November 19, 2015

Mili Wifey's Thanksgiving Guide For Ratchets (10 Thanksgiving Day Tips)



Recently, I happened across a blog post titled "Reasons Why I Like Your Blog" or something of that nature. Some of the reasons why this blogger enjoys "your blog" is because the posts are useful, teach her something, inspire her and are full of important information.


Anyhoo, this got me to thinking: what topic do I write about that is something you can use, teaches you all something and is important? Oh wait, I know:

Ratchet foolishness.

I am pretty much your resident expert on all that is ghetto. #smalltownlife #Tupaconcewroteasongaboutmycity 

I got you #booboo on stuff like this:

When in doubt, twerk it out.

This:

It is not a fight until weave hits the floor.

And this:


Now, nothing brings out the ratchetosity like the holidays. Last month, I covered Mili Wifey's Trick Or Treating Guide For Ratchets for Halloween. And as we all know, Thanksgiving is upon us. For the average non-ratchet folks, Thanksgiving is a time for gathering with our family to give thanks for all of our blessings. But for ratchets, Thanksgiving is a time to fight, pull weave, cook up strange side dishes, get a little drunk and land in jail.


And that goes for all the ratchets - even the bougie upper middle class ratchets. Your girl admits that she can be a little ratchet. I mean, let's face it, 99.9% of the time, I would rather sleep, drink wine and eat cheesy poofs than be productive.

#Ratchet4Life

With that being said, I now present to you Mili Wifey's Thanksgiving Guide For Ratchets, 10 of my special tips to guide the ratchet in you through Thanksgiving Day. Just in case the family can not handle all that fierce fabulous ratchetness within your soul.

Mili Wifey's Thanksgiving Guide For Ratchets
(10 Thanksgiving Day Tips)

1) The Kids Are NOT Alright

The holidays always involve the magic of children - many, MANY children, including your nieces, nephews, cousins, nieces children, nieces children's children, nieces children's children's children. You get the idea. When I was younger, my parents would force me to attend Thanksgiving at my elderly Italian Aunt Jada's home (RIP). And a Thanksgiving with her would just not be the same without a large romper room filled with demon spawn exalting Satan's name kids screaming and crying.


Hey, Catholics are prolific. #rhythmmethod

Eventually sadly, the children were allowed out to eat dinner and the following phrases were yelled on repeat, like an old vinyl record with a scratch:

"BUT I WANT....I WANT....I WANT...THE TURKEY LEG!!!!!!! GIMME IT!!!"

"I NEED MORE RED DRANK!!! I'M THIRSTY!!!"

"Momma, I'm telling, he hit me! He keeps hitting me! Momma, make him stop hitting me! Momma, momma, momma, momma, momma."

"That dog of MawMaw's done doo doo'ed over here." (points under the Thanksgiving dinner table) 

"Momma, momma, momma what does sociopathic bitch mean? Uncle Anthony just called Aunt Theresa that."

"GIMME THE SAUSAGE. GIVE IT TO ME!! GIVE ME THE SAUSAGE, YOU STINKBREATH DINGLEBERRY HEAD" (proceeds to grab all the Italian sausage out of the bowl and rub grimy child germs on them)

Let's just say that over the years, all of this "behavior" caused me to spend most of Thanksgiving like this:


If your children's behavior at Thanksgiving is comparable to feeding time at the pig trough, please, PLEASE my ratchet friends, for the love of my sobriety, stay home.

2) You Are Eating What?

Thanksgiving food is simple: turkey, dressing, cranberry sauce, rolls, green beans and pies. This is not the time to go rogue. But, BUT, when you are ratchet, weird and strange dishes are the order of the day. My Aunt Jada was an expert at this, as well. One year, Aunt Jada made a prune cake for dessert. You can imagine the delight of my grandfather (RIP) when he learned this was what he was eating.

PawPaw: Prunes? Are you serious? PRUNES?

Aunt Jada:


She also once made a holiday pizza out of leftover ham. Leftover meaning it sat around her home for three months before she dished it up, so to speak.

Again, my grandfather:

He was always the food guinea pig. 

I know, I KNOW, Ratchetina, Pinterest has some interesting concoctions that you might want to try on Turkey Day. 


