March 23, 2016

Lifetime Movie Network Ever After: Mommy's Little Girl



After seeing a succession of Netflix Daredevil Season 2 recaps on my blog, you might have thought I forgot about Lifetime's Saturday Evening Shitshow Masterpiece. 


As a matter of fact, every single time Military Husband scrolled through our list of DVR recordings, it haunted me. It was staring at me like:


Right. Lifetime certainly does not forget me.

Saturday's movie was titled "Mommy's Little Girl" and it was Lifetime's "gift" to sexually active single folks. Basically, it was one big form of free birth control. That is right; this movie was all about a demon spawn bad little girl named Sadie. 

Now, being a horror movie aficionado, there are two things I have learned about bad and/or evil children: 

1)  You need to stay the fuck away from them. 

The fact that his name was Damien wasn't her first clue?

AND

2) If you happen to be their parent, you REALLY need to stay the fuck away from them. 

He just wants to "play" with you.

Typically all evil children are the product of poor parenting. And since Lifetime is the Land O'Crappy Parents, we can expect little Sadie to be a raging hellcat.


"Mommy's Little Girl" opens with 10 year old Sadie playing with a doll outside a farmhouse. Sadie grabs her doll and says:

"Bad things come to girls with bad thoughts." 

and 

"Bad girls with bad thoughts get punished."

The doll is thinking get this crazy bitch away from me.

Translation?


And here you thought a trip to Chuck E Cheese on a Saturday afternoon was better than a box of condoms.

Inside the farmhouse, Sadie and her grandmother wait for Sadie's mother, Theresa to arrive. Sadie's father, Kyle, passed away ten years ago and Theresa has not seen her daughter since she was born. Why you ask?

Let's just say Theresa was a little "busy":


Regardless, Theresa is three years sober and ready to take care of Sadie. Sadie gathers all her belongings aside from a box that is in the basement. She does not want to retrieve it because she is afraid.

Not too long ago, Sadie's grandfather had an "accident" in the basement that ended with:

PawPaw assuming the Lifetime position.

As you might have guessed, Little Sadie was responsible. You see, PawPaw was angry at Sadie for fooling around with his lighter and burning things. Little Firebug Sadie did not want to stop so PawPaw went for a ride down a flight of stairs.

Gosh, kids are just great, aren't they?


Theresa takes Sadie to home and Sadie meets Theresa's fiance' Aaron, a vice-president of a toy company. Sadie learns she will be a bridesmaid in her mother's wedding and she has a stepbrother, Josh. They enjoy lunch and are one big happy family. Theresa and Aaron are thrilled to have this little bundle of joy around the house.

Later that night, Sadie starts playing with her trusty cigarette lighter again.

Everyone loves a little pyromaniac.

Theresa sees Sadie with the lighter and stops her. Instead of being worried that Sadie will burn down her home while she sleeps, Theresa is convinced this is just a transition period for Sadie.

Oh Theresa:


Back at the farmhouse, Sadie's grandmother is pissed. While Theresa was sobering up, she had to take care of little Sadie. It was expensive and besides:


Sadie's grandmother decides she is asking Theresa for compensation for time served as Sadie's keeper.

A few days later, Sadie goes to her first day of school. A couple of children in the class, Alliree and Dylan, tease and taunt Sadie. Sadie threatens Dylan that he will get what he deserves and begins stabbing her doll with a pencil which basically means:


But, BUT, since Dylan is a Lifetime child, he is inherently stupid and ignores her warning. Theresa picks up Sadie from school and Ms. Goldin, Sadie's teacher, tells Theresa some of the children were bullying Sadie. Theresa seems concerned, and takes Sadie to work with her at a hair salon. While at the salon, Sadie grabs a pair of scissors and angrily cuts off all her doll's hair.

We are only 30 minutes into the movie and Sadie is playing with fire, threatening kids in her class and abusing her doll. 

All I can think is that Sadie REALLY needs to spend the day with The Walking Dead's Carol.

Carol has no fucks to give when it comes to bad children.

Back at the house, Sadie's grandmother is waiting to ask Theresa for money since she had to deal with Demon Child Sadie all those years. She whispers to Sadie that she can tell Theresa is already getting sick of Sadie. 

