April 17, 2016

Lifetime Movie Network Recap: Dying To Be Loved



On Saturday, I was having a fantastic day. I cleaned, hung out with Military Husband and played with my pugs. While I was out running errands, I realized an evil beast was waiting for me that evening.

It came in the form of:


The latest crapfest chapter in Lifetime's film festival from hell. The title alone had me like:

I hate my Lifetime, that is.

Friends, I am beginning to think the writers are catching on to my recaps because this film resounded something I have stressed over and OVER - The Lifetime Police Department is hopeless and truly sucks. 

Now, I know you are thinking, hey, Mili Wifey:


Just you wait! 

Or maybe not. This movie is fucking awful per usual, but, BUT, I am going to share it with you anyway.

Caring is sharing.

"Dying To Be Loved" begins with two teenagers doing exactly what I would like to do every single Saturday night I sit down to recap these shitshows movies.


With chains connected to bricks wrapped around their bodies, they are diving off a bridge! Wait, take me with you, you Sam Smith, World of Warcraft loving bastards.  #LifetimeIsDevouringMySoul

Yup, this film is going to be filled with TEENS IN PERIL and, of course, #whatupTumblr, teen angst.

Being a Lifetime teen is the worst.

We flash back to six months earlier in Lifetime Land. Emily Yates, an 18 year old freshman at Whittendale University, is canoodling with her 25 year old boyfriend, Gary Smith. We are supposed to think that is a huge age difference, but I am like, really, Lifetime, REALLY? You disappoint. I am going to need more "ew" factor out of you.

Bring on the dirty dads, teachers and PawPaws.

The usual Lifetime pervs.

But truly, I digress.

Emily goes home where we learn that lately she has been pulling her best rendition of "Girl, Interrupted," the home game. 

You know, lots of depression, pouting and listening to dark music.


Her mom, Jill, is in Emily's room counting her pills. She is concerned Emily is off her meds. However, Emily tells Jill she has a secret boyfriend and was afraid her mom would be angry. Jill is thrilled to hear the news, and the next day, Gary comes over to the house for dinner with Emily, Jill and Jill's fiance' Connor Hodges. 

Meet Gary Smith:


He is a security guard at Whittendale University and a stereotypical Lifetime Boyfriend, aka "Total Jackhole." Future plans? Whatever makes him the most money and boning your daughter. Gary scoffs at Connor's job designing SmartHouses, drinks nearly an entire bottle of wine and pops a piece of "Quit It" gum because he is trying to quit chain smoking.

He even checks out Emily's mom kind of like this:

Thanks, Lifetime. 2 painful hours of this douchebag.

And Military Husband is in the background all:

Funny, huh?
How about HE recap Lifetime's fuckery.

Of course, Jill is displeased with Gary's behavior, but agrees to attend a cookout at Gary's house. At the cookout, Jill meets Gary's brother Ritchie Smith, a Sargent at the Lifetime Police Department. He is polite, as is Gary's mom.

And Gary? Well, he is being a shithead Gary.


Jill is angry and tells Gary to stay away from Emily. Gary immediately suggests that he, Emily and Jill have a threesome. Jill is disgusted and Gary is like:


Jill insists Emily leave and Emily refuses. Sgt. Smith reminds Jill that Emily is 18 years old and they cannot force her to leave. Jill is furious and wants to know what kind of cop would encourage this behavior.

Oh, Jill. The Lifetime Dumbass Cop Kind of Cop.

Lifetime's Finest.

Later that afternoon, Jill hires Paul Jennings, a private investigator, to run a background check on Gary. Surprise, surprise, Gary has a record which includes two DUIs and a sexual assault charge. Meanwhile, Gary and Emily are driving and a man cuts them off. Gary is infuriated and pursues the man to a store. Gary and the man argue, and Emily calls 911. Then, Gary asks Emily to hand him a gun from the glove compartment and kills the man.

Emily is horrified, but Gary is like:

The douchebaggery in this movie is #onfleek.

