July 7, 2016

5 Things I Can NEVER Unsee



Friends, I am old as dirt. How old? I played with Monchichi, watched MTV emerge in its infancy (like, they played music videos once, I promise, I was there) and could tell you how to get to Sesame Street as a child. I am pure ancient dust. 

It is not fair at all that I keep aging relentlessly.


Le Sigh.

With that being the case, I am here to tell you that the older you become the more things you have seen in your life. Legit, nothing surprises me anymore. Some stuff you see is interesting, some banal, some "je ne sais quoi,"

And some, well......


Which brings us to this post. Today, I am sharing 5 of the most disturbing things I have seen in my 5,432 years of living. Why would I discuss this with you? Because sharing is caring, people. 

After all (take it away Nick Fury):


Here are 5 Things I Can NEVER Unsee.

1) The Human Centipede

Ok, ok, so, maybe, just maybe, this one was totally my fault. About four years ago, someone mentioned on Twitter about a horrible, disgusting movie they could never unsee titled "The Human Centipede." I asked my then boyfriend, who you know as Military Husband, about the plot of the movie.

Immediately, he was all:


And told me that it was stupid, awful filth and under no circumstances should I watch the film EVER. But, BUT, being yours truly (read: masochist), I watched anyway. Now, if you have never seen "The Human Centipede," you are in for a delightful treat indeed. Short summation of this pile of crap film: a wackadoo German scientist performs an experiment on two girls and a man that involves sewing certain body parts together. 

Once I saw the scientist's creation in all its glory, I was like:


I was warned, so yeah, #mybad on this one. Oh, and because the first disgusting mess of fuckery was so much fun, they made a Human Centipede 2 and Human Centipede 3. If you are REALLY curious, I am fairly certain these are available on Netflix. 

Just do not say I did not forewarn you. #bloodyawful 

2) The Miracle Of Life

Back in my high school days, teachers received a copy of a documentary made by PBS titled "The Miracle of Life." It was to be shown to teenagers to discourage them from engaging in premarital sex. Because I went to a parochial school, the Catholic priest who taught me senior year religion tortured us made us endure this film.

My reaction to this documentary:


Look, I know that the birth of your child was a magical experience. However, and trust me when I tell you this, looking at some random woman spread eagle, blood and other "liquids" squirting, cooch hanging out for all the known world to see, all the while a veiny grey looking alien is shooting out her hoohaa is not, REPEAT, not something I needed to see.

Not to mention, if you are going to be the star of said documentary, might you consider getting a Brazilian wax? Maybe use a razor? Epilady? ANYTHING?

Girl, that jungle down there is just:


The only thing "The Miracle of Life" discouraged me from was poor lady parts grooming. PBS, I just can't even with that mess. 

3) Knocking Out Justice Scalia

Being that I am an attorney, I have seen many horrifying sights. While working on criminal defense and personal injury cases, I viewed my fair share of "death photos" and it can be overwhelming. Nevertheless, NOTHING was as terrifying as what I witnessed in law school the day a Supreme Court Justice came to speak at our university. About ten years ago or so, Justice Antonin Scalia, RIP, gave a lecture to celebrate our law school's renovations. He was an amazing speaker, and sort of like a god to those of us "would be lawyers."

Shaking his hand and meeting him was truly an honor.


Because this was a formal affair, our law school student council served food, wine and beer. Yes, at our law school beer via kegs was fancy.

And Solo Cups for vodka, too!
#keepingitallthewayclassy

Since future lawyers are, well, future scumbags, more than a few of my classmates got stupid drunk. One of which was so trashed he fell backwards at the buffet line into someone else knocking that person down to the floor. And who was that person? Justice Scalia. My law school classmate, a future officer of the court, just toppled into a Supreme Court Justice.

Me and all of my friends were all like:


I am fairly certain that he had no idea he even knocked Justice Scalia out. Like he was so fucked up inebriated, he headed back to the buffet acting like he did not even know what occurred.