Wow, just poke the belly of the beast Grandma.


Theresa, Sadie's grandmother and Sadie all go to the neighborhood park. Sadie goes to explore, but really she is listening to her grandmother asking Theresa for money. Then, Sadie asks her grandmother to play hide and seek with her. When she refuses, Sadie tells her grandmother she knows a secret about Aaron. Sadie leads her grandmother into the woods near a cliff and then, this happens:


Sadie pushes her grandmother off to assume the Lifetime position.

At this point, I am not sure why I was surprised. It is just like when The Avengers wondered why in the world Ultron wanted death and destruction.


Because he was evil. And so is Sadie. 

The next day, there is a funeral for Sadie's grandmother. Sadie tells Theresa and Aaron she needs time alone with her grandmother. Over her coffin, Sadie whispers:

"You were a bad grandma. You deserve what you get."

Incidentally, Sadie has all the earmarkings (aka Unhinged Sociopathic Murderess) of being a future supervillian.

Sadie = Suicide Squad recruit.

Back at school, it is show and tell time. What did Sadie bring to school? Her cigarette lighter, of course.


Sadie tells her classmates that it protected her PawPaw during the war, but it was of no use when he fell down the stairs and died.

Oh that Sadie is a charmer.


While the other children head to recess, Sadie stays behind to rummage through Ms. Goldin's purse. She discovers an epi pen marked "NUT ALLERGY." Later that afternoon, Sadie asks her tutor Lisa what an epi pen is used for and Lisa explains it is a shot used during an allergic reaction. Lisa further explains that some allergies are so severe that people can die. Sadie is listening intently, making mental notes.

This cannot be good.


The next day at school, Dylan taunts Sadie again. When recess begins, Sadie sneaks in the classroom and steals Dylan's action figures. Dylan accuses Sadie of stealing the toys, but Sadie denies everything. Later that afternoon, Sadie takes the action figures home and begins burning them. Then, Sadie and Theresa head to the cake shop to taste wedding cakes. While at the cake shop, Sadie learns that one piece of cake they are taking home is marzipan, which contains almonds (DING DING DING: I wonder who is going to get that cake.). Later that evening, Theresa and Aaron have dinner and Josh babysits Sadie. Sadie tries to play with Josh, but Josh ignores her. Thus, Sadie begins torturing her doll again.

Now I know why Chucky was always pissed off.


At school, Dylan is shocked to find this:


He immediately accuses Sadie of taping the burned action figure to his locker. Ms. Goldin asks who was responsible and no one answers. She then brings in Sadie's parents for a conference and tells them about Sadie's behavior with Dylan. Ms. Goldin tells Sadie to give Dylan back his action figures. Sadie swears she did not take them. 

Suddenly, Sadie starts hallucinating that Ms. Goldin is yelling at Sadie, accusing her of killing her grandparents and lying and threatens to send her to jail.

And I am like:


Thus, Sadie decides Ms. Goldin MUST die. After class, Sadie follows Ms. Goldin and finds out her street address from some mail lying in Ms. Goldin's front seat. Sadie does a SwiftySearch for Ms. Goldin's address online.

And I am like, wait a minute. Lifetime has used SwiftySearch before in:


It seems The Bride He Bought Online and Mommy's Little Girl were both written by Christine Conradt. Shout to to Christine for providing us this entertainment!

Anyhoo, Sadie takes the cake laced with nuts from the fridge and heads to Ms. Goldin's home. She tells Ms. Goldin she has Dylan's action figures and a present for her, a piece of cake, to say she is sorry. She wants to talk to Ms. Goldin about something "bad" and Ms. Goldin invites Sadie into her home. While Ms. Goldin goes to her kitchen to grab two forks, Sadie hides the epi pen.

Ms. Goldin sits down is all:


Without even ONCE asking if the cake contained nuts. Really Ms. Goldin, REALLY? #dumbass

Ms. Goldin realizes she is going into anaphylactic shock and immediately panics. She tries to find her epi pen. Then, she grabs her phone and hands it to Sadie. 

