You know Saturday night is approaching when you start to get the itching, burning sensation that just is not normal. The struggle I have accepted on your behalf is real and this week it came in the form of:
Unfortunately, we did not have a really fun movie to watch before Lifetime's "Caught." Military Husband is home in bed recovering from surgery and, of course, there are NO good movies for rental. When I told Military Husband that we needed to watch the Lifetime Movie O'Week he was like:
But we did anyway because you know:
Bring it on, Lifetime.
Lifetime's "Caught" stars Stefanie Scott who I recently watched in Insidious: Chapter 3, which while not horrible, was not so good (unless you enjoy watching a CGI creature "petting" the final girl mid-movie; really, REALLY? The monster "pets" you? That shit is not scary, it is just plain weird. #ew #justno). I am taking a stab in the dark that Stefanie has not been offered many Oscar winning scripts since that film.
And thus, a Lifetime star is born.
The movie also features Anna Camp who is best known for her role as Sarah Newlin on True Blood.
Now, I was one of those people who
suffered delved through 7 seasons of True Blood. I justify my actions by the pure camp and stupidity of the show making me laugh (that, and a lot of wine). With that being said, NO ONE could annoy me more than Sarah Newlin. So yeah, I did not have high hopes for a movie with her in a feature role. At least True Blood had some decent.....yeah, no, it did not have decent writing either, but because:
Nelsan Ellis was great.
At least I laughed.
Per the norm, I like to give a plot synopsis for those of you who want to guzzle the blood before you bite the neck, so to speak. "Caught" was like this:
Well, sort of (it does involve a prank gone wrong) and not really. Overall, I just had to throw Jawbreaker in the mix. Anyone else remember this movie? So 90s and SO bad.
But truly, I digress.
Let's press on. "Caught" begins with 18 year old Allie (Stefanie Scott) gagged and bound. Ah, YES. A TEEN IN PERIL! My favorite Lifetime plot device #itsnoteasybeingteen. Immediately, we see Sabrina (Anna Camp) whispering, "Allie, are you scared? Well you should be."
Damn straight, you should. When your career is circling the Lifetime drain, you should be terrified.
Flashback in Lifetime Land and we meet angsty Allie. Allie is your typical Lifetime teen, riddled with woes. By day, she is kicked off the track team for failing English and by night, she is serving chips and enchiladas at the family restaurant #pouts. Oh. And, on top of it ALL, she is doing the horizontal banana dance with a 36 year old married man.
Suddenly, Allie gets a text from Justin, her
perv boyfriend, that reads: "I miss you" and "I'm in the parking lot." Allie wanders outside and is kidnapped by Sabrina, Justin's wife, and Paige, Sabrina's 18 year old sister. You know, Allie really should have taken a trip to the Lifetime Hooker Lounge and consulted with all the Sugar Babies and high school babysitting prostitutes because they would have been like:
When she told them about Justin. This kind of thing NEVER ends well on Lifetime. Incidentally, do all the men on Lifetime sleep with teenagers? It is like a sex offender registry list gone wild.
Since she went rogue, Allie is now stuck in Justin and Sabrina's attic bound and gagged. Out of nowhere, Justin arrives home and Sabrina tells him to sit in the living room, have a drink and listen to some VERY loud porno-soundtrack sounding music. Sabrina heads up to the attic where Allie kicks her and makes her bleed. And then, this happens:
Allie assumes the Lifetime position! Well, not really, but she is out cold. While she sleeps, we flashback in Lifetime Land and see Justin and his business friends eating dinner at the restaurant where Allie works. Sleazily, Justin comes in the kitchen supply room to bump bones with Allie until they are both caught by Allie's mom. Of course, Justin uses lots of "great" lines like:
"We can take this as slow as you want."
"I couldn't resist you."
And I am like, dude:
Back at Justin's house, Sabrina tells Paige to hogtie Allie with a curling wand #kidnappingbyCHI. In the meantime, Allie comes to and calls Justin. When Paige arrives in the attic, Allie sees her and Paige runs downstairs, frantically telling Sabrina that Allie has seen her face now. All the while, Justin is sitting in the living room completely oblivious, listening to the BLARING soundtrack to "How You Trained My Dragon Part XXX."
