April 12, 2016

Delta Hell, Or That Time I Took The Worst Flight EVER



Flying can be really annoying. You see, the problem with flying the so-called "friendly skies" is that airplanes are no longer a luxury. Flights are dirt cheap. For example, budget airlines like Allegiant, the flying Winnebago to Vegas, exist.

Because Vegas is like, totally, the American Dream.

It is what America is known for, really.
Booze, bright sparkly lights and expensive hookers.

Today's flights are basically one big public transit bus. Picture if you will the most ratchet, ghetto public bus service (*cough* MARTA *cough* #sorrynotsorryAtlanta) you could possibly ride to your destination filled with lovely individuals like this:


And this:


Congratulations, you have just seen the future of your next flight experience. #yourewelcome

Over the years, I have experienced some not so pleasant flights. I have seen kids acting like zoo animals throwing cards and food all over first class (to the point that the pilot had to come on the loudspeaker and ask them to sit their asses down). I have seen long waxy ear hairs sticking out on my neighboring passenger. And I have seen a drunk man spilling dribbles of raunchy cheese sauce from the nachos he was eating while walking near my seat.

I have seen some things, man.


A long flight ahead, indeed. #letuspray

However, the worst flight EVER for me was the trip to our honeymoon destination, Hawaii. Flight time to Honolulu: 9 and 1/2 hours. This really did not sound bad on paper. Friends, it was the longest and most excruciating nearly ten hours of my life.

Our friendly sky carrier? Delta Airlines. Yup, I am calling them out by name.

Hey, Delta:


But truly, I digress.

Military Husband and I boarded the plane and took our seats. As we did, we noticed a large amount of people boarding carrying many, MANY bags. The pilot even announced, "Welp, we have a full flight today folks, so try to make room." Funny, I thought there were rules about the size and number of bags one could bring on the plane.

Apparently not this flight because there was at least one or two people like this guy:


Then, the couple a row above us on our left arrived. The husband not only had two extremely large duffle bags, but he was walking down the aisle carrying a didgeridoo. I watched as a flight attendant struggled to fit it in the overhead compartment and finally, the man laid it underneath his seat.

For later use, I assume.



Really Delta? REALLY? 

I was like:


And put my headphones on to begin watching a movie. 

About two hours into the flight, it was feeding time. I scoured the menu and these were the options:

1) Cheese pizza.
2) Cheese tray.
3) Ham and cheese sandwiches.
4) Cheese pasta.
5) Cheese whiz. 

Now folks, yours truly loves cheese. Military Husband, on the other hand, despises even the smell. I looked over at him and he was all:


Right. However, being that we were both hungry, we decided to order food and a drink. While every other aisle in the plane was being served, our aisle was ignored. Why? Because our flight attendant was a tiny bit preoccupied.

Another flight attendant finally took our order and said:

"I can't imagine why no one is helping you. I don't know what's going on with your flight attendant."

Well, I did. You see, she was like this:


With the male passengers on the plane. During the course of the first few hours of the flight, I had witnessed her pop a squat next to the two businessmen sitting in front of us and ask all about their itinerary in Honolulu. She quickly let them know she would be staying at the Waikiki Marriott. You know, in case they wanted to find her for "help."

Attending to the passengers, my ass.


We finally received our food, and as we settled back in for another movie, things started to go awry. Behind us were two older women who rather enjoyed a round of Bejeweled on the screen in front of them. Of course, they had to push the screen to play. Instead of lightly pressing, they literally Hulk Smashed the seats.

It was so bad I looked over at Military Husband and he was all:


At this point, we are now four hours into our flight. Remember all that cheese we had for lunch? It was, how shall I say, talking to the passengers.


Thus, the smells began and the long lines to the bathroom.

Little Known Fact About Mili Wifey #1: I have an extremely tiny bladder. Therefore, I have to use a bathroom no matter what the condition. Unluckily, the bathroom in the plane was located near us.  Oh, and the putrid smells of the toilet were seeping out of the door! Because I had to make wee wee, I decided to suck it up and do like the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - brave the sewer.

Folks, that plane bathroom looked a lot like this:


You might think I am exaggerating.

Little Known Fact About Mili Wifey #2: The college I attended was known for their football team. Therefore, I went to many games and braved the bathrooms, including outdoor Port-O-Potties. I KNOW a gross bathroom when I see one. Trust me, this airplane bathroom was nastier. There was paper shoved in the sink and toilet paper all over the floor, along with other "items" and mystery "liquids" (at college games, we called those liquids The Three P's: piss, puke and poo.). Not to mention, the potty seat covers were nonexistent and the toilet paper was almost gone.

