On Halloween, I spent most of my time with Military Husband at the hospital. When I returned home that evening, I had every intention of watching a few good scary movies and heading to bed. Of course, absolutely NOTHING decent was on unless you wanted to watch that disastrous film Halloween: Resurrection (Tyra Banks, really? REALLY?) or Scream 3, which was pretty much the WORST out of all four films. I finally gave up looking and watched Buffy the Vampire Slayer Season 3 on Amazon Prime.
When it doubt, Whedon it out.
But, BUT, I knew I could not neglect my duty and ignore my responsibility (besides, I needed to get it over with before Military Husband came home - I do NOT want to make him any sicker with these
buckets of bile fine films).
As you can imagine, wearing the Lifetime albatross comes with a price, and this week it was in the form of:
Did I mention Military Husband and I purchased a new 60" flat screen smart tv last week?
The better to Lifetime with.
Per usual, I like to give out the plot to those of you who like to steal all your child's chocolate before they can go through their candy bucket after trick or treat. Ya filthy animals. Basically, "Online Abduction" was like:
Just kidding; that would have been infinitely cooler than this garbage. No, this movie was about a missing child, which is one of Lifetime's top 10 favorite recycled plot devices. The child's name was Tommy, though, and after hearing it yelled 5,432,000 times, all I could think of was:
Such a classic. #TheWho
"Online Abduction" opens with Jackie Fletcher looking fondly at her FaceChatter page, Lifetime's version of Facebook (you KNOW Zuckerberg wants nothing to do with this garbage). Jackie is a realtor, happily married to Matthew and the mother of two children, Tommy, who is her and Matthew's 3 year old son, and Isabel, who is her teenage daughter by a baby daddy. We then see Isabel feeding little Tommy, who is eating away at his oatmeal loaded down with "sprinkles," aka fish tank gravel.
Yep, fish tank gravel. Tommy eats this all the time, he is OBSESSED with it, and his consumption of said fish tank gravel is considered just ADORABLE by Jackie and Matthew.
Right. And it is also poisonous as fuck. But, what do I know.
The next day, Isabel agrees to take Tommy to the park. While there, Tommy eats more of that damn fish gravel and even offers some to Jeremy, Isabel's boyfriend. Also, a suspicious looking woman named Elise Babcock shows up at the park and she has the crazy eyes.
Elise tells Isabel and Tommy she is "always around" the park with her child and they should come by the community center where she has weekly story time for the kids. Immediately, I was all:
Because this is Lifetime, the queen of plot transparency. Elise is going to be doing the online abducting and Tommy is going to be the online abductee. AND.......SCENE.
Alas, the show must go on. Let's continue. Later on that afternoon, Isabel decides to set up a picnic in the park. While she is sorting through Tommy's fish gravel lunch, Tommy disappears. Isabel looks around the park for Tommy to no avail. Later, Jackie and Matthew arrive, along with The Lifetime Police Department. Detective Phillips of the Lifetime P.D. tells Jackie and Matthew that Tommy probably just wandered off, no biggie.
Matthew immediately accuses Isabel of being irresponsible and he and Jackie blame her for Tommy's disappearance. They are super angry with Isabel and I am like, are these not the SAME parents that allow their 3 year old to eat fish gravel?
Poison. Repeat, he is eating poison.
Later that night, Agent Willis of the Lifetime Child Abduction Agency arrives at the Fletcher home. He asks Isabel if she has social media, and instead of looking through her FaceChatter and Twitter for respective weirdos who have "liked" or retweeted any of Tommy's pics, he tells her to send out a tweet with the hashtag #FindTommy. Agent Willis says this is going to be the secret to finding Tommy because, you know, if you hashtag it, it will come.