Justin, shit is getting real in the next room. #youmoron
Now folks, over the years, Lifetime has taught me many, MANY things. But, BUT, tonight, Lifetime has given me a little skill that I know shall be ever so helpful in the future. You see, Sabrina has decided to knock Allie out and remove her from the home. In order to do this, she scrolls through Pinterest for a "DIY Chloroform Recipe." Did you know that if you mix equal parts bleach and acetone (nail polish remover) you get chloroform?
Desperate Housewives, indeed #pinteresthasEVERYTHING. Paige takes a rag dipped in the DIY chloroform and heads upstairs to find Allie, but Allie is gone. Meanwhile, Allie's mom sees Allie's car in the restaurant parking lot, despite the fact that a waiter told her Allie went home early. She asks an off duty cop from the Lifetime Police Department if he will check out Allie's disappearance. Allie's mom tells him that earlier, she and Allie had a fight over Allie's boyfriend, Justin Price. The cop finds Allie's keys on the ground and decides to head over to Justin's home. Because he works for the Lifetime P.D. (i.e. he sucks ass), he heads over to investigate a teenagers disappearance plain clothed, without a weapon AND without calling any backup.
I am like:
He is #sooooo gonna assume the Lifetime position.
Back at the Price house, Allie has made her way downstairs with the knife! YESSSSSSSS. But, because of course she does, she drops the knife. And yours truly jotted down:
"Wow, this bitch is dumb."
Brenda knew what was up. #scarymovie
Awake from his porn soundtrack coma, Justin finds Allie and he is angry she showed up at his home (No, scratch that, THIS bitch Justin is dumb). Allie is shocked that Justin is married, and tells him that she was kidnapped. Immediately, Sabrina appears and tells Justin not to let Allie leave. When Allie runs, she falls and breaks her leg. They put Allie in the bathtub and Sabrina tells Justin gag her. When he does not, Sabrina asks him if he loves Allie. Justin starts atoning for his teenage sins, and asks her what he can do to "make it right." Sabrina tells him to tie up and gag Allie, for starters. Justin is hesitant in aiding in a felony, but is like #ehhh #whatevs and heads in the bathroom to oblige Sabrina's demands.
Felony crime, Justin. But go ahead, enjoy your prison.
Back in flashback land, we learn Allie and her mom had a huge fight over Justin. Allie was grinding the blowup boppo doll for about two months, and Justin is twice her age. Allie's mom warns her that one bad choice could change everything. But instead of grounding Allie or taking away her car or cell phone, she just is like #ehhh #whatevs. Why? Because she IS a Lifetime parent, and they are never intelligent. Not as bad as the Lifetime Police Department because those guys are:
Speaking of the cop, he arrives at the Price home and asks Sabrina if Justin is home. Sabrina tells him that she and Justin are separated. Just as he is about to leave, he asks Sabrina for a glass of water. When she turns to fetch it for him, Allie begins screaming. The cop runs upstairs, sees Justin taping up Allie and arrests him. However, Sabrina grabs the cop and then, this happens:
The Lifetime P.D. assumes the L.P.
Sabrina tapes Allie's mouth and moves her back to the bathtub. She tells Justin they can bury the cop AND Allie in the yard under the flowerbeds in a shallow grave. Uh, they do know that the flowers in the garden are not going to cover the stench of two dead bodies, right?
Better stock up in Glade. #plugitin #plugitin
Then, Justin tells Sabrina that Allie is pregnant. Sabrina is furious and tells Justin to take the cop's car and dump it in The Lifetime Lake. Justin is hesitant about covering up a police officer's murder, but is like #ehhh #whatevs and leaves. Sabrina grabs a shovel and heads outside where she finds Paige. She tells Paige to make Allie take a pregnancy test and expose her as a fraud. Thus, Paige tells Allie to take it and they will let her leave.