I came back to our seat and looked at Military Husband like:

Damn you, tiny bladder.

Also, our flight was full of NFL football players en route to the Pro Bowl. I assume the first class bathroom was no better because a few of them trickled to the Land O'Peasants to use ours. One player, holding his small child, looked aghast when he saw the toilet. He tried to talk to our flight attendant about the bathroom's condition and she was all:


We are now moving into six hours into our flight. My ears hurt from my headphones, we had not been served even a WATER in hours, the bathroom was reminiscent of that scene in Saw where Jigsaw had Dr. Gordon tied to a drainpipe and our flight attendant was not available to help because she was scheduling "dates" with the different men on the plane.

How DARE we even ask or bother her when she is all:


Military Husband finally decided to check out the bathroom situation himself. He walked to the door, opened it and turned around like this:


Me: You don't have to use the bathroom?

Military Husband: I will hold it.

Me: For 9 and 1/2 hours though?

Seriously, could ANY of the flight attendants attend to the bathroom mess?
#WTFDelta 

Being blonde, I made the mistake of looking at the tracking map on my screen to see how far away we were from Hawaii. When I saw the plane flying over California, I was pretty relieved. Until I looked at the estimated flight time left:

3 and 1/2 MORE hours.

The pilot came on the loudspeaker to announce that most of the food was gone because of the 8,999,999 times they fed first class passengers. However, there were a few cheese pizzas left. The couple sitting across from us ordered the pizza and it smelled disgusting. That, along with the gas passing, the reeking smell of decay from the bathroom and the lack of alcohol flowing to my veins, I was seriously annoyed.

And Military Husband? Well, he has an extremely sensitive nose, thus he was like:


Meanwhile, there was a congregation growing down our aisle. You know how you can "freely move about the cabin" when the lights go off over your seat? Well, the passengers on this flight took that liberally. Many, MANY passengers were just mingling around the aisles, chatting, sitting and taking selfies. Since Military Husband was seated on the aisle seat, these passengers continuously bumped his leg and back.


I was hot, tired and I REALLY wanted off that plane. Know this, my friends, many ideas run through your mind when you are desperate. For example, there was a blowup raft located on the door by the seats in front of us. I seriously considered grabbing the raft, opening the airplane door and jumping.


ANYTHING would be better than another second on Fart Flight 109.

But, BUT, then, there was a break in the clouds and I saw this:

Still wishing I was The Falcon and could just dive out the plane tho.

Thrilled to be ready to land, I started putting away my iPad and headphones. The pilot came over the loudspeaker to announce we had to fill out forms before we landed. Said forms needed to be completed in pencil. Pencils, are you serious? Do you think I am Laura Ingalls Wilder and have brought along my handy wooden school box?

Legit, who the hell carries around pencils in this day and age?

Other than a masked madman terrorizing Gotham.

Thus, we needed to find one and because of course she was, our flight attendant was somewhere like:


You know, "busy" with the male passengers.

Finally, the pilot came on the loudspeaker and said:

"Um. Uh. Um. There seems to be a problem or lack of pencils. Can you guys share with your neighbors? Thanks."

I am looking around, attempting to find someone with an available pencil. Meanwhile, Military Husband is pretty much all:

Military Husband was just so pissed.

Eventually, we found a pencil and filled out the forms only to learn it was unnecessary because we were not carrying any live animals or infectious diseases. However, if being an asshole is contagious, the whole state of Hawaii was in serious trouble. You might think I am exaggerating, but as we were walking through the airport, this conversation took place.

Me: I am SO happy to be off that plane.

Military Husband: If one single person that was on that plane is at our resort, we are leaving. I hate them. I hate them all.

Me:


We were both in the worst mood. And, if you are wondering, I totally wrote a lengthy complaint to Delta after the trip.

Their response?

Dear Mili Wifey:

Sorry about your inconvenience on our flight. Unfortunately, all we can offer as our way of correcting the situation is a $50 gift card to Bath and Body Works. Thank you for flying Delta and we hope to see you again in the future.

Sincerely,

Delta Response Team

My response?

