Since Military Husband has been in the hospital and subsequently home recovering, my television time has been absorbed with:
Verdict: I really, really like this show.
For years, I felt like a poser nerd not watching Supernatural since pretty much every comic con loving geek on the planet is a fan. It is like simultaneously saying that you love good music and never have heard of Ben Folds.
Just flat out criminal. But nowhere near as criminal as this:
The agony on his face accurately describes the 2 hours I wasted on this film.
This week on Lifetime, we return to our roots. And by roots, I mean the movie is filmed entirely in Ottawa, Ontario, Canada.
Maestro, cue the music!:
"Oh Canada, missing you caused me to pout.
Without you in my life, there was nothing to laugh "aboot."
Your cheesy movies everywhere,
The hockey players with great hair.
OH Canada, my life has been real sad.
Just waiting round' for movies that suck so bad."
But truly, I digress.
As you all know, I like to give a plot summary for those of you who like to hit up Tim Hortons before any hosers ruin your day. Basically, "The Preacher's Sin" was pretty much like:
One of the best PS4 games of this year. And the ending made me weep.
Except not really. Since none of you will get this Playstation game reference anyway (but if you do, I request the highest of fives), let me just drive home that the plot of "The Preacher's Sin" was undoubtedly the WORST of all time.
No, really, I know I am constantly writing this, but watching this movie was like:
Let's press on. "The Preacher's Sin" begins with Pastor Evan Tannings preaching on the radio while his 17 year old niece, Jamie Barringer, is being arrested for DUI. Since Evan and his wife Lauren are the legal guardians of Jamie, they have to bail her out of jail. Before they can finish lecturing her, Jamie projectile pukes.
You know what they say about the preacher's kid.
The next day, Evan's boss Bill wants Evan to sign a new contract. If he signs, Evan's radio show "Family in the Forefront" will be moved to the 11-1 time spot and he will go on a national tour. Evan is skeptical of signing the contract because it would give Bill
all of most of his money and the ability to blackmail him control over his life. Besides, Bill seems like a real asshole jerk. Lauren even tells Evan not to sign the contract.
Everything points to Evan signing this contract being a bad idea. But, BUT, he does it anyway.
This is Lifetime.
The glue that holds the plots together is formulated with dumb ideas.
Meanwhile, Jamie is meeting with the in-house lawyer at the radio show about her DUI. Little Jamie has been buck wild ever since her mom's suicide and she is a Lifetime teen, aka THE WORST.
When they are not in peril, they are out doing stupid shit, see The Bride He Bought Online, My Stepdaughter, 16 & Missing for example.
Well, it appears Jamie is the least of Evan's problems. You see, the next day, Evan is at a book signing and 18 year old Gabe shows up to have a book signed for his dying mom, Monica. Evan gives Gabe this strange/guilty look and I am all:
Evan is totally Gabe's dad.
But, Evan says nothing. That night, Gabe calls into Evan's radio show with a little song and dance about how "someone" (HINT HINT: Evan) is his dad and does not know he is his dad (OH YES, YES HE DOES). Evan hangs up on Gabe immediately, and then calls Gabe back on his cell phone and agrees to meet with him. The next day, Gabe tells Evan that he is Evan's child by a woman named Monica who Evan had an affair with when he was in the Army.
Oh, and Monica is dying of cancer so pretty soon, so someone is going to have to take care of Gabe.
There is just SO much fuckery going on and we are only 15 minutes into the movie. #forrealtho
That night, Evan and Lauren go to dinner with Bill and his wife, Shayla. While they are at dinner, over in subplot land, Jamie sneaks off to something called a "ghost party." Lifetime has yet another life lesson for teenagers: if you are bored, throw a "ghost party," aka find an empty home when the owners have gone out of town, hop the fence and have a party.
Oh Lifetime, you card.
At any rate, Jamie is at the party with Quinton, a guy she met at school. Tinsley, who is Bill's daughter, has a crush on Quinton. When Jamie and Quinton arrive at the party, Tinsley is visibly upset. And to make matters worse, Jamie and Quinton make out in front of Tinsley and head upstairs to shake the dirty maraccas. While doing so, Tinsley reports a break in at the house to the police and she and her party friends leave. The cops arrive and Jamie and Quinton are both arrested and Lauren has to bail Jamie out of jail. Evan refuses to deal with Jamie because, you know, he is a good moral family man and all.
But what about Gabe, Evan?
The next day, Evan still is not dealing with Jamie. Instead, he preaches about morality and the clean life at church. Immediately after, he meets up with his illegitimate child, Gabe and his former lover, Monica.
Evan agrees to take care of Gabe, which apparently means never telling Lauren about him. That night, Monica passes away and Evan attends the funeral the next morning. Lauren calls his cell phone a few times, and Evan ignores. Now friends, if Military Husband was sneaking around like this and not answering his cell phone, your girl would have long since been stalking his ass to find out what he was doing behind her back.
But, not Lauren. She does nothing.
Over in the lingering subplot, Jamie meets with her lawyer and the charges are dropped to trespassing and attending a drug and alcohol class. Quinton asks Jamie to prom and the two show up arm in arm back at high school. Tinsley sees them and plans revenge because, you know, Lifetime psycho doing psycho thangs.
I know, I KNOW. #thismovieblowsssss
Meanwhile, Evan asks Bill if Gabe can have a job at the radio station. He proceeds to tell Bill (who is furious) all about his illegitimate child INSTEAD of telling his wife, Lauren.
Back in the subplot, Tinsley is telling her mom Shayla that Jamie is a "man stealing bitch." Shayla responds, "Oh, oooh is Jamie the one with the dead mom? The dead mom who hung herself?" And Tinsley, delighted with this information, starts playing "funny" pranks on Jamie like calling Jamie pretending to be her dead mom and putting a Barbie doll with a noose around its neck in Jamie's locker.
