August 21, 2016

Lifetime Movie Network Recap: Boy In The Attic



Lifetime's Sack of Steaming Crap Movie of the Week "Boy In The Attic" sounds like a really fun ghost story, does it not?

Welp:


Nope. Instead, it was an absolutely imbecilic "love story" that, per usual, made absolutely no sense what the fuck so ever.

This is Lifetime - do we expect anything less?

#neverhave #neverwill

"Boy In The Attic" stars Abbie Cobb as the protagonist, Callie. You may remember Abbie from The Unauthorized Beverly Hills, 90210 Story.


Legit, Abbie is a clone of Jennie Garth from her looks to her mannerisms. It is downright creepy how much they look, act and sound alike.

Abbie/Jennie

Illuminati, man. It is everywhere. Beyonce, Jay Z, 90210, Pokemon,

R Kelly.....


But truly, I digress.

We open "Boy In The Attic" with Sheriff Blackwell of the Lifetime Police Department doing his best impersonation of yours truly during every Lifetime Shitstorm Movie:

If I were a member of the Lifetime PD, I'd be a boozehound too.

After guzzling down a fifth of bourbon, Sheriff Blackwell finds a man Assuming the Lifetime Position! Oh, exciting! Not really. Let's flash forward to two months later in Lifetime Land and we find Callie and her mom Rachel on their way to Washington to attend MawMaw Evelyn's funeral. Meanwhile, a strange boy is lurking around MawMaw Evelyn's home.

It must be the BOY IN THE ATTIC!

Lifetime, you clever beast.

I know you did not expect anything intelligent.
This is Lifetime. #dumbestshitever

After settling into MawMaw Evelyn's home, Callie heads into town and sees a mysterious "boy" at a local diner who just happens to be said "BOY IN THE ATTIC." Meanwhile, Sheriff Blackwell is discussing how a "boy" named Michael Collins has to pay for murdering his nephew. The next day, Callie meets Luke, the mysterious "diner boy," who is also the "BOY IN THE ATTIC," for coffee. He is homeless, unemployed, dirty, weird, shady as fuck and expects Callie to pick up his tab for the coffee.

It should come as no surprise that Callie falls in love with Luke/Diner Boy/BOY IN THE ATTIC immediately.


Remember, we are supposed to suspend all belief in plausible logistics. #WTFLifetimeLogic

Luke/Diner Boy/BOY IN THE ATTIC continues to creep around MawMaw Evelyn's house and Sheriff Blackwell is hot on the trail of the evil Michael Collins (who "may" also be Luke/Diner Boy/BOY IN THE ATTIC). All the while, Luke/Diner Boy/BOY IN THE ATTIC and Callie meet up for another date. And since Luke/Diner Boy/BOY IN THE ATTIC is not exactly the Tony Stark of the attic, well:


The date involves a trip to a greenhouse where Luke sometimes sleeps. That Luke, he is a winner. Despite all this, Luke manages to garner a little tongue olympics with Callie. Geez, even in high school I expected a dude to buy me a Seagram's Strawberry Fizz Wine Cooler in exchange for a smooch. Perhaps slip me a Clearly Canadian mixed with Taaka vodka to go with my Taco Bell $1 menu dinner.

Am I too bougie?

Or just a lush. You be the judge.

I am digressing again. But, BUT, this movie SUCKS.SO.BAD.

Anyhoo, the next day is MawMaw Evelyn's funeral. Callie is furious that she never knew MawMaw Evelyn. In a five minute "storytime," Rachel admits that Callie was the result of Rachel's affair with a married dude named Garrett Wright. Garrett never knew about Callie, and he was arrested of grand larceny. Then, he died in prison of cancer. MawMaw Evelyn never forgave Rachel for getting knocked up by Garrett, the larcenous adultery dude. Callie is some kind of pissed when she hears the story.

And you know what, so am I because this asinine subplot goes abso-fucking-lutely NOWHERE.

Really, Lifetime? REALLY?