Dear Delta Flight From HELL:


How fitting that you would send us a gift card for soap, something the bathroom on your planes SO badly needed. How about making your Flying Hoodrat Express a little more sanitary next time? Oh, and tell your flight attendant to stop acting like a cheap $20 make you holla CraigsList ho.

Sincerely,

Mili Wifey

Or something like that.

Not surprisingly, I received the gift card in the mail four weeks later and no other communication from the airline. We had a fantastic honeymoon and I absolutely adore Military Husband for making it all happen for me. However, Delta Airlines undoubtedly made our long flight uncomfortable and a shitstorm of fuckery awful.

Is it just me, or has customer service in general gone to shit nowadays? This is why:


Vodka is my bestie.

Have you ever had a not so pleasant flight? Do you enjoy flying? Have you ever experienced problems with an airline? Let me know in the comments below!

On a nonstop wine flight, I am,



74 comments:

  1. BAHAHAHA I have not had to fly in the US for quite some time... Perhaps I should be glad I live overseas...! I've flown Delta a while back but luckily I was in bizzo class, so I avoided the rif raf...! I usually fly British Airways now back to the States, them Brits can be quite ratchet as well... ;) Hehehe

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    1. Riff Raff! Great description. Delta is the worst!!

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  2. Da one we've had da bad eggsperiences wif wuz American. Dey took my momma's money for me to fly in-cabin, den refoosed to let me fly unless she bought a new carrier from them (ridiculously marked up of course). She did, and then on da return flight dey tried to say it wuzn't an approved carrier. But she still had the receipt from a week ago, so they had to let us through.

    And dey also screwed wif Finley's momma - she wuz sposed to get in to Boston at about 1 PM one time - arrived at 3 AM!

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    1. Omg are you serious? What a bunch of bs! I can't believe that. Ugh. We need some posts on what carriers are approved for airlines! Military Husband and I have to fly with the girls at some point. That scares me!!

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  3. Eek! Sounds awful. My hubby had someone clipping their toenails next to him last week on a flight home. Blugh

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    1. OMFG, I just laughed out loud. Barf!!! Hahahahahah. Your poor husband. I hope he got a drink.

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  4. Omg. Every flight into Hawaii has been garbage for us. I also hate filling out that stupid form. I always get sassy on it. "Why are you coming to Hawaii?" "Because I freaking live here now LET ME OFF THIS PLANE" Ugh!

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    1. Lmao!! I'm so glad it wasn't just us!! I know...why do they need to know that? And like anyone says, "oh I'm coming to Hawaii to become a career criminal." Hahaha

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  5. Well.....I haven't been in a plane yet (and I lives next to an airport!) and I had been nagging the peeps to take me somewhere nice butt....well all flights aren't like this are they? Cos this Princess, while luffing cheese, doesn't like dirty toilets!
    Loves and licky kisses
    Princess Leah xxx

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  6. I've never flown before, I hope I have good luck on my first.

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  7. I must admit I have never flown Delta - hubby has and hates them - he will go out of his way to use another airline even if it takes longer to get where he is going.

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  8. Holy gawkamoley!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am nearly speechless...wow. That was horrible!!
    Last night on Inside Edition (the one with Deborah Norville, I often confuse the 7 pm and 7:30 pm shows). Anyway they aired a video of a Mom going totally ballistic, she was way over the top and rightly so but really?, due to their flight to Florida to catch was going to be 7 hours late departing due to weather. Her family was going to miss the Disney Cruise ship that they had been planning for over a year. Now I wonder if it was Delta. LOLOLOLO
    Hugs Madi and Mom

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  9. Hahaha long flights are the worst! When we went to Hawaii, we had 2 stops along the way to break it up. Fun.

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  10. My flight home to the US after 2 years in Korea. I just kept reminding myself that at least it was the flight HOME! Horrid. But I made it - and my dog made it, which was part of the huge issue. Ugh. I hate flying. Hate. It.
    KZK

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  11. As much as I love traveling, I just hate long flights (over 5 hours), for all the reasons you stated. We do NOT fly Delta under any circumstance (horrible customer service!!). We traveled First Class on United on our Hawaii trip, and STILL they cancelled the last leg of the trip. We had to drive the last 6 hours from SFO. On the plus side, they put us up in a nice hotel for the evening so we wouldn't have to make the drive at midnight. On the minus side, they did not pay for our rental car. But because they made an effort, and the customer service people were actually nice, we will fly United again.

    For short trips (like Vegas) I would much rather drive or fly Southwest!