Sadie pretends she is calling 911, sneers and says: "Ms. Goldin is going to die!"


THEN, Sadie holds her hands over Ms. Goldin's mouth and smothers her.

And I am like:


As Sadie is leaving, a neighbor discovers Ms. Goldin's body. Lisa is driving in the neighborhood and sees Sadie on her bike, hurriedly leaving the crime scene. Sadie disposes of the remaining cake and action figures. When she returns home, she tells Josh that she was playing at her friend Samantha's house.

Wow. This 10 year old girl even knows to destroy evidence and invent an alibi. On that note, I am like:


The next day, Sadie dresses for Theresa's bridal shower. As they are leaving, Theresa asks Josh to grab her lipgloss she left on Sadie's bed. He goes into Sadie's room and finds:


Josh, I am not trying to tell you what to do, but:


At the bridal shower, Lisa tells Aaron that she saw Sadie riding her bike three miles away from their house (OVER BY THE CRIME SCENE!). Also, Lisa has never heard Sadie mention a friend named Samantha. When they return home, Josh tells Aaron about the picture Sadie drew of Dylan hanging. Aaron seems concerned, but says nothing. 

Therefore, Aaron knows that Sadie has been acting out at school, has lied to him about her whereabouts and is drawing pictures of her killing a fellow classmate. 

But, BUT, he does absolutely nothing.

Who is the stupidest Lifetime stepfather?


At school, Sadie and her classmates learn that Ms. Goldin died. The school counselor tell a class full of 10 year olds that the police are investigating Ms. Goldin's death. This leads to the children asking if Ms. Goldin was murdered.

You might be thinking why would ANYONE in the education system tell small children the police were out investigating the murder of their teacher?


Because this is Lifetime and we are supposed to suspend all belief of plausible logistics.

Aaron picks up Sadie from class that afternoon because Theresa has to work. He asks Sadie about Samantha's last name and Sadie tells him she is not sure. Then, he asks Sadie what Samantha's address is and Sadie replies she does not know and her "tummy hurts." At home, Aaron asks where Sadie went on Saturday because he knows there is no "friend" named Samantha. Sadie is furious and locks herself in the bathroom. Aaron finds the picture of Dylan hanging and Sadie escapes to the kitchen.

Out of nowhere, Sadie hits Aaron with a bat!

Aaron, your stupidity caused you to assume the Lifetime position.

Theresa arrives home and Sadie grabs a knife. Aaron wakes up and they both ask Sadie about her laundry list of crimes. Sadie admits she killed her grandparents and Ms. Goldin because they were going to ruin everything and put her in a place for bad kids. After Theresa begs and pleads, Sadie puts the knife down.

In the final scene of the movie, we see Sadie in a mental institution. Theresa visits her every weekend, and Sadie lives happily ever after in a cell.

And that, my friends, is the true life story of little Jodie Arias.


Just kidding. But really tho, Little Sadie has quite a future reeking havoc and terrorizing the streets of Gotham.


Oh. And by the way, Military Husband was none too pleased with the ending.

Military Husband: Damn, I wanted her to blow everything up.

Apparently, Military Husband thinks every movie should end in a James Wan-style explosion with a final slow-mo walk by the cast.


And really, who doesn't?

Anddddddddddd roll credits.

Did you watch "Mommy's Little Girl"? Do evil kid movies scare you? Let me know in the comments below!

The kids are alright, but not on Lifetime and I am,


40 comments:

  1. Evil KIDS scare me. And evil dolls, clowns, and basically anything that shouldn't be evil. I think even Cujo showed that dogs can even be freakin' scary when they're evil! This might actually be one Lifetime movie I'll watch...

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    1. Lol! The acting was kind of bad. But yeah, watch it! They always have the movies on the app and On Demand after it's over!

