March 28, 2016

Lifetime Movie Network Book Of Shadows: The Perfect Daughter



Friends, the Lifetime recapping gig is beginning to affect yours truly. After Saturday night's fucked up film mess of a movie, I needed a break to digest what came before my eyes.

I could not really describe it except:


Hot mess express really does not do this film justice.

The Saturday night debacle was titled:


And a conversation took place in my home sort of like this:

Military Husband: What's tonight's movie about?

Me: I don't know. A teen drinking and getting pregnant, I think.

Military Husband: ANOTHER TEEN IN PERIL!

Right. Except it was not. It was something entirely different. It was weird, made absolutely no sense and I "think" there was supposed to be some sort of lesson involved. All I know is that my brain has not been this fried since I watched Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle.

Legit, Leprechaun 2: Back 2 Tha Hood made more sense than this movie.

There was more depth in Arnold's horrific performance as Mr. Freeze in Batman Forever


It was just THAT bad.

"The Perfect Daughter" stars Meredith Salenger as Julie Cahill. Meredith was the love interest of Corey Haim (RIP)/Corey Feldman in the 80s movie Dream A Little Dream who once looked like this:


And now, she looks like this:


Everyone from my childhood is ancient. Le Sigh.

"The Perfect Daughter" opens with Martin Parish, a widow who owns his own carpentry business with his brother Nick, taking his daughter, Natalie, to school. Other than starring in this crappy movie, they both have big things ahead. Well, sort of. In a subplot, Martin is starting a new job for a rich man named Mr. Woodrow and over in the main plot, Natalie is running for school treasurer against a popular girl named Kalie.

Martin drops Natalie off at school and is all:


Martin is just a teensy bit overprotective, or what I like to call a parental fun-sucker (sucks the fun out of general teenage debauchery).

My mom was one of these.
It sucked, no pun intended. #trustme

At school, Natalie wins the election and immediately, Kalie's boyfriend and popular kid, Sam Cahill breaks up with Kalie and runs to congratulate Natalie. He then invites Natalie to cheer on his hockey team and come to a party at his house afterwards. It is all very John Hughes, you know, if John Hughes made really shitty Lifetime movies. 

At this point, I am rolling my eyes so far back in my head I think they might get stuck and I am like:

For real tho. Wasn't Duckie everything?

For what is coming next.

Later that afternoon, Natalie tells her dad that she wants to go to the hockey game that evening. Being that he is not the least bit overprotective, he accompanies Natalie to the game and sits by Sam's parents, Julie and Bruce. Then, Natalie tells Martin she wants to go to the party at Sam's house and is going to ride with Sam. Martin is not thrilled at all and tells her that he will pick her up at 11:00 p.m.

See what I mean? Fun-sucker. That gives her like an hour, tops, to do anything. No one even busts out the Natty Light at a high school party until 11.

But Martin is all:


And Natalie embarrassedly leaves with Sam.

It gets late, as in 30 minutes pass, and Martin heads out to pick up Natalie. On the way into the subdivision, he sees Natalie walking down the street alone and the two converse sort of like this:

When you are drunk, why does someone always ask if you have been drinking?

Natalie stumbles around drunk and pukes. So, Martin decides to take her to the emergency room.

Wow, Martin. This goes beyond fun-sucking. She pukes once, stumbles, and you are taking her to the hospital to get her stomach pumped?

Martin would NOT have been able to handle yours truly back in her college days because I was like:


At least once a week. Or more.

At the hospital, a doctor tells Martin he has called a Detective from the Lifetime Police Department because he thinks Natalie was sexually assaulted. He even hands Martin a pamphlet on sexual assault. When Natalie wakes, she tells Detective Schaffer she went to a party, got drunk and had consensual sex with Sam. Oh, and there is absolutely no evidence that Natalie was raped (remember this folks because this is important). Martin is still furious. At home, he attempts to talk to Natalie about what happened and not surprisingly, Natalie is like:


And goes to bed.

The next day, Kalie and a bunch of kids at school are laughing at Natalie. Everyone is pissed because after Martin took Natalie to the hospital, the cops showed up and busted the boozing teenage sex party. Everyone, that is, except Sam. He tries to talk to Natalie and she tells him to leave her alone.

And I am all:


But it never does.

For the next few scenes of the movie, Natalie starts acting withdrawn and avoiding everyone. Martin, our resident fun-sucker, reads his trusty sexual assault pamphlet and assumes Natalie was raped. EVEN THOUGH NATALIE SAID SHE WAS NOT RAPED AND THERE IS NO EVIDENCE OF AN ALLEGED RAPE. Martin calls Detective Schaffer and tells him that Natalie "told him" she was raped and he needs to call in Sam for questioning. Sam, of course, denies everything.

