February 29, 2016

Lifetime Movie Network With A Vengeance: Suicide Note



This past week, I underwent more super fun dental surgery. It was horrible, but it certainly would not match up to the nonstop drilling of the oral cavity that Lifetime provided in this:


"Suicide Note" stars Gabrielle Carteris as Professor Majors. You might remember her from Beverly Hills, 90210 which Lifetime also made a movie about and you can read my fantastic recap here:


Another #shamelessplug.

Anyhoo, Carteris once looked like this:


Now she looks like this:


She has gotten old. Just like me.

Le Sigh.

As always, I like to give a plot roundup for those of you who enjoy licking all the runny movie theater butter off your fingers before you eat the popcorn. That is pretty freak nasty, by the way #doyouknowwherethatbutterhasbeen #doweknowwhereyourfingershavebeen. 

"Suicide Note" was basically this:


Wait. WHAT? A recycled Lifetime movie plot? Yes, YES, Lifetime is at it again except without the acting chops of Hilary Swank and that chick who played Six on the 80s sitcom Blossom.

Lifetime, I caught on to you a long time ago.  

You are not fooling me.
#recycledplotsareNOTbae

We open "Suicide Note" with our protagonist Molly White listening intently in Professor Majors' psychology class. Professor Majors is blabbing about "fulfilling your destiny" and folks, if your fate is starring in a cheesy Lifetime movie, well:

Suicide Note, indeed.

Later, Molly's boyfriend, art student Brady Faris, takes her to a romantic dinner in the old college cafeteria. Suddenly, Molly gets a text from her best friend Emma. Emma had another fight with her boyfriend Adam and Molly must rush to her rescue.

Molly is going to help Emma.
Right after she finishes her turn on Word Streak With Friends.

At the dorm, Emma and Adam are drunk and arguing. Molly tells Adam to leave and suggests Molly break up with Adam. Emma agrees. But, BUT, Adam is hot and going to be a doctor.

So, she keeps seeing him regardless of him being a supreme asshole jerk.


That night, Emma is in bed texting someone and suddenly, there is a scream. A shadowy figure creeps around the dorm room while Molly sleeps. The next day, Molly is woken to a knock at her door. Emma assumed the Lifetime position committed suicide last night!

Shoulda dumped Adam, Emma.

Detective Harrison of the Lifetime Police Department arrives.

I'll be mucking this case up for the duration of the film.
#yourewelcome #LifetimePDSUCKS

He asks if Emma had suicidal tendencies. Molly tells him that Emma was never suicidal, but she and her boyfriend Adam had a huge fight the night before and the Lifetime Police Department should totally question Adam. Nevertheless, Detective Harrison shoos the theory away and tells Molly that he has Emma's suicide note:

Are you sure that is not a letter from the writer of this pile of crap?

Molly still does not believe Emma killed herself. She heads back to her dorm room and figures out Emma's iPhone password. Inside, she finds texts that reveal Emma let Adam back into the building after they went to sleep. Molly shows the texts to her friend Irene, but Irene still does not believe Adam had anything to do with Emma's death.

Did I mention Molly tried to commit suicide and wears a bracelet to cover her scars? Yes, she attempted suicide right after parents died in some kind of "gasoline fire."

What the hell?
Were Molly's parents members of the original A-Team or something?

Later that night, Molly is dreaming and sees Emma at the edge of the roof. The next day, she runs into Jasmine at the coffee shop. Jasmine and Molly chat about Emma's suicide and Jasmine has this real, well, guilty look on her face.

Jasmine's "guilt face."
Orrrrr she has do #2 REALLY bad face. #TacoBellonfleek

Later that afternoon, Molly finds Adam in her dorm room. He explains that he has Emma's key card and just wanted to grab some pictures of the two of them before her parents arrived. Molly questions Adam about his whereabouts the night of Emma's death and Adam claims he was at the fraternity house all night. Molly tells him she saw the texts on Emma's phone. Startled, Adam grabs and threatens Molly. Suspicious, Molly tells Brady about Adam and Brady brushes the whole thing off like Molly is talking nonsense. So, Molly tells Irene about the situation and Irene agrees to help her investigate. Irene tells Molly to call Detective Harrison with the new information.

Detectives Irene and Molly to the rescue.
Cause you know the Lifetime PD ain't doing sh*t.

At the coffee shop, Molly spies Jasmine arguing with Adam. Molly asks Jasmine what they were arguing about and Jasmine is all:

Bet she uses this same look when someone asks her 
if she was the actress who played Jasmine in Lifetime's "Suicide Note."

