On Saturday, I was happily playing with all my new Christmas gifts, drinking wine and beguiling the New Year upon us. Then, this conversation happened:
Military Husband: OH. I saw your movie. It looks really stupid and crazy. I was going to tape it for you.
Me: What movie?
Military Husband: You know, the Lifetime one.
Me: But, BUT, what happened to all the Christmas movies? "Deadly Christmas Husband"? "The Miracle Stepmother of Christmas"? "Santa's Sleigh Full of Surrogates"? Surely there has to be one more Lifetime holiday movie with Lacey Chabert?
Legit. She was in like EVERY.SINGLE.MOVIE.
I realized my holiday break was officially over when I saw:
"Stalked By My Doctor" stars Eric Roberts as Dr. Albert Beck. You know Eric - Julia's brother and Emma's dad. He has been acting for decades and is easily pushing 100 now.
He is actually 59. But damn, he looks old.
As you all may remember, I like to give a little plot synopsis for those of you like me who drink all the champagne before the ball drops in Times Square. Basically, "Stalked By My Doctor" is like:
Most of you never saw this
disgusting garbage movie.
No lie, Roberts is looking like a dusty corpse in this movie.
So not sexy.
But truly, I digress.
"Stalked By My Doctor" opens with Dr. Beck being stood up by his internet date at a restaurant. He quickly leaves, murmuring something about her being a "stupid bitch." I really could not blame him after her nasty voicemail threatening "don't write on my wall I'm gonna block you."
Facebook blocking is sooooo 2011.
We then meet Sophie Green, an 18 year old high school senior, also known as a TEEN IN PERIL! At least there is that, but still watching this
pile of snowman poo Lifetime movie my #mood:
Sophie gets injured in a car accident because her boyfriend Ryan was texting and driving and is rushed to the hospital. Of course, Dr. Beck is the cardiac surgeon who saves Sophie's life. He immediately becomes enamored with Sophie while she is on the operating table. At the same time, Sophie's dad Jim yells at Ryan for almost killing his daughter, but Ryan is all:
Because he is a Lifetime Teen or a "little asshole."
Well Jim, while you are tossing Ryan's phone in the hazardous materials bin (insurance will just cover a new one, #likeduh), this is happening in Sophie's recovery room:
Dr. Beck is making out and stroking an unconscious Sophie.
Looks like Lifetime is keeping up the ew factor. #luckyme
Later on, Dr. Beck takes out another internet date to a restaurant. He tells her how he would love to take her to his home in Cabo San Lucas. After all, it has a bedroom overlooking the ocean, *wink wink*. He also proposes she quit her job, become a kept woman and start birthing his babies. Now friends, I know several
ruthless skanks women in my hood that would jump at the chance to become Dr. Beck's or any doctor's wife.
But, BUT, this girl is like oh hell to the no and runs out of the restaurant. Dr. Beck chases her calling her a "fat assed bitch" and yells:
"I'm unfriending you!!"
The next day, Dr. Beck checks on Sophie's recovery by offering to rub ointment on her scar. Barf. He heads home to fantasize about Sophie. Meanwhile, Sophie goes to see Ryan who has been ignoring her calls. Ryan tells her that his leg is broken and he will never run at full speed again. Then, he orders her out of his room and hops back on his PS4 to play another round of Unchartered.
And I am all wow, you almost killed your girlfriend, Ryan.
Anyhoo, the next day, Sophie goes to a followup appointment with Dr.
Lech Beck. She brings him a stuffed teddy bear and a thank you card, which might as well have been a pair of her panties and a dirty text message in Dr. Lech Beck's mind. He then decides to start stalking Sophie, and follows her and her best friend Caitlyn to a cafeteria. While there, he asks Sophie to go to the movies with him and Sophie politely declines. This leads to Dr. Lech Beck in an alley like this:
Dumpster Diving Doctors, a new series on E! coming May 2016.
Screaming "But I am a doctor!!!" over and over again, basically going nuts because he is a #Lifetimepsychodoingpsychothangs.
Sophie heads home and tells her parents that Dr.
Lech Beck is creepy as f*ck and she wants a new doctor. While her mother agrees, her father Jim tells her that Dr. Lech Beck is the best doctor in town and she should just deal with the flirting because you know, "guys will be guys." And I am like, REALLY, Jim? This doctor is hitting on your teenage daughter and you think she should be ok with it because guys have penis and penis need loving? Did I mention said doctor is as old as a rerun of Gunsmoke?
The thought of sex with Dr. PawPaw is like:
In case I was not thoroughly disgusted, Dr.
