June 19, 2016

Lifetime Movie Network Recap: Mother, May I Sleep With Danger



James Franco is such an ass.


I try to forgive his groan worthy performance as Harry Osborn because, well, I do heart Spiderman. However, a string of other roles in films such as James Dean (Franco as James Dean - really? REALLY?), Oz The Great and Powerful (to be fair, Michelle Williams was that film's only good casting decision) and Spring Breakers (on my "worst movies of all time" list) are indefensible.

Let's not forget that time when Franco was a fucking dumbass total creep and hit on a teenager using his Instagram account.

#JustNO

To add insult to his injurious "career," Franco decided to remake the NBC made for television movie Mother, May I Sleep With Danger. 2016 marks the 20th anniversary of this cult classic starring Tori Spelling as a teenage girl in a dangerous relationship with a psychopath, played by Ivan Sergei. The remake features both Spelling and Sergei, but is completely different than the original. How you ask? Well, Franco rewrote the story about the trials of lesbian vampires.

Translation: Franco used an opportunity to remake a classic as a chance to audition attractive young actresses making out with each other. 

Yup, he used the Lifetime Network as his own personal filth ridden casting couch.


There is so much #icanteven going on in this movie it is absolutely inexcusable.

We open "Mother, May I Sleep With Danger" watching a co-ed named Pearl arrive at her girlfriend's home. After a make out session, the girlfriend tells Pearl she has been keeping a secret. She is actually a "nightwalker." And I am like:


Nope, she is a vampire.


And she wants to turn Pearl into a vampire because if you turn your one true love into a vampire, then you both can feed off each other forever. She bites Pearl and then, Pearl stakes her through the heart. Pearl immediately becomes a vampire and three lesbian vampires bring her lunch in the form of some random dude.


And this conversation occurs.

Me: Um, ok, everyone knows. And I do mean EVERYONE. You can only become a vampire if you are bitten and drink the blood of the vampire that turns you. Hello, Bram Stoker. Ahem, Whedon education via seven seasons of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Military Husband: This is Franco's vampires. They are special.

Two hours of Franco's fuckery.
#bloodyhell

Five years later, we meet Leah who is taking a college class from a professor played by Ivan Sergei. He has written "vampire sexuality" on the chalkboard and is blathering on about vampires and sexual prowess in movies and books. Leah raises her hand to defend the Twilight series.

This is where I should have known a storm of proverbial poo was stirring.


After class, Leah auditions for the role of Macbeth. Guess who the director of said play is?


Military Husband: This toolbox gave himself a cameo in this pile of crap?

Me: 

Where is Giles to aid us in this nonsense.

After the auditions, Leah returns home and tells her mom Julie, played by Tori Spelling, that she is inviting someone special over for dinner. At this point, I would like to mention Tori looked quite good in this movie.


But, BUT, yeah, she must have REALLY needed the money. #cashfortrash

Later, Leah learns she has been cast as Macbeth. Bob, a creepy stalker guy who has a crush on Leah, was cast as Macduff. Pearl immediately lets the audience know that Macduff kills Macbeth.


Mili Wifey Rantin' Time in 3.....2.....1.....

Listen, James Franc-douche. I have read Macbeth five times, including an in depth study in college and a performance in the actual play. We women are not ALL bouncing booby morons with the IQ of a beefy gordita, you pretentious assclown.


/rant off

While Leah and Pearl make out to celebrate, Bob spies on them in the bushes. By the way, there are a lot of "lesbian make out scenes" in this movie. See what I mean? Franco = asshat SUPREME. I know, I KNOW, moving along. For now. After the celebration, Leah and Pearl head to Julie's for dinner. Julie is surprised when Leah comes out as a lesbian and says Pearl is her girlfriend. However, Franco chooses not to dwell on this issue for long. We move immediately into a scene where Leah is rehearsing for Macbeth and the three witches, played by the three vampire lesbians, are all over Leah like a girl on girl porn.

And Franco is literally cocked back in his theater seat, drooling.

I am not familiar with THIS lurid X-rated version of Macbeth, Franco. #suchatool

Incidentally, the lesbian vampires are always wearing black lingerie, stockings, red lipstick, dark eyeliner and tousled "sex" hair.


Legit looking like they are auditioning to become a member of Prince's entourage in the early 90s.

RIP Prince.

After rehearsal, Bob asks Leah out on a date. Leah tells him she is in love with someone and Bob asks if it is Pearl. Leah is furious Bob has been spying on her and yells at him. To get even, Bob calls Julie and tells her that Pearl is "bad news" and with a "bad crowd" who "possibly are into drugs." Julie also learns that Pearl is not even enrolled in the university. When Leah returns home, she insists Leah stop seeing Pearl. But who cares about that story line, right, Franco? 

