March 13, 2016

Lifetime Movie Network The Quest For Peace: The Stepchild



On Saturday night, Military Husband and I went out to run errands. When we returned, I grabbed my MacBook and this conversation took place:

Military Husband: OH GOD. NO. It's Saturday.

Me: Well, yeah. Duh.

Military Husband:


Me: Maybe this one won't be so bad.

Military Husband: Let's see what this one is called. Um, uh, honey, nothing is taping. Your movie. It did not tape.

Me:


You see, every week I set my DVR to tape the Lifetime Movie O'Shit Week. I do this because Military Husband and I might go to dinner, run errands or do anything BUT watch the movie at its regularly scheduled time spot. Well, this week, somehow my DVR went haywire and I was livid.

Military Husband: You can watch the later rerun tonight. You know, the one at midnight.

Me: 

No chance in h-e-double hockey sticks.

Thus, I missed the first 10 minutes of the movie "The Stepchild" and had to rely on my Lifetime Movie Wisdom and the Internet to catch me up to speed. According to Google, "The Stepchild" stars Lauren Holly as Beth, the stepmother. Lauren once looked like this:


And now, she looks like this:

I thought that was Reba McEntire for a second.
#justbenicetothegentlemenfancy

Also, the movie's main character is a 16 year old girl named Ashley Bennett. Ah yes, my favorite Lifetime plot device:

A TEEN IN PERIL!


Let's get this party started.

16 year old Ashley Bennett walks in to find her father dead and her stepmother, Beth, badly injured after a home invasion. However, Ashley remembers nothing of what happened. At the mental hospital, Dr. Vaughn tries to help Ashley regain her memory. After treatment, Ashley returns home and finds Beth has moved in her father's business partner, John Blackwell.

Beth is not wasting time. Her hoo-haa is on #firrreeeee.
#widowedandhorny

Military Husband: WHATEVER DAN SCOTT!

Me:


Military Husband: The guy John is Dan Scott on One Tree Hill.

Me:


But truly, I digress.

Sadly, Ashley looks through her father's photographs in his office. She finds a suspicious letter written to John that states her father refused to sell his shares in the business. Ohh! Maybe John is her father's killer! Out of nowhere, John walks in and Ashley tells him that he has no right to touch her father's things in his office. Ashley leaves and John begins playing with his gun.

Only 20 minutes into this film and I am like:


Le Sigh.

The next day, Ashley takes a morning shower. Suddenly, she hears a strange noise and decides to go investigate wearing her towel.

Wow. This writer is SUPER original.

Horror movie cliche' on fleek. 

As she enters her bedroom, she sees her ballerina snowglobe playing weirdly on its own. She hurriedly hits the home alarm. Within seconds, Detective Pierson of the Lifetime Police Department arrives. He asks what happened and she tells him about the mysterious snowglobe. Ashley believes someone was in the house. Because of course he does, Detective Pierson brushes her off and leaves. Back in his car, Detective Pierson calls in for more information on Mr. Bennett's death. He learns that Mr. Bennett died from cerebral trauma caused by blunt force.

Detective Pierson looks super thrilled to star in "The Stepchild."

Later, Ashley meets up with her boyfriend Michael. Michael tells Ashley she was with him the morning her father was killed. Apparently, she told Michael that her father was planning to end their relationship and she vowed she would not let that happen. Michael assures Ashley he did not tell this to the Lifetime Police Department.

Military Husband: THE BOYFRIEND IS INVOLVED!

Me:


Back at home, Beth tells Ashley the mission truck is coming to pick up boxes from her dad's study and she needs to decide what she wants to keep. Damn, that was fast. The worms are not even settled into her husband yet and Beth is tossing out everything quicker than I can say this movie blows chunks.

So much for Beth mourning.


In the study, Ashley finds a lock box that belongs to John with a picture of a woman, a wedding ring and a gun. Ashley realizes that John was married before. She quickly closes the box, but not before dropping one of the woman's pictures. On the way to see her father's estate attorney, Ashley asks Beth if John was married before. Beth said John was, but his ex was involved in an accidental death.

Well, well, well, there sure are a lot of accidents going on around John.

