Do you ever find yourself on Pinterest on a Saturday night and.....
Wait a minute, did I just say that? Suddenly, I am "finding myself on Pinterest" on the weekends. What the hell happened to these days?
Do you ever peruse Pinterest and see articles titled:
1,897,900 FREE DATE IDEAS
50 FUN FREE DATES!
101 CHEAP DATES!!
And you click the link immediately thinking to yourself:
"Oh, I might find something fun for me and my husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, Prancing Tree Frog (you know, whatever floats that boat you have going on in your nether regions) to do this weekend. AND, it will not cost me a penny which is awesome since I blew all my cash on jello shots, scratch off lottery tickets and extra lives on my Cookie Jam phone app."
Friends, I have read a few of these posts and the "ideas" include activities like:
GO ON A WALK TOGETHER! : Um, yeah, it is hotter than a hog roasting on a spit here. When I do take a walk or jog, I am all about getting my sweat on, not chit-chatting with Military Husband about trickle down economics (Whatever happened to that? Is it like M.C. Hammer pants? Did it just disappear to make the dreaded "we did NOT really need that trend again" return like the Crystal Pepsi? #whentrendscomeback).
WATCH THE SUNRISE TOGETHER! : Unless you live in Hawaii or the same area where Leonardo DiCaprio filmed The Beach, sunrises are lame. Sunrises equal the arrival of Satan's Deadly Heat. And, no offense, but sometimes, Mili Wifey's coffin does not open until noon. Sunrises together are no bueno.
PLAY BOARD GAMES TOGETHER! : Great. Nothing like a rousing round of Hungry Hungry Hippos on a Saturday night. Might as well drink bleach as a refreshment. Can you say lame?
CLIMB A TREE TOGETHER! : What is this, The Hunger Games: Home Version? At my age, if I am able to climb the tree, there is about a 30% chance I might not make it back down. Or I might make the return on my ass. And, you know, I am not a gambling woman.
You get the picture. These ideas, pardon my French, suck monkey's balls. Who comes up with these lists? People that are about as interesting as watching a marathon of Two Broke Girls.
BORING people come up with this shit and I am:
BORING people come up with this shit and I am:
I am Mrs. Bluth stank eye'ing you BuzzFeed.
ALL. DAY. LONG. at these lists.
Therefore, because I am a giving type, I have created 5 totally free date ideas that do not suck.
You can thank me later.
You can thank me later.
1) Fast and Furious Date Night
Ever dreamed of driving a luxury sports car? The wind whipping your hair, Wu Tang Clan on the radio and you looking like, well, a broke ass bitch. But, BUT in your mind, you think you are James Bond meets The Rock, Dwayne Johnson?
Right. Then, you and your significant other should head down to your local luxury car dealership and ask to test drive the car of your dreams. Want to drive a Ferrari 488? Get it girl. Need a spin in a Lambo Gallardo? Go on with your bad self. Salivating over the Porsche 911? Savage that is Y-O-U. Remember, these are high performance motor vehicles and they are meant to be driven at high rates of speed. During your test drive, pretend your foot is a 50 lb lead weight on the brake.
The road is yours.
Now, personally, I like to put on my fancy attire, toss on my jewelry, install my weave and paint my face like a rodeo clown to scream baller. This is a sure winning way to get your hands on the coveted leather Porsche advertising books. Editor's Note: If you have never had one of these, they feel like butter and smell like the nectar of the Gods.
However, if you do not feel like dressing up, just pretend you are both entrepreneurs, secret millionaires, or better yet just tell them:
2) Shithouse'd Date Night
If you are anything like me, you love a good drink. Even more, you really enjoy a FREE drink. How, Mili Wifey, can you obtain free booze? Make a few phone calls to a local winery, brewery or wine store. MANY of these places offer free wine or beer tasting. We have a local winery that has a small bar and will allow you to sample full glasses of all of the wine.
And you do not have to buy a single thing.
By the end of your wine sampling fun, you and your significant other will be completely shithouse'd without the embarrassing "did I really put $500 worth of alcohol on my credit card last night?" morning hangover regret.
3) Go Shawty, It's Your Birthday Date Night
With a belly full of booze, you might be hungry. I know, I KNOW. Mili Wifey, how are we are going to get free food? Now, you might be thinking I am about to suggest making a meal out of the samples at Costco or Sam's Club.
Those samples are such a "cock"-tail weiner tease.
Ah, no grasshopper. Frozen hors d'oeuvres are for your 98 year old MawMaw's bridge party and a college hornball trying to impress his date so he can get a little hide the cream in the Hostess Cupcake action.
We just test drove a luxury sports car. Drank free wine. We are riding in style. Free steak and dessert for us high rollers.
You and your significant other can sign up for a restaurant's birthday club and put the day you and your spouse want to eat free as both of your special days. Almost every single restaurant has one of these clubs and the difference between you complaining your stomach is digesting itself and you eating a delicious appetizer, main course and dessert is simply one email away.
Legit, you can do this for real tho. I promise. No one is looking. It will be our little secret.
4) Make Sweet, Sweet Music Together Date Night
Hands down, this is one of my favorite Mili Wifey and Military Husband "free dates." You and your significant other head to your local Guitar Center one evening to lay down some heavy jams.
Or something like that.
There are guitars, microphones, keyboards, drums and tambourines.
AND there is my personal favorite, THE COWBELL.
What more could you want in a date night?
5) Let's Watch TV Together Date Night
Is cable not in your budget? Is your satellite a DIY tin foil wrapped around an antenna made out of paper clips? Do you dream of being able to catch up on your favorite episodes of My Cat From Hell with your significant other?
Then, go watch FREE TV. It is located in the electronics department of your local Walmart Supercenter. Bring popcorn and drinks, pull over a chair from the furniture department and pop a squat in from of a 72inch flatscreen. Ask them to change the channel to your favorite show or sports event so that you can test the "quality" of the picture.
And NO, they will not kick you out of Walmart for this sort of thing. Editor's Note: At least, I do not think they would? Maybe they would. If you get arrested, I do not know you and this blog does not exist.
I honestly think they have bigger fish to fry than your cheap ass in a Walmart Supercenter. Ratchet fuckery abounds, my friends. Worse case scenario, start twerking on the electronics case if they confront you.
I mean, if you are going to get arrested, go big or go home.
These are just five totally FREE date nights that truly beat those washed up, monotonous ideas like stargazing and playing Yahtzee on a Saturday nights. My dates scream romance and economic genius.
Remember, I brought the magic when your future "Little You" is cooking in your uterus.
Do you have any fun free date night ideas? Would you try any of mine? Let me know what you think in the comments below!
Cash rules every date around me, get the money, dolla dolla bills ya'll,