Time to move on to another scene involving the lesbian vampires.

#thisisSObad

The lesbian vampires arrive at a fraternity party, slither around, dance seductively and attack a guy who is attempting to assault a co-ed. Well, at least these vampires are helping fight college crime. 


However, this movie is still utter garbage.

Meanwhile, Julie forbids Leah to see Pearl. Because of course she does, Leah sneaks out to meet Pearl anyway. Then, Pearl tells Leah that she is a vampire. Leah, angry and shocked, leaves. The three vampire lesbians confront Pearl all whiney that Pearl has yet to turn Leah into a vampire. They continue their bitching and let Pearl know if she does not bite Leah, they will do it themselves.

Le Sigh.

These vampires are becoming annoying. We really need True Blood's Pam around here to bitchslap these broads.

And please, put Franco on that vamp hit list.

Back in the college class, Leah's professor is discussing goblins. Wow, could this be a subtle reference to the Green Goblin?

Such an egotistical prick.

After class, Leah calls Pearl and plans to meet her that evening. At rehearsal, Leah performs a scene from Act 2 of Macbeth in which Macbeth kills Duncan. Franco, sneering from the audience, instructs the three lesbian vampires to toss buckets of blood on her. I am sure this scene was supposed to have some sort of artistic meaning, but I am totally all:


At night, Leah meets Pearl and Pearl explains what life is like as a vampire, you know, wearing skanky clothes, eating the campus creeps, wearing lots of dark makeup, plus random makeout sessions for Franco whenever he is acting like a hornball. She will live this hell do this for eternity unless she finds her one true love and turns her; then, they can feed off each other forever in an "eternal bond." Leah tells Pearl to turn her and she refuses. Pearl was forced by the three lesbian vampires to choose Leah to turn her, but she fell in love with Leah and does not want her to suffer. Leah looks at Pearl and says, "there are others?" And Pearl tells her there are, but they are not all moody and dramatic like her.

This script needs Buffy badly.
#whenindoubtWhedonitout

Anyhoo, it is time for the country club Halloween party organized by Julie. Everyone is there, including Bob, dressed as Dracula, and Leah, dressed in a 1920s costume.

Unfortunately for me, Julie, aka Tori, did not come dressed like this:

A girl can dream.
#90210forever #DonnaMartinGraduates

Bob slips a roofie in a drink and gives it to Leah. Leah becomes lightheaded and Bob escorts her outside. As he attempts to assault Leah, the three lesbian vampires attack Bob and Leah. Suddenly, Julie runs outside looking for Leah and the vampires and Bob disappear. The next morning, Leah tells her mom that Bob drugged her. However, Bob has missing since last night.

Oh noes! Where is Bob?

Faith will always be my favorite fictitious character of life.
#badassbitch

It is opening night on Franco's Macbeth. GROAN. Bob arrives and he, as Macduff and Leah, as Macbeth being to fight. Spoiler alert: Bob is now a vampire. Leah realizes this and runs off the stage with Bob, the three lesbian vampires and Julie chasing after her. The entire group runs directly towards an old creepy cemetery filled with lots of dry ice style Halloween smoke.

It is totally like the last five minutes of every episode of Scooby Doo.


Brilliant film directing.
#RuhRohFranco

Julie tries to help Leah, but Bob attacks her instead. Pearl and Leah fight all the vampires successfully. Nevertheless, Julie is dead.

She did not even have a chance to tell Leah NOT to sleep with danger!


#BOOOOOOOOOOOO. These lesbian vampires turned Bob into a vampire, but not Tori? C'mon! Donna Martin Re-animates!!

In conclusion, Pearl and Leah leave the cemetary and Leah begs Pearl to turn her into a vampire. Thus, Leah obliges and they live happily ever after. Dear God, please let these two take a train directly to Sunnydale.

The Hellmouth is there, girls, and it is AWESOME.


And now, it is time for a preview of The Purge: Election Year!


Oh, never freaking mind. It is just Bob and the three lesbian vampires heading into a party dressed in masks created with a glue gun and magic markers by Franco himself.


Oh Franco, why? Just WHY? Do you not understand anything about remakes?

Lesson #6,789 by our beloved friend, Wes Craven.
#RIP

Anddddddddddd roll credits.

Did you watch this remake of "Mother, May I Sleep With Danger"? Did you ever see the original? Let me know all your thoughts in the comments below!

