November 2, 2015

Lifetime Movie Network The Sorcerer's Stone: Online Abduction



On Halloween, I spent most of my time with Military Husband at the hospital. When I returned home that evening, I had every intention of watching a few good scary movies and heading to bed. Of course, absolutely NOTHING decent was on unless you wanted to watch that disastrous film Halloween: Resurrection (Tyra Banks, really? REALLY?) or Scream 3, which was pretty much the WORST out of all four films. I finally gave up looking and watched Buffy the Vampire Slayer Season 3 on Amazon Prime.

When it doubt, Whedon it out.


But, BUT, I knew I could not neglect my duty and ignore my responsibility (besides, I needed to get it over with before Military Husband came home - I do NOT want to make him any sicker with these buckets of bile fine films). 

As you can imagine, wearing the Lifetime albatross comes with a price, and this week it was in the form of:


Did I mention Military Husband and I purchased a new 60" flat screen smart tv last week? 

The better to Lifetime with.


Per usual, I like to give out the plot to those of you who like to steal all your child's chocolate before they can go through their candy bucket after trick or treat. Ya filthy animals. Basically, "Online Abduction" was like:


Just kidding; that would have been infinitely cooler than this garbage. No, this movie was about a missing child, which is one of Lifetime's top 10 favorite recycled plot devices. The child's name was Tommy, though, and after hearing it yelled 5,432,000 times, all I could think of was:

Such a classic. #TheWho

"Online Abduction" opens with Jackie Fletcher looking fondly at her FaceChatter page, Lifetime's version of Facebook (you KNOW Zuckerberg wants nothing to do with this garbage). Jackie is a realtor, happily married to Matthew and the mother of two children, Tommy, who is her and Matthew's 3 year old son, and Isabel, who is her teenage daughter by a baby daddy. We then see Isabel feeding little Tommy, who is eating away at his oatmeal loaded down with "sprinkles," aka fish tank gravel.


Yep, fish tank gravel. Tommy eats this all the time, he is OBSESSED with it, and his consumption of said fish tank gravel is considered just ADORABLE by Jackie and Matthew. 

Right. And it is also poisonous as fuck. But, what do I know.
 #blamethewriters

The next day, Isabel agrees to take Tommy to the park. While there, Tommy eats more of that damn fish gravel and even offers some to Jeremy, Isabel's boyfriend. Also, a suspicious looking woman named Elise Babcock shows up at the park and she has the crazy eyes.

You know:

#crazyeyes

Elise tells Isabel and Tommy she is "always around" the park with her child and they should come by the community center where she has weekly story time for the kids. Immediately, I was all:


Because this is Lifetime, the queen of plot transparency. Elise is going to be doing the online abducting and Tommy is going to be the online abductee. AND.......SCENE. 


Alas, the show must go on. Let's continue. Later on that afternoon, Isabel decides to set up a picnic in the park. While she is sorting through Tommy's fish gravel lunch, Tommy disappears. Isabel looks around the park for Tommy to no avail. Later, Jackie and Matthew arrive, along with The Lifetime Police Department. Detective Phillips of the Lifetime P.D. tells Jackie and Matthew that Tommy probably just wandered off, no biggie.


Matthew immediately accuses Isabel of being irresponsible and he and Jackie blame her for Tommy's disappearance. They are super angry with Isabel and I am like, are these not the SAME parents that allow their 3 year old to eat fish gravel?

Poison. Repeat, he is eating poison.
#worstparentsEVER

Later that night, Agent Willis of the Lifetime Child Abduction Agency arrives at the Fletcher home. He asks Isabel if she has social media, and instead of looking through her FaceChatter and Twitter for respective weirdos who have "liked" or retweeted any of Tommy's pics, he tells her to send out a tweet with the hashtag #FindTommy. Agent Willis says this is going to be the secret to finding Tommy because, you know, if you hashtag it, it will come.