I should get hazard pay, LMN. #quitfuckingwithme

The next day, Rachel and her brother Marty leave to sell MawMaw Evelyn's car. Callie is left home alone and she heads up to the attic. Surprise, Luke/Diner Boy is the BOY IN THE ATTIC! Luke tells her that MawMaw Evelyn hired Luke to perform odd jobs. He was the BOY IN THE ATTIC the night MawMaw Evelyn passed away and he called the paramedics. Luke thought it was no biggie to sleep in the attic because MawMaw Evelyn would sometimes cook him ravioli.

And I am like:

This shit just keeps getting stupider.

Callie really loves Luke/Diner Boy/BOY IN THE ATTIC, so she lets him continue to sleep in the attic. Later that evening, Rachel discovers that Luke/Diner Boy/BOY IN THE ATTIC is Michael Collins. Luke/Diner Boy/BOY IN THE ATTIC/Michael Collins is wanted for the murder of Ed Brinson, Sheriff Blackwell's nephew. Luke/Diner Boy/BOY IN THE ATTIC/Michael Collins tells Callie that he killed Ed in self defense. Ed owed him $800. Thus, when Luke/Diner Boy/BOY IN THE ATTIC/Michael Collins asked Ed for the money, Ed refused because his uncle was the Sheriff and he could do whatever the hell he wanted.


Which makes perfect sense. #NOT

Luke/Diner Boy/BOY IN THE ATTIC/Michael Collins and Ed fight which leads to Luke/Diner Boy/BOY IN THE ATTIC/Michael Collins killing Ed. Luke/Diner Boy/BOY IN THE ATTIC/Michael Collins needs to run to the border and Callie agrees to drive him in MawMaw Evelyn's car. Right, Rachel and Marty never got around to selling MawMaw Evelyn's car in another sub-sub plot buried in the piss poor Lifetime writer's graveyard.

Hey, I watch these movies.
So you don't have to!

Meanwhile, Rachel calls Sheriff Blackwell and tells him that Luke/Diner Boy/BOY IN THE ATTIC/Michael Collins and Callie are on the run. When they are finally caught, and to sum up this massive pile of donkey butt nuggets, Callie pretends that Luke/Diner Boy/BOY IN THE ATTIC/Michael Collins kidnapped her and Luke/Diner Boy/BOY IN THE ATTIC/Michael Collins escapes. We then flash forward in Lifetime Land and Callie receives a video from Luke/Diner Boy/BOY IN THE ATTIC/Michael Collins on her phone. He thanks her and tells that one fine day when the time is right, they will be together again. And she is all "omgosh, yes, totally, ONE day."

And I am all:


Because Lifetime expects us to believe that these two are some sort of soulmates that had three dates, one of which involved running from the law like they were starring in a shitty high school production of Natural Born Killers. NOT TO MENTION, Luke/Diner Boy/BOY IN THE ATTIC/Michael Collins is a fugitive so how the hell are these two ever going to hook up? Does Callie have any "relationship goals" that do not involve playing poke the cream in the Twinkie during a conjugal visit?


Lifetime, you are really fucking with me now.

Andddddddddddd roll credits.

Did you watch "Boy In The Attic"? Does this movie make any sense whatsoever to you? Let me know your thoughts in the comments below!

Lifetime movies make me want to hang myself on a rafter "in the attic" because I am,





40 comments:

  1. I MUST see this! No, I'm kidding, it sounds awful. Pass.

    I cannot believe Lifetime is re-making the movie Beaches. I was like, "WTF?" That one I'll watch. And then I'll read what you say about it, ha.

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    Replies
    1. Omg I know!! They are just evil! I think there is going to be a Stalked By My Doctor sequel too....like we need Eric Roberts being creepy again.

      Delete
  2. Crazed murderer, or Prince Charming? Crazed murder, or Prince Charming How is she to know> All I could think of was this fake Ann Landers Column from years ago that said "Dear Ann, I met the girl of my dreams. She told me she had either VD or TB, but I don't recall which one." signed "Confused. Fake Ann responded "if she coughs f*#k her."

    By the way the house is the same one used in a cheesy Halmark movie a couple of weeks ago.A guy moved in and sees ghosts from the past, a couple, and he falls in love with the woman and had to find a way to rescue her from the fire set to kill her that her jealous husband set. At the end of the movie he saved her and met her again as an old woman but meets her granddaughter that looks like her. That house is seriously bad news.

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    Replies
    1. God they just recycle the shit! The house, the plot...all needs to go away!!

