June 5, 2016

Lifetime Movie Network Recap: You May Now Kill The Bride



Ah, summertime is upon us. And when I think of summer, I think of heatstrokes, chlorine reeking public pools filled with toddler pee pee and Lincoln log poo, barbecues with weenies and gas inducing pork and beans and of course, wedding season.

All brides are beautiful.
And insane until they say "I do."

It should come as no surprise that Lifetime is celebrating the season of the blushing bride with their latest Saturday Night Colostomy Bag Masterpiece:


The title alone and I am like:


Than be slowly tortured with this painful inflammation of a film.

But truly, I digress.

We open "You May Now Kill The Bride" with a bride in peril! Her mouth is duct taped, there is blood on her wedding dress and someone is standing over her with an axe.

And I am all:

I have two hours of this fuckery to digest.

Then, we meet Mark and Nicole our "Lifetime Couple." Mark has planned a surprise birthday party for Nicole. Audrey, Mark's stepsister, arrives unexpectedly. She asks to see Nicole's engagement ring, but oh noes, Mark has not proposed yet! Immediately, Mark asks Nicole to marry him and she is elated. The two decide to marry in three weeks and invite Audrey to stay with them to plan the wedding. The next morning, in the spirit of all things wedding wonderful, Audrey tells Nicole about Mark's last fiancee' Rachel. Rachel killed herself by jumping off a bridge in her wedding dress and totally blew her chances of starring in "You May Now Kill The Bride."

Rachel:


Starring in this movie would be akin to a slow, torturous, painful death.

Later that afternoon, Nicole and Nicole's best friend Celine go wedding dress shopping. Audrey arrives at the shop to help without being invited. Celine tells Nicole that Audrey seems like a crazy bitch and is most likely the antagonist in this Lifetime Shitshow. 

Nevertheless, Nicole is like:


And ignores Celine's warnings. #fuckingidiot

Nicole finds her favorite dress and gets fitted for alterations. As she and Celine leave, Audrey secretly changes the measurements on the dress. The next day, Nicole and Mark pose for engagement pictures while we are treated to a montage of Audrey being a "Lifetime psycho doing psycho things." She drinks, pops pills, tries on Nicole's clothes and basically, acts like most of the girls on every season of ABC's The Bachelorette.


The next evening is Nicole's bridal shower. Audrey sneaks Nicole and Mark's sex tape into a slide show prepared by Celine. Nicole is humiliated and blames Celine for everything. On the way to her car, Celine calls Nicole and leaves her a message that Audrey is dangerous. And, because of course she does, Audrey attacks Celine and Celine:

Assumes the Lifetime position.

Well, actually, Celine is in the hospital in a coma. Audrey suggests that she be Nicole's new maid of honor and Nicole agrees reluctantly. Nicole heads to the bridal shop to pick up her wedding dress with Audrey. When Nicole's dress does not fit, Audrey reminds her that most brides get fat right before their wedding.

And I am like:


Nicole should really gut punch this bitch Audrey.

But, BUT, Nicole does nothing. Soon after, Audrey heads home to tell Mark that Nicole has been suggesting the wedding be called off. When Mark's best man arrives to pick up Mark for his bachelor party, Audrey gives him money to get Mark super drunk. Meanwhile, Nicole is visiting Celine in the hospital. Celine warns Nicole that Audrey is dangerous, she was the one that pushed Celine off the garage and, further:


Later that night, Mark is getting dry humped by a stripper at his bachelor party. And the stripper, well:


She is Mark's stepsister Audrey!

Apparently, Audrey has a thing for her brother Mark and wants to replace Nicole. 


I know, I KNOW. Lifetime just cannot pull itself out of the grimy gutter that is the "Lifetime Ew Factor." 

Mark returns home and Nicole is furious. She has found an empty bottle of anti-psychotic medicine that belongs to Audrey. Nicole orders Audrey out of her home and Mark goes to find her. However, Audrey is hiding in the kitchen with a butcher knife. She tries to kill herself, but Mark arrives just in time to stop her. Audrey's parents take her to a hospital. The next day is Mark and Nicole's wedding. Audrey sneaks into Nicole's bridal suite, knocks out Nicole and attempts to drown her in the bathtub.  AND because this is Lifetime and we are supposed to suspend all plausible belief in logistics, Audrey puts on a wedding dress and meets Mark at the alter. She tells Mark they have shared "special moments" and they need to get married.

And Military Husband is all:


Me: What?

Military Husband: I haven't even watched this whole thing and this is absolutely ridiculous.

But you know what? I am ONLY thinking to myself:

There are STILL 15 minutes left of this crotch rash. 