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    1. OH...and I watched the Dr. Strange trailer. OMD,it's going to be an awesome movie!! Plus, did you watch any of the Civil War Red Carpet they were streaming on Marvel.com? You soooo should have been there interviewing, you would have asked much better questions, LOL!!

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    2. Yes, Military Husband prefers United. We ended up having to use Delta for another long story.

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  12. Mom says she would love to go to Hawaii but doesn't want to deal with the plane ride. Even an flight longer than and hour or two she hates
    hugs
    Mr Bailey, Hazel & Mabel

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    1. Aw yeah I totally understand! Thanks for reading loves!!

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  13. On the bright side you got one hell of a funny story to tell and a great blog!

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    1. Oh yeah I have tons of stories. It was a great trip!!

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  14. NO WAY!! I refuse to fly Delta because last year we went to Boston and my husband accidentally bought 2 tickets there and none home. So we went to the counter to tell them and they did nothing. Not only nothing but then when we were like ok we have to get home they wanted to charge us like 700.00 per person for a ticket. They would not give us any kind of help even though the flight was not sold out. So we went to Southwest and got two tickets for like 400.00. Then I complained to Delta that I understand we made a mistake but they should have tried to help and they.did.nothing!! Stupid Delta I will never fly again and will tell anyone to stay away.

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    1. Omg that is awful! I'm so glad we can all share our stories here. I definitely will not be flying with them again, and it really bothers me that American Express has a connection with Delta (through SkyMiles). Love AMEX, do not like Delta. Wish they would break up with them!!

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  15. Oh the joys of flying! It gives me serious anxiety lol.

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  16. You crack me up! It's so funny that I'm reading this as I also watch an episode of a TV show about a 1955 flight. Literally, as I'm typing this, an interviewee is talking about how people wore their "Sunday best" when they traveled back then. (Of course, they also showed a clip of a guy cheerfully talking about all the mangled bodies found. Apparently death and dismemberment was amusing in 1955.) I hate, hate, hate flying. We drive when we can. My husband always says, "Let's just fly" but then he puts off getting tickets, so we end up "having" to fly. The only time I'll fly is if we're going somewhere you can't get to within a day or two.

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    1. Lol! It's awful now! But a necessary evil sometimes. I mean, idiots on the road are no better. Xxoo

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  17. Oh my god. This sounds awful. Luckily I've never had a flight from hell like that. I got delayed in an airport one time and that really sucked... but holy crap it wasn't like that ^^^. I'd never ever fly again.

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  18. Oh.My.Gosh. Flight from hell indeed! Okay, I have to say, with apologies, you had me laughing with your great storytelling and gifs...Now, may I add, this flying virgin (yep, never have flown on a plane...yet. I was on one to do a photoshoot once, does that count? It did not leave the ground, so I'm thinking no.) After this tale of horror...I may skip flying and just gaze up at the friendly skies!

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    1. Lol! I hope I didn't scare you off! Just an aside, I'm actually fascinated with flight. I love WWI aces. And I'd love to learn how to fly myself! But Delta? They can kiss my butt!!

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  19. Ack! I'm flying tomorrow - to Vegas!!! I don't think I've ever had a flight that bad - but the longest I've been on is 6 hours. I'm with you - tiny bladder - and I HATE those bathrooms!

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    1. Have fun in Vegas!! Post pics of the food. I need to drool over a good Vegas buffet. Xxoo

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  20. That's a hilarious account of what must have been a nightmare. My worst airline story is when my husband and children fly home from NYC. They came over the loudspeaker to announce, "We have a mentally ill patient on board today. Please disregard any screaming or crying. Thank you." Ummmm...What? Me: "Kids, avoid the restrained passenger a few rows above." *Thanks for your well-wishes. I've missed your posts. ♥

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    1. Omg!
      Hope you are feeling better lady!! Been thinking of you! xxxoo

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  21. We saw your comment about ads on Pandora. Mom pays about $5.00 a month for Pandora One (I think that is what they call it) there are no ads on it
    Hugs Madi

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    1. Ah I see! They must have changed things because whenever I had it, there were still some streaming ads. Spotify is $10/month and you have unlimited access to every song in the world (except Prince...which kind of stinks).