And acts like she barely knows Adam.

That night, Molly dreams that Emma is calling her name and Molly jumps off the roof. As she wakes, she realizes someone was in her room and Emma's phone is now missing. Irene and Molly meet with Detective Harrison and Irene swears Molly is not lying about the text messages. They also think Jasmine is involved.

Detective Harrison is like:


And pretty much blows them off.

Then, Molly tells Brady about her dreams and Brady shoos the "Emma talk" away AGAIN and suggests they spend the night at his parents and play slide the pickle in the jar after his art gallery opening.

At this point, I am like wow, Brady SURE is ignoring all this information and acting like Emma's death is about as riveting as an episode of Two Broke Girls. Being that I am a bit of a detective myself.....


I totally realize Brady is SOOOOOO the killer.

Lifetime, you transparent bastard.

But truly, I digress.

On the night of the art gallery opening, a shadowy figure is watching from the scaffolds. Molly runs into Doug, a worker at the campus coffee shop, and asks if Adam ever hooked up with Jasmine. Doug says he saw them in Adam's car once. Molly sees Adam spying on them and finds a note in her purse:

He totally wasted that napkin.

Then, she sticks her hand in her purse and a surgery scalpel cuts her! Later that evening, she texts the picture of the napkin to Detective Harrison. She falls asleep and dreams of a painting of Emma falling. When she wakes up, Molly tells Brady all about her dream (get it Molly - painting - paint - artist - duh!) and Brady is all:


And tells Molly to forget about the dream. Then, Molly gets a call from Adam. Adam tells her that she better quit accusing him of killing Emma or his father's attorneys are coming after her.


She pretty much ignores this warning.

That afternoon, after she escapes from being attacked at the gym, Molly calls Detective Harrison and claims Adam is the attacker. Out of nowhere, Brady appears, calms her down and tells her that he will stay with her all evening.

And yours truly is like:

DUMBASS - YOUR BOYFRIEND IS THE KILLER! It's always the boyfriend. No, not HER boyfriend. YOUR boyfriend.

Did we learn nothing from Wes Craven? #RIP

Anyhoo, that evening, Molly dreams about Emma strangling her. The next night, Irene, Molly and Irene's brother Jared attempt to hack into Emma's email. Molly wants to find more incriminating information against Adam. Brady sees what they are doing and thinks they are crazy. He begs Molly to stop because he is the killer and goes on and on about how it is a crime to hack into the university's email accounts and they are going to be in SO much trouble.

Well, it is also a crime to kill someone, Brady. And you are going to be in SOOOO much trouble.


Molly and Irene head back to the dorm while Jared tries to get inside the email account. Suddenly, Jared texts Irene the link to Emma's email. Irene reads the email and is shocked. And then, there is a loud knock at the door. Irene opens the door, but no one is there. She returns to compose an email to Detective Harrison when there is another loud knock. She opens the door, is attacked and:

Assumes the good ole college try Lifetime position.

The next day, Molly talks to Detective Harrison about Irene's sudden disappearance. Molly has been texting and calling Irene to no avail. Because of course he does not, Detective Harrison is not sure Irene really disappeared. He thinks that Irene is out shopping for Emma's candlelight vigil being held later that night.

Yeah, she is totally on a run for cheesy poofs and Natural Light beer for the vigil and cannot come to the phone right now.

Who the hell made Harrison a detective, Deputy Dog?


Annoyed and rightfully so, Molly starts questioning Jasmine. She tells Jasmine that Irene is missing and shows her the napkin from the art gallery opening. Jasmine admits she was sleeping with Adam and she stole Emma's phone for Adam. She also tells Molly that Emma was seeing someone else, and Jasmine thinks it might be Doug, the coffee shop employee. That afternoon, Molly tells Brady all the new information and Brady is like:


And tells her to stay in her dorm room until he can hide more evidence he returns.

On the way to the dorm, Adam stops Molly and says he found out Emma was cheating and they were arguing about it the night Emma committed suicide. He was coming back to the dorm that evening to make up with Emma. The note was an apology to Adam, not a suicide note.  He didn't tell the cops because he didn't want to be the prime suspect in a homicide. Adam admits to putting the note and scalpel in her purse to stop Molly from ruining his life. However, he did not attack her in the gym. Armed with this information, Molly decides to question Doug. Doug tells Molly he only talked to Emma because he has a crush on Molly. Molly heads back to the dorm and texts Jared for the link to Emma's email account. She dreams about Brady writing a note that reads "I'm sorry. Forgive me."