For real though, he was all:


Brushed himself off and just went about his afternoon.

Lawyers are the worst. And by worst I mean fucking terrible.

4) Poo Poo Potty

I really am not certain why this always happens to me. It is as if I am cursed by the Golden Gods of Toiletry that every.SINGLE.time I visit the women's bathroom I see something horrifying. I have seen children puking and having explosive poo everywhere, walked into a girl gang fight in a stall and witnessed many an intoxicated girl on the tile floor looking like this:

Waterproof mascara, folks. They make it for benders.
#dontaskmehowIknowthis

Needless to say, public bathrooms always have me on high alert. One day, Military Husband and I decided to have lunch at a rather popular restaurant in town. The food is decent, but we only eat there during the day because at night, the place gets like this:


And this:


See first paragraph of this post, we are just too damn old for that booty chatter.

I should have known the women's bathroom at this restaurant would be a thing of terror. However, I went anyway because tiny bladder problems. When I opened the stall door to the first toilet, there was a pile of Woo Girl Droppings in the floor.

No, I mean really, there it was - a big, huge mess of:


Just hanging out in all its glory. As if someone had missed the toilet and popped a squat on the floor. Which brings me to ask what kind of woman would do such a thing?

That has to be the definition of ratchetry.


Told you all I lived in the hood. #word

5) Sweet Sixteen Surprise

Because I am spoiled, I insisted on having a big party for my Sweet Sixteen. It was at a country club and it was by invitation only.

I know, I KNOW.


But truly, YOU digress. 

At the party, there was a 20something year old lifeguard working the pool who was a total perv. He spent most of the evening hitting on every girl at my party and offering them daiquiris from the clubhouse's frozen machines. One of the girls who attended that I shall call "Boozey Betty" proceeded to get white girl wasted on a frozen strawberry daiquiri. As the night drew to a close, my best friend and I were ready to leave and I knew we had to take Boozey Betty home. Boozey Betty, however, was nowhere to be found and neither was the lifeguard. My friend was beyond irritated, and we went out to the golf course where we found Boozey Betty and the lifeguard in, shall we say, a position that involved her on the knees.

And I was just like:


Right. I went to Catholic school. I TOLD you, friends. Catholic school = den of sin. Hey, there is a reason the priests learn the rite of exorcism. #teenagersarethedevil

Anyhoo, we finally got Boozey Betty home and in bed. The next morning, she woke up, looked at us and said:

Ya'll I think I kissed that guy last night.

And my best friend was all:


She looked at Boozey Betty and said:

I think you did a little more than that.

Then, Boozey Betty looked at me and I was like:


Seriously, what the hell was she thinking? Needless to say, Boozey Betty was pissed. We told her that my mom and dad would take her home once they woke up, but Boozey Betty insisted on leaving immediately. Thus, she called a cab and jumped our privacy fence. The whole time she was scaling my parent's fence, my best friend was saying:

Girl, if you break their fence, Mili Wifey's dad is going to make you pay for that shit.

However, Boozey Betty did not listen. She just scooted over that fence like a guilty kitten in heat jumps over a trash bin in an alley. And to this day, my friends, Boozey Betty hates my guts. Yes, she blames me for the entire affair. As if I forced her onto the golf course to assume the praying penis position.


Boozey Betty, I cannot unsee that. EVER. #happysweet16tome

What have you seen in your life that you can never unsee? Have you seen anything just absolutely repulsive, shocking or disturbing? Tell me about it in the comments below!

Using bleach to clean my eyes, I am,


53 comments:

  1. This is the best post ever!! Bahaha Praying penis position!! What does that mean?!?!?!

    Argh, girl, sometimes I wonder if I live in the 'hood - the girls at my office are so damn nasty. Our toilets are horrific. Blood and poop everywhere, what.the.hell. Do they do that at home as well? ARggggggh.