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  22. hahahahahaha! We can all laugh now, but I would have killed someone if it had been me.
    Once we were on a flight where the man next to me reached down into his bag and pulled out a footlong hoagie! It was smelly to say the least. The funniest part though was when he proceeded to cut it in half, and ask the flight attendant to walk the other half up to his wife a few rows ahead of us. The look on the flight attendant's face is something I will never forget.
    -Kristen
    www.pugsandpearls.com

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    1. Seriously? What an asshole! Hahahahahaha. Dying!

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  23. Oh man. I have had some pretty miserable flights, but nothing like that!

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  24. I was 24 weeks pregnant with Pemberley when we went on our honeymoon to Jamaica. Talk about a long ass flight, small bladder, and irritability! But, like your experience, it was all worth it when we got there. Only thing that sucked was not being able to take advantage of the all inclusive drinks...and on the way home, I sat in front of the only screen that didn't work, so no in-flight movie for me.
    xoxo, your wine/vodka/whateversclever friend <3

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    1. Aw man that sucks!! I miss you friend!! Send cute baby pics!! Xxoo

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  25. omg LOL, do you know how to work the gifs!!! This is so funny and it's always so true about the pencils on the plane to Hawaii. Always have to ask around, it bugs. I would be irate if I didn't have the attention of a flight attendant on a 9-hour flight- give me my wine! And blahh about the smell. That would be the worst part!!!

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    1. Girl yes. The smell was on and popping in a bad way. Yeah, no wine, no water, no nothing. Delta can kiss my ass.
      I was literally detoxing when we landed. I felt like I was one of the people on A&E Intervention.

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  26. Um. Yikes. This reminded me why I hate to fly. I usually fly Southwest though. But I've had stinky people around me. And scary bathrooms. And people who leaned their seat into my lap. That was awkward.

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    1. Military Husband usually flies United and has no problems. Delta just has bad customer service! I'm hearing it from everyone. They really need to step up their game.

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  27. That's one thing about living here...need to catch a plane to get anywhere. LOL!

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    1. Haha oh I know! But I would love to be there. When we move there, I'll be looking for you friend! Xxoo

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  28. My mom says shes never had a flight like that before. That was horrible. They only fly to San Antonio and it is on American or United. 2 1/2 hrs is long enough for them

    Oreo

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  29. On our way over here, we didn't know about the forms, so we didn't have writing utensils.. And I was not going to talk to my neighbors. Oops...
    After a couple of flights to and from the island though, I'd have to say Delta has been my favorite. We're flying them when we go home in June.

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    1. I'm glad you had a good experience! I will tell you that the plane we took (staff/pilots/flight attendant) were not home based in Hawaii. The area they hailed from well, let's just say it's not surprising! Lol

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  30. I find Delta to be very rude and not very accommodating to the customer, I'd honestly to Southwest over it any day!

    God bless,

    XO, Claire

    Http://www.littlemissfashionqueen.com

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    1. I hear many good things about Southwest! We need to try them!! Xxoo

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  31. This is freaking hilarious, and sadly true! I'm flying to Europe for three months this fall, and will most likely use Air Canada, then Lufthansa once I'm there.

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  32. O.M.G. yet another reason I will never set foot on a plane again. Another one of your funniest posts EVA!

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  33. Oh Lawd I thought our 7 hour flight to Cali was bad but nope you win the award! I would have died with the bathroom situation since my bladder is the size of a pea as well.

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    1. Omg it was awful! We did 7 hrs on the way back. Stopped in Salt Lake. The airport at Salt Lake was awesome! Everyone was so sweet!

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  34. That sounds straight out of Stewardess School. (Have you ever seen that movie?!?) One time, my parents almost had to sit next to "Massive Headwound Harry." Luckily, they switched us to a different flight. Another time, we were sitting on the ground for several hours before taking off. Not sure why we had to board if something was wrong with the plane to begin with. I'm annoyed with all the perks no one gets anymore. Everything has a cost. I think even water has a cost now!

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    1. Yes!! Everything is expensive too!! They give you nothing free!!

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  35. OMFG, what a flipping nightmare!! I haven't flown Delta in a while, but will on Memorial Day Weekend. I haven't had any super bad flight experiences YET, but I'm always annoyed with the small amounts of water that are being served - which results in the fact that I spend ridiculous amounts of $$$ on water bottles I take on board with me. #BringYourOwnStuff

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    1. YES! Totally, bring your own. It was like close to a couple of grand to fly to Hawaii? Totally expensive. And nowadays they give you NOTHING free on the plane. Ugh. Anyway, have a great trip!!

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