Military Husband and I recently moved. Not a "PCS" move mind you, but a TCH, also known as temporary change of house. No, that is not an official military term. I made that one up all by my lonesome. Because, you know, I can.
I can do just about anything.
I am like Buffy, but funner.
Moving in has been filled with lots of surprises and stress. Notably, the previous tenant was NOT a homemaker. Actually, she was more like the filthiest little piggy in the sty.
In Mili Wifey terms, the bitch was:
It is the story of my life. I live in Ratchetopia, land of the Ghetto Superstars.
Le (GIANT) Sigh.
Being that I have been the one cleaning up Miss Pigpen's filth, I formed my own list of tips for ratchets who might be on the move. That is just what I do - help wayward hoodrats find their way.
It's a living, baby.
Here is my Moving Guide For Ratchets.
1) Take Your Toys With Your Box
Look Ratchetella, I know, I KNOW you like to "get busy." But, BUT, I do not need to see the evidence of said behavior nor do I need to be handling any of the gadgets you use to do the freak nasty. While cleaning our home, I discovered some used condoms belonging to the previous tenant. Knowing that I had to dispose of these splooge balloons from hell I was all:
The trashcan, people. God invented it for a reason.
2) I Don't Want Your Cheesy Poofs, Cartman
It should be common sense to remove any food when you move. However, the modern Ratchet Queen thinks you should leave a little something something behind. Perhaps our former tenant thought we were hungry.
I mean, SUPER hungry like:
Because I found chewed gum in cabinets, sticky Skittles under the sink and other assortments of candy. It was like Willie Wonka and The Ghetto Factory. And, I found plenty of cheesy poofs. Cheesy poofs in the dishwasher, in drawers, in the washroom and even in the garage.
Look, just clean up your food or take it with you. I do not want roaches, and I MEAN the insect kind Puff the Magic Pothead, evicting us in the middle of the night.
3) Sweep Your Sty, Miss Piggy
When you move, could you be the tiniest bit considerate and clean your pen, Hograt? I went to a university known for its party atmosphere and I saw many a filthy room. However, I am quite certain the last tenant in our home is on the Top Ten Dirtiest Bitches On Earth list. Friends, I can deal with much, but one thing that makes your girl puke in her mouth is hair.
Hair, or ratchet weave, left anywhere in a bathroom and I am all:
If the hair was not bad enough, I also cleaned Numero 2 off the floor near the toilet. At this point, I wanted to find this ghetto ass biatch and beat her down.
As a matter of fact, if she ever runs across my blog and this post, well honey boo boo:
4) Febreeze is Your Friend
If you are dirty as a whore in church on a Sunday, you might realize that you and your stuff stinks. When I entered the master bedroom in our home, I smelled crotch rot.
Oh, you are not familiar with a crotch that hath rotteth? Imagine if you will an open case of spoiled tuna lying in the middle of a nightclub past 2 a.m. when the whiff of Usher cologne and B.O. is strong.
If you have the crotch rot, well:
Now, I am not here to judge you, but for the love of all of my senses, FUMIGATE your stank. I had to utilize Glade Plug Ins, candles, Lysol and Clorox to remove your decaying skank smell.
Now, I know some of you are thinking:
Told you, I am bougee.
But, BUT, I am just trying to aid the helpless ratchets of the world. If you are moving out, please be considerate of others and take your hoodrat paraphernalia with you. Or just keep a clean, respectable home. Think of it this way - would you entertain R Kelly in that filth?
Have you ever moved into a home/apartment that was filthy? Have you ever found anything disgusting the last tenant left behind? Let me know in the comments below!
Moving is always super fun because I am,