15 MINUTES PEOPLE.


In conclusion, and to spare you those painstakingly long minutes I endured, Mark finds Nicole in the bridal suite and attempts to revive her. Audrey tries to attack Mark. At the last minute, Nicole wakes up and knocks Audrey out with a champagne bottle. Audrey comes to and they both fall in the bathtub. Nicole breaks free and runs to Mark. Nicole and Mark eventually marry in a small ceremony later on. And Audrey? She survives and is currently living in The Lifetime Looney Bin.

I am fairly certain yours truly will be self admitting to this establishment in the near future. 


I am totally blaming the movies. Lifetime movies, that is.

Anddddddddd roll credits.

Did you watch "You May Now Kill The Bride"? Have you ever been to a crazy wedding? Share your crazy wedding stories in the comments!

I'm serving Lifetime with divorce papers because I am,



38 comments:

  1. I really tried to finish this but I had an overwhelming urge to pick lint off my bedspread that was not to be resisted and I knew you would not let me down and would let me know how it ended. You need some kind of medal for above and beyond of bloggers for doing these.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I just died laughing. Thank you for that. Lol!!
      Omg Medal of Lifetime Honor! I should petition Congress...

      Delete
  2. This plot is just awesome! Truly amazing and should win many awards!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Wow this plot, hahah just wow!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Right?? Horrible! Don't expose the baby to this!! Lol

      Delete
  4. "My favorite channel is the Lifetime Channel because Lifetime is television for women -- Lifetime: Television for Women. Yet, for some reason, there's always a woman getting beaten on that channel." -Jim Gaffigan

    ReplyDelete
  5. I'm currently watching Drop Dead Diva, that's Lifetime right?! I'm watching it on Netflix I'm obsessed!

    God bless,

    XO, Claire

    Http://www.littlemissfashionqueen.com


    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I haven't seen that one! But we watch Unreal. It's Lifetime and it's a great show!!

      Delete
  6. I am hoping it was an EMPTY champagne bottle used for the knock out, it would be a shame to waste a full one after that ummmm..... bizarre storyline
    Loves and licky kisses
    Princess Leah xxx

    ReplyDelete
  7. Bahahahaa leave it to Lifetime to put together a fabulous wedding month movie! I always am laughing so hard you are awesome at these reviews, girl. I think it is time Lifetime renamed itself Raunchy & Ratchet! xoxoxo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I mean ruining wedding season and everything!!

      Delete
  8. I seriously would love to see your giphy google history. Way too funny. How do you keep it all so good. Everyone makes me laugh.

    ReplyDelete
  9. LOL I saw that title in the TV Guide. Once again I passed it up to set the 3 vet shows I taped
    Dr. K exotic vet, The Vet Life, and Cat from Hell...way more entertaining.
    See you all on the other side of the BAR.
    hugs madi your bfff and mom

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I love that Cat from Hell show! It cracks me up! Basically animals are better than people so I'm rooting for the cats lol.

      Delete
  10. You had to use the Carrie and Big gif, hu? I used to be (still am, comm'on SATC3)Sex and the City fan and that part had be bawling. That is a much bigger deal when you know I do not cry. Ever. Unless I am pregnant and a puppy comes on TV (I have no idea).

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lol! I love that show! Haha I miss it!! Xxoo

      Delete
  11. Ok. Funny story. We are away for a couple days and I was eatching tv and changing stations and was watching this and didn't know!! I started reading your recap and am like wait. I was watching this and wondering what the heck it was!!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Another award winning ...oh wait, nope...Another 2 hours of your viewing time lost ;-). Fortunately, your review gives me 5-10 minutes of smiles and gigglea!

    Thanks for taking one for the team! LOL

    ReplyDelete
  13. That all sounds more screwed up than a football bat!

    ReplyDelete
  14. Man, this sounds like a crazy one! But then again, aren't they all? :p

    ReplyDelete
  15. I came soooo close to watching this. Whew! I have one of the weirdest wedding stories on record. The bride & groom were standing in front of the preacher with their backs to the congregation. Bride's grandmother has a heart attack in the pews. We notice a commotion, the best man leaves the groom's side and the preacher keeps the couple's attention. Hear sirens in front of the church. Paramedics rush in to start CPR on Granny as they "gurney" her out of the ceremony. Doors close, sirens sound off in the distance and the preacher tells the bride and groom to turn around and proceeds to introduce the new Mr. & Mrs. P.S. Marriage did not last but Granny survived!

    ReplyDelete
  16. Perfection, as usual (your recap, not the movie). I don't know how you do it!

    ReplyDelete
  17. I don't think Tom would tolerate any of this. He's already like "WTF?" when I put on Real Housewives.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lmao!! Oh yeah Military Husband hates the housewives lol.

      Delete
  18. Beginning to think all the screenwriters and producers of these films should be in the loony bin.....perhaps they are.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Replies
    1. Hahaha right? These movies are really getting worse.

      Delete

Leave a comment & I'll comment back!
If you're new, make sure you leave a link to your blog so I can check it out! :)