And I am all, Jamie, join a high school coven and The Craft Tinsley's ass!
The 90s taught me everything. #therebeawitch #sheneedbeburned
But, BUT no, Jamie goes home and Evan is angry at Jamie for being rude to Tinsley. Really Evan? REALLY?
By now, an hour has passed in this
biggest piece of shit movie ever masterpiece and this conversation takes place:
Military Husband: This is one of the worst ones I've ever seen you watch.
Me: Yeah, I thought about taking an hour nap and coming back to it. Or something. (Actually, I considered throwing myself out of the window, but you know, it is only two stories.)
Nevertheless, I continued. FOR YOU. Carry on, my wayward Lifetime recapper.
The next day, Evan tells Bill he is going to postpone the tour so he can take care of Jamie. Bill tells him that if he is not on the plane on his way to Cleveland, he will leak Evan's illegitimate child drama to the press, sue Evan for breach of contract and Evan will never preach again. So, Evan leaves instead of being honest with himself, admitting to Lauren he has a child and telling Bill to get screwed.
Because this is Lifetime.
And we are supposed to suspend all plausible belief of logistics.
In subplot land, Tinsley has decided to take her frustrations out on Sarah, who is Lauren and Evan's biological daughter and Jamie's cousin. Tinsley steals Sarah's clothes while Sarah is in the shower during gym class. Jamie decides she will get even with Tinsley. First, she beats the naked bongos with Quinton. Then, she steals Quinton's phone and Sneakchat's Tinsley (Lifetime's version of "Snapchat") asking her to meet Quinton/Jamie at the park at 10:30 p.m. because Quinton/Jamie has broken up with Jamie. Tinsley arrives at the park, and Jamie threatens to tell the cops about the ghost parties if Tinsley does not leave Sarah alone. Sounds like a simple enough request, but Tinsley is a #lifetimepsychodoingpsychothangs so this happens:
Jamie has the great
pleasure displeasure of assuming the Lifetime position.
Tinsley runs Jamie down with her car and then beats her over the head repeatedly with a rock. Then, THEN, she drags Jamie's body off screen.
And at this point, I am all:
Bright light, Bright light.
Tinsley is stone cold crazy! #melikey #melikeyALOT
The very next day, Lauren calls Evan to tell him Jamie is missing and, of course, she calls the Lifetime Police Department (*insert WOMP WOMP WOMP here*). Detective Peters arrives and Sarah tells her all about Tinsley. Thus, Detective Peters goes to Tinsley's home and is met by Bill and his team of lawyers who tell Detective Peters that Jamie was a bad seed. However, Detective Peters sees Tinsely's car on the way out of the home.
And Military Husband is all:
LOOK AT THE BUMPER! LOOK AT THE BUMPER! LOOOOOK AT THE BUMMMMPERRRR!
And she does, and sees that Tinsley has recently hit something (HINT: Jamie's head, shoulders, knees and toes. #kneesandtoes).
Military Husband and Me:
The Tinsley subplot is SO much better than the Evan/Gabe snorefest.
Immediately afterwards, Bill arrives at Evan's home and threatens that if the police do not stop questioning Tinsley, he is going to tell everyone about Evan's illegitimate child. Because of course he does, Evan agrees. Meanwhile, Detective Peters finds Jamie's car and body. She concludes that Jamie jumped off the cliff by the river.
Oh great, the Lifetime Police Department is at its "best" again.
What about Tinsley's car?
Jamie did not even leave a suicide note?
Back at school, Tinsley's friend tells Quinton that she is sorry that he and Jamie broke up right before her death. Tinsley told her all about the Sneakchat she received from Quinton/Jamie the night of Jamie's death. Quinton said they did not break up and he never sent a Sneakchat. He immediately goes to Evan and Lauren and tells them that Jamie had access to his phone that evening. Sarah chimes in that Jamie was trying to protect her from Tinsley. Lauren, Sarah and Quinton ALL believe Tinsley was behind Jamie's death. The only one who does not? Evan.
Evan says, "well you can't just accuse Tinsley of murder" and "you have no proof" and then, looks at them like they are all crazy.
Oh, Evan. You and your hiding your illegitimate child, wimp ass ways are REALLY getting old.
Later that night (about DAMN time), Evan admits to Lauren he had a child with Monica named Gabe and he has been hiding the entire mess for weeks. Lauren kicks him out and Evan spends the night at Gabe's apartment. The next day, Detective Peters goes back to the park and finds scratches on a pole that match the ones on Tinsley's car. She obtains a search warrant from the police and heads to Tinsley's house. Once there, she finds Tinsley's bloody shirt. While all this is happening, Evan goes on his radio show and tells everyone about Gabe. He also said Bill threatened him that if he told, Bill would expose him to the world, fire him and sue him for breach of contract.
But really, who cares about Evan?
Why is Evan making this all about himself?
What about his dead niece? #selfishmofo
Back in the subplot, Detective Peters arrives at the high school and arrests Tinsley in front of everyone. And Lauren forgives Evan. Thus, Evan, Lauren, Sarah and Gabe all live happily ever after.
Except for Jamie. Because she is dead.
And me and Military Husband? Well, we are just happy the entire two miserable long hours are over.
Anddddddddd roll credits.
Did you watch "The Preacher's Sin"? If you found out you had an illegitimate child, would you immediately tell your spouse? Would you forgive your spouse if he had an illegitimate child? Let me know in the comments below!
I will never get those two hours back, so your life continues to not be wack, and I am,