April 10, 2016

Lifetime Movie Network Recap: The Cheerleader Murders



Last weekend's Lifetime Movie O'Shit O'Week was a rerun, thus I was temporarily relieved from my duties.

You might think I was immersed in sadness and self loathing.

Yeah. Not even a little bit.

Nevertheless, as it never disappoints, this week's Lifetime movie was a virtual cheese board of stupidity.

Backlight courtesy of Lifetime.
Lighting the way to a frontal lobotomy, one movie at a time.

Per norm, I like to give those of you petulant children who insist on licking all the batter out of the bowl before you make the cake a plot roundup. Basically, "The Cheerleader Murders" was:

Wes Craven taught me survival skills. #RIP

And this:


Without all the fantastic Whedon-styled singing and dancing.

As an aside, I cannot believe I was one of the only people who enjoyed "Once More, With Feeling." Sure, it was painful listening to Sarah Michelle Gellar's singing, but you have to admit, the cheese was strong and tasty. It is my favorite insta-happy pill when I feel blue.

When it doubt, I ALWAYS Whedon it out.


But truly, I digress.

"The Cheerleader Murders" begins with our narrator, Ellie, telling the audience that she believes her town's curse passes from teenager to teenager. Years ago, teenagers died in a car accident after the high school won the state championship. Then, the prom king died. Finally, her sister and father were killed by her sister's abusive boyfriend. Three years later, the curse was ready to strike again.

You know what this means, friends.

Let the fuckery begin.

Yep, break out the Sam Smith lyrics, Tumblr. This movie will be filled with TEENS IN PERIL and teens assuming the Lifetime position.


Let's meet our idiots teens, shall we?

Ellie and her friends, Dee and Morgan, are cheerleaders.


Ellie dates Nicholas, the most popular boy in school and captain of the football team.

Could we be anymore cliche', Lifetime writers?

And finally, there is "Creepy Ben" as the kids call him. He dresses grunge, is "trouble" and looks to be in his 20s.

For real tho, how old was Heath Ledger in "10 Things I Hate About You"?
#causehelooked40 

One evening, Ellie, Dee and Morgan are all studying at Morgan's house. Ellie asks Morgan about a strange looking bunny on the coffee table (remember this, friends!). Then, we learn that Dee has slept with Ben and because Lifetime and the "ew" factor, Morgan has slept with Coach Reeves. Ellie is the only virgin of this group which pretty much guarantees Ellie's survival and seals Morgan and Dee's fate.

Why?

There are RULES, people.

Because teen angst, Morgan is rude, so Ellie heads home early. The next day, Morgan and Dee are missing from school. Ellie sees Coach Reeves suspiciously going through Morgan's locker. She goes to Morgan's home, sees blood on the walls and calls 911. Chief Patterson of The Lifetime Police Department arrives. He asks Ellie if she knows what happened and looks around cluelessly, which basically means:


The Lifetime Police Department, yet again, will be useless throughout the duration of the film.

The next morning, a runner on the highway sees this:


Morgan's body parts have been found! But who killed Morgan? 

Later on, Ellie sees this in her bedroom:

Lifetime, this is terrifying.

It is the strange looking bunny from Morgan's house. 

And suddenly, I am singing in my head:

Whedon knows best. And so does Anya.

Officer Patterson arrives and asks Ellie to come to The Lifetime Police Station. He totally dismisses the bunny theory, but I am still:


At the station, Ellie meets Agent Ramon Martinez of the Lifetime FBI. Coach Reeves is also there being questioned about Morgan. Ellie asks Agent Martinez if they have found Dee's body or have any suspects. 

And Agent Martinez is like:

Lifetime Police Department Requirements = assume the stupid position.

And she wisely decides to investigate her friend's death on her own. She first thinks it might be Coach Reeves because after all, Lifetime is a sex offender registry gone wild. However, he tells Ellie that he would never hurt Morgan. Then, Ellie receives a threatening note and text.

She decides it must be Creepy Ben because he is totally anti-establishment and like, strange and stuff.


Ellie investigates Creepy Ben's home and she finds:


And I am singing:

I told you so. #floppyhappybunnies 

Chief Patterson arrives and Creepy Ben admits he left the bunnies in their homes, but he did it to make the girls like him. 

Creepy Ben is not the killer and it was not the bunnies.

Dammit. I feel so cheap.
#butbunniesAREevil

Later, Ellie visit's Morgan's memorial. She sees a strange car and decides to investigate. The car leads Ellie to an abandoned house. In the basement, she finds a bloody, but still alive, Dee. Suddenly, a masked man arrives. They run to escape him, and Ellie decides they should split up and meet back at the car.

And I am screaming at the television: NO, ELLIE, NO!!!

You never split up in a horror movie. NEVER.

Because of course it does, her decision leads to:

Dee assuming the Lifetime position. 

Back at The Lifetime Police Department, Chief Patterson scolds Ellie for chasing the killer. Ellie's mom reminds Chief Patterson he has done nothing and furthermore:

Are the police even necessary anymore, Lifetime?

The next day, Nicholas comes over to see Ellie and like all teenagers during a major crisis and slashfest, they make out. Nicholas sees her sketch book and Ellie says she is drawing a sketch of the car she followed to the abandoned house. Then, Ellie tells him they should leave town together because Nicholas is the only one who understands her.

And Nicholas is all:


Not really, but that is what I would have said because #thismovieisfuckingAWFUL.

Thus, Nicholas leaves and Ellie receives a "text from beyond" from Dee which reads, "You couldn't save me. You won't save the others." Upon reading this, Ellie and her mom decide to leave town. On the way out, they stop by Nicholas's house. In Nicholas's room, Ellie finds a picture of Nicholas and the car that she followed to the abandoned house.

