You might have noticed last week I did not post a review on Lifetime's valentine to Tinder, Wrong Swipe. Folks, I attempted to watch this movie and it was so bloody awful I wanted to set fire to something. And unlike Adele, it was not the rain.
When a movie brings out the pyromaniac in me, it is best I pass.
Fire is my fave element #firefire
Nevertheless, this week's movie is much more promising. It is all about a pregnant TEEN IN PERIL! This sort of synopsis gets my Lifetime guts to gurgling like a nachos bell grande and bean burrito combo from the Bell.
What can I say, pregnant teen is what Lifetime does best.
"Pregnant at 17" stars Josie Bissett as Sonia Clifton. You may remember Josie from Melrose Place, which incidentally, Lifetime JUST made a movie about and you can read my fabulous recap here at:
The Unauthorized Melrose Place Story
Anyhoo, Josie once looked like this:
The Unauthorized Melrose Place Story
Anyhoo, Josie once looked like this:
And now, she looks like this:
That is a still from the movie.
NOT one of those magazine "Stars Without Makeup!" articles.
It also stars Zoie De Grand Maison playing Chelsea, the teen who is, like duh, Pregnant at 17. Zoie also played Grace, a pregnant teen, on the BBC's Orphan Black.
Pregnancy is her acting albatross.
Per usual, I like to give those of you who enjoy eating the cheesy roll up by dipping it in the mild sauce (which is like, the only way to do the Bell) a brief synopsis of the
"Pregnant at 17" was like:
All babies want to get borned, Lifetime.
Military Husband would tell you Juno was a horrible movie, but I kind of liked it, home skillet. But, BUT, yeah, this was a stupider, along with more convoluted, version of Juno.
And I thought this week's movie would be an improvement to last week's debacle.
"Pregnant at 17" opens in a flashback with 17 year old Chelsea forced to dig a grave. A grave for this stinker of a movie that is - ba dum dum tss!
Yep, I am never getting that call from the Laugh Factory.
But, I try. #andImakemelaugh
We flash forward to the present and Chelsea is at the bar where she gets money for a ride home from her pool playing, ladies man, lounge lizard dad.
Oh Chelsea, I know where this is going.
But truly, I digress.
On the way home, Chelsea stops at Mikey's store to get dear old dad a carton of cigarettes. Mikey tells her that Gregg Foster made parole and will be out next week. BAM! We flashback to see Gregg robbing the store. Chelsea saw the robbery, helped Mikey and identified Gregg to the Lifetime Police Department. Thus, Chelsea is concerned about Gregg's imminent release. And this folks is the subplot that has absolutely NOTHING to do with Chelsea being Pregnant at 17.
Lifetime writers love a good "going absolutely nowhere subplot" to confuse the audience who is already piss drunk by the opening credits.
Don't question the subplot.
It's the circle of Lifetime.
Meanwhile, Sonia Clifton is at an anniversary party with her husband, Jeff. Jeff is receiving strange late night texts and Sonia demands to know who they are from. He brushes her off, heads to the bathroom and texts Chelsea, his teenage lover.
Because if I told you once, I told you a thousand times my friends: Lifetime is legit a sex offender registry gone wild, see Caught, 16 & Missing, Stalked By My Doctor, and The Babysitter's Black Book.
Sonia suspects Jeff is cheating and accuses him on the way home from the party. Jeff denies same and hurries inside to call Chelsea while Sonia listens from behind the door. Jeff tells Chelsea about tomorrow evening's "date" he has planned which involves a seedy motel room, room service and "snuggling" also known as sticking the banana in the peanut butter jar.
