June 12, 2016

Lifetime Movie Network Recap: Killing Mommy



When you are a member of a Lifetime family, your codename is "DAF," otherwise known as Dysfunctional As Fuck. See for exampleYou May Now Kill The BrideThe Perfect DaughterThe Stepchild and the list goes on and on and ON.

Basically, watching this network's familial system at work makes you wonder:


Terrible convoluted scriptwriting, thy name be Lifetime. #anditbeBAD

This Saturday night's fiasco was titled "Killing Mommy" and yes, per usual, I was THRILLED to be spending my evening digging through the fecal matter. A conversation occurred that went something like this:

Me: Is there anything good on television tonight? And DO NOT say my Lifetime movie.

Military Husband: Lol. No, I was just checking the guide. There's nothing on.

Me:

And my penance are these films.

Le Sigh.

We open "Killing Mommy" by meeting Deb, a hard drinking, angry, ratchet weave wearing protagonist.

And folks, Deb's wig is horrible.


It is akin to that time Twilight's Kristen Stewart played Joan Jett in The Runaways.


Why God, WHY?

Throughout that film and this entire Lifetime floating barfbag masterpiece, I was thinking:


Who the hell was the costume designer? One of the Wayans Brothers?


But truly, I digress.

In the opening scene of "Killing Mommy," Deb gets arrested. The next day, Deb's identical twin Julianna is celebrating her birthday. She and her mom, Eve, receive a call that Deb is in jail.

And why was Deb arrested?


Yeah. No, she was arrested for punching a girl in the face at The Beacon and Bell Bar, a Lifetime drinking establishment. That evening, Deb, Julianna, Eve and Eve's boyfriend Winston all have dinner together. Eve surprises her daughters by telling them she and Winston are engaged. Deb is furious and leaves to get drunk at the bar and Julianna heads to a party with her bestie, Becky. Through a flashback, we learn that Deb and Julianna's dad died years ago.

He was killed when the Mustang he was rebuilding for Deb suddenly fell on him.

Hey, I do not write this shit.
#justfollowalong

The next day, Julianna asks Eve for money. Eve tells her that money is tight and she is selling their home. Winston plans to invest the money made from the sale to help Eve. Unhappy, Julianna takes a bottle of wine to Deb's to commiserate. Deb invites her in and, because she owns no wine glasses, pours them drinks in red Solo Cups.

And then, my friends, Deb says my all time favorite quote of Lifetime.


"It has the same effect no matter what you drink it out of."

Hell to the Y-E-S, Deb. This is exactly what I have been saying since my college days.

Glass, Solo Cup, bottle, a bowl....your hand.
At the end of the day, you are still #drunkasaskunk

Julianna tells Deb about their mom selling the house. Thus, Deb proceeds to get plowed, goes to Eve's work and throw a fit. The next day, Winston finds "DAD" with an X across it spray painted on his car. Later that evening, Eve leaves the charity auction she organized and Deb tries to run Eve down in her car. Then, Deb asks her boytoy Deke to help her get a gun. Once they have the gun, the two head back to Deb's apartment to celebrate. 

And by celebrate, I mean do copious amounts of drugs, pop bottles and play poke the hoagie with the salami.

It is just like a Lil Wayne video.


Except this is Lifetime thus:


Right. #justno

The next day, Eve tells Julianna that Deb tried to run her down. Julianna thinks Deb is dangerous. Then, Julianna goes to a cabin and we see Deb tied to a chair! Julianna has been wearing a bad weave and pretending to be Deb this entire time. Julianna tried to run Eve down and picked up the gun with Deke. Because of course she does, Julianna gives a five minute soliloquy detailing her evil plan. She killed their dad because he would not give her money and she plans to kill Eve because she ALSO will not give her money.

Basically, Julianna's motive is spoiled bitch. And I am like:


Can't you just go find a Lifetime dirty old geezer, Julianna? 

Anyhoo, Julianna, as Deb, meets up with Deke and kills him in Deb's apartment. She calls Eve and tells her that Deb called, is at her apartment and is threatening suicide. They arrive at Deb's apartment and find Deke assuming the Lifetime position. Eve calls the Lifetime Police Department and they, in all their intelligent glory and splendor, determine that Deke's death was:

"Sexual deviation gone awry."

