On Saturday afternoon, Military Husband and I watched the horror/comedy movie Cooties. I can totally see why this film was a huge hit at 2014's Sundance Film Festival. If you like silly, but smart zombie movies, this one is for you (and it was directed by Insidious's Leigh Whannell, who is starting to grow on me). When the movie ended, this conversation occurred:
Me: There is NOTHING on tv tonight.
Military Husband: Your movie.
Now folks, I have a confession. Military Husband and I went out on the town Saturday evening. I skipped my "Lifetime Duty" and DVR'ed instead. I finally watched the
bowl of vomit Lifetime masterpiece Sunday afternoon.
And, if I am totally being honest here, I mean:
Me and Usher got some explaining to do. #word
I "may" have fast forwarded through some of the boring parts. But, BUT, with a title like:
Could you blame me?
Right. Let's press on. "Don't Wake Mommy" stars Ashley Bell, the actress from Last Exorcism 1 & 2, as Molly and Sara Rue, who is a Lifetime contract actress, as Beth. The last Lifetime movie I saw Sara in was 2008's Nightmare At The End of The Hall.
I actually liked this movie.
It was made back in the "good ole" Lifetime days.
As you all know, I like to give a plot roundup for those of you who eat all the cookie dough before anyone can start baking. P.S. Dough gives you worms, people. #justsaying
"Don't Wake Mommy" was like:
Oh, you have no idea. It was Lifetime's own film form of Ambien. More like, Ambien chased with a bottle of red wine. To the point that Military Husband came in the room and it was like:
Right. Let's press on. "Don't Wake Mommy" begins with Beth at Doctor Bob and his wife Tina's house. It seems Beth is pregnant with Doctor Bob's child and Doctor Bob wants nothing to do with his mistress. Beth grabs a knife and threatens to kill herself, and after Doctor Bob begs her to "think of the baby," she holds the knife to Doctor Bob's throat. Then, she leaves and stabs the front door with the knife a few hundred times.
Eh, she is a #Lifetimepsychodoingpsychothangs.
Suddenly, we are in the room with Dr. Maya and Molly, who is having a sonogram while FaceTiming her firefighter husband, Brad. Just as Dr. Maya is about to reveal the sex of the baby, the call drops. Molly tells Dr. Maya that Brad is "always forgetting to charge his phone." The day your wife has an important doctor's appointment? Really? This here Brad sounds like a Lifetime Husband alright, also known as a REAL winner.
We flash forward in Lifetime Land and Molly is up all night, alone, with her baby, Ava. Molly is seen going through the woes of being a Lifetime mom. She is worn out, breast feeding which equals sobriety (no bottles for mommy), her baby has recently discovered screaming until everyone's ears bleed is super fun, her firefighting husband conveniently has picked up a bunch of new shifts to avoid said baby of the damned AND she is jealous of her bff Susan, who is at work #winning. One day, Molly goes out for coffee and runs into Dr. Maya. After Molly completely breaks down over her caramel macchiato, Dr. Maya deduces that Molly has post partum depression and she should make an appointment asap. However, later that evening, Brad gives Molly a web address for a "Mothers With Infants Possessed By The Devil" support group.
Surprisingly not run by the Winchester brothers.
But truly, I digress.
Molly hops online to check out this group.
Oh right, it does take a village.
The village idiots over at Lifetime, that is.
Immediately, a woman named Beth wants to be her new online friend. Molly chats with Beth online and in real time, and the very next day, Molly meets Beth and her infant son Robert at the park. Wow, Molly. Stranger danger, much? You JUST met this woman online and you are meeting up with her? And bringing your infant to meet said stranger?
Typical Lifetime mom. #stupidasf*ck
Beth tells Molly she was a nurse in a maternity ward before she became a mom and her baby daddy is not in the picture. Although she is "just fine" now, Beth went a little nuts while she was pregnant (ya know, stuff like threatening the baby daddy with a knife and carving up his front door #nobiggie). Molly empathizes with Beth and the two return to Molly's house. Because she is super tired (and SUPER f*cking stupid), she takes a nap and Beth "watches" Ava and Robert which basically means Beth creeps around the house plotting out more #psychothangs.
The babies are like, da fuck you leave me with?
The next day, Beth is hanging out with Molly again at her home. Suddenly, Molly's best friend Susan arrives with a gift for Ava. It is, no kidding, a big ass rock that Susan claims is an "amethyst - Ava's birthstone." Um, what the hell is a baby going to do with a rock? Have you ever heard of Fisher Price, Susan? Pack and Play? That kid is gonna grow up with more issues than Vanity Fair.
And one day, she will be a Lifetime Teen In Peril!
After presenting her gift, Beth joins the two to chat. It should come as no big surprise that Susan and Beth do not like each other. Susan leaves and, later that day, texts Molly that she does not trust Beth. However, Molly is asleep and Beth reads the texts. She texts Susan "Beth is here for me and Ava and you aren't!"