Jeff is such the romantic. #pervalert
The next morning, Chelsea is puking. At work, she tells her manager Liz about her
morning sickness. Liz suggests Chelsea take a pregnancy test which SURPRISE! is positive and just like that she is Pregnant at 17. She is not worried though because Jeff has promised he will leave his wife (it is just a "matter of paperwork" that he like, conveniently forgets to getting around to when he is playing poke the pickle jar with Chelsea) and she is in love. Chelsea even has a tattoo on her leg that reads love conquers all which makes her reminiscence about those sweet, sweet nothings Jeff has whispered to her at The Dirty Deeds Motel (rooms for rent by the hour, of course).
Chelsea, like most Lifetime teens, has Skittles for brains.
Meanwhile, Sonia is at the hotel so she can see Jeff's mistress. She spots Chelsea checking in the hotel room and heads to her car to cry. A few minutes later, Jeff arrives at the hotel room and is all:
Or something like that.
At the same time, Sonia is searching out Chelsea on social media.
Chelsea Sheridans works at an local ice cream parlor and really, really likes Germany (remember this fact, friends). Sonia snorts and asks her friend why would Jeff want to hang around someone who worked scooping up ice cream all day.
Hey, I can not make this stuff up.
Back at the hotel, Chelsea wants to make it official with Jeff because she is pregnant. Jeff is furious and wants to fix the problem. Then, Chelsea drops the bomb - she is not just pregnant, but only 17! And Jeff is like:
Chelsea returns home and her friend Adam comes over to console her. And over in the Gregg subplot, Laren, Gregg's sister, is watching Chelsea and Adam. She follows Adam and has evil plans to help Gregg get even with Chelsea. Convoluted as hell I know, I KNOW, but Lifetime needs a giant claw machine of stupidity in every movie these days.
Just keep passing the vodka.
The next day, Sonia goes to the ice cream parlor where Chelsea works prepared to confront the teenage homewrecker. YESSSSSSS. However, Sonia learns Chelsea is 17 and finds her sweet and good and naive AND innocent. She even leaves Chelsea a tip and tastes Chelsea's personal favorite ice cream.
And I am like, is this for real? Not even a bitchslap, Sonia? For goodness sake, you were on Melrose Place, c'mon, push in her in the ice cream!
At this point, I look over at Military Husband and he is like:
He so does not care. #quithatingstartparticipatin
Later that evening, Jeff remembers meeting Chelsea for the first time in her dad's bar. She served him some beer and he followed her outside to talk. He gave her his number leaving it "up to her" to call him. The whole affair was super creepy and perv-like.
I mean, all Jeff needed was to be driving this:
The Lifetime Perv-O-Van.
Back in the present, Jeff tells Chelsea that it is a bad idea to keep the baby because, you know, prison, sex offender registry, putting up a sign in a yard that reads "Creepy Old Perv" - stuff like that. Chelsea tells him that she has nothing in her life aside from her pending motherhood so she wants to keep her baby. Jeff offers her $10,000.00 if she will have an abortion. Disgusted, Chelsea throws the money at him and yells:
The great one. Madonna.
So many lessons she's taught us. #vogue
In the subplot, Laren is watching Chelsea and Jeff. Then, Chelsea receives a call from Adam. He comes over to console her, and brings Chinese food. Chelsea tells Adam that Jeff wants nothing to do with her. At the same time, Jeff has returned home and Sonia confronts him about Chelsea. Jeff admits he slept with her a few times, but does not love her. He blames the whole affair on Sonia, what she did wrong in their relationship and Sonia's miscarriage #asshole. FINALLY, Sonia is fed up and tells Jeff she wants a divorce and wants him out of the house.
And I am like:
Now, kick him in the nuts, Sonia.
The next morning, Jeff heads out for his morning run. When suddenly, out of nowhere:
JEFF IS HIT BY A CAR!!!
And karma is like:
She is a REAL bitch, Jeff.
Over in subplot land, Laren meets Gregg in prison. She tells Gregg that Chelsea is pregnant with a wealthy man's baby. They both want revenge. Meanwhile, Sonia has decided that someone needs to help Chelsea and that someone is going to be her. She goes to see Jeff, who is NOT dead, but instead, in the hospital with brain swelling.