Geez, Martin is like, the worst dad ever. Not only did he lie to the police and make a false police report (which is a criminal offense, by the way), he has pretty much made his daughter the school outcast.

Martin is seriously making Darth Vader look like father of the millennium. 


The next morning, Martin takes Natalie to the lake to go fishing. He shares that back in his day, he took Julie, Sam's mom, to the school dance. Martin keeps talking, attempting to pry information out of Natalie, but she is not biting. The two go home and there is a message on the answering machine from Detective Schaffer. He reiterates that Sam and Natalie had consensual sex and there was no rape. Natalie hears the message and loses her shit is angry. Martin seems confused as to why and calls his old high school flame Julie to console him.

What the hell, Martin? You do not understand why she is upset? I am beginning to think Castiel has stopped by to play the role of "Martin."


I know, I KNOW. Only my Supernatural fans will get this one, but really though, could Martin be anymore clueless?

Later that night, Julie and Martin meet secretly. Martin tells Julie that his deceased wife was having an affair. Before his wife got sick, she told Martin she planned to leave him and Natalie for her boyfriend. Meanwhile, Natalie takes a pregnancy test and because Lifetime, it is positive.


As if this movie needs more convoluted subplots.

By the way, during this entire shitstorm movie, Military Husband is MIA. He alleged he was going to his office for a minute, but that minute turned into exactly two hours. I have no idea what he was really doing, but I imagine it to be something like this:


Anything other than watching the Lifetime with me.

Anyhoo, the next day, Natalie rides to school with Sam. She apologizes for avoiding him and, you know, the whole rape thing, and promises to make everything fine. Meanwhile, over in the subplot, Martin loses his job with Mr. Woodrow. Martin blames Sam's dad Bruce, but Bruce tells Martin that Mr. Woodrow was not happy with him and besides Natalie is, well:


Back at school, Natalie kisses Sam after the student council meeting. She tells Sam that they are going to be boyfriend and girlfriend now. Surprisingly, Sam is really excited like someone just told him he can diddle off the rest of his senior year playing Super Mario Kart.

And yes, yours truly is like:


Back home, Martin tells Natalie he does not want her seeing Sam and Natalie says she wishes her mom was still alive. Martin is displeased, therefore, he drops the bomb that Natalie's mom was cheating on him. Angrily, Natalie screams at Martin that his "whore daughter got herself knocked up." She calls Sam and heads to his home to stay with him. When she arrives, she tells Sam she is pregnant and Sam seems happy over the news.

I mean, he and Natalie could totally grab a window of opportunity over at MTV.


Because if I have said it once, I have said it a thousand times:

The world needs more Farrah Abrahams.

Later, Bruce arrives home and learns from Julie, who overheard Sam and Natalie's conversation, that Natalie is pregnant. He decides that Natalie needs to go to an abortion clinic. The next day, Natalie and Sam are at the clinic. Before she can take the abortion pills, Natalie leaves the clinic without Sam. Martin and Sam look for Natalie and find her at The Pink Motel, the sleazy motel where Natalie's mom used to do the naked pickle shuffle with her lover. Natalie and Martin reconcile. Martin even tells Natalie she is going to make a terrific teen mom. Thus, Sam and Natalie leave together and ride off into the sunset to audition for MTV's Teen Mom and collect residual checks off the reruns.

Not really. But honestly:


This guy, Sam, who was dating someone else a hot minute ago, has sex with Natalie. Not just sex - drunk teenage hook up sex - and leaves her stranded on the road. Later, Natalie's dad accuses Sam of rape and he does not mind. Instead, he becomes Natalie's boyfriend even though he knows nothing about Natalie except for the inner workings of her hoo-ha. AND THEN, the two decide it would be a brilliant idea to have a baby together.

Lifetime, you have truly out-stupid'ed yourself.


And I had to endure 120 minutes of this garbage. I cannot even with this network anymore.

But truly, I digress.

Andddddddddd roll credits.

Did you watch "The Perfect Daughter"? Did this make any sense whatsoever to you? Please let me know your thoughts in the comments below!

My brain is scrambled thanks to the frying pan known as Lifetime, and I am,


46 comments:

  1. I've been doing it wrong - all these years instead of keeping my notes under lock and key I should have been leaving detailed messages about a case on someone's answering machine for anyone to listen to! That and the fact I don't go to a scene wearing a $500 suit or dressed in the designer cocktail dress I wore to the lab is why my partner doesn't look like Agent Booth, but is a short, bald Cajun. sigh.

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    1. Lmfao. Seriously who does that?? This movie was just wack man.