In the meantime, Isabel and her friends go through all the photos she took at the park. She tells them to do a search for all the people at the park that day, as well. They come up with three suspicious park goers: Julie Stark (no relation to Tony #Ironman), Elise Babcock (DING DING DING) and Juliana Hargrove, a registered sex offender. So, Isabel shows Jackie a picture of Juliana and tells her Juliana was arrested for lewd and lascivious acts with a minor under the age of 16. Isabel and Jackie then proceed to go Juliana's home, barge on in and demand answers. And Juliana explains that she was arrested at the age of 16 when she was caught doing the handy banana dance with her 15 year old boyfriend. Thus, Jackie and Isabel are like "oh, oh well, never mind" and:
And I am like, really? REALLY? #rudeassfolks
By the way, at this point in Lifetime Land, 17 hours have passed, no one has any leads (except yours truly - IT IS THAT BABCOCK LADY, YOU FLIPPING FOOLS), and Tommy is still missing. Agent Willis finally decides Tommy was probably abducted and calls a professional profiler.
The Lifetime Child Abduction Agency blows, too.
Once she arrives, Agent Profiling Lady (her name was so not important to me; an hour had passed in this movie and I was over the whole damn thing. OVER IT. #passthewine) is busy trying to get into Isabel's FaceChatter page and instead of just ASKING Isabel to open her page for them, they spend ten minutes of reel spouting out possible password ideas.
And this is the great Agent who is going to save Tommy?
Over the next five minutes, the following occurs:
1) Jeremy finds Tommy's favorite snack, fish gravel, in the park's parking lot.
2) Agent Profiling Lady figures out Isabel's password is Invisabel because Matthew and Jackie ignore her now that Tommy the fish graveling brat is the golden child.
3) Isabel finds an envelope with Tommy's stuffed animal and a note that reads "you shouldn't have left the back door open." (Oh, OH, so many things are running through my head. #butIwontgothere)
4) "You shouldn't have left the back door open" is also on Twitter with the hashtag #FindTommy.
Suddenly, Agent Profiling Lady has an epiphany - SOMEONE IS LIVE TWEETING TOMMY'S ABDUCTION! Gosh, social media is just so, SO awesome.
The next day, Isabel goes to the community center where she learns that Elise has been "missing" a few days and the child she was with at the park is not her kid. Isabel runs home and tells Jackie and Matthew that Elise is the online abducter #shocker #spoileralert. Jeremy arrives with photographs he found on Facechatter that people took at the park the day Tommy went missing. And they see this photograph of Elise:
Her name is Luka. She lives on the second floor.
But, BUT, that is not Elise - instead, it is Matthew's ex-wife Lorraine! Lorraine that he married at 19 years old and has not seen in 18 years. Lorraine who miscarried "a bunch of times" and had stillborns "a bunch of times." Lorraine who is mentally unstable. And Lorraine who has posted pictures of Tommy as her own child all over her Twitter.
And at this point, I am like:
With the fuckery.
By the way, Lorraine found Tommy because Jackie, being the typical Lifetime dumb parent, posted a photograph of Tommy standing in front of the street address of their home on her FaceChatter page.
Lifetime parenting at its finest.
While all this is transpiring, we see Lorraine driving with Tommy in the back seat on the way to grandmother's house. Isabel and Jackie pretend to be Matthew on Twitter and send Lorraine a tweet asking to reunite with her, along with Matthew's cell number. Lorraine sees the tweet and texts Matthew. Once they have her number, Agent Willis heads off to find her. Suddenly, Isabel gets an email from her birthday with a malware attachment that if sent to Lorraine will take over her phone so the Lifetime Police Department can locate her. Isabel sends Lorraine a picture of Matt with the virus, and because of course she does, Lorraine opens the file. Agent Willis arrives at Lorraine's house, Lorraine has Tommy and a gun and Matthew attempts to negotiates with her. When he fails, out of nowhere, Isabel pretends to be Lorraine's dead baby named Ashley and Lorraine drops the gun. Lorraine is subsequently arrested and sent off to the funny farm.
AND, Jackie, Matthew, Tommy and Isabel, literally leap into the air.
Which has me like:
Andddddddd roll credits.
Did you watch "Online Abduction"? Do you ever worry about posting pictures of your children online and weirdos seeing them? Let me know in the comments below!
Lifetime's head spun around and puked on me instead of you because I am,