May 10, 2016

Well You Movin' On Up: Moving Guide For Ratchets



Military Husband and I recently moved. Not a "PCS" move mind you, but a TCH, also known as temporary change of house. No, that is not an official military term. I made that one up all by my lonesome. Because, you know, I can. 

I can do just about anything.

I am like Buffy, but funner.

Moving in has been filled with lots of surprises and stress. Notably, the previous tenant was NOT a homemaker. Actually, she was more like the filthiest little piggy in the sty. 

In Mili Wifey terms, the bitch was:


It is the story of my life. I live in Ratchetopia, land of the Ghetto Superstars.

Le (GIANT) Sigh.

Being that I have been the one cleaning up Miss Pigpen's filth, I formed my own list of tips for ratchets who might be on the move. That is just what I do - help wayward hoodrats find their way. 

It's a living, baby.

#thankmelater

Here is my Moving Guide For Ratchets.

1) Take Your Toys With Your Box

Look Ratchetella, I know, I KNOW you like to "get busy." But, BUT, I do not need to see the evidence of said behavior nor do I need to be handling any of the gadgets you use to do the freak nasty. While cleaning our home, I discovered some used condoms belonging to the previous tenant. Knowing that I had to dispose of these splooge balloons from hell I was all:


The trashcan, people. God invented it for a reason.

2) I Don't Want Your Cheesy Poofs, Cartman

It should be common sense to remove any food when you move. However, the modern Ratchet Queen thinks you should leave a little something something behind. Perhaps our former tenant thought we were hungry.

I mean, SUPER hungry like:


Because I found chewed gum in cabinets, sticky Skittles under the sink and other assortments of candy. It was like Willie Wonka and The Ghetto Factory. And, I found plenty of cheesy poofs. Cheesy poofs in the dishwasher, in drawers, in the washroom and even in the garage.


Look, just clean up your food or take it with you. I do not want roaches, and I MEAN the insect kind Puff the Magic Pothead, evicting us in the middle of the night.

3) Sweep Your Sty, Miss Piggy

When you move, could you be the tiniest bit considerate and clean your pen, Hograt? I went to a university known for its party atmosphere and I saw many a filthy room. However, I am quite certain the last tenant in our home is on the Top Ten Dirtiest Bitches On Earth list. Friends, I can deal with much, but one thing that makes your girl puke in her mouth is hair.

Hair, or ratchet weave, left anywhere in a bathroom and I am all:


If the hair was not bad enough, I also cleaned Numero 2 off the floor near the toilet. At this point, I wanted to find this ghetto ass biatch and beat her down.

As a matter of fact, if she ever runs across my blog and this post, well honey boo boo:


4) Febreeze is Your Friend

If you are dirty as a whore in church on a Sunday, you might realize that you and your stuff stinks. When I entered the master bedroom in our home, I smelled crotch rot.


Oh, you are not familiar with a crotch that hath rotteth? Imagine if you will an open case of spoiled tuna lying in the middle of a nightclub past 2 a.m. when the whiff of Usher cologne and B.O. is strong.

If you have the crotch rot, well:


Now, I am not here to judge you, but for the love of all of my senses, FUMIGATE your stank. I had to utilize Glade Plug Ins, candles, Lysol and Clorox to remove your decaying skank smell.

Now, I know some of you are thinking:

Told you, I am bougee.
#dealwithit

But, BUT, I am just trying to aid the helpless ratchets of the world. If you are moving out, please be considerate of others and take your hoodrat paraphernalia with you. Or just keep a clean, respectable home. Think of it this way - would you entertain R Kelly in that filth?


Nevermind.

Have you ever moved into a home/apartment that was filthy? Have you ever found anything disgusting the last tenant left behind? Let me know in the comments below!

Moving is always super fun because I am,


82 comments:

  1. I'm not big on moving, I hate it...haha!

    God bless,

    XO, Claire

    Http://www.littlemissfashionqueen.com

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  2. OMD! SHE thought SHE'd win Worst Housekeeper this morning when SHE pulled out the stove and fridge and cleaned behind and under those.......but we're NOT in that league. Hope you had some barf bags handy!

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    1. Lol!! Totally!
      And she definitely is not. That's normal! This chick that lived here was disgusting!!

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  3. Well, we found all kinds of interesting stuff behind a fridge when we wuz helpin' Whitley's Momma move out... a jar of noodles, various kitchen utensils, all kinds of stuff... you'd think they would have noticed that they were missing but the landlady said they were pigs...

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    1. Lol! Piggys are everywhere!!

