On Saturday night, Military Husband and I went to the Ratchet Mall.
And you should go, too. Today.
When we returned home, Military Husband actually said we could watch the
Lifetime Torture Device Lifetime Movie O'Week together which came in the form of:
But, BUT, as the credits rolled Military Husband was all:
And immediately shoved his nose in the latest Alex Cross book. Alas, here I was all alone again on my own with
Satan's Station Lifetime.
Per usual, I like to summarize the plot for those of you who like to hit the food court before you buy your gummy penises at Spencer's. You filthy rebel, you. Basically, "The Wrong Car" was all about:
Except not as funny. "The Wrong Car" was all about the dangers of Uber/Lyft/rideshare apps. Now friends, I am fascinated with Uber. Every single time Military Husband and I are out of town, this conversation takes place:
Military Husband: We can't leave the hotel if we are going to have drinks.
Me: "WE SHOULD GET AN UBER!!!"
Military Husband has a point. Ridesharing definitely has its fair share of dangers. Here is a link to an entire list of incidents reported involving Uber and Lyft:
If that list does not convince you ride sharing is risky as f*ck, let's press on to Lifetime's latest scare tactic via film, "The Wrong Car." "The Wrong Car" begins with a shady looking driver injecting a water bottle with what we can assume is GHB. Then, we meet Trudy, a young law student, who is using The Lifetime Ride Share App - NetCar - for a ride home. Fortunately for Trudy (or so we think), the driver is her fellow classmate Charles. Once home, Trudy's roommate Gretchen tells Trudy that she is taking her out on the town. You see, Trudy is a hardworking legal mind who has not even showered in THREE DAYS.
Not even a hooker's shower, Trudy?
That crotch rot, tho.
The next day, Trudy attends criminal law class. After class, Charles asks her out and Trudy tells him she is not interested. Later that night, Trudy and Gretchen head out to the club. After one too many fireball shots, Trudy wants to go home, but Gretchen wants to keep getting her booze on. Therefore, Trudy requests a NetCar, which quickly arrives to take her home.
Immediately, Military Husband yells:
And I am like:
You thought he was reading his book, right?
Sadly, Trudy does not have Military Husband to warn her about the dangers of
Uber NetCar. She drinks roofie'd water given to her by the NetCar driver and wakes up naked in a seedy motel. Trudy calls 911 and the Lifetime Police Department take her to the hospital. Proving the Lifetime Police Department is a bunch of insensitive assholes individuals, Detective Jackson sends her on her way home without even offering a number to a counselor's office, a pamphlet on Victim's Assistance or even just asking her if she was ok. Back home, Trudy realizes that her NetCar driver never showed up and she got into:
The Wrong Car. Oh Lifetime, you cad.
Meanwhile, Detective Jackson goes to the motel and asks the motel worker, Roger, all about who rented Room 106. He agrees to work with a Lifetime Police Department sketch artist. The next day, Detective Jackson tells Trudy that she tested positive for GHB and luckily for everyone BUT Trudy, the condom broke so they have a DNA sample. Trudy points out that 98% of all rapists walk the streets free. And this is Lifetime, so that probably means 100% of all Lifetime Rapists walk the channel free. Knowing the incompetency of the Lifetime Police Department like we all do, Trudy wisely decides to take matters into her own hands. She decides to get in the "mind" of the rapist, and has Charles teach her the ropes of being a NetCar driver.
Immediately, Military Husband yells:
CHARLES IS THE RAPER!
And legit, I feel like I am dealing with Randy in Wes Craven's Scream when he is yelling at Jamie Lee Curtis while watching Halloween. You know:
If you're gonna participate, don't hate.
The next day, while driving the NetCar, Trudy picks up a gentleman named Donovan. He was recently dumped by his girlfriend and Trudy consoles him. He asks Trudy out and she tells him that it would not be a good idea. Oh, and thankfully, it is commercial time.
Next week on Lifetime, The Toni Braxton Story!
Do I really have to recap that? Really?
Back to our
horrible programming, Trudy has gone to the scene of the crime. She lies down on the bed in Room 106 and tries to remember the face of her rapist. And all she can see is a face that looks something like this:
I cannot make this stuff up, folks.
Trudy also remembers that she gave the NetCar driver her home address. She calls Detective Jackson and tells her she is worried the rapist will come to her home. Because she sucks at life, Detective Jackson is like no biggie and tells her not to worry. That night, Trudy picks up two gangbangers named Juan and Carlos while driving for NetCar. First, they want her to take them to a strip club. Then, they tell her to end the ride and force her at gunpoint to pick up a fellow thug who has been shot. Juan tells Trudy not to tell the police and he will owe her a HUGE favor.
DING DING DING. Juan and Carlos are totally going to help Trudy catch the
Uber NetCar rapist.
Lifetime, the queen of transparency strikes back.
The next day, Trudy picks up Donovan again. He wants to take her for drinks with his clients. Instead, they both grab dinner at a diner and she tells Donovan all about being held at gunpoint by Juan and Carlos.
Trudy, stranger danger MUCH?
Later that night, Trudy and Gretchen stake out the club to see if they can spot the rapist's car. Because of course he is, he shows up and they get his license plate. He picks up a drunk girl, and they follow him to the same seedy motel.
Wow, it is a good thing the rapist likes to stalk the same club and use the same motel for all his crimes. Kind of makes you wonder why the Lifetime Police Department did not pick up on this.
Right. At the motel, the rapist drags the drunk girl out of the vehicle and the rapist is DONOVAN! Trudy and Gretchen call the Lifetime Police Department. When they arrive, Donovan is alone in his motel room. Of course, Donovan's motel room has an adjoining room, but do they bother to search it?
This is Lifetime.
We are supposed to suspend belief of all plausible logistics.
Detective Jackson tells Trudy that the motel employee drew a sketch of a completely different guy. Thus, Donovan cannot be the rapist even though Trudy and Gretchen clearly identified him as the rapist (Detective Jackson #blowsssssss). Trudy and Gretchen continue their detective work and see Donovan leave the motel with the drunk girl. He takes her home, and the next day, Trudy goes to see her. She tells Trudy she will report the incident to the Lifetime Police Department (pff, good luck with that). Detective Jackson calls in Donovan and he basically tells them
to go to hell they have no case. Then, Donovan shows up at Trudy's house to threaten her.
Remember, The Lifetime Police Department said not to worry about him having Trudy's home address.
Which basically meant, #trudyisscrewed
Later that evening, Trudy tells Gretchen the motel employee has a criminal record. She thinks he might be working with Donovan. The two devise a plan where Gretchen will be the pawn. Gretchen pretends to be drunk walking out of the club, and, of course, Donovan picks her up. Trudy follows them to the motel. Juan and Carlos are also there pretending to have car trouble outside the motel. Juan takes a picture of Donovan giving Roger, the motel employee, $200. Juan and Carlos go to the motel room and find:
Military Husband was spot on!
Maybe he should write for Lifetime, tho. #retirementplan
Charles is Donovan's brother! And Charles is the rapist! And while he is raping, he wears a creepy baby mask!
I cannot even with this. #whyLifetime #WHY
The moral of the movie, folks. Do not use rideshare apps on your phone unless you want to be roofie'd and raped by a guy in a creepy baby mask.
You know, I wonder Uber has to say about all this.
Uber lawyers must be fuming, tho.
But, BUT, what I really wonder is:
C'mon, I cannot be the only who thought this.
Andddddddddd roll credits.
Did you watch "The Wrong Car?" Have you (or would you) ever used Uber or Lyft? What was your experience like? Let me know in the comments below!
Riding the Lifetime Lyft to insanity, I am,