September 15, 2016

5 Date Ideas That Don't Suck



Do you ever find yourself on Pinterest on a Saturday night and.....

Wait a minute, did I just say that? Suddenly, I am "finding myself on Pinterest" on the weekends. What the hell happened to these days?


Le Sigh.

Do you ever peruse Pinterest and see articles titled:

1,897,900 FREE DATE IDEAS

50 FUN FREE DATES!

101 CHEAP DATES!!

And you click the link immediately thinking to yourself:

"Oh, I might find something fun for me and my husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, Prancing Tree Frog (you know, whatever floats that boat you have going on in your nether regions) to do this weekend. AND, it will not cost me a penny which is awesome since I blew all my cash on jello shots, scratch off lottery tickets and extra lives on my Cookie Jam phone app."


Same. Naturally.

Friends, I have read a few of these posts and the "ideas" include activities like:

GO ON A WALK TOGETHER! : Um, yeah, it is hotter than a hog roasting on a spit here. When I do take a walk or jog, I am all about getting my sweat on, not chit-chatting with Military Husband about trickle down economics (Whatever happened to that? Is it like M.C. Hammer pants? Did it just disappear to make the dreaded "we did NOT really need that trend again" return like the Crystal Pepsi? #whentrendscomeback).

OR

WATCH THE SUNRISE TOGETHER! : Unless you live in Hawaii or the same area where Leonardo DiCaprio filmed The Beach, sunrises are lame. Sunrises equal the arrival of Satan's Deadly Heat. And, no offense, but sometimes, Mili Wifey's coffin does not open until noon. Sunrises together are no bueno.

OR

PLAY BOARD GAMES TOGETHER! : Great. Nothing like a rousing round of Hungry Hungry Hippos on a Saturday night. Might as well drink bleach as a refreshment. Can you say lame?

OR

CLIMB A TREE TOGETHER! : What is this, The Hunger Games: Home Version? At my age, if I am able to climb the tree, there is about a 30% chance I might not make it back down. Or I might make the return on my ass. And, you know, I am not a gambling woman.

You get the picture. These ideas, pardon my French, suck monkey's balls. Who comes up with these lists? People that are about as interesting as watching a marathon of Two Broke Girls.

BORING people come up with this shit and I am:

I am Mrs. Bluth stank eye'ing you BuzzFeed.
#sothere

ALL. DAY. LONG. at these lists.

Therefore, because I am a giving type, I have created 5 totally free date ideas that do not suck.

You can thank me later.

1) Fast and Furious Date Night

Ever dreamed of driving a luxury sports car? The wind whipping your hair, Wu Tang Clan on the radio and you looking like, well, a broke ass bitch. But, BUT in your mind, you think you are James Bond meets The Rock, Dwayne Johnson? 


Right. Then, you and your significant other should head down to your local luxury car dealership and ask to test drive the car of your dreams. Want to drive a Ferrari 488? Get it girl. Need a spin in a Lambo Gallardo? Go on with your bad self. Salivating over the Porsche 911? Savage that is Y-O-U. Remember, these are high performance motor vehicles and they are meant to be driven at high rates of speed. During your test drive, pretend your foot is a 50 lb lead weight on the brake. 

The road is yours.


Now, personally, I like to put on my fancy attire, toss on my jewelry, install my weave and paint my face like a rodeo clown to scream baller. This is a sure winning way to get your hands on the coveted leather Porsche advertising books. Editor's Note: If you have never had one of these, they feel like butter and smell like the nectar of the Gods.

However, if you do not feel like dressing up, just pretend you are both entrepreneurs, secret millionaires, or better yet just tell them:


2) Shithouse'd Date Night

If you are anything like me, you love a good drink. Even more, you really enjoy a FREE drink. How, Mili Wifey, can you obtain free booze? Make a few phone calls to a local winery, brewery or wine store. MANY of these places offer free wine or beer tasting. We have a local winery that has a small bar and will allow you to sample full glasses of all of the wine.