But just don't.

3) Turkey Sauce-ed

There is always that one ratchet relative who has to attend EVERY holiday trashed. Sometimes, more than one. If you are pre-gaming Thanksgiving day, you might have a problem.


Look, I get it:


And sometimes necessary. Okay, it might be REALLY necessary. Just try not to get too sauced on Turkey Day that you cannot enjoy your dinner plate. Or try to stay sober enough that this does not happen at the table:

#drunkassratchet
*cough* I may have done that before once. Or twice. *cough*

4) Right Hook Punch

Holidays really can bring out the best in people, especially when you are ratchet. You have not seen your Cousin Tee Tee in awhile, but you heard at church last week that she was calling you the neighborhood tramp. And there is no better time than to bring this up than around the Thanksgiving table.

You: Tee Tee, you been calling me a tramp?

Cousin Tee Tee: No.

You: Well, Sherry and Mabel said you were and they are in your Sunday School class.

Cousin Tee Tee: They lie.

You: No, you lie. You always lie.

Cousin Tee Tee: Alright, I said it, but if the skank panties fit, wear em. And you wear them well.

And then.....


Unless your home is the set of The Bad Girls Club, this sort of thing really should not be happening EVER. I know, I KNOW, family pisses me off sometimes, too. But really, try not to add someone's weave to the table's Thanksgiving cornucopia.

Because friends, weave is expensive.


5) Po Po Pie

Speaking of fights, if the police have to be called on your home on Thanksgiving Day, you might be ghetto. Oh, yes, I am talking to you too Miss "But I live in a fancy gated community with a homeowners association, I cannot be hood." If you, your cousin and your aunt trickle your weave pulling tantrum out into the street, someone might call the police on you. And that is straight up ratchet foolishness.


My ratchet divas, do your best to stay out of the slammer on Thanksgiving Day.

6) Sticky Fingers Friday

Ah, the blessed day after Thanksgiving, also known as Black Friday - one of the biggest shopping days of the year. Also, one of the biggest thieving days of the year. Unless your family members are being cast for a Reservoir Dogs reboot, if they spend most of Thanksgiving afternoon plotting out a Black Friday heist they just MIGHT be ratchet.

But, BUT if Michael Madsen is at your Thanksgiving Dinner - #jealous.

I know, I KNOW, it has been awhile since Uncle T Bonez and Aunt Steal Your Wig and Cousin Robbin 4Life got together, but really, is the Thanksgiving dinner table the place for this sort of thing? Thieving is just plain wrong. I do not care what those folks on Reddit forums say; you will go to jail and you will end up playing do not drop the soap with your cell mate.


7) Nuke That Bird

When I was in high school, my MawMaw (RIP) got the grand idea that she would cook the Thanksgiving turkey. Now, this was a woman whose spaghetti was little more than her pouring some cold Ragu in a bowl over macaroni. And she was going to cook the biggest dish on the most important eating day of the year.


Right. Thus, Thanksgiving Day arrives and to all our surprise, we see MawMaw punching the buttons on her 1980s microwave. Oh yes, YES, she was microwaving the turkey. When the microwave went off, the turkey, which smelled pretty much like a combination of dirty gym socks and beef jerky, appeared in its dried, petrified form. My mother tasted a piece and was all:


My Mother: Boo, do NOT eat that. We will get McDonald's on the way home.

Teenage Me: Yesssssss. Super Size ME!

MawMaw: Anyone want some gravy on the turkey? I think I have some leftovers from the KFC we ate two weeks ago.


Seriously. If you cannot cook, have a meal prepared. Don't try it at home, Ghettorella.

8) Sweet Old PawPaw

To me, hands down, the grossest traditional Thanksgiving food is the sweet potato casserole.


My mom makes this side dish every single year. She pours a generic can of YAMS (it reads "YAMS" on the can, how freaking ratchet is that?) in a bowl, adds butter and tops with marshmallows. Can we say barf? Just look at that conglomeration in the picture above. Looks like something found in a baby's diaper, not something you ingest.

Deliberately, that is.

