You might remember back in the summer I wrote a post on The Ratchet Mall. Friends, I am fairly certain that my snark about said mall has cursed me. I am being punished for gawking at hoodrats and laughing at people who purchase glow in the dark blowup dolls at Spencer's.
It is like the Ratchet Mall has taken out billboard space on the highway of my life that reads:
But, BUT. It was funny.
You see, I have a cookie problem. I LOVE cookies, and when I get that feeling for a delectable bite of cookie yumminess, I head to a staple of The Ratchet Mall:
This happens once a week. Or more.
About a month ago, I went to get my buy three, get one free stash of iced cookies. I was surprised to see a man working the counter I had never seen before. A tiny little rat-like looking individual who seemed terribly displeased that at 27 years old his only accomplishment was icing Minions on cookie cakes for pimply pre-teens.
I shall call him Rat Boy.
Rat Boy The Cookie Douche.
The interaction between myself and Rat Boy The Cookie Douche went something like this:
Me: Can I have three iced cookies please?
Rat Boy The Cookie Douche: Yeah, whatever.
And THEN, he proceeds to place ALL three gooey iced cookies in a little paper bag smashing all the cookies together. The icing was smeared all over the bag. It was a big hot mess and looked nasty.
Did any of you ever watch Twilight Zone: The Movie as a child? You know the scene where the little boy who can make things happen with his mind has everyone eat peanut butter hamburgers?
Gross as eff is an understatement.
Totally reminded me of that. #puke
Me: Um. Right. I'm not trying to be a bitch, but really? The icing is all smushed together and stuck to the paper bag. How can I eat those?
Rat Boy The Cookie Douche: The icing is fresh so it is gonna be like that. Deal with it.
Me: Can you just put them in a box?
Rat Boy The Cookie Douche: Uh, actually a box is $1.50. If you want to pay $1.50, you can have a box.
What kind of highway cookie robbery is this?
Now, I have been to The Great American Cookie Company 5,432,000 times. Not one of those times was I charged for a box. Legit, they have tons of boxes stacked up by the counter specifically for the cookies that people purchase. Needless to say, I was not about to pay $1.50 for a paper box, so I took my gooey iced cookies in the bag and left.
A few weekends later, Military Husband and I went in The Ratchet Mall to see if a game was available at Gamestop. And this conversation took place:
Military Husband: Do you want cookies?
Me: Yes, but Rat Boy The Cookie Douche is working.
Military Husband: I'll handle it.
A few minutes later, an extremely angry Military Husband returned with NO cookies.
Me: What happened?
Military Husband: I told him to put your iced cookies in a box and he told me a box cost $2.00.
Me: SEE! I told you. He raised his price. Last time, he told me the box was $1.50.
Military Husband: Yeah. I told him to go fu*k himself with his box.
(Remember folks, Military Husband is from New Jersey. He is a polite gentleman who can bring the ratchet when necessary.)
Le Sigh. I figured I probably would not be getting any cookies from The Great American Cookie Company again after Military Husband's encounter, but, you know:
Nevertheless, I have returned to The Ratchet Mall when Rat Boy The Cookie Douche was not working. Not ONE.SINGLE.TIME was I charged for a box. The other employees placed my iced cookies in a box as if it were no big deal. So, question posed, what is Rat Boy The Cookie Douche's problem? What kind of scam is he running here? Does he pocket the cash he gets for charging unsuspecting Ratchet Mall goers a box?
What I do know is:
Ratchet fuckery, indeed.
Like I said, I suppose that this is how The Ratchet Mall strikes back. It holds my beautiful, delicious iced cookies hostage. Last week, I wanted cookies so badly I could have gnawed on the glass encased prison that holds them. Of course, after I drive ALL the way to The Ratchet Mall, Rat Boy The Cookie Douche, the jackass warden o'cookies is working.
I guess I could stop eating those cookies. I mean, those things cannot be healthy for me.
Rat Boy The Cookie Douche. You suck.
Have you ever dealt with a rude employee at your favorite place to eat? Have you ever dealt with a nasty Ratchet Mall employee? Do you all want to hear more of my crazy life stories? Let me know in the comments below!
I really want a cookie now because I am,