In the meantime, Isabel and her friends go through all the photos she took at the park. She tells them to do a search for all the people at the park that day, as well. They come up with three suspicious park goers: Julie Stark (no relation to Tony #Ironman), Elise Babcock (DING DING DING) and Juliana Hargrove, a registered sex offender. So, Isabel shows Jackie a picture of Juliana and tells her Juliana was arrested for lewd and lascivious acts with a minor under the age of 16. Isabel and Jackie then proceed to go Juliana's home, barge on in and demand answers. And Juliana explains that she was arrested at the age of 16 when she was caught doing the handy banana dance with her 15 year old boyfriend. Thus, Jackie and Isabel are like "oh, oh well, never mind" and:


And I am like, really? REALLY? #rudeassfolks

By the way, at this point in Lifetime Land, 17 hours have passed, no one has any leads (except yours truly - IT IS THAT BABCOCK LADY, YOU FLIPPING FOOLS), and Tommy is still missing. Agent Willis finally decides Tommy was probably abducted and calls a professional profiler.

The Lifetime Child Abduction Agency blows, too.

Once she arrives, Agent Profiling Lady (her name was so not important to me; an hour had passed in this movie and I was over the whole damn thing. OVER IT. #passthewine) is busy trying to get into Isabel's FaceChatter page and instead of just ASKING Isabel to open her page for them, they spend ten minutes of reel spouting out possible password ideas. 

And this is the great Agent who is going to save Tommy?


Over the next five minutes, the following occurs:
1) Jeremy finds Tommy's favorite snack, fish gravel, in the park's parking lot.
2) Agent Profiling Lady figures out Isabel's password is Invisabel because Matthew and Jackie ignore her now that Tommy the fish graveling brat is the golden child.
3) Isabel finds an envelope with Tommy's stuffed animal and a note that reads "you shouldn't have left the back door open." (Oh, OH, so many things are running through my head. #butIwontgothere)
4) "You shouldn't have left the back door open" is also on Twitter with the hashtag #FindTommy.

Suddenly, Agent Profiling Lady has an epiphany - SOMEONE IS LIVE TWEETING TOMMY'S ABDUCTION! Gosh, social media is just so, SO awesome.


The next day, Isabel goes to the community center where she learns that Elise has been "missing" a few days and the child she was with at the park is not her kid. Isabel runs home and tells Jackie and Matthew that Elise is the online abducter #shocker #spoileralert. Jeremy arrives with photographs he found on Facechatter that people took at the park the day Tommy went missing. And they see this photograph of Elise:

Her name is Luka. She lives on the second floor.
#yesIthinkyouveseenmebefore

But, BUT, that is not Elise - instead, it is Matthew's ex-wife Lorraine! Lorraine that he married at 19 years old and has not seen in 18 years. Lorraine who miscarried "a bunch of times" and had stillborns "a bunch of times." Lorraine who is mentally unstable. And Lorraine who has posted pictures of Tommy as her own child all over her Twitter.

And at this point, I am like:

With the fuckery. 

By the way, Lorraine found Tommy because Jackie, being the typical Lifetime dumb parent, posted a photograph of Tommy standing in front of the street address of their home on her FaceChatter page. 

Lifetime parenting at its finest.

While all this is transpiring, we see Lorraine driving with Tommy in the back seat on the way to grandmother's house. Isabel and Jackie pretend to be Matthew on Twitter and send Lorraine a tweet asking to reunite with her, along with Matthew's cell number. Lorraine sees the tweet and texts Matthew. Once they have her number, Agent Willis heads off to find her. Suddenly, Isabel gets an email from her birthday with a malware attachment that if sent to Lorraine will take over her phone so the Lifetime Police Department can locate her. Isabel sends Lorraine a picture of Matt with the virus, and because of course she does, Lorraine opens the file. Agent Willis arrives at Lorraine's house, Lorraine has Tommy and a gun and Matthew attempts to negotiates with her. When he fails, out of nowhere, Isabel pretends to be Lorraine's dead baby named Ashley and Lorraine drops the gun. Lorraine is subsequently arrested and sent off to the funny farm.

