Early Saturday night, there was nothing on television. Thus, the following conversation took place:
Me: I have made the executive decision to watch Lifetime's
Shitstorm Movie O'Week "Killer Coach."
Side Note: Don't you just love Nick Fury?
flop film "Killer Coach" should really have been titled any of the following:
"How I Recycled The Swimfan Script"
"Swimming, Sex, Stalking and a Shitty Screenplay"
"Why Am I Watching This When There Is A Documentary On National Geographic Re: Rival Ant Gangs Fighting Over Hills?"
And yet, some writer got paid for this garbage. #whyGodWHY
But truly, I digress.
We open "Killer Coach" with our protagonist Samantha at swim practice. Gina, the swim coach and Samantha's mom, decides to hire Coach Bryce Hinge to help prepare Samantha for Olympic trials. Seems harmless enough, right?
WRONG. This is Lifetime and Coach
Pervert Bryce has something else in mind for Samantha.
Samantha meets Coach
Pervert Bryce and, within about 48 hours, is playing hide the Hebrew Frank in the Pillsbury Crescent Roll with him in the school pool.
We all know where this is headed.
The next morning, Coach
Pervert Bryce tells Samantha he cannot stop thinking about her. Samantha does not want to pursue a relationship because, you know, sex offender registry not on fleek and all. Coach Pervert Bryce reluctantly agrees. However, because of course he is, Coach Pervert Bryce is a stalking lunatic (he's "unhinged" get it?). He texts and calls Samantha incessantly, follows her relentlessly, shows up at her house randomly for dinner, and, in general, acts like Mili Wifey's Favorite R&B Sex Dolphin:
He's about to stick the "key" in the ignition.
If you know what I mean.
When Samantha asks Coach
Pervert Bryce to stop, he shows Lucas, Samantha's boyfriend, a video of their Diddling With The Banana Hammock Party in the school pool. Samantha threatens to tattle on Coach Pervert Bryce to the police, but Coach Pervert Bryce has something else up his sleeve. He is going to tell everyone that Samantha's mom, a former Olympic swimmer, tested positive for steroids back in the day. Thus, Samantha and Lucas, who forgives Samantha because OF COURSE he does, decide to find out information on Coach Pervert Bryce. Lucas goes to the pool after hours to find Coach Pervert Bryce's personnel file (which would have damning information on him? Do what? Huh? #WTFLifetimeLogic) and is beaten senselessly by Coach Pervert Bryce in the parking lot.
You know, this is Lifetime and we are supposed to suspend all belief in plausible logistics. #DUH
Luckily, Samantha finds Lucas and rushes him to the hospital. Detective Dunlop of The Lifetime Police Department makes a cameo to tell Samantha that Coach
So, yeah. What exactly is point of The Lifetime Police Department again?
Finally, Samantha confesses to her mom that she and Coach
On that note, I say that Coach
But, BUT, Samantha had a Killer Cooch.
Ba dum, dum tss.
Sorry, I could not resist, folks.
Anddddddddddd roll credits.
Did you watch "Killer Coach"? Did you ever have a perverted coach or teacher in high school or college? Come on, spill the beans in my comments below!
If the coaches aren't killing me, the Lifetime movies sure the hell are because I am,