At the police station, Jill and Connor learn Emily was arrested because she handed Gary the gun. She has a bail hearing the next day. Suddenly, we flash forward to a scene at the courthouse. Gary was found guilty of murder. The District Attorney offers Emily an agreement that she plead guilty and receive probation. Emily refuses because she "loves Gary so much" and "admitting guilt would get Gary in trouble" and she "doesn't want to live without Gary."

Which has me like:

Dude, Gary sucks.
Move on to the next Lifetime teenage angst crush, Emily.

The next morning, Officer Morse shows up on Jill's doorstep to let her know Emily and Gary killed themselves in a suicide pact. Sgt. Smith shows Jill a videotape of the two preparing to jump off the bridge. However, you never see Emily and Gary jump and the Lifetime Police Department has not found their bodies. Jill is convinced Emily is still alive. She asks Sgt. Smith to help find her, and he is sort of like:

Sgt. Smith is SO involved.
Lifetime, The Queen of Transparency.

Therefore, Jill decides to hire Paul Jennings to find Emily. She looks around the bridge where Emily and Gary jumped and finds a piece of sticky gum and a box of Quit It. Jill tells Jennings that she believes Gary stashed a car by the river. Jennings plans to run a DNA test on the gum (Can anyone just do that, nowadays?) and Jill is starting a social media page to find Emily. Suddenly, we see Gary kicking back in a cabin. He finds Jill's page where she is asking for help to find Emily and is all:

Jill is a total fun sucker Lifetime Mom.

Later that night, someone turns on the gas in Jill's house while Jill and Connor are sleeping. Gee, I wonder who? Jill wakes up with just enough time to call 911 and drag Connor out of the house. Connor is in a coma in the hospital and Jill is by his side. Sgt. Smith arrives and tells Jill that the Smart Stove Connor designed was the cause of the gas leak. Jill tells Sgt. Smith that Gary knew the house code and could have activated it wherever he was hiding.

Sgt. Smith is like:


Ignores Jill and leaves. #SgtSmithisEVIL #anddumbashell

Then, Jill remembers that Connor mentioned at dinner that he used to hang out at a lodge when he was snowboarding in Alexandria. She heads to Alexandria to find Connor. And we have commercials and only 22 minutes left of this bloody mess movie.

Out of nowhere, this conversation occurs.

Military Husband: You need to tell your readers THAT freaks me out.

Me: Huh?

Military Husband: Those midgets. You know.....


Me: Oh, really?

Military Husband:

Midgets and clowns are Military Husband's kryptonite.
#apologiestoboth #ILOVEDPennywise #TheMunchkinswerecool #iguess

Anyhoo, in Alexandria, Jill finds the lodge and sneaks inside. Jennings calls to tell her the DNA on the gum is a familial match to Gary's DNA. Jill realizes the gum belonged to Sgt. Smith. He has been helping his brother Gary (yeah, Jill, we knew that an hour ago #catchup). Jill looks around the lodge and finds Emily chained to a table. Suddenly, Gary and Sgt. Smith arrive.

Like all good villains and because Gary is an annoying prick, Gary gives a five minute boring as fuck soliloquy on his evil plan.

Gary, there is vodka chilling in the freezer.
#hurrythefuckup

In a nutshell, Gary has a new alias and ID (thanks to Sgt. Smith) so he can leave the country. But first, he wants ransom money from Jill. When Jill tells him she does not have any money, he decides to kill Jill and Emily. Sgt. Smith and Gary leave to find shovels because dumbfucks giving Emily and Jill a chance to escape in the woods. In the woods, Gary hears a noise and accidentally shoots Sgt. Smith. Instead of calling for an ambulance to help his dying brother, Gary kills him. Then, Gary finds Jill and Emily. Gary and Jill struggle over the gun, Gary trips and then:

Gary falls off the cliff and assumes The Lifetime Position.

The movie closes with newlyweds Jill and Connor telling Emily they are taking her on their honeymoon. After her probation is up, of course.