AND, Jackie, Matthew, Tommy and Isabel, literally leap into the air.


Which has me like:


Andddddddd roll credits.

Did you watch "Online Abduction"? Do you ever worry about posting pictures of your children online and weirdos seeing them? Let me know in the comments below!

Lifetime's head spun around and puked on me instead of you because I am,

46 comments:

  1. I literally was laughing so hard I thought I would wake hubs up snoring next to me! Luckily nothing really wakes him. :)

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  2. What have we learned from this masterpiece?? Be safe on social media!!! Say no to drugs!

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  3. I cannot tell you how much I wanted this to end with Tommy swimming with the fishies! HAHAHA! I hope that Military Husband is doing better. ♥

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  4. Lifetime has done it again - how could we ever function without them? Your recaps are the best ever.

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  5. We don't have cable anymore so I read the Lifetime plots through you. Not sure I'd watch it even if I still had cable.

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  6. We wuz watching Breaking Bad, we is a bit late to that pawty but are catching up fast!
    Hope Military Pug Husband is feeling betters today
    Loves and licky kisses
    Princess Leah xxx

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  7. Mom is a 'fraidy cat no scary movies for her. Dd likes them and surely got his fill last weekend.
    How is Pug dad feeling?
    Hugs madi your bfff

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  8. Going to have to watch this! Curious to see what a kid eating fish gravel looks like, and where else, other than Lifetime, can I witness that??

    Hope MiliHubs is out of the hospital soon :( xoxo

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    Replies
    1. Lol right? It's also a choking hazard but hey what do I know.
      Thank you!!

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  9. I'm trying to think how the writers pitch their movies to Lifetime. Do they ever sound good?

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    1. Lmao. I would kill to be in one of those meetings. Lifetime, please? Can I?
      I wonder what movie scripts don't make the cut....

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  10. I'm pretty sure you r recaps are infinitely better that the actual movie!! Hope Military Husband is feeling much better!!

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  11. 60 inch TV? Nice! We hope to upgrade our 32 inch soon. As usual, this movie sound whack.

    I hope your husband is doing better!

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    Replies
    1. We got a great deal on it!! Last year we bought a 42 inch I believe and we got it on sale at target during Black Friday. Check the sales!!
      Thank you!

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  12. Okays, Ma couldn't concentrate because she was all day dreamin' abouts your TV!! ☺ You thinks Lifetime is gonna hire some fresh writers anytime soon??? Maybe some who drink margaritas...that would improve these movies DRASTICALLY! BOL!!
    Anyhu, sendin' lots of healin' vibes to Hubby...
    Kisses,
    Ruby ♥

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    Replies
    1. Seriously? I'm thinking of a retirement gig with them. I know I could write a script!
      Thank you!! We feel them! It's nice to have support. We are all each other has. Xxoo

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  13. I'm so watching the Lifetime Movie channel on the daily, I know Christmas movies will be on all November and December long!

    God bless,
    XO, Claire
    Http://www.littlemissfashionqueen.com

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    1. Oh yes!! Can't wait for the ho ho horrible!! I'll be here recapping lol.

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  14. I love your recaps - they are always so entertaining! :) Wow, 60" tv, huh? That's so cool. Hubby and I are getting to that age that we also need a larger tv. We have a 42" or 44" now, I'm not sure which, but he was just looking at the larger ones up to a 60" last weekend - LOL I rarely ever watch Lifetime - do they have a lot of good shows? I'm SO happy my kids are grown adults now, but I still worry sick over something bad happening to them, including abduction at their age. Mainly my daughter, however, I don't worry so much about my son, as I think he could take care of himself, but you just never know. Hope your hubby is better and you've gotten some rest. Have a great day! :)

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    1. Thank you so much!!
      Lifetime had a show on called Unreal this spring we really liked!!

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  15. Hope your hubby is on the mend. I get a kick of all of the different names they come up with for social media sites in these movies. Can't Lifetime just pick a fake social network and have all of its movies use that name? Hubby is going out of town next week, so I hope there are some new ones On Demand for me to watch. I checked a week ago, though, and it was the same stuff that was there last time.