The worst part is when PawPaw's favorite dish happens to be sweet potato casserole, or pie, or anything with sweet potatoes. Why? Well, after you sit next to him for a few minutes, this will be you:


Nothing screams ratchet like family farts. And even worse, PawPaw gets the walking farts so just you try to carry that food back in the kitchen or clean up when PawPaw is wandering around, telling one of his stories.

I seriously cannot wait to be old tho. #fartingandIdontcarewhosmellsit

9) Thanks But NO Thanks, Facebook

Social media is really a hotbed of ratchet fuckery. You usually get the generic Thanksgiving Facebook statuses like:

"Happy Thanksgiving Facebook! #gobblegobble" (Editor's Note: Why do people on Facebook hashtag? They do realize this is not Twitter, right?)

and

"Like this status if you love eating turkey!!"

and

"Name your favorite Thanksgiving food and gooooooo!"

and

"Remember the real reason for Thanksgiving. Indians and stuff." (Editor's Note: I cannot even with this stupidity).

SO much intelligence over in the Facebook land.

My personal favorite statuses are from the true ghettos who post things like:

"I'm thankful my good for nothing ex-husband paid his damn child support so we could eat. #deadbeatmofo"

and

"Happy Thanksgiving to my cousin T-Nutz. Ya'll send him up some prayers, he only is getting one bologna sandwich tonight in lock up. And, ya'll he innocent. That wasn't his dimebag and that sure the hell wasn't his glock. #fuckthepolice"

and

"Anyone want to hit up "Wild Titties" after Thanksgiving dinner later tonight? Txt me."

Well, Warrant made that strip club anthem "Cherry Pie" for a reason. 

But yeah, just NO.

10) Burning Down The House

Some of you should not be cooking on Thanksgiving. And, yes, YES, you KNOW who you are.


Look, if you cannot cook, order takeout. Order a premade meal. Come over to my house. Just avoid the kitchen at all costs. Because friends, burning down your house on Thanksgiving Day is about as ratchet as you can get #pureratchetosity.


Hopefully, these tips will help you have a ratchet free Thanksgiving. Since you all know I am all about that lyrical life, I will end with this:

Thanksgiving Day is time to get your fill to eat.
Calm your ratchetness so your ass doesn't get beat.
Thankfulness is what it is for,
Not throwing weaves on the floor.
So enjoy your turkey and get your belly fat.
And try not to be a dirty hoodrat.

Oh. And if for some reason you just absolutely cannot avoid the craziness during the holidays, well, if you cannot beat them, join them.

I'll just leave this right here. #PUDDING

Bird is the word, and I am thankful for it, 

52 comments:

  1. BAHAHA This was TOOOO funny!! But oh, I miss Thanksgiving so much...!

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    1. Thanksgiving food is bomb!! It's so sinfully good!!

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  2. I can't wait for my first Thanksgiving!!!

    Ziggy Out!!

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  3. Pudding. LMAO!

    We're having a family free Thanksgiving this year and I am so glad.

    PS I gave my husband some Airborne things for his hangover and it cured him right up. Thank you!

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    1. I love that our Thanksgiving is just Military Husband, my mom and dad and I. So much better than the old days!! Lol.
      I'm so glad!! Girl I know my hangovers. Tell your husband to always drink a glass of oj and take a couple of Advil before he passes out after drinking. Really helps to make the morning a little easier!!

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  4. Seriously....I CAN"T!!!! Hilarious!!! Love your blog and all of it's craziness!! Happy thanksgiving!! PS-Thank you for the Jansen Ackles pic to close things!! =) Have a great weekend!!

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  5. It is one of those things that is better with family - like Christmas - when there are just two of you t doesn't seem as much fun

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    1. I don't mind it at all! My dads extended family was so crazy for years. But I'm glad we have my parents to spend it with still.

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  6. OMG.....Yep, memories of the past. This year it'll be just me and the hubby eating TG dinner at Denny's!

    Have a wonderful holiday!

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    1. Aw girl!! Well I'll be thinking of you at Denny's!! If you were closer, I'd invite you over! No crazies here! That aren't tolerable that is! Lol

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  7. Ah yes the holidays with family! I am with you - Thanksgiving dinner is Turkey, stuffing, mashed taters, vegetables and rolls, gotta have deviled eggs and then pumpkin pie for dessert. No weird stuff and NO sweet potato casserole
    hugs
    Mr Bailey, Hazel & Mabel

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    Replies
    1. See? I'm not the only one who finds that yuck! Deviled eggs!! Yes I gotta make those lol.

