December 3, 2015

Mili Wifey's Ratchet Christmas Music Playlist

Aw, c'mon girl.

In my Agent Trip voice. #AgentsofSHIELD

You really did not think I would not address hoodrat shenanigans for the holidays, did you? However, this time, I am bringing it to you musically. If you did not know, I love music. Military Husband and I even did an entire post together about some of our favorite music; you can read it here at:

Military Wife & Husband (Guest) Post: Our Top 5 Favorite Albums of All Time!

Christmas music, on the other hand, is annoying as all hell not your girl's favorite. Why? 1) The over saturation is obnoxious (EVERY.SINGLE.STORE.PLAYS.IT.OVER.AND.OVER. - do they all have the same mix tape or what?) and 2) Everyone in the industry, including some actors/actresses/(*groan*)YouTubers, think they need to do a cover of a Christmas tune.

And they think they do it well. When really it is like:

But truly, I digress.

When I do want to hear a few Christmas jams, I like to kick up My Ratchet Christmas Music Playlist on Spotify. It makes me laugh, it makes me smile and it makes me think of all the silent night, "turnt" up nights in the ghetto that is my hometown.

Mili Wifey's Ratchet Christmas Music Playlist 

1) Christmas In Hollis by RUN DMC

If Christmas in Hollis is not on your playlist, you must not be an OG. 

Props if you make your limo driver play 
this every time you pull up to Nakatomi Plaza.

This song is so delightful, and one of the few popular rap songs that is "clean." Seriously, Christmas in Hollis was a HUGE hit in 1987 and is a classic.

Military Husband wanted me to add in: "Don't mess with Reverend Run. He's a man of God."


2) Deck Da Club by Ying Yang Twins

When they were not singing about being shaking it like a saltshaker, The Ying Yang Twins were providing holiday music for those dancers of the "exotic" type.

Lyrics include:
"Deck da club with bows of money, she make you think that she your honey."
"Ho, Ho, Ho, take off your clothes, get yourself some 20s for working the pole."

Hey, someone has to spend Christmas at "The Dirty Elves Candy Cane Club."

Barney would approve.

3) 12 Days of Ghetto Christmas by Quad City DJ's, K-Nock & The 69 Boys

You remember Quad City DJs, right? They were the wonderful lyricists who provided the movie SpaceJam with its title song.

You know when you are providing music for one of the worst movies of all time's soundtrack, you probably should not be rousing up a holiday tune.

But, BUT, they did it anyway.

Lyrics include:
"When I come home I wanna see,
This underneath my Christmas tree,
With da big booty girl you left for me."

How festive.

4) Santa Claus Goes Straight To The Ghetto by Snoop Dogg featuring Nate Dogg (RIP

A joyous song about pimping, smoking weed and being a gangsta for life.

With lyrics like:
"Everyone happy, hair still nappy,
gonna steal a gift for my old grandpappy."


"Now on the second day of Christmas, my homeboy gave to me,
a fifth of the Hendog and told me to take my mind off that weed."

Drop it like it's Christmas.

5) World Christmas by R Kelly

It really is not so much that this song is ratchet, it is just because R Kelly. You know I HAD to put him somewhere on this list.

This is a man who has brought us classics like "I Like The Crotch On You" and "Sex Weed." R Kelly's contribution to the music world is lyrical rhymes such as:

 "Girl, I promise this will be painless, we'll take a trip to the planet Uranus."

And we can not forget this:

Is R Kelly REALLY the first thing you think of at Christmas?

Incidentally, R Kelly has promised to make a Christmas album featuring "plenty of lovemaking" tunes. After all, he is the original #sexdolphin. 


6) Merry Muthafuckin' Xmas by Easy E

Easy E, rest in peace. After watching Straight Outta Compton this year, I do have a bit of respect for the man, Dre and Ice Cube. But I also know that most of the music was done while he was flying high, if you know what I mean.

Let me just go ahead and forewarn you about playing this tune at MawMaw's this year.

The lyrics include, well, too raunchtastic for this blog. As a bit of fun musical trivia, however, did you know two of the Black Eyed Peas got their start on Easy E's Christmas record?

Yep, and are rapping alongside Easy E in this tune. They were both teenagers attending Palisades Charter High School in West Los Angeles at at the time. #themoreyouknow

7) Santa Baby by RUN DMC, featuring Mase, Diddy, Snoop Dogg, Salt N' Peppa, Onyx & Keith Murray

Not gonna lie, I was listening to this on the way to the grocery store a few days ago.

I pretty much LOVE anything Salt N'Peppa did (and I probably can rap most of the lyrics from their songs #ratchet4LIFE).

Lyrics include:
"It was December 25th I knew I wasn't getting jack
when I saw Santa Claus on the corner buying crack.
I ran up on him and asked "yo whats up with that?"
He said "there ain't no Christmas kid" and I can't get him back."

Incidentally, this song was featured in The Simpsons.

8) Ludacrismas by Ludacris

Raise your hand if you remember a horrible film from about eight years ago titled Fred Claus. No? I am fairly certain Vince Vaughn, Paul Giamatti, Elizabeth Banks and Kevin Spacey have "forgotten" all about it, as well.

Luda-claus's contribution was a wonderfully hoodrat tune simply titled "Ludacrismas."

"Tell em all I want for Christmas is two gold front teeth" begins the lyrical journey. And that says it all.

Shake your mistletoe maker.

9) 8 Days of Christmas by Destiny's Child 

Your girl LOVES Beyonce. This could not be a popping ratchet list without some music by Bey. Beyonce, Michelle and Kelly Rowland are slaying in this live performance.

