May 26, 2016

When Ratchets Attack, Or A Walmart Supercenter Story



As you all know, Military Husband and I moved. This, and a myriad of other reasons that derailed on the excuse train a month ago, is the reason why I have been absent from the blogging world. 

Moving is totally super fun. Every single day of the moving process had me pretty much like:


You know, the usual.

Our new home has hardwood and tile floors. Military Husband and I decided to buy rugs to make it easier for #MaddiethePug since her little legs give her trouble. Since we have not found an area rug we like, I thought I would check out Walmart for an inexpensive small rug. And that, my friends, is where this story begins.

You know, Walmart Supercenter, Land Of All That Is:


Folks, I already live in Hoodrat City. Thus, our Walmart Supercenter is always full of adventure. I have seen a woman in curlers changing her toddler's diaper on the floor of a food aisle, I have seen full on weave pulling fights in the parking lot and I have seen plenty of scary ass crack sticking out of tight spandex leggings.

And you wonder why I drink.

But, BUT, I still shop there willingly.

At Walmart, I found two inexpensive rugs I decided to purchase. Thus, I headed to the self checkout aisle. Now, I am not certain if you have any experience with the self checkout section of Walmart. Let's just say that when you choose to check out at one of these registers, well:


The machines consistently malfunction and are usually manned by a completely incompetent, pissed off at the world for not giving her free backstage passes to R Kelly's Black Panties Tour, Queen of The Ratchets. 

Yet, I STILL choose to use them.

I know, I KNOW.
I am a masochist. #moreissuesthanVogue

After I scanned one of the rugs, I accidentally pressed the void button on the machine. I am not even sure how this happened, but Ghettorella The Walmart Worker saw what happened and immediately stomped over with her cloven hooves to scold me.

Ghettorella The Walmart Worker: You done pressed the void button.

Me: I know. It was a mistake. I do not even know how it happened. I will re-scan my rug.

Ghettorella The Walmart Worker: Um. No girl. You done voided the area rug.

Me: Right, but I will scan the rug again.

Ghettorella The Walmart Worker:


I proceeded to scan the rug and all of my other items, and then paid for everything using my debit card. The entire time, Ghettorella was staring at me like:


Ghettorella The Walmart Worker: Let me see your receipt.

Me: Ok.

Ghettorella The Walmart Worker: Now, let me look through your purse.

Me: Huh?

Ghettorella The Walmart Worker: Let me see in your purse if you took another one of those rugs.

Friends, I currently carry a small crossbody purse that barely fits my wallet and keys. My purse is ONLY a little larger than my hand.

This is the rug in question I was supposed to be concealing in said purse:


How in the hell would I stuff that in my purse without someone noticing? I looked at Ghettorella and told her that I would not let her look through my purse. Instead, I suggested she find a manager and I would allow him or her to search me.

To that, she responded by storming off and telling her co-worker loudly:

Shit girl. She looked all suspicious and shit.

Right. You are SO correct. My goal in life is to thieve a $10 rug from the Walmart Supercenter. Next time, I will make sure to attempt to roll it up and put it in my ass so I can be even more suspect. 

And "shit."

What is wrong with people? Seriously, why do so many humans have Skittles for brains?


I cannot even anymore with the stupidity on this planet. 

And as for my local Walmart RachetCenter, well:


Have you ever had any crazy experience at Walmart? Have you ever seen anything ridiculous at Walmart? Let me know in the comments below!

I am just trying to roll back the prices through the hood because I am,





62 comments:

  1. When I first moved to Indy my phone number was one digit off from Walmart so I was ALWAYS getting calls. At first I was nice and redirected them. After about the 500th nitwit asking me if we were open AFTER I told them they mis-dialed, I just started to have fun with them. I'd be like "Congratulations you are our 1000th caller, you'be just won an all expense paid trip to Atlantis. . Please see your store manager for details" or "I'm sorry, we're closed, there was a Beriberi Outbreak in the product section." Fortunately the phone company took pity on me and changed my number.

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    1. LOL! Omg I would die. Walmart has really gotten bad. I'm not sure why I keep going in there!

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  2. My town is super ratchet. On any given day, there are generally more people at the store in pj's than clothes. That said, I try to avoid Wal Mart as much as possible. But sometimes a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. Just stop stuffing massive area rugs in your small crossbody, and nobody will get hurt :) - bahahahaha!

