May 15, 2016

Lifetime Movie Network Recap: I Didn't Kill My Sister



If you read my last post Well You Movin' On Up: Moving Guide For Ratchets, you know that Military Husband and I moved. Not only have we been busy with said move, but I have been adjusting to making the big switch to Direct TV.

The DVR features and channel numbers are different and I have to search for my movies and um, uh:


Any excuse to run away from the albatross that is Lifetime.

Needless to say, I am finally back recapping Lifetime's Saturday Night Film O'Hell. This weekend's contagious disease  masterpiece was titled "I Didn't Kill My Sister."


That is EXACTLY the position I assume when watching these flying donkey turds. Except I am more like:

Lifetime, you owe me a stint at Malibu's Promises. 

"I Didn't Kill My Sister" stars Nicolle Tom as Heather Pearson. You might remember Nicholle from the television show The Nanny.



Now she looks like this:

She looks elated to be on the Lifetime roster.
#killmenowlook

As an aside, was I the only person in the world who despised The Nanny? Fran Drescher is SUPER annoying. She and Kristen Chenoweth must be who you encounter in one of Dante's levels of hell. They surround you in a cramped closet irritating the ever loving fuck out of you while Nickelback plays in the background.

Try not to have nightmares. #bloodyhell

But truly, I digress.

"I Didn't Kill My Sister" begins with Carmen Campbell, a news anchor, choking on a glass of wine, being drug by the hair to a swimming pool and ending up:

Assuming The Lifetime Position.

Lucky gal. Me, on the other hand, have two hours and two minutes of this floating turd to digest.

The excuse train has derailed.
#suckitupMiliWifey

We then move backward in Lifetime Land to two days prior. Carmen and her husband and co-anchor, Mason, are divorcing and fighting for custody of their teenage daughter, Brooke. Carmen's sister, Heather Pearson, is Carmen's personal assistant. After work, Heather finds Brooke at her house. Brooke is your typical Lifetime Teen, aka a Little Asshole. She hates her mom, their new home, their pool and the world.

Note to self: Send all my blog friends with teenagers a wine box.

The next day, Heather drives Brooke home. Carmen and Brooke argue and then, Carmen and Heather argue.

Yup, Carmen is a real bitch.

Or in this case, bitches assume The Lifetime Position.

Heather leaves and meets Mason for a walk. Mason is flirty with Heather and kisses her. Heather awkwardly leaves and returns to Carmen's house where she finds Carmen assuming The Lifetime Position in the pool.

Cue the Lifetime Police Department.

Why do we even call them anymore?
#worstcopsever

Which means the village idiots have arrived.

Detective Crews asks where Heather and Mason were when Carmen died. Of course, both of them were home alone and neither have an alibi. Later that afternoon, Heather returns to work and is furious Lois Summer has taken over Carmen's anchor position. Lois interviews Mason and Carmen's divorce attorney Sandra on air and we learn that Carmen was in the process of updating her will. Because it was never completed, Mason inherits everything. DING DING DING. We have motive, people. Mason is TOTALLY the killer.

But, BUT, Detective Crews has decided to make Heather the main suspect in the case.

Oh Detective Crews:


Since Sandra is representing Mason in the "Who Killed Carmen Sandiego" case, Heather needs to find an attorney of her own. Sandra suggests Heather hire Wayne Hamilton. Heather calls him and Hamilton arrives at her house looking like a 1970s porn star.

Hamilton thinks he is at an audition for Deep Throat Disco.

Heather hires Hamilton and Hamilton sneaks around Carmen's house looking for evidence. Suddenly, someone hits Hamilton with a trophy and Hamilton assumes The Lifetime Position. The Lifetime Police arrive at Heather's house with a search warrant. Surprise! The trophy that killed Hamilton is covered in Heather's fingerprints.

And Heather tells Detective Crews:

I DIDN'T KILL MY SISTER.


Oh Lifetime, you clever beast you.

We then learn that Carmen drank wine that was laced with Xanax and died. The Xanax was from a prescription Heather picked up at the pharmacy. Later that evening, Heather and Mason talk. Mason tells her that he found clothes in Brooke's room that smelled like chlorine. He believes Brooke killed Carmen. After Heather leaves, Mason, with an evil smirk on his face, calls someone to tell them the plan is working.

Commercial time! There is only forty-five minutes before the finale of this projectile puke and this conversation occurs:

Military Husband: This is the worst one you've done in awhile. Just awful.

Me:

LifeWine: Extra strong ripple to combat the Lifetime cheese.
Coming soon to a Target near you.

