July 12, 2016

Dying To Be A Military Wife (A Lifetime Movie Written By Mili Wifey)




Introduction: So many of you have asked "Mili Wifey, why don't you write your own Lifetime Movie Network script?" Ask and thy shall receive the gift of moldy rotten cheese, my friends. Enjoy my first original Lifetime Movie. Oscars, I'm coming for ya. Move out of the way, Spielberg. 



*Cue the sleazy saxophone music*

A civilian marriage won't do,
She wants to marry the proud and few.
Benefits, they sound so nice,
She wants housing for life.
She'd do anything to become one,
You had better get to running, son.
She's dying, dying, dyyyyyyyyinnnnnnnggggg 
To be a military wife!

STARRING

Haylie Duff


As Army Wife Amy. She's a 30something veteran Army wife who loves commissary case sales, bitching about the military and yelling at her two children, L'Ammonia (lovingly named after household cleaner she discovered under the sink during conception) and Funion (named to honor Amy's favorite snack food).

Sara Rue


As Broomhilda, Army Wife Amy's single, eager, tag chasing best friend.

Corin Nemec


As Army Wife Amy's husband Sgt. Toodles.

Dylan Neal


As Deputy Dingleberry of the Lifetime Police Department.

Tori Spelling


As Candy Clever, Army Wife Amy's sister.

And a special appearance by Anthony Mackie



As The Falcon! (On Loan From Marvel Studios)

ACT ONE
Army Wife Amy and Broomhilda are enjoying an iced coffee and discussing life.

Army Wife Amy: So have you met anyone new?

Broomhilda: No, I am still waiting for my man in uniform. I have met three soldiers at MilitaryCupid.com and none of them have gone past the first date. Life is just so unfair.

Army Wife Amy: Oh, I know. Life really can suck! Just the other day, our internet was out for a WHOLE hour. I almost didn't get to see the last fifteen minutes of Pretty Little Liars. Then, Sgt. Toodles had to work late and I was stuck with L'Ammonia and Funion until 8:00 p.m. BY MYSELF. Like, how am I supposed to deal with them? Mommy needs a break too. 

Broomhilda: Oh my girl, that is unreal.

Army Wife Amy: I know, right? Hashtag first world problems.

Broomhilda: For sure.

Army Wife Amy: Wow, I suddenly feel really woozy.

Broomhilda: We should get you right home then!

Broomhilda takes Army Wife Amy back to her house and puts her on the couch. When Sgt. Toodles arrives home that evening, Army Wife Amy is ASSUMING THE LIFETIME POSITION.

Translation?


ACT TWO
We flash forward to a month later in Lifetime Land. Candy Clever is driving to base housing to finalize funeral arrangements and collect her sister's belongings. Yes, I said funeral arrangements a month later. This is Lifetime and we are supposed to, say it with me people, suspend all belief in plausible logistics. Anyhoo, to Candy Clever's surprise, Broomhilda has moved into the house with Sgt. Toodles! When Candy Clever arrives, Broomhilda is talking to Deputy Dingleberry of the Lifetime Police Department.

Deputy Dingleberry: Do you know anyone who would want to hurt Army Wife Amy?

Broomhilda: Um, no. Everyone loved her.

Candy Clever: Deputy, I'm Army Wife Amy's sister. Can I be of any help?

Deputy Dingleberry: Well, your sister was poisoned. The poison was placed in her iced coffee which she was drinking with Broomhilda. No one was around your sister other than Broomhilda that day. And no one else had access to her coffee but Broomhilda. So anyway, where were you a month ago on the day Army Wife Amy died? Do you know anyone who would have wanted to harm your sister?

Candy Clever: Wait, Broomhilda was the only one with access to my sister that day?

Broomhilda: I KNOW! And you know, I would totally never hurt Army Wife Amy. As a matter of fact, I have moved in with Sgt. Toodles and am helping him by cooking, cleaning, taking care of L'Ammonia and Funion, not to mention helping his other needs, *wink wink* if you know what I mean.

Deputy Dingleberry: Well, that about wraps it up. I am totally stumped as to who could have killed Army Wife Amy. If you guys find out any other information on someone who might have wanted to harm Army Wife Amy, here's my card. Call me anytime.

Candy Clever (to herself): There is something peculiar about Broomhilda.


*Cue the folky sad music*

Something is strange at the base Taco Bell.
That tricky woman must have come straight from hell.
She's already posing for her military I.D.
It must be her that poisoned Amy!
That poor woman has lost her life cause
Broomhilda's dying, dying, dyyyyyyyyying to be a military wife.


ACT THREE
Candy Clever is helping L'Ammonia and Funion with their schoolwork at the house. When Broomhilda leaves for the base gym, Candy Clever searches through her belongings. Inside she finds a bottle clearly marked:

POISON TO KILL ARMY WIFE AMY WITH

Candy Clever suddenly realizes Broomhilda killed Army Wife Amy. She calls Deputy Dingleberry immediately.

Deputy Dingleberry: Lifetime Police Department, how can I not be of any help?

Candy Clever: Yes, this is Candy Clever. I know who killed Army Wife Amy. It was Broomhilda!

Deputy Dingleberry: But, BUT, why would she kill Army Wife Amy?

Candy Clever: I found the poison Broomhilda used to kill her.

Deputy Dingleberry: What would be her motive to kill Army Wife Amy? I am so confused.

Candy Clever: DUH! She's DYING TO BE A MILITARY WIFE.

Deputy Dingleberry: Yeah. I just really do not think it was Broomhilda.

Le Sigh.

*COMMERCIAL TIME*

*Cue sentimental piano music*

Sometimes, it gets so hard.
So hard to move the food.
That's why I turn to you,
To get me in the mood.