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  2. These get crazier every time I read your recaps!! I would like to see a recap with a video of your face during the movie. There are shows that I watch and I am like, why am I watching but I can not look away!!

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    1. It was a face of anguish! Horrible! Worst movie ever! Lol

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  3. Why do people ask you if you are drunk ~ well to see if you are a little liar also! Yep then they can call you a lying drunk. Makes perfect sense to me!
    Oh an Perfect Sense, formerly known as The Last Word, is a 2011 science fiction drama film that sucked too!
    Thanks for being a friend
    Sweet William The Scot

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    1. Lmao! I never thought of it that way! Xxoo

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  4. My dad always said Lifetime movies are all about bad men, like women being abused, murdered, or adducted. He swears it's to make woman hate men...haha! So when I was younger, he wouldn't let me watch it. Being younger I didn't understand but there is a lot of things about Lifetime that are too deep and dark for children. I didn't even realize until I got older, like man this stuff is heavy...haha!

    God bless,

    XO, Claire

    Http://www.littlemissfashionqueen.com

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    1. Lol! He's right! The channel is crazy! BUT did you ever see The Witches of East End? It was a Lifetime original series and it got cancelled. It's on Netflix now and I loved it! It has Jenna Dewan Tatum in it! Check it out sometime; I think you'd like it (it's a girly kind of show and kind of like Charmed).

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  5. Okays...BOL over Castiel!!!! I didn't thinks anyone could be more clueless than he, butts wows, if this dude is..yikes!! (oh, and Ma says that she DOES NOT KNOWS what it is like to drink that much....really....she did NOT do that in college...REALLY. honest...fingers crossed behind her back....☺) I, howevers, know how to handle my margaritas! hehehehe
    Okays, so Ma is glad she didn't TiVo this one....gawd, she really misses the 90's Lifetime movies...
    Kisses,
    Ruby ♥

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    1. It was SO bad. I miss those too!! Those were the best. With Kellie Martin from Life Goes On in like every.single.one? Living for it.
      Also, I have a shirt that reads, "I Got It At The Hot Topical." Castiel is the best. :)

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  6. The movies are getting worse and worse. I don't know how you do it! And YES!!!! on Duckie.

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    1. I know it's painful!!
      Duckie was everything!!

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  7. We were confused by just reading about the movie! If there were still drive-in theatres, we'd think it was made for those (no one ever watched the film.)

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  8. Hmmm. What was the point of that movie...?!?! It's like the writer just got bored in the middle of it... HAHA

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  9. Took me a couple of times to understand it all but, in the end, sounds like it was a crappy movie! Soap opera-ish.

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  10. Oh I do luffs reading you summaries...they is soooooo much better than the films!
    Loves and licky kisses
    Princess Leah xxx

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  11. Mom almost watched that...until the very thing that Military Husband said...entered her brain.
    She said NOPE not going there. thank goodness she listened to her brain. As it would have been a waste of time.MOL
    Hugs madi your bfff

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  12. Haha oh gosh, some of these movies are just beyond ridiculous!

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  13. I am just getting control of this household the remote is next on my list. Wienie

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  14. What a mess. And what's the deal with the rape thing? "You were raped. If we keep saying it, it will be true!"

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  15. Haha! I am so glad I totally forgot about it being Saturday night and missed this. I plan on forgetting this for the rest of my life after watching last weeks shit storm and just laughing at your pain. I swear my dogs could write a better movie than Lifetime.

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  16. This sounds like one bizarre soap opera.

    Haha about Farrah. She's crazy. I admit, I watch those Teen Mom shows.

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  17. The Bethenny meme in there...I woke up Waverley because I was laughing so hard!!!

    Another movie that doesn't make me sad we gave up cable ;-)

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    1. I know!! It was bad!! Hahaha!!
      Give the babies hugs from me!! Xxoo

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  18. My mom use to love that show, and was sad when it got cancelled. I'll check it out on Netflix!

    God bless,

    XO, Claire

    Http://www.littlemissfashionqueen.com

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  19. Well, that sounds perfectly cringe worthy. Way to go Lifetime, the world needs more teen parents that will make it work after a hook-up date. DUH!!! #PromBabies

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  20. Nooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!! You can't be done with Lifetime!! I want you to review Deadly Daycare this Saturday! LOL Love the convo between you and the hubby!! He's so good to watch with you!!

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    1. Haha, that's an old movie! It's a rerun!!
      But I'm not done at all. Something like Deadly Cheerleaders is coming up in two weeks. Sounds fascinating. And by fascinating I mean GOD AWFUL.

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  21. That made my brain hurt I can't imagine how you felt watching it. LOL

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