The next day, Heather talks to Brooke. Brooke tells Heather she would never kill her mom. Meanwhile, at the police station, Sandra and Mason are pinning Carmen's death on Heather. Detective Crews heads to Heather's home and Heather hides. Out of nowhere, Heather finds a 6 month sobriety chip that belonged to Carmen. She goes to a local Narcotics Anonymous meeting and learns from Seth, the group leader, that Carmen had a prescription drug problem. Seth also asks Heather if Carmen ever fired Sandra. Sandra was stalling on changing Heather's will. DING DING DING. Sandra is involved!

Cue Sandra rolling around with Mason on Carmen's bed playing hide the pepperoni in the hoagie. Sandra quickly tells Mason that Heather needs to die.

And I am like:

If you kill Heather then who will take the blame for killing Carmen? 
#thewriterisoncrack #andcrackiswack

Because of course she is, Heather is listening outside the window. She pulls out her handy Go Pro camera and films Mason agreeing to kill Heather. Heather calls Detective Crews and tells her to watch the news. That evening, Mason goes on air to present a special tribute to Carmen. Instead, Heather hijacks the station camera feed with her own story. She tells everyone that Mason and Sandra have been carrying on an affair for years. Sandra wanted Carmen dead so she could have Mason to herself. Mason wanted Carmen dead because he needed her money to pay off gambling debts. Suddenly, Mason and Sandra run around the station looking for Heather. Sandra finds Heather and attempts to kill her with a pair of scissors. However, in the nick of time, Detective Crews arrives and arrests Sandra and Mason.

And I am like, wait, what? Carmen and Mason were divorcing. Sandra could have Mason without committing a felony. And was she really going to kill Heather with scissors? With everyone at the news station hovering around?

Oh. That is right. This is Lifetime. And I am supposed to suspend all belief in plausible logistics.

Well, you know what Lifetime:

Washing my hands of your nonsensical plots, sub-plots and sub-sub plots.

Anyhoo, we flash forward to three months later. Heather is the news anchor at the station and has her own show, The Pearson Report. Her first guest? Seth, the leader of the Narcotics Anonymous group! And Military Husband is all:


Funny to him, but to me, this movie was like receiving a raging case of hemorrhoids via our satellite dish.

Anddddddd roll credits.

Did you watch "I Didn't Kill My Sister"? Have you missed my Lifetime recaps? Did you think the writing in this movie was all over the place? Let me know in the comments below.

Lifetime is back in my life. Cue the flowing liquor to my liver because I am,


55 comments:

  1. I have sooo missed the giggles I get reading your weekly torture sessions!!

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  2. OMD, I saw this on my TIVO guide and said to Ma...'why watch it, MW will give us a recap!!', which she said, THANK GOD! I just knows this is a flaming pile of turkey poops! Yeah, she's rarely wrong abouts this stuffs! BOL!
    I missed your postie abouts the move!!! OMD, I'm going to read it nows!
    Kisses,
    Ruby ♥

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    1. Oh yes! Don't watch. I'm suffering for you!! Lol. Yes, we made a mini move before the big state hopping move. Now we are in the country! Lots of horses and bugs and rednecks! Lmao

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  3. I also didn't like the Nanny, but I also have never seen Seinfeld. Watching Deadpool tonight...is that Marvel?

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    1. Deadpool is a Marvel character, but the movie was made by 20th Century Fox not Marvel Studios. Without boring you with details, the movie isn't in the same continuum universe that Marvel films are so its a little different.
      As an aside, I've heard great things about this film and Ryan Reynolds is a huge comic book geek. Let me know what you thought!

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  4. Good morning....I loved the Golden Girls back in the day now I'm one. LOL LOL but I guess a more appropriate name would be the Gray Girls. I hope you, Military hubby, Maddie and Baby Belle are settling in to your new digs!!
    Hugs Madi's Mom

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    1. Haha! I love that show too.
      Thanks!! xxoo

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  5. Hahaha I seriously love your recaps, best part of my week!

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    1. Aw thank you! I'm so glad it makes you laugh! Xxoo

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  6. We need to organize a massive takeover of the Lifetime Movie Makers and start turning more V. C. Andrews novels into cinematic masterpieces.

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    1. The VC Andrews Lifetime movies were some of the few I could actually stomach and actually liked.

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    2. I'm going to visit Crane Mansion this spring where Flowers in the Attic the movie was filmed!! It's 40 mins from me!! Ahaha

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    3. Ohhh, nice! Hope you take lots of pictures and blog about it~

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  7. Bloody hell, just found that channel on the Sky EPG. Never seen so much drivel. Think I'll stay with the BBC. :S

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  8. I miss my DVR! I miss my TV. We're stuck with a hotel TV. But if I tried to put on a Lifetime movie, my husband would say no way. We have to share the one TV in the hotel :/

    And I never liked The Nanny.