PawPaw The Lech Beck breaks into Sophie's room, sniffs her nightgown and rolls around in her sheets "fantasizing," if you know what I mean. Sophie comes home to find Ryan at her front door apologizing, and she and Ryan head back to the bedroom. While Ryan gives Sophie a ring and engages in a little hide the reindeers antlers, Dr. PawPaw The Lech Beck hides in the closet.
#forrealtho, do all pervs hang out in closets?
It is not a Mili Wifey post without R Kelly. Am I right? #oramIright
The next morning, Dr.
PawPaw The Lech Beck asks a nurse when Ryan's next appointment is and surprise, it happens to be that day. Dr. PawPaw The Lech Beck goes to "check" on Ryan and grabs his cell phone. Then, Dr. PawPaw The Lech Beck texts Ryan's best friend this:
Did they really blur out tit?
Dirty old men and high school hookers are ok, but they edit out tit? #justcanteven
And his best friend and Sophie's best friend Caitlyn see it and immediately call Sophie. Sophie is furious with Ryan. Ryan claims he never sent the text and asks his best friend when it was received. Realizing it was Dr.
PawPaw The Lech Beck, Ryan heads to the Perv Mansion, aka Dr. PawPaw The Lech Beck's house and accuses him of sending the nasty text. Ryan attempts to hit Dr. PawPaw The Lech Beck with a cane, and he falls. Dr. PawPaw The Lech Beck threatens to call the police and leaves Ryan to crawl his way back to his car. Ryan texts Sophie that Dr. PawPaw The Lech Beck tortured him and is in love with her. While reading the message at the mall, Dr. PawPaw The Lech Beck shows up with a present for Sophie which she refuses to accept:
You know she is too young for you if you are buying her American Girl dolls.
At this point, I am also wondering how the hell Dr.
PawPaw The Lech Beck get around so fast? Viagra must be like go go juice.
Rejected again, Dr.
PawPaw The Lech Beck heads home to take out all his frustrations on the doll. And, you guessed it, the doll assumes the Lifetime position.
If this were a better movie, that doll would totally get even with Dr.
PawPaw The Lech Beck.
But alas, this is Lifetime and the movie and the doll blowwwwwww.
The next day, Sophie and her mom Adrienne head to the hospital to request a new doctor. Dr.
PawPaw The Lech Beck is upset and decides to take revenge on Adrienne. He finds out she is allergic to penicillin and he laces some menopause medicine with penicillin and mails it to her. How he was able to create fake pharmaceutical labels and knew that she ordered menopause medicine online is never explained.
Why? Because this is Lifetime and we are supposed to suspend all belief of plausible logistics.
So, because Lifetime, Adrienne takes the pills and Sophie finds her like this:
Assuming the Lifetime position. Que sera sera.
Sophie races her to the emergency room and her life is saved. Dr.
PawPaw The Lech Beck is not happy, so he tries to grab Sophie in a parking garage. When this fails, he chases her in his car. Then, out of nowhere, the Lifetime Police Department arrives at Sophie's parents home. There is a news report that Sophie died in a fiery crash and was burnt "beyond recognition." But, BUT, she is not dead. She is actually tied up in Dr. PawPaw The Lech Beck's bedroom.
50 Shades of Grey Hairs, indeed.
PawPaw The Lech Beck plans to take Sophie to Mexico and, in time, she will come around and want to do the geriatric electric lambada with him. While Sophie's dad Jim plans her funeral, Ryan and Sophie's mom investigate Sophie's crash. They think someone fake Sophie's death and that someone was Dr. PawPaw The Lech Beck. Upon arriving at the Perv Mansion, Ryan barges in and looks for Sophie. However, Sophie is trapped in a box unconscious so they do not find her. The next day, Sophie tries to escape by seducing Dr. PawPaw The Lech Beck. He unties her arms and she attempts stabbing him. Dr. PawPaw The Lech Beck stops her and says that maybe he play "operation," removing her legs, arms and voice. Because then MAYBE she will appreciate him and all he will have to do for her.
And I am all:
Because this plot is getting dumb and dumber.
While he gathers his surgical tools, Sophie escapes the ties. She finds Dr.
PawPaw The Lech Beck and beats him with a golf club. And she races home to arrive at her own funeral where everyone is elated to see her. Dr. PawPaw The Lech Beck? He eludes the completely useless Lifetime Police Department and heads to Mexico where he can star in "Stalked By My Doctor 2"!
Anddddddddd roll credits.
This is me, Mili Wifey. Tied up like a sacrifice to the souless world of bad Lifetime movies. And I am like:
But seriously, Happy New Year friends.
Did you watch "Stalked By My Doctor"? Has a doctor ever creeped you out? If your doctor hit on you, what would you do? Let me know in the comments below!
My New Years resolution is more Lifetime because I am,