By now, Military Husband and I are both screaming at the screen: DOES EVERYONE JUST DO WHATEVER THIS SABRINA CHICK WANTS?
Like seriously, what is this sorcery? #justKILLSabrina #shesawful #andsoisthismovie
Nevertheless, Paige learns Allie really is pregnant. Allie seems shocked and tells Paige, "But, BUT, it was just one time."
Paige asks Allie if she would tell anyone if they let her go and Allie promises she would not. Meanwhile, Sabrina is out back digging a shallow grave.
For this movie. Ba dum dum, tss.
I know, I KNOW, I could not resist.
And then, the following things occur:
1) Sabrina finds the pregnancy test and asks Paige to bring her all the trash bags from downstairs. She plans to wrap Allie up and bury her alive.
2) Justin leisurely walks home after dumping the cop's car in The Lifetime Lake. And by leisurely, I mean he is walking as if he is out for a Sunday stroll with his dog Mopsie.
3) Paige locks Sabrina in the garage and tells her, "I can't just kill somebody, sorry." #THANKYOU
4) Allie escapes the tub, finds the knife and hides in the hall closet. Paige opens the closet and Allie stabs Paige. Sabrina breaks free, finds Paige and instead of trying to apply pressure to her wound or dress said wound, she just puts her on a couch to bleed out.
5) Justin comes home and finds Sabrina tying Allie back up. Later, Paige unties Allie and Allie escapes. #tiemeuptiemedown
6) Allie's mom and the waiter go looking for Allie. #aboutdamntime
So. Much. Fuckery.
I just feel like I am in the exasperating final scene of Clue when Tim Curry has everyone running around while he explained what happened.
Anyhoo, Sabrina lies to Justin that Allie is not pregnant, in fact, she IS pregnant. They bury the cop and find Allie outside screaming for help. Justin drags her back in the house and Sabrina suggests they burn the home with Allie inside. She tells Justin that will get rid of all the evidence and the bodies. And they can just say Paige knocked over a candle which started the fire. #Pinterest #DIYBurnYourOwnHome
And I am like:
But, OF COURSE, Justin is hesitant and then is like #ehhh #whatevs. Hey, Justin, once the fireman put out the fire, they are going to notice the scorched body parts. Not to mention, the investigators are pretty good at discerning whether the fire is caused by a candle or the buckets of gasoline Sabrina intends to douse the home with.
Let's do a crime count, shall we?
2) Cop killer.
3) Hiding evidence.
5) 1st degree murder of Allie.
6) Insurance fraud because you know these two bitches will file a claim, even though they burned the house to hide their little Bonnie and Clyde routine.
While Justin heads upstairs to find the DIY chloroform to knock Allie out, Sabrina proceeds to go on a diatribe about her infertility and how Allie has ruined her marriage. Out of nowhere, Allie kicks the gasoline can out of Sabrina's hand which sets everything on fire. Upstairs, Justin finds the pregnancy test and realizes that Allie is pregnant. He runs downstairs and accuses Sabrina of lying, but then is like #ehhh #whatevs and leaves with Sabrina. Inside the burning house, Allie grabs Paige and attempt to escape. Allie's mom then appears and she and the waiter pull Allie and Paige out of the burning house. And the Lifetime Police Department arrests Sabrina and Justin.
Back at the restaurant, Allie runs into Paige #awkward. Paige apologizes, you know, for her sister being a psychopathic bitch. And Allie tells Paige that she lost the baby due to all the "stress," i.e. being held captive by a psychopath, breaking her leg, trying to escape a burning inferno, you know, The Lifetime Usual. She beguiles some Lifetime words of wisdom to Paige about moving forward, and then heads heads off to run track.
Anddddddddd roll credits.
I should really be more enthusiastic, but #ehhh #whatevs.
Did you watch Lifetime's "Caught"? Would you ever help your spouse commit random crimes? Let me know in the comments below!
Lifetime is literally sucking out my soul, but I am still,