I'M A DOCTOR!!"
This acting is fire. And by fire, I mean bloody hell.
And the guards let him out! He helps the female guard and she exclaims, "Thank you! I owe you one." Dr.
Paw Paw the Lech Beck replies, "yeah, you do."
AND HE WINKS AT US!
Oh my effing god. IT IS A TRILOGY! There is gonna be a Stalked By My Doctor 3! Possibly 4 or more! This is just like the Halloween franchise. Dr.
Paw Paw the Lech Beck is legit the Michael Myers of nasty perverts. He just keeps coming back. Someone take his Viagra prescription away, stat.
Sheesh. The writers will keep recycling this shit until they cannot anymore.
And you know what? This time, JUST this once, I am here for it. Dr.
Paw Paw the Lech Beck, aka Dr. McCreepy, aka Eric Roberts Needs A Paycheck - BRING. IT. ON.
And rollllllllllll credits.
Did you watch "Stalked By My Doctor: The Return"? Can you believe he keeps escaping? Where do you think he will end up next? Let me know in the comments below!
The Stalked By My Doctor Franchise is my new guilty pleasure because I am,