May 29, 2016

Lifetime Movie Network Recap: The Maid



Folks, there is no nice way to word what is on my mind. Lifetime is totally fucking with yours truly.

Sorry Cap. 
#butthefuckeryisreal

I am not sure if the executives at Lifetime are simply angry with my "assuming the Lifetime position" references, sick of my disdain for the Lifetime Police Department or fed up with my pandering to the Lifetime "ewww" factor (i.e., Grandpappy's playing hide the polish sausage in the rye bread with teenage babysitting hookers). 

But, BUT, Saturday night's Lifetime movie "The Maid" was really just some, well:


Lifetime, you have gone and pissed me off. You know Samuel L. Jackson's famous Ezekiel speech in Pulp Fiction? Well, I have been waiting over twenty years to use that monologue and this situation seems MORE than appropriate.

The path of a righteous Lifetime recapper, indeed.

But truly, I digress.

As always, I like to give a plot roundup for those of you who eat the malted balls before the chocolate. If that is you, you are strange indeed, or you are Chef from Southpark. 

Basically, "The Maid" is like:


Meets this:


You know what I loved about DePalma's Carrie? She had no fucks to give when it came to high school assholes. On the other hand, at the finale of Mean Girls, Lindsay Lohan was still a firecrotch and no one really scolded Regina George for being a nasty bitch. 

And that, my friends, is basically the conclusion of "The Maid."

Right. But there is more. #somuchmore

We open "The Maid" with comic book superhero drawings over the credits. This seems promising! I had to check my television guide because I so often see:


On my television. At least 15-20 times daily. #Marvelthon

Then, we meet our protagonist, the cliche' popular blonde sorority girl named Laura. She is angry that her ex-boyfriend Ben put photos of her in sexy lingerie (that she posed for, mind you) all over campus with the tagline "Adopt Your Own Slutty Kitty!" Laura is also bummed because her father is marrying a younger woman. Not to mention, one of the new pledges slept with Laura's ex-boyfriend. And, you guys, EVERYONE is going to Daytona to party for Spring Break except Laura.

The struggle bus. 
Every privileged kid in America has taken a ride.
#firstworldproblems

Laura goes home for Spring Break and meets her father's new maid, Colleen. Colleen tells Laura that her son died in a mysterious car accident. The next day, Laura's dad and fiancee' marry. Matthew, Laura's high school boyfriend, is at the wedding and he and Laura rekindle their romance. Colleen seems furious and secretly changes Laura's computer password. We then flashback in the past and meet Colleen's son, Craig. Surprise, Craig has a date with Laura one Saturday night! Lifetime makes sure to amplify Craig's personality as a huge loser who only cares about comic books.

Because there is nothing sexy about comic books.


Tell me that part again, Lifetime, about how comic books are not even the slightest bit interesting?

Go on. I am waiting.

At this point, Lifetime has become more than a mosquito buzzing in my ear. I have not been this ready to Hulk Smash something since Sony Pictures decided to make Electro a mentally challenged man in The Amazing Spiderman 2.


Hey, Lifetime. You are really starting to piss me off.

As the movie progresses Colleen steals Laura's dog Frisco and sends the pictures of Laura in sexy lingerie to Laura's dad. Oh noes, Colleen has been the one stalking and terrorizing Laura at college! But why? We flashback in the past again and see Colleen eating lunch with Craig. She tells Craig she likes his comic book drawings. One day, Craig become angry with Laura and soon after, Craig killed himself.

I know, I KNOW. Laura is so pretty and blonde and popular. What could she have done to make that loser comic book loving Craig end his life?


One afternoon, Colleen gives Laura some coffee laced with drugs. Laura drinks the concoction and passes out cold. When she wakes, Laura is handcuffed. Colleen tells Laura that she agreed to go on a date with Craig. She has Laura read Craig's journal. Craig waited all evening for Laura to show up for their date. When she did not, Craig returned home and committed suicide. Laura tells Colleen that she never agreed to a date. She tells Colleen that Craig was delusional. She only had lunch with him a few times to be nice because he was such a geeky comic book loser that everyone hated.

I mean, really, what was Craig's problem?


Meanwhile, Matthew starts looking for Laura. We flashback to a day Matthew was hanging out with Craig. Craig was showing Matthew his comic books and, of course, Matthew looked as if he would rather pick up parrot feces with his teeth than hang out with Craig.

