August 2, 2016

Can't Feel My Face, Or That Time I Got Wasted On NyQuil




Disclaimer: Please proceed reading this nonsensical shit blog post with caution. I take no responsibility for anyone who determines it is a wise idea to get "high" off a liquid cold formula. I know, I KNOW, Lil Wayne makes "crunk juice" out of red hot candy, Koolaid and Robitussin #themoreyouknow. However, that does not, REPEAT, does not make it a safe choice unless you have Fruity Pebbles for brain cells.

Cue, well, cue, this idiot:

The Weeknd is in Mili Wifey's house.

Yeah, so why the hell does The Weeknd style his hair like a Fraggle?


Anyone? Anyone? Bueller.....

But truly, I digress.

Hit it, Weeknd.

(Cue the fist pumping music) 

And I know this cold will be the death of me, but at least I'll be numb.
It might just get the best of me, the worst is that I'm dumb.
But at least my stomach will be coated with something that feels like rot gut rum.
This I know. Or I think I know.
Vicks told me don't worry about it,
Vicks told me don't worry no more.
Military Husband said I could go without it,
But I said, what the hell, I need more, more, more, MORE.

I can't feel my face when I'm on NyQuil.
And I don't like it. Hey, I don't like it.
I'm hearing a shrilling bell when I'm on NyQuil.
I'm in deep shit.

You see, my friends, I woke up last Tuesday morning with The Funk.


No, not THAT funk. The kind of no voice having, coughing, stuffy head, fever, cannot get out of bed fun that no one enjoys Funky Funk. I texted Military Husband immediately and requested he return home on a work break with medicine and juice. 

A few hours later, he came home with this drink from The Hellmouth:


I know this drink. I have tasted its evil juice that no doubt hails from Satan's tit. Military Husband looked at me and was all:

Drink this.

And I was like:


Nevertheless, I drank the cruel poison and alas, my health began to improve. However, this is not where the story ends. You see, I was still feeling a little under the weather that evening so I decided to take some more NyQuil. I took the capful as directed on the bottle. An hour passed and I felt no better. Thus, I decided to take a little more. I was not really sure how much I should take at this point.

Therefore, I just took a great BIG swig from the bottle sort of like this:

NyQuil = Ratchet Ripple.

But, BUT, more NyQuil means feel MORE better. If you take most of the bottle, you will definitely feel like a million bucks by the next morning.

Am I right, people?


Right. I passed out completely. As in, someone put me under sedation passed out. The only thing I remember is #MaddiethePug hitting my face around 3 a.m. to tell me she needed to go potty. I picked her up and somehow made my way to the patio door.

Once outside, I saw something sort of like this:


Hooray! I always wanted to star in 2001: A Space Odyssey. There were stars and many bright lights. I noticed time whizzing past my head as the moon spun around like a spherical top in the sky.

I could have sworn I saw the Lucky Charms leprechaun dancing around the rings of Saturn to Saturday Night by The Bay City Rollers.


It was magical!

Oh. And I heard a shrilling bell ringing in the background. I wondered to myself:

Why is someone ringing a really loud bell this time of the morning outside?

When suddenly, I realized the sound was coming from inside my ears. I was hearing a ringing noise in my head. This is when I realized:


I also felt nauseous, dizzy and, generally, fucked up. When I finally woke up to start my day, my head was pounding. You are probably thinking to yourself:

Maybe, just MAYBE, not pound an entire bottle of liquid cold medicine next time.

Friends, I know this, but remember I am blonde. Naturally. And I have told you all before how many stupid things I do on the daily (see Omigod, Omigod You Guys: 5 Times I Was Totally High "On Blonde"). This might be on the list as one of the dumbest.

As an aside, I helped my mother permanently bookmark my blog site this week on her laptop. Let's welcome her to the blog, shall we!


Always good form to post about getting completely blasted out of your mind on over the counter medicine when your mom is reading your blog. I found a Stephen King quote once that read: "Write like your mother will never read your work."

Thus, I shall keep on keeping on.


AKA being ratchet as hell.

Now to ask you the most ridiculous question of all time: have you ever gotten high off a prescription cold medicine? Let me know THAT story in the comments below! 

You bring the party and I will bring the NyQuil because I am,




50 comments:

  1. Welcome, mom! Your daughter is hysterical and always makes me smile. Because I take medication for high blood pressure, I can't take ANY otc cold meds. So colds and the flu are always a special kind of torture for me. I've heard Nyquil works wonders though!