      PS Hope Whitley's mom is doing ok. Been thinking about her. Xxoo

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    2. Momma says at least dere wuzn't used condoms. MOL!

      And momma are doin ok. Sad, but ok.

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    3. Big hugs to your mom! If there's anything we can do, let us know!! Xxoo

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  4. I'm suppose to close on my first house on Thursday. I really hope I don't have surprises like that when I move.

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    1. I hope it goes smoothly!! First house? That's awesome!! Happy for you. Xxoo

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  5. Oh man, that sounds terrifying. I've never moved in anywhere gross but I did once share an apartment in college with the dirtiest person in the world. It was gross.

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  6. BAAHAHHHHA I am in tears!! This is the funniest shit ever!! Well, I'm sorry that you had to go through this!!

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    1. I know!! At least I can laugh...for now.

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  7. Oh my gosh I laughed out loud at this! In our old house, our neighbors would constantly be doing questionable activities outdoors and we would see condoms by our mailbox. GROSS!

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  8. Ugh! I had cleaning up a new place. My next move will be to a new house! Hahahaha.

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  9. My peeps haf complete sympathy wiv you…they went through the moving thingy several times in the services and every time moved into a filthy house. How can that happen when you get charged on March Out for every thingy wrong?
    Loves and licky kisses
    Princess Leah xxx

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  10. OH MY CATS and PUGS....wow that must have been a mess. I HOPE the former dirty tenant did not receive their security deposit back. I have been married 46 years. Our first home was an apartment.
    Not brand new but only a few years old...in the dark ages there were not many apartment complexes here. After a few years we moved into our first home which was new, then 10 years later to this home which was new...BUT THERE WERE ISSUES. It was 1,000 degrees the day we moved here. After all the furniture was here. We turned on the a/c to find out it was wired incorrectly MORE HEAT CAME OUT OF THE REGISTERS. Then I tried to use the stove the next morning GUESS what no power to the stove. We were told stoves did not come with what is called a piggie tail cable that goes to the wall. But all ended well we have been here nearly 34 years
    Hugs Mom of Madi!!

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    1. Well that makes me feel better! At least I'm not the only one. We've had problems too. From ac to plumbing. It stinks!!

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  11. You'd think the owner would clean it up...ugh!

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  12. OMD what a MESS... Fabreeze is your new best furend. Cheesey Poofs??? We love those...

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    Replies
    1. I do too. But not the "used" kind lol.

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  13. I can't even imagine how gross it was, yuck. What assholes.

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  14. That's why they'll have to use dynamite to make me leave my house. It isn't that i'm a clean freak, but it's our familiar dirt.

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  15. I would have said no at the first thing you found in that hole. Oh my gah, nasty.

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  16. I moved 6 times in a 5 year span. I have seen some scary crap. Never used condoms though.

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    1. Girl, I hadn't either. And I've moved quite a few times too.

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  17. Oh MY God! you would think the landlord or whoever would have cleaned before new tenants moved in
    how disgusting
    hugs
    Mr Bailey, Hazel & MAbel

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  18. O...M...G....Now I remember one of the BIGGEST things I do NOT miss about renting!!
    I also forgot just how funny you are!! Thanks for the giggles!!

    OH...and I am in C.A. Civil War LOVE!! Best. Marvel.ToDate!!

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    Replies
    1. I know. Renting is horrible!!
      Yay for Civil War though!!

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  19. bahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa..............stella rsoe

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    1. Lol. It made me laugh too even though it is all a HOT mess. xxxoo

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  20. Oh friend! That sounds like the WORST!! I would have hired a cleaner from Craigslist to "pre- clean" lol! Thinking of you! Xxoo

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    1. LOL! I seriously thought of hiring a cleaner a million times. But I would be so mad at myself for not doing it...just feel like a POS sitting here watching a maid clean the house. Haha. xxoo

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  21. Eek! And WTH? Used condoms? I'd throw up. Seriously.

    Crotch rot. LOL! I have not heard that term before but I love it.

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    1. I'm pretty sure my mom taught me that term/invented that term. Lol! It's such a great one. Feel free to use it when necessary! xxoo

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  22. Yikes. And this is why I never want to move again. It sounds horrible - WHAT is wrong with people?

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    1. I wonder that all the time. People are crazy! Makes me feel sane lol.

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  23. OMG...eeeeewwwwwww!! But as always you make me laugh lady!! Good luck!!

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  24. It's always amazing to me how gross people can be!! Like, how can you ignore that kind of filth? How can you live in it?? Mind-boggling.
    -Kristen
    www.pugsandpearls.com

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  25. I LOVE your ratchet posts! This one has some great nuggets of wisdom in it.."ratchetopia".....hahahaha!

