On Saturday night, Lifetime gifted us with another adaptation of a V.C. Andrews gothic novel. As you may or may not know, Lifetime has previously shown renditions of "Flowers in the Attic," "Petals on the Wind," If There Be Thorns and "Seeds of Yesterday." They were all full of ewwww, camp and, in typical Lifetime fashion, poor writing. Saturday night's film was no exception.
Normally, I have a bit of witty repertoire to begin my recapping journey. But, BUT, this time, I really have no idea where to begin. The best I can offer you is, well, chugga chugga chugga choo choo, all aboard the Lifetime hot mess express, derailment straight ahead.
#Icanteven does not even begin to sum this one up.
"My Sweet Audrina" stars James Tupper as Damian Adare. For all you former ABC Revenge fans, Tupper played David Clarke.
Throughout the entire movie, Tupper used the same gruffy voice and demeanor as he did in Revenge. Maybe that was where David Clarke was all those years - acting in bad Lifetime movies.
But truly, I digress.
Per the norm, I like to give a plot summary for those of you who like to know who gets the final rose before the season has ended (as an aside, hey ABC, can we nix the Batchelor and his gang of attention
whores seekers please? PLEASE? Grossest. Show. EVER.).
"My Sweet Audrina" was like:
Legit, friends. There is NO comparison for this one. It was all over the place. And since the vodka is running out, the stores close soon and we have a lot to cover, let's get started.
"My Sweet Audrina" begins with 9 year old Audrina visiting the grave of her older sister who was also named Audrina. The "First Audrina" tragically died on her 9th birthday, and Audrina was her namesake. Audrina is kept sheltered from anything and everything normal in a huge creepy mansion called Whitefern. She is frequently told by her father to channel her inner "First Audrina" by going to her room and rocking in a chair.
The premise is all weird and stupid. But mainly, just a whole lot of stupid. I am beginning to wonder why I liked these books so much in the 80s (legit, begged my mom to let me read them).
Audrina lives with her dad, Damian, her mom, Lucietta, her aunt, Ellsbeth and cousin, Vera. Vera, who longs for Damien's affections as a father, is
a real bitch mean to Audrina. In a typical "Mean Girls" moment, Vera eats a box of Valentine's chocolates in front of Audrina and tells Audrina she is a freak.
One day, Audrina is outside and finds Arden Lowe, the caretaker's son. He says he has a crush on her and asked Vera to give her a box of chocolates on Valentine's Day. Audrina tells Arden something to the effect of:
Bitch is cray. #crazyashell
When she returns home, her mom is having a miscarriage. She tells Audrina that it happened because Audrina disobeyed her and went outside. Then, she and the baby proceed to assume the Lifetime position. And I am like:
We flash forward and Audrina is 21 years old, even though she still looks about 12 according to Military Husband. Ellsbeth encourages Damien to allow Audrina to take piano lessons from a man named Lamar who is from New York. After a brief lesson, Audrina sees Arden. Arden asks Audrina to meet him for a picnic on Saturday. Also, Arden is now played by William Moseley, who was in "The Chronicles of Narnia" series.
He is British and his accent bleeds through as the movie progresses. At this point, Military Husband is grabbing his headphones.
Because if there is one thing he cannot stand it is a British actor doing an American accent. And another, those Narnia movies. He is just NO fun at all.
The next day, Vera shows up in full on bitch mode. She follows Audrina to piano lessons and starts
whoring it up seducing Lamar. Later that afternoon, Vera shows up at Arden and Audrina's picnic looking like she is auditioning for a Girls Gone Wild reel. Then, she steals Audrina's clothes so Audrina is left in her bathing suit when dad arrives.
And I am all:
Vera needs her ass kicked. #pronto
The next day, Arden tries to apologize to Audrina's dad. Damien refuses to listen, but is later convinced by Ellsbeth to let Audrina see Arden. Arden takes Audrina to a piano lesson, where Audrina finds Vera playing poke the piano string with Lamar. She runs out of the house and tells Arden to stay away from her. Later that evening, Vera comes in Audrina's room and throws pornographic pictures all over Audrina's bed. Then, she hides in the closet.
Really Lifetime? REALLY? Again with the closet?
I see you R Kelly.
Directing those Lifetime movies, tho.
Damien comes in Audrina's room and sees the pictures. But, BUT:
I cannot make this sh*t up, people.
He opens the closet and finds Vera. He tells Vera to eat the pictures and get out of his home. Vera, in typical villain fashion, vows to get revenge on everyone who made her cry at Whitefern. And the next day, we learn Vera has stolen money and run off to New York with Lamar.