When she wakes up, Jared has texted the link and Molly finds:

I FLIPPING TOLD YOU, YOU CHEETOS FOR BRAINS LIFETIME CHICK.
#yourboyfriendisastonecoldkiller

Out of nowhere, Brady walks in the room. Molly hides under the bed and she sees the dead corpse of Irene (What? There was no smell? You know that dead body would have stunk to high heavens by now). He knows Molly is there because he hears her breathing, so Molly has to come out of hiding. Brady claims he hooked up with Emma a few times because he felt bad for her. Molly confronts Brady and tells him she saw him in a dream writing a suicide note in her handwriting. Brady shoos that away, suggests they forget the entire bloody mess and head back to his parents for another round of sliding on the slippery banana peel between the sheets.


Suddenly, Brady sees the email and tries to delete same. Molly hits him with a baseball bat! She accuses Brady of killing Emma. Brady tells her that he was only ending things with Emma, they argued on the roof and she jumped.

Emma does not believe him and Brady is like:


And tells her that he was trying to talk to Emma on the roof and they began to argue. He grabbed her and she punched him. He then pushed her off the roof. Brady tells Molly to let Adam take the blame, or else he will put all the blame on her. After all, she was the last one to see Irene alive and Brady is her only alibi. Molly runs and Brady grabs her. Like all good killers do, Brady announces in a final scene soliloquy that he intends to stage Molly's death as a suicide over the guilt she felt for killing Emma and Irene.

However, Molly stabs Brady and:

Brady assumes the Lifetime position.
#curses #thosemeddlingkids

We close the movie with Molly happily talking to her new man, Doug. Jasmine is still home wrecking working at the coffee shop and Adam is on his way to become a doctor.

Everyone is just happy, slappy, fan-freaking-tastic.

Everyone except for Emma. AND Irene. Because they are forever assuming the Lifetime position.

Andddddddddd roll credits.

Did you watch "Suicide Note"? Do you think Lifetime is just recycling old plots? What is your favorite Lifetime plot device - TEEN IN PERIL, pregnant teen, babysitting hookers, sugarbabies or crazy wives/spurned lovers? Let me know in the comments below!

Lifetime is recycling their poo, so I can give it to you because I am,


18 comments:

  1. So sorry about the dental work - I feel your pain, and it sucks. It seems Lifetime outdid themselves on this one - so many shadowy figures!

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    1. Lmao and lots of dream sequences! It actually wasn't too terrible. But what do I know. I spent most of the weekend medicated! Hahaha

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  2. I'm totally going to stalk someone's dreams when I die, so at least someone has all the answers. Hope Molly's available; seems she's got it down pat!

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  3. I just luffs reading your movie scripts, they are soooooooo much better than the originals!!!!
    Loves and licky kisses
    Princess Leah xxx

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  4. So suspenseful...! But I couldn't keep track of everyone in this..! I must watch IRL!

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  5. Oh...My...God....Seriously??? LOL!! Once again, I am in awe at your ability stay in front of the television when Lifetime Movie time rolls around!

    On the upside, I feel the need to go watch Rocky Horror Picture show now....
    Thanks for the laughs!

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  6. I actually watched this hahahahaha!! It was so bad.

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    1. What??? Noooooooo you can't even drink!!
      CAUTION: Lifetime movies may be harmful to your baby!! She/he can hear and is currently going WTF MOM?! LOL!

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  7. Okay, there are so many things to touch on in this recap. First, I had totally forgotten about Six from Blossom! Fun flashback! I could not love Leslie Nielsen more. He was a comic genius. Finally, at first glimpse I thought that photo of the Lifetime cop was Ben Carson. ROFLMAO! This definitely sounds more painful than dental surgery. ☺

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    1. OMFG. Do you know I thought the EXACT same thing when I was writing this recap. I was like, wait, did I accidentally take a picture of Ben Carson? LMFAO. Dead.....hahahhahahahahaha.

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  8. Oh dear. Lifetime movies are just...interesting. I like the pregnant teen formula. I've seen several pregnant teen movies from them.

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    1. I like those too. And I used to love the oldies - anything with that chick from Life Goes On? Those were good!!

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  9. What? This one seems confusing. Also, Sarah Chalke was on Blossom? I'm always like "that blonde bitch from Scrubs" LMAO

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    1. Nooooo I meant the girl who played Six! She was in that movie Dying to Belong! She played the girl who died! Lol. I think Zack from Saved By The Bell was in it too!
      Ohhhh I always call Sarah Chalke, Stella! From How I Met Your Mother. The Wedding Bride. Take that Ted Mosby!! Lol

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