EX LAX YOU'RE THE BEST!


FORGET THE PRUNES AND ALL THE REST!!!

When I need to go,
You're the only friend I know.

Disclaimer: Ex Lax is not a proud of sponsor of Mili Wifey's Lifetime screenplays or the blog, MilitaryWifeandPugLife. For real tho, I just gave them some free advertisement. They should pay me in Cheesy Poofs and Ratchet Mall Cookies.


ACT FOUR
Without any help from the Lifetime Police Department, also known as the most worthless police organization on the planet, Candy Clever decides to confront Broomhilda about her role in Army Wife Amy's death. She arrives at the Lifetime Secluded Cabin in the Woods to meet Broomhilda.

Candy Clever: Broomhilda, are you here? Broomhilda?

Broomhilda: Yes, Candy Clever, I am in the kitchen eating government cheese.

Candy Clever: Broomhilda, I know it was you that killed Army Wife Amy.

Broomhilda: Oh, really?

Suddenly, Broomhilda pulls out a gun hidden in a block of Velveeta Cheese!

Broomhilda: Well, it looks like you are in a bit of a pickle, Candy Clever. You are all the way up here at the Lifetime Secluded Cabin in the Woods where I plan to kill you. Yes, I killed Army Wife Amy. I poisoned her iced coffee. Then, I moved in with Sgt. Toodles. You see, I was DYING TO BE A MILITARY WIFE. Since I am a criminal mastermind, I lured you up here and now, I plan to shoot you and bury you in the conveniently already dug grave in the woods.

*EVIL LAUGH*


While Broomhilda is giving her Lifetime Villian Spiel, Candy Clever attacks her. There is a brief struggle and Candy Clever runs into the woods. Because of course she does, Candy Clever trips on a pack of Slim Jims littering the woods. Broomhilda appears with the gun over Candy Clever's head.

Broomhilda: Hasta la vista, Candy Clever.

BUT WAIT. THERE IS SOMETHING UP ABOVE. SOMETHING  IN THE AIR.....


IT'S THE FALCON!

Broomhilda: What the hell is he doing here?

Candy Clever: You're not so smart now are you, Broomhilda?


Broomhilda: Whatever. You're doomed Falcon.

The Falcon:


And Broomhilda ASSUMES THE LIFETIME POSITION.

Candy Clever: Hooray! What can I do to thank you, Falcon?

The Falcon:


*Cue hillbilly western music*

That tricky Broomhilda caught her military man,
But Candy Clever foiled her plan.
She thought she'd shoot Candy in the head,
But The Falcon finished her instead.
So if you're Dying to Be A Military Wife,
let this be a lesson to you in life.
Stealing another spouse's wife doesn't pay,
MilitaryCupid.com or sitting outside the barracks dressed like a ho is the better way.

BE SURE TO TUNE IN NEXT LIFETIME FOR ANOTHER FEATURE FILM:

DEADLY DEPENDA: She's a military spouse with a real hankering for military discounts. And MURDER. Starring Daphne Zuniga as Marine Wife Molly.

Anddddddddddddd roll credits.

Did you enjoy "Dying To Be A Military Wife"? Do you think I should quit my "day job" and become a screenwriter for Lifetime? Let me know in the comments below!

Looking for my Academy Award for Best Shitty Lifetime Movie Script, I am,



40 comments:

  1. BAHAHA HILARIOUS!! I'm sitting at my desk laughing my head off, my colleagues are looking at me like I've gone cray...! Can't wait for Deadly Dependa!! ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm so glad you enjoyed! Thanks for being my right hand lady during the writing of this masterpiece! Lol lol

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  2. Standing ovation! Wild applause!! Can we hang together on the Red Carpet???

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Absolutely and of course, bring Bentley and Pierre. Dogs are better than people!

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  3. You are the funniest person ever!

    God bless,

    XO, Claire

    Http://www.littlemissfashionqueen.com

    ReplyDelete
  4. Well, I'd definitely watch! I love a good murder mystery!
    Mom is keeling over with laughter for some reason. Hmm...
    Yours sincerely,
    Margaret Thatcher

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  5. Pawsome script!!!!
    Loves and licky kisses
    Princess Leah xxx

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  6. Oh my gahhhh, Mili Wifey you made me my day. I read this out loud and in voices (as if auditioning) and laughed so hard I literally busted like five arteries. You are the best Lifetime writer EVER! This is the BEST!!!!!!!

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  7. LOL
    I love that you used a Duff.
    The story's Lifetime sarcasm is on spot!

    ReplyDelete
  8. MOL MOL MOL Maddie and Baby Belle your mom is too funny
    Love Dylan Neal as Military Hubby!
    Hugs madi your bfff

    ReplyDelete
  9. LMAO that was awesome. You definitely deserve an award and some cheesy poofs ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh my thank you! Where can I pick up my golden turd award?? Lol!!

      Delete
  10. This cracks me up---and the ex-lax commercial break---bwhahahahaha!!!

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  11. You are so crazy funny!

    God bless,

    XO, Claire

    Http://www.littlemissfashionqueen.com

    ReplyDelete
  12. Well, we can see the influence of 'LifeTime', but this is way ahead of the movies you've reviewed. Keep going on the sequel!

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  13. This is hilarious! Is MilitaryCupid.com a site or did you make that up? But yeah, this is FAR better than Military Wives, which was good until it wasn't anymore. I'd watch it!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No, it's real! Lol!! They have dating sites for everything, including old folks and sugarbabies!

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  14. You've missed your vocation. I hope you submitted this.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Haha. You know, I would watch this!

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  16. UMMMMMMM. you.are.hilarious. Let me know when it's out so I can watch!!!

    ReplyDelete

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