    Ok, I'm going to watch The Human Centipede this weekend. HAHA

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Seriously! What is wrong with women??? Disturbing. Hahaha enjoy!!! Lol

      Delete
  2. The Miracle of Life is absolutely traumatizing!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Seriously!! I'm so glad someone else agrees!!

      Delete
  3. Uuuugghhh whyyyyyyy with the Miracle of Life movie?!?!? Catholic school made us watch that, too. I am all about the scheduled C-section if I ever have kids.

    Lil Sis made me watch Human Centipede, but she said most of the movie was retarded and so fast forwarded through most of it to let me watch the abridged version. WHAT. THE. ACTUAL. F*CK. I've seen worse though. One of my high school friends went through a Weird German Porn phase (I don't even know, don't ask). The one he called 'freakshow porn' was particularly interesting. Between the dude with 2 functioning willies, the lady with three boobs that she milked on camera, the lady producing buckets [literally] of nether-regional fluids, and the midgets......... let's suffice it to say I nearly joined the nearest convent after leaving his house that day.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Omg! I saw a thing on Clown Sex once. It was pretty funny! Who knew clown fetish was a thing....

      Delete
  4. I'll admit to laughing out loud at this bit: Yes, she blames me for the entire affair. As if I forced her onto the golf course to assume the praying penis position.

    My god, haha!

    Hm, I've walked in on a lot I wish I hadn't. I have to say though, stumbling upon my then-13 year old brother whacking off tops the list.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Omg dead! So glad I didn't have siblings!! Lol

      Delete
  5. HC is a movie I will never see. I remember it made quite the news before it came out

    ReplyDelete
  6. Reading this right before I head to bed and am DYING laughing!!!! That story about Justice Scalia and "The Miracle of Life".... hilarious!!! Oh my gosh. Thank you for compiling this list. Made my night.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm glad I made you laugh! That makes me happy! It's what I love to do!
      The Scalia story...I had such second hand embarrassment for that guy.

      Delete
  7. OMD, soooo funny!!! Ma KNEW to stay away from the HC movie! Creepy, I mean REALLY creepy sh*t like that, SO not my thing! I would have had true nightmares for months, if not years! I guess I won't mention Scalia. You and my Ma do not see him in the same light. She thinks he's a piece of, well, what the gurl left in the bathroom, and let's leave it at that. Let's agree to disagree about him. Oh and HIGH FIVE to that dude...just sayin'....☺
    Anyhu, it's never easy to be the bearer of embarrassing news to a black out drunk! I've had my share of, 'I'm not EVER talking to you again, because you remind me that I had grass-stains in places grass shouldn't ever be'. I'm sure you don't miss her anyways.
    Kisses,
    Ruby ♥

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha! Yeah I figured someone would say that about Scalia. But you have to realize that as a young law student, meeting a Supreme Court Justice was a huge deal! It's like meeting the President. Even if I didn't agree with his policies or his political party, meeting him is a huge deal! They are like celebrities in a way...but they run the country so it's a much bigger deal. Regardless of how any of us felt about Scalia, it was like WOW. Because you know none of us nincompoops are ever gonna be a SC justice! Lmao

      Delete
  8. I too went to Catholic school, and I too have seen "The Miracle of Life". When my sister had her babies she wanted me there, but I stayed up by her head. Didn't want to see it in real life. I can't even with The Human Centipede. You are brave!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lol! I'm so glad so many people remember this documentary! It was seriously gagging gross. I mean, look, if it was family I might not mind, but some strange ass woman?? No!! Lol.

      Delete
  9. MOL! My momma had breakfast with Scalia when she wuz in law school. Nobody knocked him over then.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's so awesome! Your mom and I would get along so well!

      Delete
  10. MOL MOL MOL Mom of Maddie and Baby Belle...If we had an who is older guessing contest I bet my mom would win. She was in the generation to first see a TV and the screen was the size of a postage stamp
    Hugs to you 3 lovely ladies
    Madi your bfff

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Your mommy lived in the BEST generation! I loved the old shows back then. And the clothes were everything!!

