January 27, 2016

Ratchet Valentine Poetry



With Valentine's Day quickly approaching, many of you plan to tell your significant other or special someone how much you care for them. But, BUT, do you ever think to yourself, in what manner do hoodrats celebrate the big V-D Day? 

Well, I am here to answer this burning question for you!


Here is some delightful poetry that should appear on Ratchet Valentine's Day Cards. Notice I wrote "should." Since there are no examples readily available online, Mili Wifey had to get her ghetto thinking cap on and create a few of her own. 


Um, something like that.

Oh! And feel free to use any of these on your Valentine's greeting, if you are ratchet or just channeling your inner hoodrat.** 
**Mili Wifey's poetry is available for the low, low price of an Icee and a box of cookies from the Great American Cookie Company located in your regional Ratchet Mall.

Ratchet Valentine Poetry

Ratchet Valentine Poetry, Friend Version

Hey girl hayyyyyy.
Valentine's is today.
Let's get it poppin 
and open a bottle of Hennessy. 
Don't you ever forget all we've been through.
Like that time I cut that bitch Jennifer for you.


Ratchet Valentine Poetry, Enemy Version

Move bitch, get out the way.
I don't give two sh*ts if Valentine's is today.
When you see me at the club, if you don't leave,
I'm gonna put a shoe heel in your face
and snatch your weave.

#word

Oh, and if any of the above is read by the police.
I was just kidding around.
I'm all about love, hip hop and peace.


Ratchet Valentine Poetry, Crush Version 

Roses are red, violets are blue.
I have a secret crush on you.
Be my boo and I will treat you well.
Even though your booty is stinky as hell.


Ratchet Valentine Poetry, Ex-Boyfriend/Girlfriend/Spouse Version

Our time together was bittersweet.
Thank God I no longer have to look at your crusty ass feet.
You cheated, you lied, you spent all my cash.
Here's hoping your crotch gets an itchy rash.


Ratchet Valentine Poetry, Stalker Version

On Valentine's Day, I will be in your hood.
Did I ever tell you that your panties smell good?
Please don't worry about locking the door.
I will just creep in your room from my home,
Right underneath your bedroom floor.


Ratchet Valentine Poetry, Side Chick Version

Oh Valentine, can't wait to see you for our date.
Can you meet me around 2a.m. at the Super 8?
When my wife calls, you know I got to go.
But just always know, you are my favorite ho.


Ratchet Valentine Poetry, Surprise Version

Roses are red, violets are blue.
I got a special surprise for you.
Yeah, I know we broke up last week.
And you think I am some annoying freak.
Hey, remember when you told me my ass was flabby?
Well, surprise bitch.
You are about to be my baby daddy.


Now, were those poems not special?


Right.

What are you giving to your loved ones on Valentine's Day? What do you like to receive as a gift on Valentine's Day? Let me know in the comments below!

Roses red, violets are blue.
This ratchet Valentine was brought special from me to you because I am,

74 comments:

  1. This will be my first Valentines Day but I am going to give Mommy lots of kisses. I hope she gives me cookies.


    Ziggy Out!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Those kisses are the best Valentine's gift EVER!!

      Delete
    2. I'm not quite ready to think about Valentines Day, but cookies and kisses sound good!

      Delete
  2. Bahahaha well now I know what I'm putting in a card for Dan. Totally using one of these

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. OH PLEASE DO!!! I need to know his reaction. Hahaha.
      PS you owe me an Icee and cookies now. :)

      Delete
  3. Hehe so using these to send out to my many Valentine's...! HA

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lol. These are guaranteed to make them all warm and fuzzy.

      Delete
  4. We don't usually exchange Valentine's cards/gifts, but I might have to make an exception this year. My hubby needs to receive one of these poems. Now to choose which one...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lol!! Yes!! That would be really romantic of you!!

      Delete
  5. Oh yes, hehe, I luffs it!!!
    How do you finks of all these thingys????
    Loves and licky kisses
    Princess Leah xxx

    ReplyDelete
  6. Haha, nice job channeling your inner ratchet poet ;-)
    I don't really do Valentine's Day...

