March 6, 2016

Lifetime Movie Network Island Of Lost Dreams: Nightmare Nurse



On Saturday, Military Husband and I planned to party, and by party I mean finish House of Cards Season 4. Let's put it this way, I planned to finish the series. Military Husband had a different idea.

Military Husband: Why don't you watch your show then we can watch House of Cards tomorrow uninterrupted.

Me: 


Military Husband: Go on, get it over with. I'm trying to help you!

Me: Le Sigh.

Folks, the party came to a screeching halt when this came on my television screen:

Oh look, it is Lifetime's OG plot device - crazy bitch. 

"Nightmare Nurse" stars Traci Lords as Nurse Barb. You know, as in former adult film star Traci Lords. She once looked like this:


Now, she looks like this:


Hey, porn stars get old too.

Like every week, I give a plot roundup for those of you who like to fast forward to the "dancing" in Magic Mike XXL and ignore the Oscar winning dialogue #shameonyou. Basically, "Nightmare Nurse" was like watching a porn movie without any of the sex scenes. 


Right. And it was two hours long and the first twenty-two minutes passed without ONE.SINGLE.COMMERICAL. I was just like:

Lifetime just is not fair. #filthybastards

We open "Nightmare Nurse" with our protagonist Brooke cooking at a restaurant. As an aside, do you not just love the word protagonist? It is a nice fifty cent word, right? 

Got it from a "word of the day" calendar, beeyatch.

Bask in my verbiage. 
#with50centwords #orwith50cent

Marco, a would-be Gordon Ramsay, appoints Brooke the new sous chef. Brooke is thrilled and her boyfriend, Lance, brings her flowers and a salted caramel cake to celebrate. The two enjoy rounds of tequila shots and then head right to the car to drive home. 

Way to teach responsibility, Lifetime.

Probably how most actors prepare before auditioning for Lifetime.

On the way home, Lance does everything BUT pay attention and/or be a responsible driver. Brooke feeds Lance her cake and the two stare into each other's eyes. Suddenly, Lance mows down a man in the road! And I am all:


Let the nightmare begin. 

Brooke wakes up in the hospital and Nurse Barb explains what happened. Brooke goes to Lance's recovery room and Lance's leg is in bad shape. Then, Detective Thames of the Lifetime Police Department arrives. Oh man, when any member of the Lifetime Police Department shows, I know the fun is officially over.

Um, how many drinks did Detective Thames have before going on duty?
#threesheetstothewind

Detective Thames tells them both that everything is fine and dandy even though some poor stranger is now worm food. He explains that Lance's blood alcohol level was below the legal limit so all he needs is a statement. And I am all:


Excuse me? What about the fact that Lance was busy eating cake instead of paying attention to the road? Or the fact that his hands were nowhere near the wheel? Is he not AT LEAST going to get a ticket for reckless and careless? Negligent homicide? C'MON LIFETIME POLICE DEPARTMENT! 

Are you ever going to stop being so incompetent?

#alrightythen

Due to his injuries, Lance needs a in-home nurse for two weeks and Nurse Barb arranges everything. The next morning, Nurse Chloe arrives. 

Are we sure she is a real nurse?
Or is she one of those strip-o-gram nurses? 

And Lance tells Brooke, "I didn't know Maxim magazine staffed nurses." Wow, Lance, just wow. Not only did you just kill someone, now you are telling your girlfriend that you want to play put the cheese in the Ritz cracker with Nurse Chloe. 

I am like, Lance:


Dump him, Brooke.

The phone rings and Brooke gets called into work. Nurse Chloe suggests she spend the day with Lance as a trial run. Without even checking her references or background, Brooke leaves Lance under the care of a Lifetime psycho bitch Nurse Chloe. Once she returns home, Brooke is so impressed that Nurse Chloe has done laundry, she hires her. Brooke even gets Nurse Chloe some pasta from the restaurant to take home. Nurse Chloe leaves and tosses the pasta straight into the garbage. Once home, Nurse Chloe and her boyfriend James first argue and then start making out.

By this point, after nearly half an hour has passed, all I can think is:

"And I turned off House of Cards to watch THIS."

This may become a problem.
#butrehabisforquitterstho

The next day, Brooke finds the pasta in the trash and complains to her coworker Connie. Meanwhile, Nurse Chloe is helping Lance with muscle atrophy by giving him an erotic hand massage. Afterwards, Nurse Chloe suggests the two enjoy a dinner of thai food. Lance is thrilled and chimes in that Brooke hates thai food. The two enjoy their meal and discuss their love life. Lance divulges that he asked Brooke to marry him, but she said no and Nurse Chloe tells Lance that her boyfriend does not treat her like a princess. How fascinating. While Brooke is off working to pay the bills, Lance is having a nice little cozy dinner date with Nurse Chlamydia (which she shall forever be known as).