Sleigh that #XMAS, ladies.

With lyrics like:
"On the second day of Christmas my baby gave to me,
The keys to a CLK Mercedes
On the first day of Christmas my baby gave to me,
Quality T.I.M.E"

Who else misses the Destiny's Child's empowering songs? They just said no to bugaboos, taught us how to be independent women and were survivors. Those were the days.

Le Sigh. 

10) Ho, Ho, Ho by Ying Yang Twins

I know, I KNOW, Ying Yang Twins are on this list twice. But, BUT, these asshats individuals made an entire Christmas album.

I remember the Ying Yang Twins for a lot of club music in the early 2000s. It was horrible something else.

Lyrics include:
"Santa I've been good all year,
can I get me some weed 
and a 12 pack of beer."


"Merry Christmas, you ho ho hoe."

Merry Crunkmas, ya filthy animals.

What are some of your favorite Christmas songs? Whose cover of a Christmas song do you enjoy most? Let me know in the comments below!

Pop, lock and dropping it on Santa's sleigh, I am,


  1. Just don't try da peein on what ya luv round my momma - she doesn't think it are a good way to show ya luv da bed (as I knows from eggsperience years and years ago) BOL BOL!

  2. Um...I honestly didn't know any of these existed. LOL! My fave is Merry Christmas Darling =)

  3. Oh wow! Hilarious! You've done it again!! I must have tuned these songs out when they came out...!

  4. I have to check these songs out because, like you, I am not fond of Christmas music. I don't mind it once in a great while but can't stand to hear it over and over and over. Makes me want to pull my hair.

  5. YAYAYAYAYAY Mom she finally saw Agent Carter Advertised on the TVeeeees last night. Now at least she knows what this is about
    Ohhhhh Maddie I'm so sorry this crazypants weather is messing with your sinuses. That must be uncomfortable for a sweet Puglady. It bothers the peeps too. It makes mom's eyes feel like they are too big for where they live. MOL
    Hugs madi your bfff

  6. Your ratchet Christmas list cracked me up. I've only heard a couple of those. I used to listen to Christmas music while driving and working...earlier this week while decorating the tree I was listening to a true crime novel! Very little Christmas music this year in my world. Just what I've heard while watching Christmas movies and shopping in stores.

    1. My mom puts that XM channel on with Christmas tunes. Jingle or Holly....or's so awful!!!
      I think I'm negative because I once studied at Starbucks for finals for endless days and memorized their Christmas album. I even knew when the skip came on the cd. Law school ruined me, I tell ya...I used to be so sweet and innocent and was all look at the little birdies.

  7. Mum is also not crazy about too much Christmas music at one time!!! She was telling me that years ago when she lived in CT, she worked at Macy's in the Furniture Dept. The Desk was right next to the Gift Wrap department in in AUGUST they already had a Santa Claws that kept playing the same song (she said she blocked which one it was out of her mind, it drove her crazy) over and over again. She asked if they could turn it off, but of course they wouldn't!!!!

  8. Hahahaha yes to all of these!!! So awesome.

  9. Did not know these uh - gems - existed. Mom puts the Christmas CD's in the player on Christmas Eve and Christmas Morning - thats it
    Mr Bailey, Hazel & Mabel

    1. Yes. Gems. Great description!! Lol!!
      I'm teaching you something every day!

  10. I had never heard of most of these songs. Some people must either know someone or pay someone to get these albums out, lol!!

    1. Hahaha! Really? Not even Christmas in Hollis? They used that in a very famous movie.
      I must be getting old...

  11. Those are some fun Christmas songs lol! I admit to not being into any Christmas music this year, not sure why!

    1. Glad I'm not alone!! I just can't with them this year!

  12. Now, if I can only request these when the carolers come to the door this holiday season! LOL!

  13. O.M.G. I am dying here! BAHAHAHA!!!!! This is priceless. The lyrics......holy crap. You must have laughed when you saw that Xmas music was also on my holiday grinchy list. LOL I hate Rap Xmas music!

    1. Yes I totally agree with your grinch list! Bah humbug! I'm totally like Bill Murrays character in Scrooged! Cross a thing they nail people to!! Lol

  14. DEAD. I am laughing so hard. I had no idea most of these even existed! And that R.Kelly lyric. Is that for real?!?!

    1. Girl, yes. I know my R Kelly music. He is a freak. Hahaha.
      You gotta come by my blog more often! I'm all about ridiculous behavior. Military Husband was telling me all about some girls peppermint holiday braids he saw today and how he wanted to take a pic for my blog.
      Ratchet foolishness - it's a family affair. Lol!

  15. Speaking on behalf of me and Cam, we like those Barking Dogs who do Christmas songs.
    Yours sincerely,
    Margaret Thatcher

    1. Omg. LOL! The girls go nuts if we play that! Hahahahaha

  16. HAHA, excellent ratchet X-mas song compilation! Boy, do I sure remember the Ying Yang twins from my party days in the early 2000s, lol...Also remember seeing Snoop live once in Frankfurt, Germany, together with my sis. It was essentially once big weed party. Boy oh boy.

    1. Lmfao!! I do too. Their "music" was played in every bar/club.

  17. Lol ohhhhhh Lordy! I haven't heard of ANY of these, and I grew up in Ratchetville. I need to seriously step up my game, girl!

  18. Any list with Run DMC on it is perfect as far as I'm concerned.

  19. I knew the Run DMC ones and Destiny's child but you just opened up a whole new world of Ratchet Christmas tunes!! LMAO

    1. Lmbo!
      I keep hearing the Run DMC song in a commercial this Christmas!


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