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    1. Omg I totally feel your pain!! That's got to suck! Not much longer tho!
      I'm so glad...I thought everyone but me liked that show. I thought it sucked!

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  9. Lol, this is perfect. Insert different characters, different settings and this is just about every lifetime movie I've ever seen!

    Laura
    www.blackcoffeebeautiful.com

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  10. Love your recaps! The movie title alone was about unoriginal as it gets.

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    1. Wait until this Saturday. The title is super dumb. I'm already dreading it!! Lol

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  11. I used to be the BIGGEST fan of Lifetime movies (literally for years and years), but I stopped watching for some reason... probably because my husband always made fun of me (and them) because they always revolved around somebody killing somebody. I like that kind of drama though, so I need to plug back in! Your recaps are a riot!

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    1. Thank you!! The movies are SO stupid now. I liked the old ones from the 90s-early 2000s.

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  12. Oh my gosh, yes to Fran and Kristin. I can not hear them on tv. I am like, shut up!!

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    1. I know right? They are both so over the top it's downright annoying af!!

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  13. Your love hate relationship with Lifetime makes for some funny writing. I love it!

    God bless,

    XO, Claire

    Http://www.littlemissfashionqueen.com

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  14. Another Lifetime masterpiece!! They're so great, love them!!! Can't wait for the next one, I'm counting down the days!!

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  15. Bow wow! My name is Christmas and I am a 2 year old Dachshund running for da mayor of Blogville! My momma donates to doggy rescues every time someone joins our blog www.pawprovince.com so do you think you could give us a follow? Thanks!

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  16. Yay - I've missed your recaps! Hilarious and spot on as usual. I couldn't agree more about the Nanny.

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    1. Awful show! I don't know why so many people loved it. My mom thought it was great. Haha

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  17. Lol! This whole plot makes no sense! Lifetime, you cray.

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  18. lololololol, how are you so good at these??!?!?!

    In other news, I only know Nicolle Tom from Beethoven! Duh! :)

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  19. BEST RECAP EVER!!!! OK, so let's be real here...I also get sucked into the Lifetime circuit from time to time too, usually when I'm feeling depressed or lonely and need to be reminded that I could have a mother like Judith Light or Meredith Baxter Burney all up in my business or a husband that beats me and I have to run away with my child to BFE to get away from him only for him to find me after I have fallen in love with my new boyfriend who defends my honor when my abuser tries to force me into his El Camino. OK but in all seriousness, I actually recorded this on my DVR and totally glad I didn't sit through watching it yet because it wouldn't have been nearly as good as reading your recap. Cheers!!!

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    1. Yes, go ahead and delete that one!! lol

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  20. I cannot tell you how badly I have missed your recaps. I actually almost watched a Lifetime movie last weekend if that give you a clue! LOL!

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    1. Aw!! I'm so sorry I've been mia everywhere. There has just been no time since we moved. We are in an older home and had to do a lot to make the place cute! Haha. It's finally getting finished. I'll be back commenting and posting more soon. I miss my blog and everyone!!

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  21. Another great recap of a crappy movie! We moved and getting Comcast set up was an ordeal. They tried to make it take three weeks but my husband is pretty good at the "Oh NO, you aren't!" game! I had Dish a while ago...it was great except when some of their channels go on strike because the dish companies don't just agree to raise their rates at networks' whims, as I guess Comcast does! So you'll have to go three months without ESPN or whatever until they work out whatever their issues are.

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    1. Our other option is Suddenlink and they are horrible!! We lost a bunch of channels with them because they wouldn't negotiate. I hate them!!!

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  22. I passed this movie on Lifetime as I was browsing my guide option and laughed thinking of your review!

    God bless,

    XO, Claire

    Http://www.littlemissfashionqueen.com

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  23. I think I'm going to need to prepare myself before I watch this. :P

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  24. The Fran Drescher and Kristen Chenoweth reference had me cracking up! Oh and I am a blogger with a teenager send me wine please LOL ;)

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  25. Lol, you know they now have a movie out called "Mommy, I Didn't Do it"? Lifetime titles are so closely named, it's hard to tell the difference!

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    1. Also, unhappily watching this movie with my mom now >.< Thank god, I found your recap so I don't actually have to pay attention!

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    2. Oh no girl!! Abort abort!! Lol!!

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    3. Haha, no worries! I barely watched it. I already knew what would happened because of your awesome recap!

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