July 31, 2016

Lifetime Movie Network Recap: Killer Coach



Early Saturday night, there was nothing on television. Thus, the following conversation took place:

Me: I have made the executive decision to watch Lifetime's Shitstorm Movie O'Week "Killer Coach."

Military Husband:

Side Note: Don't you just love Nick Fury?

Le Sigh. 

Lifetime's latest flop film "Killer Coach" should really have been titled any of the following:

"How I Recycled The Swimfan Script"

"Swimming, Sex, Stalking and a Shitty Screenplay"

or

"Why Am I Watching This When There Is A Documentary On National Geographic Re: Rival Ant Gangs Fighting Over Hills?"

Translation:


And yet, some writer got paid for this garbage. #whyGodWHY

But truly, I digress.

We open "Killer Coach" with our protagonist Samantha at swim practice. Gina, the swim coach and Samantha's mom, decides to hire Coach Bryce Hinge to help prepare Samantha for Olympic trials. Seems harmless enough, right?

WRONG. This is Lifetime and Coach Pervert Bryce has something else in mind for Samantha.


Samantha meets Coach Pervert Bryce and, within about 48 hours, is playing hide the Hebrew Frank in the Pillsbury Crescent Roll with him in the school pool.

We all know where this is headed.
#TheLifetimePervertFactory

The next morning, Coach Pervert Bryce tells Samantha he cannot stop thinking about her. Samantha does not want to pursue a relationship because, you know, sex offender registry not on fleek and all. Coach Pervert Bryce reluctantly agrees. However, because of course he is, Coach Pervert Bryce is a stalking lunatic (he's "unhinged" get it?). He texts and calls Samantha incessantly, follows her relentlessly, shows up at her house randomly for dinner, and, in general, acts like Mili Wifey's Favorite R&B Sex Dolphin:

He's about to stick the "key" in the ignition.
If you know what I mean. 

When Samantha asks Coach Pervert Bryce to stop, he shows Lucas, Samantha's boyfriend, a video of their Diddling With The Banana Hammock Party in the school pool. Samantha threatens to tattle on Coach Pervert Bryce to the police, but Coach Pervert Bryce has something else up his sleeve. He is going to tell everyone that Samantha's mom, a former Olympic swimmer, tested positive for steroids back in the day. Thus, Samantha and Lucas, who forgives Samantha because OF COURSE he does, decide to find out information on Coach Pervert Bryce. Lucas goes to the pool after hours to find Coach Pervert Bryce's personnel file (which would have damning information on him? Do what? Huh? #WTFLifetimeLogic) and is beaten senselessly by Coach Pervert Bryce in the parking lot.

Why?


You know, this is Lifetime and we are supposed to suspend all belief in plausible logistics. #DUH 

Luckily, Samantha finds Lucas and rushes him to the hospital. Detective Dunlop of The Lifetime Police Department makes a cameo to tell Samantha that Coach Pervert Bryce was NOT involved in Lucas's ass kicking.

So, yeah. What exactly is point of The Lifetime Police Department again?

Finally, Samantha confesses to her mom that she and Coach Pervert Bryce did the nasty and her funky butt lovin' was SO good that Coach Pervert Bryce will not stop stalking her. Samantha's mom returns home where she is kidnapped by Coach Pervert Bryce because that makes absolutely no perfect sense. Coach Pervert Bryce texts Samantha from her mom's phone to meet at the school swimming pool. She does and Coach Pervert Bryce attempts to drown her. However, Samantha grabs a gun and shoots Coach Pervert Bryce. Two weeks later, Samantha swims to glory at the Olympic trials!

On that note, I say that Coach Pervert Bryce may have been a Killer Coach.

But, BUT, Samantha had a Killer Cooch.

Ba dum, dum tss.

Sorry, I could not resist, folks.

Anddddddddddd roll credits.

Did you watch "Killer Coach"? Did you ever have a perverted coach or teacher in high school or college? Come on, spill the beans in my comments below!

If the coaches aren't killing me, the Lifetime movies sure the hell are because I am,




30 comments:

  1. I haven't watched it but it sure couldn't be as entertaining as this recap! I love all the gifs. Hilarious.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I don't want to watch the movies because your recaps are so funny, you are the best!

    God bless,

    XO, Claire

    Http://www.littlemissfashionqueen.com

    ReplyDelete
  3. I just watched this movie and everything you said were my exact thoughts while watching it smh what a waste!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lol! Thanks for reading girl! The actress that played Samantha was so pretty tho. What a waste!!

      Delete
  4. Do these people get paid to make these movies ???

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Seriously. I got into the wrong industry!

      Delete
  5. Once again my bypassed Lifetime for some feel good movies on Hallmark. LOL
    Hugs madi your bfff

    ReplyDelete
  6. I seriously considered watching Killer Coach but thought it would ruin your review if I already had seen this crap...I mean movie! LOL!

    ReplyDelete
  7. I'm actually pretty amazed at how they keep not running out of terrible ideas.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I turned this on and kyle just cringed haha.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah Military Husband just grabs his headphones lol!

      Delete
  9. Mom is so glad you blogged about this because she actually got to watch all the movie except the last 30 min. or so......we was wondering how it ended.....dad stole the remote, he can be selfish. stella rose

    ReplyDelete
  10. Killer Cooch LMAO! That movie was a train wreck ;)

    ReplyDelete
  11. Best one yet. Can't wait for the novelization! I half expected this one to be about a crazed bus driver (do you guys call an intercity bus a coach too?)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lol! No we call those many, many names but definitely not a coach! Hm tho...a crazy inner city bus driver. You're on to something! Bus Ride from Hell. Bad Bus. Deadly Driver!! The possibilities are endless!!

      Delete
  12. Oh my god, this was amazing. I actually do want to watch Killer Coach now...! HAHAHA

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lol!! It was about swimming!! Just for you!!

      Delete
  13. Oh my gosh, Lifetime has the same types of movies over and over again with different names and characters. A male bashing channel, lol!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's horrible!! Haha but for real tho they should hire me.

      Delete
  14. I'm with Nita. It seems Lifetime is twisting the same plot to make tons of different movies. Thank goodness we have have you too make them so very hilarious!!

    ReplyDelete
  15. Gotta agree, it does sound an awful lot like the Swimfan script.

    ReplyDelete

Leave a comment & I'll comment back!
If you're new, make sure you leave a link to your blog so I can check it out! :)