I look over at Military Husband and he is like:

No, nothing to offer this time?
#hmpf 

At her father's office, Ashley runs into Linda, an employee. Linda tells Ashley she knew "something that was going on" and wants to talk in private. She and Ashley are to meet the next day at Perry Coffee House. While they are talking, Ashley realizes that John is listening. Then, Ashley meets with the estate attorney who tells her that the majority shares have been left to Beth. The remainder are placed in trust for Ashley for when she turns 21. Ashley also learns the business cannot be sold without Beth's consent. Immediately, Ashley accuses John of wanting to sell the business and Beth takes John's side.

Thus, Ashley thinks John killed her father because he would not sell the business and staged it to look like a home invasion.

#LAME #borednow

Oh Lifetime writers:


Later, Ashley meets up with Michael. They both search online for information about John's ex wife, Renee'. Renee' filed for divorce from John and then died in a car accident because of faulty brakes. Now Ashley is CERTAIN John is a killer. The next day, Ashley leaves to meet Linda at the Perry Coffee House, but, BUT Linda never shows. Ashley finds out Linda's address from a receptionist at her father's office. She goes to Linda's home and finds:

Linda assuming the Lifetime position!

At the police station, Detective Pierson tells Ashley that Linda's body is not in her home. Ashley tells him that John killed his ex-wife and Linda. Detective Pierson tells Ashley that there was a recall of the car of the exact same make and model John's ex Renee' was driving. Beth and John arrive and John tells Ashley that Linda put in a request for vacation a week ago. They take Ashley home and she dreams of having her father's blood on her hands. At the same time, Beth tells John that Ashley's mother had schizophrenia and killed herself when Ashley was only 6 years old. They both decide that Ashley needs to be under the care of Dr. Vaughn.

And I am like:

Is Ashley involved? Did she kill her father?
#soconfused

The next day, Ashley goes to see Dr. Vaughn. Dr. Vaughn tells her this is all post traumatic stress from her father's death. Dr. Vaughn prescribes sleeping pills and sends Ashley on her way. Once Ashley returns home, Michael calls and tells Ashley that after John's wife died her sister filed a wrongful death suit. Michael left a message for the sister and will let Ashley know what happens. Meanwhile, John is ready to celebrate. The probate has been released and Beth can sell the family home. Pop the champagne! Beth's husband is dead and she has all his money.

Is Beth involved?
She sure isn't sad that her husband is 6 feet under.

Ashley grabs a glass and proceeds to guzzle champagne. She becomes woozy from all the pills and booze and decides to lay down. When she wakes, Michael is calling. He tells Ashley that John definitely killed Renee'. Suddenly, Michael is interrupted by an intruder. Ashley panics and drives off to help Michael.

Of course, Ashley is high so:


And she crashes into a tree. She wakes up in the hospital while Dr. Vaughn is telling John and Beth that Ashley's behavior is consistent with paranoid schizophrenia. She wants to put Ashley into a long term mental facility. The next day, Detective Pierson visits Ashley and gives her a note written by Michael that reads "Gone To L.A." He also tells Ashley he does not think she is crazy, but he needs her to remember what happened. Ashley becomes upset and is immediately medicated. Dr. Vaughn tells Ashley that she is being moved to another facility. Ashley cleverly spits out the medicine she is given and escapes the hospital!

Not going to lie, your girl is like:


I want to know who killed Ashley's dad. Was it the boyfriend, John and Beth or Ashley?

Back at the house, Beth catches John on the phone talking about having a "situation under control." She then sees John getting his gun out of the lockbox. John starts calling for Beth and suddenly he is knocked out! Ashley returns home and finds the bloody globe. And she also finds Beth and Michael. Beth asks if Ashley remembers what happened. Ashley cannot! And Beth then tells Ashley it was all an accident.

An accident as in Ashley's dad came in and caught Michael and Beth having sex! But, BUT, wait. Isn't Michael like 16?

And Beth is like 50?


LIFETIME IS TRULY A SEX OFFENDER REGISTRY GONE WILD.

Plus, it is really #ewwwwwww.


This is seriously so traumatizing.