YOU SEE FOLKS, I told you the Lifetime Police Department was a storm of fuckery and ineptitude. It was Sgt. Smith aiding and abetting ALL ALONG.


Anddddddd roll credits.

Did you watch "Dying To Be Loved"? Has your daughter or son ever dated someone you disapproved of? What would you do if they did? Let me know in the comments below!

Lifetime has me dying for a drink because I am,





36 comments:

  1. Little Woman LA is my late night pleasure...haha! I love those crazy girls!

    God bless,

    XO, Claire

    Http://www.littlemissfashionqueen.com

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  2. I can't believe that I missed another classic! Hopefully, I can catch it before the Oscars. ROFL

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  3. All I can say is, thank goodness for your funny Monday reviews...or I might actually watch one of these movies by accident...;-).

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  4. Hahaha I watched this movie and wow! However, your reviews are much better than the actual movie.

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  5. I watched Girl Missing last week, on a rare weeknight evening that I was home alone. Quality entertainment. You haven't reviewed that one yet...

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    1. Oh that sounds like a gem I need to recap!!

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  6. OHHHHH ONCE AGAIN ANIMAL PLANET TVeees won the toss for Saturday night viewing here
    hugs madi your bfff

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  7. I have never watched a Lifetime movie (I don't think I have at least) but I hear that they are notably horrible. Your recaps are so funny, lololol. Cracked up all the way through.

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    1. Thank you so much! Oh, you should watch one. It's really quite therapeutic in a way. I've begun to realize I could actually be a script writer. Laziness and sloppy writing is quite acceptable! Haha

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  8. I watch Little Women: LA every week ;) They freak out my husband too. He's worried if one got mad they'd pummel him in the balls.

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  9. Furst dad has the remote then the grandpoops have it. You see where this is going.....stella rose

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    Replies
    1. Ugh!! Come over!! We've got more than one huge tv!

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  10. It seems like they kind of missed a couple of steps there. Like, if Gary was convicted of murder, why was he free to go pretend to jump off a bridge with Emily? How come he wasn't in jail awaiting sentencing?

    And the even bigger question...why am I questioning this as if there is any logical explanation?

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    1. LMFAO. I mean, he was convicted of murder (and a cold blooded one, at that) and had a criminal history. You'd think he would most certainly be a flight risk. But alas, this Lifetime. You are supposed to suspend all belief in plausible logistics.
      PS Thanks for the podcast recommendations! I was listening to those two people who "ruin the movies" today. Love them!

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  11. Your reviews are so awesome. I do not think I have ever watched a Lifetime movie. I am ok with it!!

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  12. Gawd I love Paul Rudd...!! And Channing made an appearance... NOICE!! Yay for Lifetime!! I too am dying to love... HAHA

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  13. Each of your reviews has me more convinced that I shouldn't subscribe to that service where you can watch Lifetime movies online, which is where I watch all my TV now!

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  14. Oh, your reviews are so much better and more entertaining than those movies!!!

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    1. Aw thanks so much!! I appreciate your support!! xxoo

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  15. That sounds like it was one of the lowliest Lifetime movies ever! My daughter went through a phase where she dated a few douchebags herself. She's slowly faded out of falling for the wrong guys, thank goodness.

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    1. Oh good!! I did the same. It's hard finding a good one!!

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  16. I don't think I will ever be able to watch one of these movies without gifs playing in my head. LOL You deserve a nice ginormous glass of vodka after that.

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  17. I can't take how funny you are, I love it!

    God bless,

    XO, Claire

    Http://www.littlemissfashionqueen.com

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  18. I started watching this movie on a Saturday afternoon when I REALLY should be doing something else. ANYTHING else. Anyway, all I wanted to know is who did what and why. So thank you for this website because elsewise I would have had to waste two hours of my life. Thank you!
    MaryAnn

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    Replies
    1. Lol!! You're so welcome! Thank you for coming by and reading! Happy 4th!! Xxoo

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