Lifetime, May We Revoke Franco's SAG Membership? Just asking cause I am,


30 comments:

  1. I'd rather be trapped on an elevator with Oompa Loompa's on Viagra then watch Tori Spelling in a Lesbian vampire movie, but I thoroughly enjoyed your recap

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    Replies
    1. LMFAO. HAHAHAHAHA. It was worse than you can imagine.

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  2. This sounds so painfully bad, haha!

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    Replies
    1. God you have no idea. I was shocked. Lol

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  3. Another amazing production! But really, hahaha - James Franco is now doing Lifetime?!? Wow!! This was a great recap!!

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    1. Yeah, it's the only place he is allowed to write, direct, produce and act. Horrible!
      And thank you!! xxoo

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  4. I is finking I should sue Mr Franco fur using my name in such an awful film!
    Loves and licky kisses
    Princess Leah xxx

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  5. Oh my...once again the Lifetime slipped under our radar. You know they used to have good wholesome movies and funny. Geeeez they might need new management...like Maddie, Baby Belle and Madi
    MOL MOL MBBM LLC
    Hugs madi your bfff

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    Replies
    1. Totally! Maddie, Madi and Belle are totally smarter!

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  6. I really wonder where they get these ideas from haha, they are so bad!

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  7. Okays, so I gots to defend Mr. Franco, cause he's a local dude! okays...I gots nothin' for this piece of doggie do....what up James??! I thinks you might be right...maybe he just wanted to see some hot, young actresses make out with each other.....what is he 12??! yeah, he needs a smack-down for this one. and maybe some career advice. just sayin'.
    Kisses,
    Ruby ♥
    pees: next time, don't watch this Lifetime crap without a full pitcher of margaritas!!!!

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    1. Lmao! Yeah we have some celebrities from around my neck of the woods and sadly some of them act like real assclowns!
      He totally shouldn't have made this! Horrible!! Xxoo
      Ps I love you and your mom tho!

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  8. I saw this featured yesterday. The reactions are mixed.

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  9. While this movie sounds pretty dang dumb, I must admit - I think Franco is really funny. I watch "The Interview" primarily because of every line he has in it. It's really funny. Soooo, I kinda want to see this now, which I know is the opposite of your point, lol. Also, it looks so bad that it might be good.

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    1. Hahaha, give it a whirl! It was...stupid....but not AS bad as some of the other crap on there.
      PS a friend of mine took acting classes with Franco.

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  10. This sounds like a crazy movie. Too crazy for me!

    Tori Spelling, ha. I used to watch her reality show. Then I guess her cheating husband didn't want to do it anymore. Too bad. It had some drama that I liked.

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  11. I haven't finished reading this because I actually DO plan to watch this pile of trash because I'm old enough to remember watching the original the NIGHT IT AIRED.

    Ahem.

    But I have always liked James Franco because he laughs at himself.

    This was, of course, before I knew about the pervy teenage girl thing. Now I'm totally skeeved out.

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    1. Oh yeah! That happened! Bahahaha.
      I remember the original when it aired too! Did you ever see the Tori Spelling movie "Death of a Cheerleader" where the unpopular girl killed her (based on a true story)? One of my faves!!

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  12. James Franco hitting on dat 17 year old is kinda creepy... but Momma sez it ain't as creepy as if it was John Mayer (for some reason she sez he reminds her of a lounge lizard.... not shure whut a lounge lizard is, cuz all da lizards we gots 'round here is always loungin'.....)
    Momma sez she'd have to up her alckihol intake to watch dis stuff.... and dat has calories and she'd git fat, it'd take so much.
    Bol, bol....

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  13. I saw Tori Spelling on a talk show and wanted to watch this show... I didn't see the original...but I do still want to see both =)

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    1. Oh the original is good! I love Tori. She's great.

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  14. Can't say I've watched the remake or the original. Neither sound too exciting to me. True Blood's Pam is a total badass. True Blood, so far, has been my favorite show of all time. As for the third Purge, I have plans on seeing it in theater. I don't think the first two were all-out great, but the whole idea of Purge is interesting to me.

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    1. True Blood was great!
      I liked the last Purge! I'm looking forward to the new one!

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  15. I swear, every pothead I've ever known in my life makes bad, bad, bad decisions. James Franco reminds me of the 40-something-year-old pot smokers I know who are just complete messes because they can't make a good decision to save their lives. Not that everyone who smokes it is like that...but Franco and these others smoke it all day long...and look at Franco's IMDB. It's like one long string of "WHAT THE...?" Right? I mean, the guy had a career going and randomly decided to do a stint on General Hospital. That sums it all up!

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    1. Yeah, his string of films are garbage. But I will say, as BAD as this was, there's a career for him at Lifetime. The cheesier the better!

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