And I am like:

The boyfriend did it, or did he?

Chief Patterson and Agent Martinez arrive. They ask Nicholas's dad if they can search his home without a warrant and he is all, sure, no problem. Why? Because this is Lifetime and we are supposed to suspend all belief in plausible logistics. They discover the car in the garage complete with the bloody knife, blood and hair in the trunk. Therefore, Nicholas is arrested for Dee and Morgan's murder.

The next day, Nicholas is in his cell all:

Assuming the suicide Lifetime position.

Am I missing something here? What was Nicholas's motive for killing two cheerleaders? And aside from starring in this piece of cow manure movie, why would he kill himself?

And the Lifetime writer is just staring back at me like:


And presses onward.

Now, here is where things get confusing.


Try to follow along. #LifetimeBrainDrainTime

Ellie decides to go to Nicholas's home and visit with his dad, Don. At the same time, Chief Patterson goes to the abandoned house and Mrs. Fuller arrives. She tells him that Nicholas is her nephew and Don is her brother who goes by many aliases. When they were young, Don was arrested for assaulting some girls. He claimed the girls were lying and it ruined his life. Back at Nicholas's house, Ellie sees Dee's phone on the counter and realizes Don is the killer.

Don, like all Lifetime villains, proceeds to give a lengthy soliloquy on why he killed Dee and Morgan.

Basically, Don's reasons were:

1) Cheerleaders are evil.


and

2) Popular girls are totally mean.


Makes total sense, right?


After a chase sequence, Don is plowed down by Ellie's mom's car. Then, Ellie and her mom leave town. We close the film with Ellie writing in her journal that sometimes, there is just no explanation for bad things happening to a person.

Well Ellie, when bad stuff happens to me, I always blame Lifetime.

Worst. Writers. Ever.

Anyhoo, I am Joss going to take a Whedon detour here (see what I did there?) and say I still believe Don killed everyone because of BUNNIES.


Orrrrrr maybe not.

My Buffy fans "get me."

Andddddddd roll credits.

But, BUT, wait! Where was Military Husband during "The Cheerleader Murders"? He conveniently claimed he was at his office.

This more than likely means he was sitting outside like this:


Le Sigh.

Did you watch "The Cheerleader Murders"? Were any cheerleaders in high school mean to you? Or were you a cheerleader? Let me know in the comments below!

Give me an L-I-F-E-T-I-M-E, what does that spell? HORRIBLE! And I am still,




44 comments:

  1. All da gifs just made my momma wanna watch 10 Things I Hate About You. BOL!

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  2. Bahahaha. I love this movie - anything with murders and cheerleaders!! Right up my alley!

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  3. Oh I wants to be a cheerleader and haf that cute little red outfit to wear!
    Loves and licky kisses
    Princess Leah xxx

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  4. Finally that is a movie mom has seen. MOL MOL MOL She watched it a long time ago.
    Hugs madi your bfff

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  5. My favourite cheerleader movie is Bring it On...I could watch it over and over.

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  6. People really get into these movies??? If it wasn't for you I would have no clue about the incredibleness of LMN :)

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  7. Oh this movie! I had it on as background noise and it was well interesting haha.

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  8. How did I never notice that Timothy Olyphant was in Scream 2?!? Now I have an actualy reason to watch it again...

    Do you remember that Lifetime movie from years and years ago, Death of a Cheerleader? I think Tori Spelling was in it. One of the greatest films of all time.

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    1. OMG! Yes!! And Kellie Martin and Valerie Harper!! Soooo good and a true story. Xxoo

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  9. Your GIFs are better than this movie.

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    1. Girl, a tooth drilling is better than this movie! Hahahaha :)

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  10. I do not even know what to say!! Craziness. Your reviews are so freaking funny though.

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    1. Yeah speechless is a good description of how all these movies leave me!!

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  11. Yikes...pretty violent! I love the premise, though, but as usual, Lifetime always ruins a good premise.

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  12. Another TV gem I missed...#notevensadaboutit #HSdebateteam>cheerleaders #stillloveyourreviews

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  13. Being a certified Band Geek, I was trained to be anti-Cheerleader...but do I get extra points if we are owners of the Buffy Musical CD??? Oh yes...Only Whedon nerds of the finest kind live here!! LOL

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    1. Same!! But, BUT, I can get it on Spotify now, so I just listen to it whenever and wherever.
      What can we face if we're together? What's in this place that we can't weather? There's nothing....except for BUNNIES. #WhedonKnowsBest

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  14. One of your best recaps ever - the GIF's were spot on! I wasn't a cheerleader, but my boyfriend was popular, so they had to talk to me :)!

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    1. Aw thanks so much!! :)
      I was in drama club and choir and French club. Typical shy nerd. Military Husband was the jock/football quarterback/Mr. Popularity in HS!

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  15. Sounds like a stereotypical teenage slasher film. This one has no desirable watch effect for me. I wasn't a cheerleader in high school. I was busy becoming a teenage mom statistic.

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    1. Haha, it had no watch affect for me either!

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  16. Wow that sounds craptastic! I am sure you are going to sustain brain damage from banging your head in the table watching these movies.

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  17. Oh gosh, sounds so good! Lol! I missed getting on here to read these! Xo

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  18. We canceled cable a few months ago and I miss Lifetime! It was a love hate but kind of a guilty pleasure!!

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  19. Lifetime can make some pretty violent stuff!

    God bless,

    XO, Claire

    Http://www.littlemissfashionqueen.com

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  20. I thought about watching it, but figured you would do such a great job of recapping it that I didn't really have to put myself through that. :-)

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    1. Haha right! Don't put yourself through the unnecessary torture!!

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  21. Bahaha props for sitting through that crap fest!

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