Jeff, looking like Tom Arnold on Celebrity Rehab.
Jeff admits to Sonia that he tried to pay off Chelsea and Sonia is thoroughly disgusted. She heads to the ice cream parlor and talks to Chelsea. When Chelsea sees Gregg staring at her from across the street in the subplot, Sonia offers to drive her to the police station. At the Lifetime Police Department, Chelsea and Sonia identify Gregg as the stalker. But, BUT, the Lifetime Police Department Detective will not do anything unless he either tries to kill her or kills her, or both because you know:
Nevertheless, Sonia offers to let Chelsea stay with her to be safe from Gregg. She tells Chelsea that she is Jeff's wife and Chelsea is angry. Sonia explains that she was going to confront Chelsea, but she found Chelsea to be sweet and she felt they both got played by the same man. Once they arrive at Sonia's home, Sonia tells Chelsea that Jeff
got run over by karma is in the hospital and she wants to help her. Chelsea apologizes for breaking up their marriage and Sonia tells Chelsea eh, no biggie. Sonia EVEN lets Chelsea bring home a pet cat from Sonia's emergency veterinarian clinic.
Lifetime's a bitch. Now, so am I.
Chelsea asks about Sonia's miscarriage and Sonia tells Chelsea that she always wanted children. Chelsea tells Sonia that she would have made a great mom and Sonia reminds Chelsea of her own mother. It is all just one big wife-mistress love fest that makes me go:
Does this sh*t ever happen in real life? #NO
One big happy homewrecking Lifetime family.
Back in the subplot, Gregg is watching the house. Suddenly, this happens:
WIFE IN PERIL of husband who slept with TEEN IN PERIL!
Lifetime, you cad.
Gregg wants $50,000 made out in a check to Chelsea and he will take Chelsea to the bank to cash the check. However, Sonia points out the bank will not cash a check that large and she will need to deposit said check and wait a few days for the check to clear the bank. Damn you banking laws! So, Sonia suggests he take $25,000 and whatever jewels are in a safe deposit box. He agrees and takes Sonia to the bank, while Laren takes Chelsea off to an undisclosed location. Once Gregg gets the money, he ties up Sonia, tosses her in the backseat and drives to Chelsea and Laren's location. Gregg tells Laren to give them shovels. They are to dig their own graves! But, BUT, Sonia feigns an injury and stabs Gregg with a dog sedative syringe from her veterinary bag. She grabs the gun and she and Chelsea run. Laren tries to shoot them, but Sonia shoots her instead. They try to call 911, but Gregg arrives and grabs Sonia. THEN, Chelsea shoots Gregg!
And, here comes your favorite part, WAIT FOR IT......
THEY BOTH ASSUME THE LIFETIME POSITION.
Awwww, hell to the yes.
Next scene - the baby is here. Those nine months just flew by because why? This is Lifetime and we are supposed to suspend all plausible belief of logistics. Chelsea is giving up her baby to Sonia and she has named the baby Annette after Sonia's grandmother. Anddddddd, the next week, Sonia is thrilled to be a single mom and Chelsea is now dating Adam.
Chelsea and Adam, who apparently won the Lifetime Showcase Showdown:
And you get a teen mistress, and you get a teen mistress.
EVERYBODY GETS A TEEN MISTRESS! #himym
Are heading off for a two week all expenses paid fantasy trip to Germany! HURRAY! Being a teen mistress is like, super fun. #onlyonLifetime
Oh. What about Jeff, you say? Well, he lost his job and is in Atlantic City, gambling his miseries away. And all I have to say to Jeff is:
Would you pull that crap with Annette?
Eh, it was all I had. #workwithmepeople
And rollllllllll credits.
Did you watch "Pregnant at 17"? What would you do if your husband got his mistress pregnant? Would you want to be a part of the baby's life? Let me know in the comments below!
In the boxcar of Lifetime's train ride to derailment I am,