Anyhoo, when Beth was "caught in the act," Ashley's father threatened to divorce Beth. Thus, Michael hit him with the snowglobe. He also killed Linda because Linda warned Ashley's father Beth was cheating on him. Michael staged everything to look like a home invasion and to make it seem Ashley was going crazy. Finally, Beth tells Ashley she has loose ends to tie up and shoots Michael in the head. She runs after Ashley and they struggle, but out of nowhere:


John shoots Beth!


Thankfully, Beth avoided registration and sticking a sign in her yard that reads "I Like Em' Young" by assuming the good ole fashioned Lifetime position. 

In conclusion, Ashley apologizes to John. The two live happily ever and Ashley is now the CEO of her father's business.

And Military Husband is like:


And I am all:


Eh, I have to be honest, friends. The movie was donkey shit horrible, but the twist was a huge surprise. Decent job on keeping me guessing, Lifetime writers! 

Now, could you just do this with all your other movies, stop with the #ewwww pervy story lines and for goodness sake, make the Lifetime Police Department competent?


No? That's what I thought.

Anddddddddd roll credits.

Did you watch "The Stepchild"? Do you think Lifetime has gone overboard on all these adults sleeping with teenagers story lines? Let me know in the comments below!

Checking myself into a mental institution for a Lifetime, I am,

31 comments:

  1. And the list gets longer...haha! Must watch!

    God bless,

    XO, Claire

    Http://www.littlemissfashionqueen.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Even though it's probably borderline too much. I have to watch it now, it's like ''Don't push the red button!'' stuff...haha

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    2. LMAO!! We need to have a Lifetime watch party!! With wine!! :)

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  2. Hehe, I'm sure your synopsis is sooooooo much better than the film....although I'd be up fur a bottle of wine and a lap to snuggle up to if you wants to set up a viewing?
    Loves and licky kisses
    Princess Leah xxx

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  3. MOL MOL Princess Leah cracks me up!!
    You for sure need a lot of w(h)ine and cheese when watching one of those movies.
    Hugs madi your bfff

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  4. My favourite part about these shows are your GIFs!

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  5. Hahaha I tried to watch this and I just couldn't get through it.

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    Replies
    1. Don't subject your child to this nonsense! She can hear through the womb! Lol

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  6. Wow, what drama, right?! I've, quite frankly, found that these movies are NEVER as interesting during watching as they are in your descriptions. In fact, I'd rather just read your posts than watch any of the movies. There were a couple I liked...but usually they're the ones that were independent films that Lifetime bought the rights to--like the one about the real-life honeymoon cruise and the other one about the guy who locked women up in his basement and made them cook for him.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LOL! They are truly painful to watch sometimes. But, I've learned how to make the best of it! As an aside, Military Husband had me tape "And Then There Were None" last night (based on Agatha Christie's story).....it suckedddd! We didn't make it through 10 minutes!

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  7. We were thinkin' the 'Hamlet' plot to begin with. Sounds like another film to miss.

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  8. You make these pile of horse manure so entertaining :) I am glad it had a twist but I am sure you still needed lots of wine to watch it. LOL

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    Replies
    1. Oh it was still awful! The twist was the only decent part!! Xxoo

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  9. Whaa? Even I didn't see that one coming...! Although I was hoping Ashley and John ended up doing the nasty and getting married. HA Lame, CEO of the company...!

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    Replies
    1. Lol! You should write for Lifetime. That's a much better ending!

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  10. I am with Mili Hubby, I would see Dan Scott and be wondering where the rest of the One Tree Hill cast was....Thanks for the giggles!!

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  11. Watching a LMN movie with you just made it to the top of my bucket list. xoxo

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  12. Ooh, a twist at the end? So not like Lifetime. Love your GIF's with this one!

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  13. The Death Becomes Her gif was my fav.

    I could write better trashy lifetime movies in my sleep. It's like they're not even trying anymore.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hahaha! I LOVE that movie.

      I know, I know. They really aren't!!

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  14. I really need to remind myself not to read your Lifetime posts while drinking coffee. I almost spit all over my keyboard. Thank you again for saving me from having to watch.

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  15. I LOVE that your husband knows who Dan Scott is!

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    Replies
    1. LMFAO! He loved that show. And don't get him started on Veronica Mars...another favorite of his. Apparently, these shows were great comfort to him during deployments!

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