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    1. Thanks Lana! I know my mom will be happy to read this! Haha. xxoo

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  2. Hurrah to having your mom on the blog...!! Hehe Girl, I would never get high off cold medicine bc I'm a brunette. We brunettes are soo smart! Ha

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  3. Hehe, did you have one of those, 'Never Again' moments in the morning?
    I'm impressed that you still managed to get Maddie out fur her leakage though, Mum has a similar problem with hay fever tablets, they just knock her out and she does not wake up for a good 10 hours!
    Loves and licky kisses
    Princess Leah xxx

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  4. LOL to the Fraggle comment. That's perfect! I once got total heck (in the MySpace days) for a blog I posted about taking Sudafed for my cold. People went ballistic, saying I was advocating meth or something. I was just saying I took Sudafed for a sinus infection for TWO DAYS and it made me feel great. Not that I'm going to take it every day for life. Anyway, I needed your disclaimer when I did that! I have Nyquil in the drawer by my bed for the occasional nights when I can't sleep. I just swig a little and I'm out. (I only use it in emergencies!)

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    1. Omg people are so ridiculous. I used to blog on MySpace too!! Lol! I had some great posts.

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  5. I have some pretty terrible allergic reactions to certain cold meds - I feel your high, I mean pain.

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  6. bahahahah, never happened to me but I would have loved to watch this unfold!

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  7. In high school, my friends and I used to take Sudafed as a diet pill. Boundless energy, zero appetite.

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  8. Hahahahaha oh my gosh, the Fraggle! I love it.

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  9. Sudafed actually gives me the loopies...Allergy season floats by in a fog!

    Welcome Mili Wifey Mom!

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  10. Hi Mom! :)
    NyQuil knocks me out, so I have to be careful. I've been taking Zyrtec-D for a few days for horrid congestion to the point of dizziness. I mean, like full tilt-o-wheel dizziness. So ... yeah, guess who hasn't slept in about 4 days because of the Sudafed it contains?!?!? ARGH!!!!!!!!!
    KZK

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  11. I just take the nyquil in the pill version. I can't tolerate much in drinking medicines

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  12. When I was in high school (Is this a theme here?) I was sick and my mom left the prescription cough syrup by my bed. At some point, I woke up and chugged about half the bottle. I slept like the dead for a day and a half! LOL!

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    1. Lmao! Oh god my high school stories are similar to my law school stories. Military Husband is like let's not blog those ok??? Lol

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  13. BOL!!!! OMD, that happened to Ma once!!!! She was in high school, and she had a cold (duh), and did the same thingie!!! She slept for 12 hours straight...butts, that's the point, right?? BOL
    Oh, good times.....
    Kisses,
    Ruby ♥

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    1. Gosh!! We've all been there! Lol why weren't you in high school with me??? #bff

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  14. LOL! Oh gosh this is hilarious. I've never tried this coz though I'm a pharmacist, I don't really like taking meds. I know, it's ironic. But well, this is a fair warning. Thanks, girl!

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  15. Guess I'm not living because I have yet to get high off Rx or OTC cold or cough medicine. But your experience tells me I'm good LOL!

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    1. Oh right. You're not "lit" as the kids say!! Cold medicine high...living for ittttttt.

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  16. Oh no a summer cold is the W O R S E kind!! Don't faint but Nyquil does nothing for me...doesn't even make me sleepy!! But then I'm not a very good sleeper anyway.
    I hope you are feeling better.
    Hugs madi and mom

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  17. Oh no, I hate being sick. I've never been high off meds before. I don't think. Maybe I have and didn't know it? I'm weird in general so sometimes it's hard to tell with me...

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    1. Lol! I love that you're "weird." You're awesome! :)

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  18. I'm sorry you are sick, that's the worst!

    God bless,

    XO, Claire

    Http://www.littlemissfashionqueen.com

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  19. We have an equivalent over here called "Night Nurse" (same except the paracetamol content is higher) although I've never tried it. Might have to get some for my next cold. I have got off my face on co-codamol last time I broke a bone,that was an experience!

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    1. Night Nurse I love it! Like the Marvel Comics character!

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  20. I find medicinal doses of red wine work just as well!

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  21. Oh no my hubby has the same crud and has hat it since last Monday :/ I hope your feeling better.

    Now about that high. My parents found out the hard way that I have a reverse reaction to Nyquil and it makes me wide awake, wired and grouchy as hell. I also have the same reaction to benedryl and any product containing sudafed. Fun right!! LOL

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  22. Cold medicine has the opposite effect - it makes me totally hyper and there is no sleeping at all. To preface my alcohol story, let it be known that I can't sing. Not a note. Cats will gather on a porch. But one night on a multi day layover in Florida, my copilot and I took a taxi to a club and got hammered. I ended up on stage singing karoke - Willy Nelson's "Blue Eyes Crying in the Rain" except I sang it as "Blue Hairs Driving in my Lane". That and the fact my pants were missing got me a brisk round of applause.

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  23. We would so be great shopping partners, if you're ever in Arizona...haha.

    God bless,

    XO, Claire

    Http://www.littlemissfashionqueen.com

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  24. my friends used to steal cold medicine from the PX and get high at school. it was crazy. they'd do it right before ceramics class and then freak out while throwing pots. LOL

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