And deletes Molly's text history. The next day, Molly decides she wants to do something nice for Beth so she invites Beth out for a girl's night. The two head out for drinks while Brad keeps the babies. Molly tells Beth that she used to have a "bit of a drinking problem," but you know, pregnancy.
Double fisting for the win!
While at the bar, Molly and Beth run into Susan and another one of Molly's former co-workers, Jan. To make awkward conversation, Beth regales them all with the tale of how she got knocked up by a married doctor at her old work, the St. Regis Hospital. But, BUT, Susan reminds Beth that she told Susan she worked at West Hills Hospital. Then, Beth starts in with a round of #Lifetimepsychodoingpsychothangs by yelling at everyone, "YOU SHOULD ALL BE HOME WITH YOUR BABIES!" and runs out of the bar.
At this point, Military Husband recognizes actress Sara Rue who plays Beth.
Military Husband: Wait a minute. Wait. Isn't that the chick from Can't Hardly Wait?
Military Husband: You know. "Sheeps. You are all sheeps. Baa-aaa-aaa."
Anyhoo, the next day, Susan is investigating Beth's stories. She calls St. Regis Hospital and obtains Doctor Bob's personal phone number. Meanwhile, Molly is avoiding Beth. Beth calls Molly and begs her to meet for lunch. At lunch, Beth tells Molly that she still has post partum depression and she is taking anti-depressants which, when mixed with alcohol, are a recipe for a #Lifetimepsychodoingpsychothangs. Then, she encourages Molly to have an adult beverage at lunch. In the next scene, we find Molly like this:
Nope, not assuming the Lifetime position.
Passed out cold. #boozingmommyonfleek
Brad arrives and wakes Molly up. Little Ava is nowhere to be found. Suddenly, they both hear Ava's
demonic shrills cries. Molly left Ava in the car and passed out! Brad is furious, and Beth arrives "confused." She said that during lunch, Molly was complaining about her life and how she missed the good ole days when she was a raging alcoholic. Brad insists Molly see Dr. Maya about her post partum depression. Meanwhile, Susan finally reaches Doctor Bob. Doctor Bob tells Susan that Beth tricked him. She was never pregnant and is sterile.
Wait, then what about Beth's "baby" Robert?
not getting good.
The next day, Beth tries to make Molly a smoothie. Molly refuses to drink it, so Beth laces Molly's water with drugs. At the same time, Susan is meeting a woman named Donna who is friends with Beth. Donna met Beth at BabyBumpers.com, some Lifetime Fetish Website for women who like to wear "baby bumps." And, when she gets really randy, she likes to wear her bump to the bar.
Military Husband (upon hearing this):
Susan asks Donna about Beth's baby. Donna tells Susan that Beth's mom has a "baby" named Albert, but it is one of those creepy "Reborn Baby" dolls.
And now we know why Beth is insane.
Beth also once told Donna about a neighbor's baby and Susan wants to find Beth's mom. Back at Molly's, Brad receives a call from Dr. Maya. Molly's drug tests reveal she has oxycontin and sleeping pills in her system. Brad is, again, pissed and leaves. Molly is left to take care of Beth, also known as, keep trying to drug her. Suddenly, Susan barges in and accuses Beth of being a Lifetime psycho. Beth attacks Susan and this happens:
The next day, Molly wakes up to find Ava and Beth gone. A cell phone is lying on her floor ringing and it is Donna, looking for Susan. Molly is confused and runs around looking for Ava. She goes to Beth's apartment, but Beth has cleaned it out and skipped town. She is about to report Ava's disappearance to 911 when she remembers Donna called looking for Susan. Molly finds Susan dead in the closet and calls Donna to find out where Beth's mom lives. Molly heads to Beth's mom's house, sneaks in and finds Beth's mom playing with her Reborn Doll, Albert.
Oh! And Beth's mom is:
Denise Crosby who played Rachel Creed in Pet Semetery!
Beth's mom attacks Molly claiming that Molly is trying to steal Beth's twins. Molly gets away and locks Beth's mom in the room. Then, she finds Beth. Beth tells Molly that she pawned off Ava every chance she could to a total stranger she met on the Internet. And I am like, well, she kind of has a point. Beth attacks Molly and Molly stabs Beth with a syringe full of Lifetime Death Juice!
Do you see what I see in the corner, friends?
Next week - V.C. Andrews My Sweet Audrina!
Molly finds Ava, and Beth still is not dead. She begs Molly to finish her off with the Lifetime Death Juice. Molly ignores the request and the Lifetime Police Department arrive. Beth is taken away and baby Robert is reunited with his parents.
Andddddddd roll credits.
Folks, this was just awful. I would like to thank Military Husband for the lovely Saturday evening night off from this
crap drama and:
For helping me through this recap.
Did you watch "Don't Wake Mommy"? Have you ever heard of people faking baby bumps as a fetish? Are you watching V.C. Andrews "My Sweet Audrina" next week? Let me know in the comments below!
I wanna go to Lifetime rehab in 2016 because I am,