Right. That night, Audrina finds Damien and Ellsbeth arguing. Apparently, Vera *might* be Damien's daughter because they had an affair before Damien married Audrina's mother. And, Ellsbeth and Damien are still playing hide the banana in the panty hamster. The next morning, Ellsbeth is found:
Assuming the Lifetime position.
Audrina tells Damien that she plans to marry Arden. Damien, in anger, locks Audrina in the "First Audrina's" room. However, Audrina escapes and drives off in Damien's car to marry Arden.
But, BUT, wait a minute. How did Audrina learn to drive? Who taught her? And who took her to get her license? Who helped her study for her test? Who paid the license fees at the DMV? Is she even insured?
I was perplexed for a few minutes until I realized this is a Lifetime movie and we are supposed to suspend all belief of plausible logistics. #likeduh
Anyhoo, after Arden and Audrina marry, they head back to Whitefern to pick up Audrina's personal belongings. Damien offers Arden a job redesigning Whitefern and offers to let the two of them live in the mansion. Instead of being like #helltotheNO, Arden readily agrees and the two head off to Audrina's room to do the pickle in the jar shuffle. However, Audrina has flashbacks and, well, is weird, so it never happens.
So there's that.
We flash forward to Thanksgiving and Vera shows up looking to be "friends" with Audrina. Damien wants Vera to leave, but Audrina convinces him otherwise.
And I am all, AUDRINA, Vera is your nemesis! Do not invite
that crazy skank her back in the house!
At Thanksgiving dinner, Vera regales everyone with her thoughts on babies. Babies, according to her, are "erotic" because they "suck on your boobs all day long." Folks, I cannot make this stuff up.
Lifetime, please fire the writers. #please
Because of course she does, Vera attempts to seduce Arden and teases Audrina about her lack of a sex life. By the way, Vera is played by actress Tess Atkins.
She recently did a guest spot on Supernatural offering up Sam and Dean to Amara. And now, she is playing
the evil whore a role in a Lifetime movie.
Two steps backwards, Tess.
Later that evening, Vera breaks her leg which she uses as a perfect opportunity to shag Arden. She and Arden begin kissing just as Audrina walks in the room. Audrina tells Arden he is free to leave her, but Arden reveals he has a secret. He knew the "First Audrina." He was in the woods and saw the boys chasing her. Then, he tells Damien to tell Audrina the truth about what happened. Meanwhile, Audrina is attempting to jump off the roof of Whitefern.
Which is exactly how I feel after watching 1 hour and 37 minutes of this movie.
Hold up, Audrina.
Take me with you.
Damien reveals all the "secrets of Whitefern," FINALLY. Apparently, Audrina was raped by some boys in the woods on her 9th birthday. And, AND, there was no "First Audrina." Audrina is the "First Audrina." The rape went unreported and Damien had Audrina undergo shock therapy to forget the rape. Over the years, they convinced Audrina the rape happened to her older sister who died. Audrina is shocked and runs to the "First Audrina's" grave. Arden follows her, they embrace and decide it is a good time to finally shake the maracas in the sheets.
Oh Lifetime, you card.
Later that night, this happens:
Someone pushed Audrina down the stairs! Gosh, I wonder who that someone could be (*cough cough* Vera *cough cough* Lifetime, the queen of transparency). And Audrina is in a coma with Arden by her side. Vera tells Arden he should get some rest and offers him some tea which she quickly drugs. Arden passes out and Vera puts him to bed. Then, Vera heads back in the room with Audrina and gives the typical 2 minute "I'm the villain and you all are going to die" speech complete with evil laughter.
Because it cannot be anymore cliche'.
Vera admits she pushed Audrina and her mother, Ellsbeth, down the stairs. She also told the boys that Audrina would be walking in the woods on the way home on her 9th birthday. She unplugs Audrina's life support and heads off to seduce Arden. But, BUT, Audrina wakes up and starts making noises which grabs Damien's attention. He goes to her room, sees Audrina and calls for Arden. Arden runs to Audrina and Audrina accuses Vera of all the wrongdoings.
And Vera is all:
David Damien is all:
He chases Vera out of the room and then, this happens:
Vera, finally, assumes the Lifetime position. And Damien, Audrina and Arden all live happily ever after in the big, creepy mansion.
Anddddddddd roll credits.
Did you watch "My Sweet Audrina"? How many times did you say, "WTF?" Let me know in the comments below!
Lifetime owes me a case of vodka because I am,