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    1. I know, everyone has curlers and pjs on in there! Ridiculous. Hahaha

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  3. Would you believe me if I told you that I have never, ever been inside a Walmart? I'm sure there was one when my parents lived in the DC burbs, but I somehow missed out on all this fabulousness. I am dying to go to one and experience all this, you MUST take me!!

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    1. Ok!!! They all have a nail place and some sort of fast food chain inside. Oh! And you can make copies of keys in there...you know, in case you stole a car and need to make a backup key for your homie.

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  4. Haha! And this is why I don't do Walmart. Ever.

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  5. Oh my gosh, I am laughing so hard right now! Our Walmart is so ghetto and one a daily basis I wonder how the workers are functioning with their skittles for brains lol.

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  6. Ha! Walmart always has adventures. I only go like once a month and it's always interesting. One time a man was talking to bread. I thought he had a bluetooth on and was speaking on the phone that way but no. Dude was just flat out talking to bread.

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  7. OMD, Ma just spit rootbeer outta her nose!!!! (okays, it was a margarita, butts let's just keep that between us gurls.....) Ma's never been to a big Walmart, butts we have a Neighborhood Market Place Walmart just down the street. It's not that bad, because it's just like a regular market with a few drugstore items. She did however see a dude with his pants down to his crack singing to the green peppers! oh, and there was that one time a worker was having an argument with herself...really...no earpiece...i wonder who won.....
    Anyhu...LOVES the rug!!!! TOTALLY worth it! hehehehe
    Kisses,
    Ruby ♥

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    1. We have those too! I love the neighborhood market. You can get all kinds of stuff there! Xxoo

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  8. Have I seen weird stuff at Walmart? Holy crap! I HATE going to Walmart with a passion. We just go to feel better about ourselves! LOL! If those greeters ask to see my receipt, I just keep walking. Ain't nobody got time for that. I have written so many letters to Walmart corporate headquarters through the years to vent about their stores. We finally have a Walmart Neighborhood store that is nice.

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    1. Yes, I totally like the Walmart Neighborhood Markets! They are nicer, cleaner and the employees don't seem pissed at the world. The Supercenter? Bah humbug!

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  9. I just spent the first night in my new house a few days ago. We're still not done moving yet

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    1. Argh!! It sucks! Hope you're settled in soon!

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  10. We don't escape the 'fun' of Walmart over here either-they bought out our Asda chain and I can see from your description what they are aiming for with their changes in store!
    Loves and licky kisses
    Princess Leah xxx

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  11. I feel that way when I go to our normal Walmart....something special (and super crazy) about that place that leaves me feeling way less classy after shopping there.

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    1. Yes!! You totally need a bath once you leave!

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  12. There are three options for Walmart near here, and I will not set foot in any of them except on Friday night or Saturday during the day. Want to trade? I'll take all of the ratchet. You can have the lovely folks of Kiryas Joel and Monsey, NY. Those poor women make me feel like I'm going to get pregnant just walking past them and their small armies of spawn.

    Ghettorella probably could conceal an area rug in a small purse.

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    1. That made me laugh out loud! She probably could!!

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  13. Oh yes Walmart - aka WallyWorld around here. We only go when we have to - we get some toiletries there but that is about it
    hugs
    Mr Bailey, Hazel & Mabel

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  14. LOL, that sounds crazy! Our self check out at walmart is only at the grocery only walmart, not the big one. But I do hate when I need help from the employees!

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    1. The self check out at the neighborhood one malfunctions too, but the employees are a lot friendlier at ours!

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  15. OH dear me I'm so sorry I'm rolling on the floor with tears in my eyes. I know what you mean..all the way to the local Walmart I'm in dread...I hate the parking lot..so much so that I've started parking at the garden center entrance. I purchase a couple of things from there often and about once a month other things. Garden center entrance is not clutter easy in carts available. Kitty litter and bird seed are my two absolutes. They are both near the Garden entrance where they also have a cashier...in out in 10 minutes. I don't recall the last time I went in the main entrance. AND I NEVER EVER NO NEVER go on the weekends.
    We are glad you are back and hope the settling in is going well
    Hugs to Maddie and Baby Belle
    Madi and mom

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    1. It is a mess!! Thank you! We are still getting everything situated!

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  16. Total ratchetfest here too...Except it's more of a redneck ratchetfest, which only adds six shooters into the mix ;-).

    Needless to say, I only enter our Walmart if abso necessary!!