And you do not have to buy a single thing.


By the end of your wine sampling fun, you and your significant other will be completely shithouse'd without the embarrassing "did I really put $500 worth of alcohol on my credit card last night?" morning hangover regret.

3) Go Shawty, It's Your Birthday Date Night

With a belly full of booze, you might be hungry. I know, I KNOW. Mili Wifey, how are we are going to get free food? Now, you might be thinking I am about to suggest making a meal out of the samples at Costco or Sam's Club.

Those samples are such a "cock"-tail weiner tease.

Ah, no grasshopper. Frozen hors d'oeuvres are for your 98 year old MawMaw's bridge party and a college hornball trying to impress his date so he can get a little hide the cream in the Hostess Cupcake action. 

We just test drove a luxury sports car. Drank free wine. We are riding in style. Free steak and dessert for us high rollers. 

How?


You and your significant other can sign up for a restaurant's birthday club and put the day you and your spouse want to eat free as both of your special days. Almost every single restaurant has one of these clubs and the difference between you complaining your stomach is digesting itself and you eating a delicious appetizer, main course and dessert is simply one email away. 

Legit, you can do this for real tho. I promise. No one is looking. It will be our little secret.


4) Make Sweet, Sweet Music Together Date Night

Hands down, this is one of my favorite Mili Wifey and Military Husband "free dates." You and your significant other head to your local Guitar Center one evening to lay down some heavy jams.


Or something like that.

There are guitars, microphones, keyboards, drums and tambourines. 

AND there is my personal favorite, THE COWBELL.


What more could you want in a date night?

5) Let's Watch TV Together Date Night

Is cable not in your budget? Is your satellite a DIY tin foil wrapped around an antenna made out of paper clips? Do you dream of being able to catch up on your favorite episodes of My Cat From Hell with your significant other?


Then, go watch FREE TV. It is located in the electronics department of your local Walmart Supercenter. Bring popcorn and drinks, pull over a chair from the furniture department and pop a squat in from of a 72inch flatscreen. Ask them to change the channel to your favorite show or sports event so that you can test the "quality" of the picture.

And NO, they will not kick you out of Walmart for this sort of thing. Editor's Note: At least, I do not think they would? Maybe they would. If you get arrested, I do not know you and this blog does not exist.

I honestly think they have bigger fish to fry than your cheap ass in a Walmart Supercenter. Ratchet fuckery abounds, my friends. Worse case scenario, start twerking on the electronics case if they confront you. 


I mean, if you are going to get arrested, go big or go home.

These are just five totally FREE date nights that truly beat those washed up, monotonous ideas like stargazing and playing Yahtzee on a Saturday nights. My dates scream romance and economic genius.

Remember, I brought the magic when your future "Little You" is cooking in your uterus. 

You're welcome.

Do you have any fun free date night ideas? Would you try any of mine? Let me know what you think in the comments below!

Cash rules every date around me, get the money, dolla dolla bills ya'll,



52 comments:

  1. BAAHAHHHAA This is awesome! I like the way you think, girl!!

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  2. Those are all great ideas. We are always open for movie night at WalMart! Bahaha!

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  3. Hehe, are you going to do a review of the films on at WalMart? You wouldn't want me to go there and watch rubbish on my date night wiv the Prancing Tree Frog would you?
    Loves and licky kisses
    Princess Leah xxx

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  4. bahahahahhaah. Love all these ideas and I now I want to go for a ride in a Porsche. Have a great weekend.

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  5. Oh you silly. I thought you were going to be serious here!

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    Replies
    1. We really do the Guitar Center tho. That place is fun!!

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  6. Kyle and i love playing board games together!!! :)

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    1. Lol! Yay! So many are for like 3-4 Players though...

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  7. We just got to the stage where dates are a thing again. It's taken 20 years to get back to the point where we started. We go to the pub, go out for food, been to events - all good.

    On my pinterest you'll only find pics of bikes, Kylie Minogue and Star Trek!