Yup. Comic books are for lames. No comic book heroes have any attributes like:


Lifetime, you could be the next Captain Asshole. #justsaying

Anyhoo, Matthew remembers meeting Craig's mom. DING DING DING! Craig's mom is Colleen, the maid! Matthew heads to Colleen's house to save Laura. Instead, Colleen attacks Matthew. She then threatens Laura with a gun, but Laura stabs Colleen with a piece of broken glass. They struggle and Laura grabs the gun. Laura finds Matthew. She and Matthew run back to Colleen. Laura gives Colleen a little song and dance about how she "really does not want to shoot her" because ugh, icky blood and guts and stuff.

That totally would ruin her outfit.


Nevertheless, she shoots Colleen anyway.

Three months later in Lifetime land, Laura is dating Matthew, Frisco the dog is safe and sound and everything is fantastic in Laura's sorority-ho world. Colleen is in jail and Craig is still dead. The Lifetime writers are pretty much all take that, you comic book loving geeks.

And I am like, for real? Is there something going on I do not know about over at Lifetime studios?


But really, though. This movie was a total farce. A sham. A complete waste of my television space. Not to mention, highly offensive.

You know what Lifetime:


That was one for all of us loser, geeky, comic book loving fans out there you just pissed off. I mean, really Lifetime?


Oh that is right, your movies are those filled with witty repertoire and educational banter. "Dirty Teacher" and "Sugardaddies" are surely up for Golden Globes.

/rantoff

Anddddddddddd roll credits.

Did you watch Lifetime's "The Maid"? Can you believe Lifetime is still stereotyping "geeks" and "losers" as people who enjoy comic books? Let me know your thoughts in the comments below!

Lifetime is a bitch, but so am I because I am,






36 comments:

  1. Umm. Ok. I don't think I've had enough sleep and coffee to comprehend what just happened.

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  2. Once again...I have no idea how you do it, I can't remember the last time I watched Lifetime. I do love reading your reviews tho, especially when I get to see Lafayette, Buffy AND Marvel gifs all in one sitting!!

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    1. Right? That's like a trifecta of awesome!

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  3. I think of you whenever I pass by the Lifetime channel on Saturday nights! Thanks for always giving the reviews so we don't have to watch them!!!

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    1. Oh I'm so glad I'm associated with the channel! It shall go on my tomb "here lies the woman that suffered 1,000,000 nights of Lifetime!" Lol. Happy Memorial Day!! Xxoo

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  4. I really feel like I want to watch these movies afte having read your take on them.

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  5. I don't think I could watch this. Ever. If I put something like this on, my husband would be all, "WTF?" He already says that for most of what I watch though.

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  6. Well....I'm sure glads I didn't see that one!! Though, seeing Peggy bummed me out more, because it reminded me that her show got cancelled...sniff, sniff. AND, waits! No SUPERNATURAL gifs??? Ma was bummed, butts I guess we can't have SUPERNATURAL every week, can we??! BOL!!!
    Thanks for watching, so we don't have to! ☺
    Kisses,
    Ruby ♥

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  7. They are sinking to new lows!

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  8. The lesson for the day Lifetime is never piss off a comic book geek! LOL!

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  9. OH MW!!
    You are royally PO'd...maybe they will get the message. I gave up watching lifetime movies years ago...every now and then I'll check the TV guide listing. Last time I checked they had
    E Roberts guy in a movie. I cannot watch him in any shape form or fashion.
    Hugs madi and mom

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  10. Okay- I need to see this movie. Now that I've realized that you can find these on YouTube, it's a whole new world! Your recaps are so funny.

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    1. Omg yes and they have the oldies on YouTube! Look for one called Twisted Desire with Melissa Joan Hart. It's one of my faves!!

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  11. I saw a Liftime movie listed and was thinking I should watch it but then said no way because I love your recaps!!

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  12. Honestly, your relationship with Lifetime is my very favorite!

    God bless,

    XO, Claire

    Http://www.littlemissfashionqueen.com

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  13. Hahaha I tried to watch this and it was such a mess.

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  14. As always, your recap cracks me up. Who needs Netflix when I have you? Love it!

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  15. I laughed so hard at ''Lifetime is a bitch, but so am I.'' You are seriously a comedian!

    God bless,

    XO, Claire

    Http://www.littlemissfashionqueen.com

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  16. Well. After reading this recap, I realized I need to hire a maid because my house is a mess. But not a maid like Colleen. Obviously.

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    Replies
    1. I would totally clean your house for you if I lived nearby! You deserve a break! Xxoo

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    2. Girl, if you lived nearby, we could drink all the wine! And go eat ratchet cookies at the mall!!!

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    3. I wish! Move closer to me asap!!

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  17. LOL they just don't know who they are dealing with. Give them hell ;) Also that story line had me like huh, what, um okay.... They were all over the place I don't know how you watched it.

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