      Delete
  11. PS the Finding Big Foot TV show once had trailer about the show. The gal on there says I cannot unsee that while shaking her head so hard her jaws wobble. Mom cracks up every time she sees it.
    Hugs madi

    ReplyDelete
  12. Yup, totally agree with you. The girls who went to the convent across the street from our high school were the worst!

    ReplyDelete
  13. Thanks for the warning about that movie. I hate seeing gross stuff in the toilet. I also hate when I'm going to the bathroom and hear someone retching in another stall. On my first cruise, there was a huge piece of poo in this one toilet and everyone was going into the bathroom to look at it. (Amusing to twenty-somethings, which I was at the time.)
    A long time ago, I was hanging out with this guy who had fake front teeth and gums (as a result of an accident). He was able to detach them like they were a retainer or something. Weirded me out to no end. I'm sure I could think of other things too.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Oh my goodness. That's a lot of craziness for one person to see! I love the Friends gif.

    ReplyDelete
  15. We are laughing so hard. stella rose

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lol! I know it's all bad but man, I had to see this!! Lol I didn't ask for it! Hahaha

      Delete
  16. We had to watch that "The Miracle of Life" video in childhood development class in high school and of course I was sitting right next to the biggest perve in my class. Fun times ;)

    LMAO at Boozy Betty!!!

    ReplyDelete
  17. OMG, my BIL LOVES that centipede movie. I'm like "wtf is wrong with you???"

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Seriously?? I wondered who liked it! It has a damn cult following!! Lol

      Delete
  18. Ohhhhh my gosh, never took the initiative to watch the human centipede. You have strength. Haha.
    I can't unsee two girls one cup....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Also have walked in on dope heads nodding out or shooting up in the stall/come out fucked up

      Delete
    2. Omg two girls one cup!! Barf.
      Oh yeah I've seen that sort of thing before. Hood life!! Xxoo

      Delete
  19. OMG....and here I thought the Lifetime movies were bad enough...LOL.

    ReplyDelete
  20. There are some things that I keep buried in the darkest recesses of my mind and there they must stay. Suffice to say, I worked in the school system for too many years. LOL!

    ReplyDelete
  21. A whole generation ago I I flew charter (as the pilot) of expensive business aircraft in California. All I can say is I have seen.
    (1) someone poop in the center of the aisle of a 10 million dollar aircraft that HAS a toilet
    (2) the lead singer of a very popular clean scrubbed band snorting cocaine off - WTF that's our operations manual!
    and
    after one late night flight, when I went to tidy up after everyone deplaned
    (3) footprints - little female footprints on the expensive taupe fabric covered CEILING. What position has you have your feet on the ceiling of a business jet? We're up front and things are beeping and they're flashing and they're flashing and they're beeping and someone in the back is auditioning for gymnast porn.

    After that job the airlines were a total snooze.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Omg! I wanna know who the band was lol.

      Delete
  22. OMG i am chuckling at this entire post! I love it. Just found your blog <3
    XO Ellen from Ask Away
    www.askawayblog.com

    ReplyDelete
  23. Haha. Good laugh. :D
    The Miracle of Life was shown to us when I was in college. I can still remember it.

    But thanks for not posting them here. Just gifs are awesome.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh god, I would never post that film anywhere! It was horrible! Hahaha

      Delete
  24. I remember The Miracle Of Life. Eek!

    It sounds like you had an amusing 16th birthday.

    Having 2 kids, yes. I've seen a lot of gross things.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh I can imagine! Kids can really gross you out!

      Delete
  25. Hahahaha that last one though. Why teenagers suck!

    ReplyDelete
  26. The Human Centipede is like a train wreck. You know it's awful but your eyes still veer that way. Needless to say, I haven't watched the other two and probably won't.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Omg I know! I still can't believe I watched that lol.

      Delete

Leave a comment & I'll comment back!
If you're new, make sure you leave a link to your blog so I can check it out! :)