Bet he has not given ONE.SINGLE.FUCK about that poor man he ran down with his car.

Lance. I hate you.

When does the "Nightmare" part of this movie start?
#LanceneedstoassumetheLifetimeposition #stat

Finally, Brooke returns home. She offers Nurse Chlamydia some food to take home, but Nurse Chlamydia tells her about the thai food date. Brooke then asks if Nurse Chlamydia as food allergies. Nurse Chlamydia tells her no and she loved the pasta Brooke sent home with her. After Nurse Chlamydia leaves, Brooke expresses her concerns to Lance, but because of course he does not, Lance feels nothing is wrong with Nurse Chlamydia. Meanwhile, Nurse Chlamydia is home stalking Lance on social media because you know:


The next day, Gwen, Lance's attorney, tells Lance and Brooke that the man they hit had alcohol in his blood stream. Therefore, Lance will most likely not be charged with anything. Unbeknownst to Gwen, Lance was already like:


That he killed a man. He is more worried about seeing what Nurse Chlamydia has in her nurse's station, if you know what I mean. Ba dum dum, tss!

Speaking of Nurse Chlamydia, she finally arrives and Lance tells her how great her perfume smells. Nurse Chlamydia helps Lance change clothes and gives him another massage. When she notices some random food on Lance's chest, she licks it off. Lance does not question or stop her. Later, Lance is sleeping and this happens:


Lance wakes up surprised and upset. Nurse Chlamydia tells him that she broke up with her boyfriend. Further, Nurse Chlamydia says Lance has been giving her mixed messages, you know, like having thai food dates with her, allowing her to lick his chest and REALLY enjoying her erotic massages. Nurse Chlamydia begs Lance not to fire her and Lance tells her to go home.

At this point, I look over at Military Husband and he has his soundproof headphones on. He notices me glaring at him and is all:


Really? REALLY? #pouts

The next day, Nurse Chlamydia is researching how to overdose on oxycodone. #YESSSSS the "Nightmare" part begins soon! Nurse Chlamydia arrives at work and is extremely cold towards Lance. Brooke decides to come home early. When she arrives, Brooke finds Lance possibly assuming the Lifetime position!

What I look like after watching a Lifetime movie.

She tells Nurse Chlamydia to call 911. At the hospital, Nurse Barb thinks Nurse Chlamydia drugged Lance. Lance tells Brooke that Nurse Chlamydia made a pass at him. But, BUT, what about all the passes you made at Nurse Chlamydia, Lance? And we are one hour into this movie and NO ONE is dead yet?

This movie, I am like:


Oh great, Detective Thames has returned. He informs Brooke and Lance that Nurse Chlamydia had issues from her past and is on anti-depressants. She had an affair with a successful actor in Brentwood who injured himself on set. When she found out the actor was married, Nurse Chlamydia went crazy, destroyed his home and left him immobile without food or a phone. Nevertheless, the charges were dropped. Lance tells Detective Thames he does not want to press charges either. Brooke is furious. She tells Lance it is his fault for "bonding" with Nurse Chlamydia over thai food and erotic massages.

And Brooke totally gives Lance the stank eye before leaving the hospital.

Maybe, MAYBE, Brooke will bring the nightmare.


On the way out, Brooke runs into Nurse Chlamydia. She accuses Nurse Chlamydia of drugging Lance and fires her. Nurse Chlamydia starts blowing up Lance's cell phone apologizing and heads to Lance's house. Brooke arrives home and finds the kitchen completely destroyed. Meanwhile, Nurse Chlamydia is at the hospital pretending to be a staff nurse. She leaves flowers for Lance. Brooke arrives back at the hospital and is angry no one stopped Nurse Chlamydia. Nurse Barb tells Brooke that she will assist Lance at home on her days off and I am like:


This sounds suspicious. Why is Nurse Barb being so helpful? And Brooke is AGAIN allowing a stranger in her home without doing a background check? #DUMBASS #NurseBarbisSOinvolved

Later, Gwen tells Lance that she filed the restraining order on his behalf against Nurse Chlamydia. Gwen also plans to make sure Nurse Chlamydia's nursing days are over. However, on Gwen's way to the parking garage, Nurse Chlamydia attacks Gwen and:

Gwen assumes the Lifetime position.