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  26. When we first moved to NJ, we rented a house from the synagogue we were going to. It was the money pit though. So disgusting! There was a sewage problem and the stench would come up through the garbage disposal. Combine that with the early stages of pregnancy and it was not fun. The basement also flooded big time when it rained.

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    1. Omg!! I really appreciate hearing yours and others stories!! It makes me feel better to know I'm not alone. Lol. It's getting better here tho. We are settling in despite some major plumbing issues.

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  27. That's fun to read. But also, informative and helpful.
    I've moved so much in the past years and I have experiences with housemates and the house itself worth a blog.

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    1. Oh I can imagine!! I've never had a roommate other than Military Husband. I would kill someone!! Lol

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  28. I totally think I just peed on myself---hilarious!!! My how I've missed reading your blog--now I'm going to catch up :) Have a great weekend!

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  29. What is wrong with some people!! They.are.gross.

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  30. Eek! Sounds like that tenant is the best of the worst.

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  31. Wow just wow :/ I would have turned around and been like NOPE we are not living here LOL ;) LOL I hope you don't have to stay there too long.

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  32. HA, every single apartment/house I've moved into was in need of being cleaned. Yes, I am neat freak, but seriously, I wonder what a cleaning crew gets paid for. I haven't experienced anything as nasty as what you did, and am not sure how I would react if I ever did!!! Sudden coma, potentially...

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    1. I don't know if you have ever seen anything on the cleanup crews for a "Death House" is like (where someone is murdered and it has to be cleaned), but cleaning this place was similar. HAHAHA. We've still got some painting to finish and I can happily say I tamed the wild beasts that were the bushes out front yesterday! We are making it work!

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  33. I had a apartment for two years while I commuted after selling my house and getting married, until I could get a transfer at my pay grade to the city my husband lived in. The apartment was really nice (should be for what was equal to a house payment) but then I got the neighbors from hell. They were upstairs and had two out of control kids that ran and jumped off the couch as late as midnight. It sounded like hammers on the ceiling. Nonstop. That was when they weren't screaming up and down the staircase that was behind my living room wall. They also would do their laundry at 11 pm after being home all day on the weekend which sounded like it was in the room with me. There was no insulation (yes, you have granite counter tops and spectacular landscaping for prospective tenants, but we saved that by not insulating the place). I tried to be nice, talked to them about it, and they just nodded and kept it up. It got so bad, I moved, even though I was transferring in six months. I cleaned the place so well you could perform surgery in it. Then I proceeded to buy the BIGGEST and LOUDEST battery powered alarm clock, setting it for 3 a.m. and taping it to the front wall of a closet directly under their bedroom. You could NOT see the alarm from outside of the closet. I then happily left. I had two months left on my lease, so I just buttoned it up, returning the key only when my lease was up paying double rent and happily toasting myself with a martini in the new, quiet place with cement between the floors. The clock probably is still there, but I bet the battery lasted at least a few weeks.

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    1. I've been there! I had horrible neighbors in my first apt. Will never do an apt again! Luckily, our neighbors are all really nice and older. It's very quiet here!

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  34. OMD, Ma just threw up in her mouth like 87 times!!!! OMD! OMG!!! Oh wait...I thinks that was Ma's roommate from the 90's! So, THAT'S where she ended up!!! I always wondered.....
    Seriously, Ma's roommate was just like that! Let's just say, Ma tried to spend as little time there as possible! And always had Lysol and sanitizer on hand! Luckily, there were two bathrooms, or Ma wouldn't have made it a week!
    Ma needs to take a shower now...maybe three....flashbacks...thank you very much...☺
    Kisses,
    Ruby ♥

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    1. Lmfao!!! I refused to have a roommate in college. Oh hell to the NO. I would have killed. I'm an only child and a Virgo. No dirty messes and no touching my stuff!! Hahahaha

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  35. I used to work in a maid service cleaning out apartments after tenants left. Found some alphabet magnets under a fridge. Coloring on the doors and walls was always my biggest issue. Wherever you moved in did indeed once house some ratchet tenant!
    Cheese puffs, smells like whore sex, and free old candy? Ewwww.
    Congrats on the new home though! It'll be comfortable for y'all soon.

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    1. Oh yeah coloring on the walls. We had that too! The magic eraser is a lifesaver! Thanks girl!

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  36. Lol! Omg that's about as nasty as it gets. Sorry for your ordeal!

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  37. Other people's hair is awful.

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  38. Oh no, condoms!!! Trashcan people, seriously. It's not that hard. Thankfully we haven't come across anything worth mentioning from previous tenants.

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