    ReplyDelete
  7. MOL MOL MOL your poetry is hilarious!! OMCs...mom's eyes are leaking.
    My peep's will celebrate their 46th wedding anniversary on 2/14!!
    WooHoo I think I might order them another Baskin robbins ice cream cake?!
    Hugs madi your bfff

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Omgosh Happy Anniversary!!! That's awesome!!

      Delete
  8. This is hilarious!! I suck at dating so Valentines Day is a day I try to avoid.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I can't believe that! You're awesome so they are missing out!!

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  9. LOL!

    This will always be my fav valentine card: http://40.media.tumblr.com/6b316c7138bbc1758c72b071df1b81e6/tumblr_mi8mdz0In41qfu8xho1_500.jpg

    ReplyDelete
  10. Hahahaha oh my gosh yes!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Replies
    1. Yes!!!! Well you've got an ex or a friend! Their are poems for them!

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  12. OMG that one to the ex is spot on....well a little hood but spot on.

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  13. Oh my pug............lol.............stella rose

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Bahaha. Just trying to lighten things up over here! :)

      Delete
  14. Dear Mili Wife
    I think you have a new career - Ratchet Poetry.
    Love Noodles

    ReplyDelete
  15. Too funny. You could make a song out of that! Maybe one of those auto-tuned Real Housewives songs?! Of course, you know both White Castle and Waffle House have done Valentine's Day in the past few years. They supposedly add candlelight and serve steak dinners...I figure that's the ratchet Valentine's Day night out!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Omg like the whole Don't Be Tardy song? Lol!!
      Ohh Waffle House....fancy!! Lmaooooo
      I'd prefer Taco Bell tho. I need my bean burritos for later. Hehe

      Delete
  16. These are fun!

    I'm giving chocolates to the people in my family. And I hope I get some too or I'll steal their chocolates.

    ReplyDelete
  17. LOL...Too funny, I must say, you do "ratchet" better than anyone I know!!

    ReplyDelete
  18. Please tell me Hallmark has been contacted! Because if not, you're missing out on a serious cash cow, girl.

    We're going to a quick dinner, in which Pemberley will most likely attempt to crawl on the table. Again. And then home for an early bed. Third trimester sucks. I hope the pugs and MiliHubs spoil you rotten! xoxo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lol! Aw she sounds fun!
      Happy Valentines!!!

      Delete
  19. We can't compete with those poems. We'll just stick to treats.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Your posts always make me laugh out loud, you are a comedian!

    God bless,

    XO, Claire

    Http://www.littlemissfashionqueen.com

    ReplyDelete
  21. Has Hallmark seen these? LOL! I love them. ♥

    ReplyDelete
  22. Yours beat Hallmark's any day! The Side Chick version was my fave.

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  23. I seriously am in love with this, I wonder if my husband would appreciate any of these. lol

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sharing is caring! I think they ooze romance!

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  24. LOL...now which one to put in the hubs Valentines day card ;)

    ReplyDelete
  25. "You bring darkness and financial burden to my life". Haha yes! Love smartass valentines.

    - Harlynn
    mindyourmadness.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  26. Pictures a red cupid - cut with a jigsaw cutter and painted red. It has a hook so it can hang from the shelf in the shop. In its hands is a high powered rubberband gun from the toy and hobby story. There's also a little red heart box full of big rubber bands and a homemade card with a picture of Clint Eastwood on it that says "Make my Valentine's Day". I am SUCH a romantic.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hahaha. Oh same here! I'm obviously so romantic!!

      Delete
  27. As for the ex - they just get a little song

    (Sung to the tune of The Beverly Hillbillies theme)

    Come and listen to my story bout my boyfriend Joe
    A feller you can't trust any farther than you throw
    When we first met I believed his love was true
    But all that got me was a pot of the Blue
    (Ointment, that is. Rub it on. OOOH that stings)

    ReplyDelete
  28. The doll in the first picture reminds me of Joan Collins. LOL! I am just happy with a card on V-day. Our anniversary (12 years!!!) is a month later, so we do something special then. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lol! Yes!!
      I know...Valentines is kinda lame. But I'm in it for the candy. ;)

      Delete

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