Brooke and Lance learn that Gwen is in a coma in the hospital. They do not think Nurse Chlamydia had anything to do with Gwen's accident despite the fact that she is the only one with a history of being a crazy bitch in this movie. And I am like:


Later that evening, Nurse Barb is with Lance and the doorbell rings. Nurse Chlamydia arrives and she wants to apologize to Lance. She swears she did not poison him. Nurse Barb tells her to leave. Later on, Detective Thames and his partner find Chloe unconscious. The next morning, Nurse Barb calls Brooke and tells her Nurse Chlamydia tried to commit suicide. Then, she goes into the hospital room with Nurse Chlamydia and tells her she is disappointed. Nurse Barb paid Nurse Chlamydia to mess with Lance! And, she switched Nurse Chlamydia's anti-depressants with placebo to make her go all crazy bitch. Nurse Chlamydia tells Nurse Barb she is going to the Lifetime Police Department. Nurse Barb tells Nurse Chlamydia she killed James and then, she drugs Nurse Chlamydia.

The former porn star did it, with the oxycodone, in the hospital.
#CLUEsolved #BOOM

Nurse Barb heads to Lance's home. She feeds him cookies that are laced with drugs. Then, she tells Lance that the stranger he killed was her fiance'! Brooke arrives home and she and Nurse Barb fight. Brooke is knocked out cold when suddenly, Nurse Chlamydia comes in with a gun. Nurse Barb struggles with Nurse Chlamydia and drugs her again. But, BUT, Brooke wakes and knocks Barb out!

We then move forward to six weeks later in Lifetime Land. Lance proposes to Brooke by placing a ring inside a salted caramel cake box and Brooke says yes. #AWWWWWWW

But what about Nurse Chlamydia? And Nurse Barb? And did anyone go to James's funeral? And did Lance ever get into trouble for mowing that poor guy down? No, we are not addressing any of this?

These movies.


Andddddddddddd roll credits.

Did you watch "Nightmare Nurse"? What would you do if your spouse had a good looking nurse hit on him/her? Would you fire them? Would you be angry if your spouse allowed said nurse to lick them/give them erotic massages? Let me know in the comments below!

In critical condition because Lifetime has nursed me to death, but I remain,




29 comments:

  1. I started House of Cards season 4 yesterday, and just got done with the first episode so far. Season 3 disappointed me, mainly because Frank didn't do anything "eviL" that season. Nothing like the car scene, or the one with the train.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Right? Well, Season 4 starts out pretty slow and it gets better towards the end. We still haven't watched the last episode yet!! I don't think I like it as much as I did 1 and 2. Hopefully, Season 5 will be its last season and we will have some conclusion to it all!

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  2. The list of things I need to watch that you recommend keeps getting longer! I need to make time!

    God bless,

    XO, Claire

    Http://www.littlemissfashionqueen.com


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    Replies
    1. Lol! You just reminded me, I need to finish War and Peace!!

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  3. Now this, I could totally watch!! But I would want your version being made...! Nurse Chlamydia hahaha

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    Replies
    1. Right! She heals with an STD! Evil awaits...

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  4. My peeps are binge watching House of Cards...I don't mind 'cos it means extra snuggle time!
    Loves and licky kisses
    Princess Leah xxx

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  5. Those NeNe memes are perfect! I can't believe you make these shows seem watchable! We didn't have a chance to start HOC, but I can't wait!!

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  6. Mom watched Madam Secretary last night a Hallmark movie....but oh is she so excited to watch the Downton Abbey finale this afternoon. My peeps love love love that show and are so bummed it is
    O V E R
    Hugs madi your bfff

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  7. These posts are the best part of my Monday!!

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  8. Traci Lords looks rough. Yes, porn stars get old for sure, haha.

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    Replies
    1. She does! But hey, I admire her for finding more mainstream work, even if it is Lifetime.

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  9. It seems as if Traci Lords is still screwing people. #SorryNotSorry

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  10. Oy, they're getting worse instead of better. Thanks for taking one for the team! Again.

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    1. I feel that way! What happened to the good old movies! Did you ever see that made for TV movie Lace? Back in the 80s with phoebe cates? Omg I loved!! Now that was a good cheesy movie!

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  11. I just keep thinking of all of these movie stars whose husbands cheat on them with the nanny...HIRE UGLY NANNIES, people! Same with nurses. I guess when you get your in-home nurses from former porn stars, that's what happens.

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    1. I totally agree. Why hire a hot nanny? Like I'm not hiring a ScarJo lookalike to take care of my kids, lol.

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  12. Did you start War & Peace? If so, did you like it?!

    God bless,

    XO, Claire

    Http://www.littlemissfashionqueen.com

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    Replies
    1. I have and I love it! Just need to finish it!!

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  13. LMAO Nurse Chlamydia! I have house of cards in my que to watch. So many shows so little time :/

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    Replies
    1. I have all this time on my hands! All I do is watch tv it's sad lol. I got a Ph.D. for this!! Bahaha

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  14. Wait, that's how it ends??? WHAT??

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    Replies
    1. I know. It's like the writers just say "well this has to end somewhere sooooo...this will work!"
      Hahaha

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