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  2. OMD...CHUCKY!!!!! You knows, Ma has a Chucky doll??! Yuppers...I know...something is REALLY wrong with her....Anyhu, I thinks Ma is gonna stream this one...looks like it might be worth seein' all the peeps in the 'Lifetime position'! BOL!!! love that...
    Kisses,
    Ruby ♥

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    1. For real, a Good Guy Doll? Mom is sooo cool!! I like Bride of Chucky. Sadly, I have seen ALL those movies. You can't be a true horror movie fan if you don't endure them all! LOL

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  3. I am scared shitless of Chucky...! Although I used to love the first Childs Play. But seriously, this movie was soo good until the ending, agreed with Mili Hubby, she should have killed everyone or something like that. HA

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    1. Hahahahaha. Man I must have made this movie MUCH better than it actually was! The acting was HORRIBLE. Maybe I do need to start script writing.
      Anyhoo, I totally agree. There needed to be an explosive ending. Those are always fun. I like it when the villain gets away for a sequel. But not a Lifetime sequel...no....oh HELL no.

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  4. I hate scary movies with little kids and dolls. I agree with your husband - what a stupid ending. But your recap was hilarious as usual!

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    1. Aw thanks!!! I try!! If it doesn't make me or Military Husband laugh, I don't put them up! xxoo

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  5. Sounds like Sadie is the spawn of Satan!

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  6. OMG this movie was so bad. I seriously only watched it because of you and my poor husband spent the whole movie saying "There are actual good movies we could watch honey!" I said yes, but Miliwife is going to write about this and for once I want to see the movie and know WTH she is talking about.
    Girl, if all the movies are this bad, I worry for your sanity. My dog, Sadie now has a complex and I have noticed she is spending extra time by the fire. I may have to hide the lighters.

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  7. There is nothing scarier than evil kids haha and that crazed look they get in their eyes.

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  8. Wait some girl is called Alliree and she has the balls to make fun of other kids?

    LOL at assuming the Lifetime position. I'm going to start using that.

    I have to remember to start watching Lifetime movies. And to send them my ideas for new movies.

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    1. Omg I know. THAT NAME! I had to go on IMDB to figure out the spelling when they said the name.
      Please do! They need fresh ideas!!!

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  9. I haven't gotten over Chuckie the knife welding marionette. Your review is always 100X better than the movie. Maybe you need to write the scripts.
    MOL
    Hugs madi and mom

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  10. Sadie sounds frightening. Holy crap. I remember watching those Chucky movies when I was younger!

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  11. Creepy kid movies are the worst. Tiny little psychopaths. No thank you!

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    1. Right? Did you hear they are making ANOTHER Ring movie? More Samara in our near future!!

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  12. Gawd I hate scary movies---even cheesy ones like this would give me nightmares!

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  13. I am so happy to see that you were able to review another thrilling Lifetime movie. I actually read what was on this weekend to prepare. That is probably exactly how Jodi Arias was a little girl. That crazy b$%ch wasted a year of my life! We were obsessed with that trial.

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    1. LMFAO. It's all I could think of when I saw Little Sadie. Surely she will grow up to be another Jodie Arias. Or a future Harley Quinn. Hahahaha.
      This weekend's movie is about a drunk teenager. GOSH THAT IS SO ORIGINAL!!!

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  14. I'm sure your DVR is full of Lifetime Shows! Haha!

    God bless,

    XO, Claire

    Http://www.littlemissfashionqueen.com

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  15. Thought the reference to JA was hilarious! I don't think I'd want to watch this one...some are so cheesy that I do want to watch--just for mindless entertainment. I think I'd be too freaked out by this. LOL!

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    1. Lol! Hahaha well, you know she's always been crazy!!
      Xxoo

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  16. Movies like this creep me out! LOL Didn't seem to terrible as far as lifetime movies go.

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  17. I can't look at my grandaughter's "Barbie Stylin Head" without thinking of the end of the movie Seven. I watched TOO many horror movies in my day.

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    1. Haha, yes! I love that movie! Truly a classic.

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  18. I love evil kid movies, but I agree. The ending sounds a little too tidy. Hopefully there's a sequel coming!

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    1. Oh right, please don't wish that off on me Karen. A sequel??? Mommy's Little Girl 2?? LOL! NOOOOOO!!!!

      Maybe there will be a Daddy's Little Boy. Hahaha

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  19. The GIFs are perfect. The movie was very creepy and retarded

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