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  17. Isn't moving FUN!?!? Hahahahaha! Sorry. Yeah. Totally understand.
    KZK

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  18. Oh. Wow. I do not even know what to say. Sometimes I think, are people really this stupid?? It's scary. You had a lot of patience. And it's a nice rug :)

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  19. I pretty much need that rug in my life. I'm jealous of your ghetto Wal-Mart :(

    Also never thought I'd ever type those words, haha! I'm glad you're back!

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    1. Lol it is nice!! But the Walmart?? Ugh it's so bad!!!

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  20. You've seen amazing things at your Walmart, I'm scared to go alone to the one nearest to me haha.

    God bless,

    XO, Claire

    Http://www.littlemissfashionqueen.com

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    1. Lol! Come visit me! I'll take you to mine! It will be an adventure!

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  21. I'm not exactly sure what 'ratchet' means (other than a tool I have in my shed). I think the translation might me 'chavvy'? Walmart own Asda which is probably the best comparison but seems a lot friendlier. We have 2 near us, one seems to have a greater concentration of shoppers in pajamas and onesies.

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    1. It's someone who is a little classless, a little trashy, a little ghetto so to speak! Lol

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  22. I love your fairy ratchet tales!!! At my Walmart I try to not look a the people around me. BAHAHA and I'm not kidding. Oh and there's one cashier who is a cross between a poster child for nutrient deficiency and meth and every damn time I am in her line she has to give me this ridiculous story about her 'fiancee' and how he is from Taiwan or wherever they make shoes and drag queens and how he is so amazing and almost 7 feet tall. Go on Alice keep playing with that rabbit...ya know?

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    1. Omg! You know she is smoking something. Crack is wack people!!

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  23. I live in metro Detroit and have never even witnesses a lady changing a baby's diaper in an aisle. However we both have horrible issues with lines for check out. Horrible having one aisle open, and everything malfunctions.
    That would have made my day as a Walmart experience.
    Some dude had a gun in a holster in Walmart one day. We're like uhh bro, can't do that.

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    1. Omg my city is more hood than Detroit! We've accomplished something! Lol, Watts, Compton we coming for ya!!

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  24. Ratchet, Ratchet, Ratchet, I love it!!! We have a super center a few miles down the highway and a market just in walking distance from my house so I don't get to the super center often. But living right by the beach, you should see all the happy little kiddos and parents buying the floating noodles and buckets and shovels and beer and chips and cokes and snacks and all sorts of things for the beach. Everybody is excited and in a good mood. It's a good thing, though. But not everybody is on vacation around here, so it can get on your nerves. Love your stories so much! Congrats on the move to the new house.

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    1. Hey doll!! So glad to "see" you here commenting! Ah the beach sounds so nice. Can you adopt me? I cook dinner, bake cookies, clean and only watch an annoying amount of Marvel and Lifetime movies!! Haha!! Thank you. The move was stressful but it feels good to be settled finally. Xxoo

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  25. Omg, I would have been like "hell no you can't look in my purse!" I get mad at the reciept checker at the door. I don't want to steal your stuff Walmart!

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    1. I know right?? I still can't believe she asked.

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  26. Skittles for brains.... hahah!! PS.... this is SO RANDOM! But if you need a fabulous area rug, check out Home Depot. We got our 8x10 there for $220, which is a good price for an 8x10. It's INSANELY soft, and I swear when I say every single person to ever walk on it has commented on it. It's crazy. If you are interested check out my living room page on my blog. It's amazing!

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    1. Omg, I totally will! Thanks girl. We are still on the hunt. I'll go to Home Depot tomorrow. xxxoo

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  27. I avoid Walmart like the plague. I go in there maybe twice a year. Both because of the workers, and the people who frequent there.

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  28. I don't have any Walmarts near where I live. I used to live close to one when I was in the midwest. Now I'm surrounded by Targets.
    In any case, I was recently on a cruise and that is like watching "People of Walmart" all day long.

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    1. Oh I bet! We have Target too, but I hardly ever go there. I am not a fan of their employees either.

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  29. Whenever possible, I try to go to a cashier vs self-checkout because of all the problems I get too!

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  30. This just makes me laugh, you should be a comedian.

    God bless,

    XO, Claire

    Http://www.littlemissfashionqueen.com


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    1. Oh I'm glad I make you giggle!! I'm so excited for you and your news!! Can't wait to see your baby!!

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  31. First mistake was stepping foot in Hellmart! I absolutely loathe that place and I would have gone straight up crazy on that woman LOL!

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