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  8. oh my...this was like reading something in a different language. I haven't heard of half these things but I giggled the whole way through.

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  9. You provide a very valuable service and we thank you for it!! Ready for Jessica Jones??

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  10. Give me a minute while I lick mom's face she has turned red and is laughing hysterically
    Hugs madi your bfff

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  11. All I can think of is the girls fights at the high school where I worked. You have never seen ghetto until you see a group fight with weave flying out of the pile like a Looney Tunes cartoon! I swear that I tried not to laugh...really, I tried.
    Is now the time to admit that I LOVE sweet potatoes? Maybe it's a southern thing. ☺

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    1. Lol!! Oh I'd love to see that!
      My mom is from Georgia so yeah....it could be!

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  12. You are almost making me glad we aren't having family over for Thanksgiving this year. It'll just be us.

    I wish I could order takeout. But I'm just going to whine and cook. Whine and cook.

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    1. Lmao!! Hahahaha. Well for me it will be wine and cook. Wine and cook.

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  13. This has me laughing so hard, I love it!

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    Replies
    1. Oh yay! Making y'all laugh makes me happy!!

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  14. My God this is funny. I always drink a lot on Thanksgiving. But this year, since there is so much ratchet drama going on in my extended family, I dropped the bomb last week and told them I would NOT be sharing this holiday with them. Just me, the hubs, my kids and their significant others... and of course, the pugs! Happy Thanksgiving!

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  15. Love the Supernatural references. Great post. I'll try to keep those in mind. LOL!

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    Replies
    1. I just got into Supernatural!! I'm on Season 8 now!!

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  16. We don't have Thanksgiving here....but we do have Christmas domestic violence. We think our relatives in the US, just watch the football game. Saw a cartoon recently where someone was stuffing the turkey with Valium, to have a quiet dinner. LOL!

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    1. Lol Valium? Oh goodness!
      That's so sad about domestic violence. I used to do volunteer work with our shelter here.

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  17. I can NOT stop laughing. I love your poem at the end. We decided to forgo the ridiculously large thanksgiving and do something very small- I'm pretty much the happiest mama in the world because of that decision. Also, one day I will make you homemade sweet potatoe casserole- canned?!?! I die.

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  18. I was just thinking I might need a little wine to get through the day. Whining kids, tension between relatives...who wouldn't need a drink?!

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    1. Haha, yes! We drink champagne. I make a fantastic champagne punch. You can't even tell there is booze in it! I highly recommend it, hahahaha.
      I'll post the recipe before Christmas.

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  19. I usually can't cook to save my soul so I leave that stuff up to the hubs. I love sweet potato casserole. I like my family (most of the time) so hopefully Thanksgiving goes well. It's at my house this year, with 30+ people. I look forward to the food and family. I do NOT look forward to all those people through my house.

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    1. 30 plus!! Oh my gosh!!
      I hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving!!

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  20. Well, I'll be working this Thanksgiving, and I'm glad I will :-) Can I just say family drama galore at my husband's stepmom's last year?! Who needs that? Happy Thanksgiving!!

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    1. Lmao!!! Hahaha I'd love to hear those stories!! I'm so envious of all these people with great, easy families!! My mom and dad are great but my dads family were asshats! For real tho! My mom is one awesome lady for dealing with them haha.
      I haven't met my inlaws yet. Can you believe it? We do text tho!! :)

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  21. LMAO this is so awesome. I am thankful we have a small Thanksgiving get together and we have the normal food except we do have homemade mac n cheese too.. I love my carbs ;)

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    1. Oh yes I love mac and cheese!! Military Husband hates cheese (he's not human) and so, none for us! Hahaha

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  22. LOL! Well, I'm sure you know in Hawaii that Thanksgiving meals include all kinds of stuff - sushi, chicken, noodles, etc. Like any other gathering here =).

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    1. I'm so jealous of your Aloha Thanksgiving!! JEALOUS!!!

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  23. I've never experienced a ratchet Thanksgiving, thankfully. Have a good one! :)

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