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    1. Speaking of, I should just call it The Lifetime Social Media Network when they do that.
      This weekend is another missing kid movie. Oh joy!!

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  16. You reviews are better than the actual movies, ha-ha. Now I'm really aging myself by admitting that I actually saw Tommy in the movie theaters when I was young. Went with my first boyfriend to see it!

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    1. OMG, you ROCK lady. Officially, you are the coolest.
      Well, second to my dad who saw 2001 A Space Odyssey in the movie theater.

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  17. MADDIE WE ARE CHECKING IN TO SAY HI AND WE HOPE PUG DAD IS HOME
    HUGS MADI YOUR BFFF

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  18. Don't eat fish gravel and stay off social media...got it ;) LOL I love all the GIFS especially NeNe.

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  19. Seriously? Fish gravel??? (Also I love your commentary - I was literally laughing out loud!)

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    1. I know. Why would they let their kid eat that....

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  20. Hey gurls! How ya doin'?? How is your Pops? Just checkin' to see how you are doin', and knows that I am thinkin' abouts you guys and sendin' your Pops lots of POTP and you and your Moms tons of AireZens...and margaritas!! ☺
    Kisses,
    Ruby ♥

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    Replies
    1. Thank you love!! Will be updating everyone on the blog soon!! It's just so busy right now helping Military Husband. He's home, and recovering from surgery. He will be here for awhile until he's better. Thank you for your concern and love. We love you!!!

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  21. Stopped by to say hi and hope pug daddy is doing better
    hugs
    Mr Bailey, Hazel & Mabel

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  22. Hey fellow pug momma!
    This review is hilarious and I love all of the time you spent on it - the GIFs, especially.
    As the writer of the movie, I wanted to thank you for allowing me to laugh at myself and also address a few things:
    1. I am so sick of the name Tommy I can’t even tell you. How did I let that happen?
    2. I do like margaritas… maybe I should have had more while writing. (or less?! haha)
    3. I am a somewhat “fresh” writer… in that this was my first produced movie. Maybe that was part of the problem.
    4. It’s harder than it looks, but I encourage you to give it a go - that said, write what you love.
    5. Thank you for watching until the end!
    6. Hope your husband is on the mend and please give him my thanks for his service. And thank YOU for supporting his service.

    In all sincerity and gratitude, C.

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    1. Hey my friend!!
      First, thank you for coming to my blog. I always get the "red cheeks" when a writer, actor or director shows up over here.
      Second, thank you for not taking yourself too seriously.
      Third, fellow pug mommy? Well if you have a pug, I officially feel like a jackass. Anyone who owns a pug rocks. Pug owners rule the world.
      And finally, but but WHAT was going on with that fish gravel?? Why was Tommy eating it? And why didn't the parents stop him?? I must know!!!
      Thanks again for being a great sport.
      Xxoo
      PS Script writing I know isn't easy nor is the criticism. I watched people rip Joss Whedon to shreds after Ultron. And that was like, oh say, the top grossing film of 2015. So with that being said, I commend you for being a writer.

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    2. I realized early on that if you want to survive in this business, you can't have too much of an ego. Or you have to have TOO MUCH ego... and I wasn't bred for that. Fellow Virgo here (yeah I read your blog info) who can't be anything but honest. OK - the fish gravel... I have NO IDEA where that came from... I needed to drop a clue for later in the movie. And I thought, as I wrote it, it was something Tommy (still can't hear that name - it was said way too much) did on the sly without the parents noticing. And thank you for the commendation. Writing is difficult but what you and your husband are doing is more difficult by far. I'm writing another one and can't wait to hear your thoughts - as honest as they are!

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    3. Yay for Virgos. We also run the world (or so Beyoncé says). Ooooh I can't wait to watch!!! And thanks for coming to my blog!! It made my night!!!
      PS I hunted around the Internet to see who you are! Nice to "meet" you Caron!

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