      Delete
  3. I'm so glad you watched these so we don't have to, because your telling is so much more entertaining than the movie.

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    Replies
    1. Hey girl heyyyy!!! :)
      The only thing good about this movie is Abbie Cobb. She's fabulous. The movie...gahhhh!!

      Delete
  4. OMG, I think he's the man for me! I will have to kill off Callie and make her assume the Lifetime Position because he is MINE!! All MINE!! Muahahaha

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    Replies
    1. For real tho. I mean he's such a catch!!

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  5. OH.MY.DOG. Really?? I mean REALLY??! Seriously, does ANYONE (butts you...☺) watch this crap?! And, if not, why, oh WHY don't they hire a REAL script writer??! Oh...butts then, what would you make fun of?? And use your most FABulous Supernatural gifs??! (omd, thanks for the abundance of them this postie!!! ☺)
    oh, and creepy abouts the Jennie Garth look-a-like....
    Kisses,
    Ruby ♥♥

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  6. I admit, I still haven't seen any of these lifetime movies, but I come for your banter and pro gif usage. I would love to see your writing process :) Must be a hoot!

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    Replies
    1. Lol! Thank you! It's strenuous to make boring movies interesting!

      Delete
  7. Of all the Lifetime movies you've recapped, this one sounds the worst. Seems there's absolutely no point to the movie at all, except to waste two hours of viewer's time.

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    Replies
    1. Sadly, this wasn't the worst I've ever seen! Lol
      You're right tho..no point whatsoever!!

      Delete
  8. I never get tired of these posts, they are the highlight of my day hahahaha!

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  9. This sounds like someone put a V.C. Andrews novel through the food processor...

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  10. Totally looks like Jennie Garth! And ahem...because of you I've watched a lot of Lifetime movies lately ;).

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  11. I've been waiting for a new Lifetime movie recap. Thanks for taking another one for the team. You are hysterical!

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  12. These movies don't even sound fun to hatewatch. But they sure are fun to read!

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  13. Ummmm, huh???? What a crazy circle of umm..nothingness!

    Thank goodness we have you to at least make its nonsense hilarious!

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    Replies
    1. That's pretty much what I said. Ummm wtf?? lol

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  14. I watched this entire movie and my piece-of-shit DVR cut off the last 5 minutes. I got to the part where she was sitting at the table with her mom, and she says "Sorry" - and then it cuts off. I see that you gave a general spoiler, but could you describe what happens in more detail? I'm so frustrated that I sat through a whole movie only to have the last minute cut off. -__-

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    Replies
    1. Lol! Well, like I said, he escaped and she was rescued by her mom and the other cop. She apologized, we flash forward in Lifetime land and she gets a FaceTime video from him! He's just telling her thank you for helping him and someday they'd be together. That was it! Really! You missed nothing!

      Delete
    2. Oh wow! I was hoping there was more to it, but of course, Lifetime being what it is... Thanks so much for your quick reply! At least now I know I didn't miss much. Have a great night! :)

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  15. Oh, Lifetime. We canceled our cable several months ago so no more Lifetime at our house lol. I can't say I miss the craziness but I do enjoy these recaps!!

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  16. You have way to much time in ur hands. Get a bf or a hobby. Reading this article literally gave me a headache. Thank u very much. #uracrybaby ##growup #urmostlikelyafatty duecs douche bag ����������♐��

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lol, I have a husband! Hence the "military wife"!
      Thank you so much for reading!!! xo

      Delete
    2. Says the one who posts about watching Teen Mom 2. No one made you come here to troll someone else's blog. Maybe you should spend more of your time in school, since it's clear that reading & spelling are not your friends.

      Delete
    3. Thank you for coming by and having my back! ;) You cannot please everyone, especially online. I take it in stride. I mean, they read what I wrote to insult it! Lol. As a writer, I'll take it! Thank you again doll. You're awesome!! Xoxo

      Delete
  17. This is hysterical! thanks for the headsup lol

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  18. FINALLY! SOMEONE ADRESSES THE LACK OF PLOT IN "LIFETIME" MOVIES! I swear to god, they make no fucking sense whatsoever. I need to read more of your "Lifetime" recaps.

    ReplyDelete

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