Really Lifetime Police Department? Really?


How many times can I say I can't even? #cantevenANYMORE

On my tombstone will be engraved:

Here lies Mili Wifey. She could not even with Lifetime.

Let's fast forward to the final act, shall we? Because:


Julianna tells Eve to hide at the cabin because Deb is crazy. Julianna also secretly heads to the cabin. However, Deb escapes into the woods. Julianna runs into the woods with a gun looking for Deb. The two struggle and Eve appears. Julianna insists Eve shoot Deb, but Julianna has Deb's phone and she knows what was spray painted on Winston's car. Realizing she never told Julianna that information and Julianna was pretending to be Deb, Eve shoots Julianna. We flash forward to Eve and Winston's wedding. Deb is dating a new wonderful man, but still has the horrible wig, black eyeliner and piercings and Julianna?

Well, she is in Lifetime Prison being someone else's bitch.


Anddddddddd roll credits.

Did you watch "Killing Mommy"? Are any of your siblings wild and crazy? Or spoiled? Let me know in the comments below!

Lifetime is a bad weave wearing bitch of a channel and I am still,


36 comments:

  1. I tried to watch it and it was just too painful haha.

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  2. Wild and Crazy why that is me. My litter of eight and I was the first pup out of there.
    Sweet William The Scot

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  3. Another masterpiece! And what's wrong with red solo cups?!?! HAHA That is indeed the best line ever!!

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  4. The title alone sounds corny!

    God bless,

    XO, Claire

    Http://www.littlemissfashionqueen.com

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  5. Holy crap on a stick!!!! Are the movies getting WORSE, or is it just my imagination??? Really, I thinks they need to resurrect the writers from the 1990's to gets this crap back on track! geesh.
    Oooooooo! did you see the trailer on the Conjuring 2??!!! Ooooooo! Ma is toooo excited!
    Kisses,
    Ruby ♥

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  6. Yvonne Zima can barely pull off one role in a movie bever mind two. Horrid acting!

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  7. My siblings are both crazy, although not very wild anymore. I feel like Lifetime is now making the movies as bad as possible as a joke. But your recaps are brilliant - and that Little Wayne commercial cracks me up every time!

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    1. Aw thanks!! I'm so glad you like them!!

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  8. Wow, Mr Chow!

    I just found these movies on our Lifetime channel. Friday night at 11 we have Stolen from the Womb. Thank God I'm working!

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    1. Omg! The movies are everywhere! Like herpes!

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  9. I'm waiting for the follow up films - "Killing Granny", "Killing Moron Cousin" and "Killing Kelly Ripa".

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    1. Oh yeah! I am down for moron cousin lol.

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  10. Replies
    1. I say that every Saturday night! It's the same reaction I had to that romantic cheesy music that played over Black Widow as she kissed Bruce Banner in Ultron. Just...confusing...and just NO.

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  11. I did NOT watch it. Too crazy for me.

    But I don't have any siblings. I wish! Or maybe I'm glad I'm an only child.

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    1. I am glad I'm an only! I don't think the world could handle more of me lol!! ;)

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  12. I strongly believe your posts are 150% more entertaining than those shows

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    Replies
    1. Aw thank you! I appreciate you reading them!! Xxoo

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  13. That film sounds absolutely ridiculous, even by Lifetime standards...

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  14. MOL MOL another 'classic Lifetime' movie mom missed. She was still at the BAR hotel that night.
    Hugs to Maddie and Baby Belle
    Madi your bfff

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    1. I LOVED all the stories from the BAR! So much better than the only BAR I know (aka, the BAR exam for lawyers...haha...not a treat to take at all). So sorry we missed it, but maybe, MAYBE next year!!
      Sending you love and hugs!!

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  15. Great recap! Thank you for your sacrifices. F.Y.I. Red Solo cup and marker= instant engraved wine glasses.

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    Replies
    1. HAHAHAHA! Yes, I had some of those engraved treasures in college!

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  16. I'm thinking the ocean sounds the hotel television is emmy-worthy compared to Lifetime movie quality LOL!

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  17. Replies
    1. Haha she sums up in her expressions so much of what I feel watching this crap!

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