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    1. That sounds so fun. I know who I'm hanging out with if I am ever your way!! Haha

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  8. OMG I am rolling at your list. Bahahaha yeah that is some not to miss date night ideas!

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    1. Girl I mean. You know how it goes. Your from the South. We live ratchet and die hood. LMAO!

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  9. Oh, you forgot crashing a wedding reception! Um, not the I have EVER done that! Butts free food, booze, and dancing with 70yr olds! WoooHoooo! Now, my friend and I did do the test drive, only we did the BMW's...not a bad time! Though, I thinks the salespeep almost craped his pants! ☺
    Nows, I haven't tried the twerking at Walmart, butts ours doesn't have a TeeVees dept....will Target do? Ooo, best buy is better! Anyhu, I will keep this list on my phone in case I needs to reference it ~ or give it to the PoPo....
    Kisses,
    Ruby ♥ (NOT her Ma....)

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    1. Oh yeah!! Party crashing rocks!!
      Best Buy is a great idea but the employees there are like helicopter moms. Always hovering. Lol

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  10. You're a genius! My husband and I now have the same birthday!

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    1. Haha! I love it!! Thank you for enjoying my humor! Xo

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  11. Your list is PERFECT! Sometimes my clients will say, "List 8 things every business owner should do to get his business cards in the hands of customers--and be sure you pick things that have never been mentioned in an article before." Um....yeah. NOT easy at all!!! I mean, I'm sure YOU could come up with some seriously creative and hilarious ways to do that, but for me it's basically, "Ask a local business to set them out for you?" I don't know! So I'm guessing these Pinterest people are trying to be original and just failing miserably!

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    1. Haha!! That's so stupid! I had to do an exercise like that in a course on marketing my business. I was like gah this is lame..

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  12. LOL! This has been really entertaining. I haven't tried searching Pinterest for date ideas though. I think I should try for fun.

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  13. Oh my gosh, I feel the same way. First, I'm not sure what the hell my husband and I would take about while watching the sunrise. We would be cranky! Second, It's like a long walk on the beach. Don't get me wrong I'd totally do it, because I love the beach but it's so dramatic sounding. My husband is my husband but like a boyfriend? That would just feel awkward, but maybe that's just me!

    God bless,

    XO, Claire

    Http://www.littlemissfashionqueen.com

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    1. No it's not awkward at all! And girl you wake me up early, you're on your own as to my mood! Lol!! Love you!!

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  14. Hahaha this is hilarious. I know what we're doing next weekend.

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  15. All these ideas are fabulous.

    My husband and I are boring. We basically just do the TV one. Half asleep.

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  16. You are truly the funniest person ever- HOW DO YOU COME UP WITH THIS STUFF. So good. But I do love going on walks with my husband! I do like walks. And I would love the sunrise date but I'm never up that early... so I effing love your date idea, that sounds fun as sh*t. Especially with your narration.

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    1. Thank you!! Haha you live in California so walks are ok! In the heat here? No bueno!!

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  17. This list is AMAZING. These ideas are SO much better, you are right! Hahahaha! :)

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  19. I realized I so thought this was date ideas that do suck...haha. I guess pregnancy brain is very real, or maybe I'm just not as romantic as you..haha.

    God bless,

    XO, Claire

    Http://www.littlemissfashionqueen.com

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  20. Not really a drinker myself. Moreso a smoker. We occasionally buy a cheap movie and candy. Enjoy walking dead marathons more than movies! Any series taken interest in. Nice fast abd furious tip!
    We like going to the park. I bring my hoop and he jogs, or we transition with the long board haha.

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  21. Even in Hawaii, the sunrise is lame. Just kidding. But really, who wants to get up THAT early?! I do love your first two idea! I'm all about the shithouse'd date night. Even if I have to pay for it..

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    1. Yes!!! Seriously, who doesn't love free booze!!

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  22. Great ideas...not sure about the tree climbing!! LOL

    Wags
    Oreo

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