Saturday night, I lost three hours of my life watching the "deluxe" (Read: Add in 40 minutes of more shit to the already huge pile of steaming manure called a film) version of Batman vs. Superman. And because why not, I proceeded to lose two more precious hours on Lifetime.
I know, I KNOW.
I am really getting too old to be losing hours and HOURS of my life.
Wait for it......
*Cue The Music*
Oh Canada, how we have missed youuuuuuuu.
Your hockey playing teams,
and bad Lifetime movie acting!
You've been missing from the Lifetime Film Institute.
Hey, what's that all aboot?
But truly, I digress.
"Newlywed and Dead" opens with a young boy named Jay Morgan being scolded by his mother. Jay's mother plans to lock little Jay in the basement. Jay's response? Pushing mommy down the stairs with a baseball bat.
Kids are so fun.
We flash forward in Lifetime Land and see grown up Jay and his fiancee' Kristen Ward eloping. Kristen calls her mother, Annie Ward, to announce the big news and invite her to come and meet Jay. Oh! Annie just happens to be the Deputy Sheriff of the Lifetime Police Department.
You know what that means.
Choo Choo. The Fuckery Train has just pulled in the station. All A-bored.
A few days later, Annie and Kristen's sister Caitlyn arrive at Jay's lodge, The Paradise Mountain Lodge. Kristen shows off her wedding ring, but Annie is skeptical of their "quickie" marriage. Before she leaves, Annie warns Kristen that Jay has a criminal record and he is embroiled in a fight with his own sister over the family land. At the same time, Jay is barking that if anyone comes between him and his plans, there will be TOTAL MASS DESTRUCTION.
Let me just add that Christopher Russell, the actor portraying Jay, was completely over the top with his performance. You would have thought he was auditioning for an award for Best Meathead in A Shitty Lifetime Movie. Like no one sent him the memo there are no Golden Turd Awards for Lifetime contract actors.
It was embarrassing.
I just can't with you, Christopher Russell. #butyougoGlenCoco
The next day, Barbara Morgan, Jay's aunt, brings a wedding present to the lodge. Over lunch, Kristen asks Barbara why she is fighting Jay over the family land. Basically, Barbara does not want middle class people to be pushed off their property because of Jay's lodge development blah blah di blah-dy blah.
Moving on to something more important - the Lifetime "EW" factor. After lunch, Barbara takes Kristen to the family manor and reveals a painting of Jay's mother.
Kristen and Jay's mom could practically be twin sisters.
Lifetime puts the "Gah" in Gah-ross.
Yup, Jay has been playing squirt the Cheez Whiz inside the Ballpark frank with a chick that looks just like his dear old dead mommy.
And he owns a "lodge."
Stealing from Hitchcock are we now?
Later that afternoon,
Well, let's just say she is sleeping off a bender. Which is pretty much what any actress would do if they were cast as "Woman who assumes Lifetime position within first three minutes of movie."
Lifetime career = blackout drunk.
Over the next few days, Kristen and Jay decide to move into the manor. Everything is peachy keen until that meddling Barbara files an injunction so that Jay cannot develop the family land. Kristen asks Barbara to compromise with Jay and Barbara agrees only if a few conditions are met. One of those is that Jay tell Kristen what REALLY happened to his mommy. However, Jay swears that his mom died by accident and he had nothing to do with her death.
And I am all:
This is Lifetime, Kristen.
It was Jay, in the stairwell, with a baseball bat.
Jay is furious re: Barbara's demands and goes to her home. Barbara tells him to get some help (and a better agent) and Jay hits Barbara in the face. Because of course it does, Barbara is instantly killed by the blow. Jay calls his second in command/man servant/bodyguard/body disposal personnel Mark and asks him to get rid of the body. The next day, Jay bribes the Sheriff into writing a report indicating Barbara died of accidental causes, namely drinking too much.
Moreover, it was death by getting plastered, turning on the gas and shutting all the windows in the house.
Just gets stupider. And stupider.
Gosh, TWO women in Jay's life mysteriously fall down a flight of stairs. Do we need anymore proof the Lifetime Police Department is
Right. This is Lifetime.
We are supposed to suspend all belief in plausible logistics.
Kristen returns to the lodge and tells Jay she talked to Ashley. Jay claims he broke up with Ashley and she demanded money. He is furious Kristen is snooping around. And then, out of nowhere, he yells at Kristen:
I MADE YOU QUEEN OF THE VALLEY. YOU SHOULD BE A GOOD WIFE!
And I am like:
There goes Christopher again. Trying for that Aca-dummy Award for Biggest Tool in the Shed.
Anyhoo, Kristen tells Jay she is leaving him. Jay suggests his henchman, Mark, drive her to the train station the next day. Later, Jay learns that Barbara left her entire estate to Kristen. Thus, Jay tells Mark to "take care of Kristen." The next day, Mark drives Kristen to the manor, holds a gun to her head and tells her to sign the paperwork. She refuses. Jay arrives and, like all good villains, proceeds to foray into a 10 minute soliloquy about his dirty deeds, i.e. killing his mom and hiring Mark to kill Barbara.
OMFREAKINGOD. Why don't any of these people toodle their stupid ass over to a gun, knife, brick, ANY sort of weapon while these villains are going on and on and on and ON about themselves?
Or at least be like:
After his spiel, Jay forces Kristen into the basement and offers Mark double the money to kill her. Meanwhile, Annie is looking for Kristen. She goes to the lodge to ask Jay about Kristen's whereabouts. Jay tells Annie that Kristen is at the manor and he will take Annie to see her. Back at the manor, Kristen messes with Mark's head and plants the idea that Jay is setting him up to take the fall for all the murders. When Jay arrives, Mark becomes angry and tells Jay he kept Jay's shirt that was covered in Barbara's DNA evidence.
And Christopher, "Jay," going for the Lifetime Acting ShitShow Award yells:
YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE KEPT THE SHIRT, MARK!
And shoots Mark.
After a brief struggle between Jay, Annie and Kristen, Kristen shoots Jay because, well, of course she does. We flash forward and Kristen is now the owner of the Paradise Mountain Lodge and Annie is the newly elected Sheriff.
In summation, they all lived happily ever Lifetime. Except for Barbara, Mark, Jay's mom and Jay. They will return in Lifetime's sequel to "Newlywed and Dead" entitled:
A Haunting at Paradise Mountain Lodge
Secrets of Paradise Mountain Lodge
Something Stupid As Fuck This Way Comes At Paradise Mountain Lodge
Lifetime writers, you're welcome. #thankmelater
And rolllllllllll credits.
Did you watch "Newlywed and Dead"? What would you do if you looked just like your husband's mother? Let me know in the comments below!
Passing out Golden Turds For Worst Lifetime Acting, I am,