October 14, 2015

Mili Wifey's Trick Or Treating Guide For Ratchets (10 Trick Or Treating Tips)



Hands down, Halloween is my favorite holiday. Horror movies are my jam; I am fairly certain I discussed this in my post I'm Gonna Unleash My Inner "Annabelle" On You!. But, in case you were not aware, whenever there is anything scary, I am all about that life. On Halloween, I normally decorate the outside and inside of our home, prepare treat bags for all the kids in the neighborhood and dress up to hand out candy.


Before I met Military Husband, I was always the designated candy passer-outer at my parents' home. My parents' neighborhood gets crazy on Halloween night with anywhere from 200-300 kids on the streets. The neighborhood is well known for having the best candy and treats (some people even handed out money one year), and two different families set up haunted houses.

With that being the case, I consider myself sort of an expert on "Trick Or Treat Etiquette." Because friends, whenever you yell "FREE" anything, the ratchets are gonna come out in force. Wether you are one or maybe you just know a few ratchets, in this post, I present to you:

Mili Wifey's Trick Or Treating Guide For Rachets (10 Trick or Treating Tips)

1) Costume Of Choice

Most of you, *cough* non-ratchets *cough*, are either making costumes or putting thought behind choosing your children's costumes. Unfortunately, the Ratchet Parent is not the same. Do not get it twisted; I have no problem with store bought costumes or budget costumes. My issue is the average Ratchet Parent who either:

a) Just does not give a damn.

Peg Bundy = OG Ratchet Parent

See also, the toilet paper mummy or a generic ghoul that ends up making your child looking like they are participating in the annual Purge.

or

b) Just puts their child in something that is all sorts of #wrong.

Props for creativity tho.

Dressing your 3 year old as baby Britney Spears? Ratchet.
Dressing your 5 year old as a turd? SO ratchet.
(Yep, I have seen it live, folks. Parents put brown paint all over child's body and face and stuck a piece of toilet paper to him.)

And the ultimate ratchet costume - allowing your 6 year old to go dressed as a prostitute, or ANYTHING involving the sex industry. When I was in the 1st grade, one of my classmates came dressed as a prostitute on Halloween dress up day. My mom was just delighted when I asked her on the way home:

"Mommy, what is a whore?"


Listen up ratchets, in the words of Obi-Wan Kenobi, CHOOSE WISELY.

2) Parental Costume of Choice

I love when parents dress up with their children. Last year, I saw a knight with his princess daughter and a comic book superhero family. This sort of thing is absolutely adorable. What is not adorable, you ask? When your ratchet ass shows up at my door holding an infant or toting along three snotty children and you are dressed like this:



I actually saw a mother dressed like this one Halloween night. And I was all:


No, no, REALLY, I am not hating. You do you, girl. But, BUT, for the love of all the innocent little children, please cover your ta-tas and #ladyhamster and save that Skank-ostume for the club, the bedroom or for the next time you hear, "April Showers to the main stage. Calling April Showers to the main stage." 


3) Mind Your Manners

Attention my Ratchet diva: please ask your children to refrain from using any of these phrases at my door:

Editor's Note: The following phrases have all been heard by yours truly while passing out candy on Halloween Night. And no, I do not live in East Compton. Those children are probably little angels. Come to upper middle class suburbia; it is where the FUN people live.

GIMME CANDY! GIMME SUM GIMME SUM! GIMME GIMME!

Bitch better have my candy! (Rihanna totally stole that line, by the way.)

C'mon girl, you ain't got shit. I don't want a tootsie pop. Got any king size candy bars? 

I don't eat ANY of THAT stuff.

The lady down the street gave us gift cards to Starbucks. Is this ALL you have?

Hey lady, trick or treat, smell my feet, if you don't your ass gets beat. 

"Trick Or Treat," followed by a "Thank You" and a "Happy Halloween" is the script o'night. Let's not go rogue, ok? You do realize I am choosing to spend my booze money on candy, right? One of these days, I am going to grow weary of the ratchet fuckery on Halloween and I am gonna be all:


4) Ask Before You #Instagram

I really take no issue with you taking pictures of your children in front of my house, nor do I mind you photographing your child taking candy for your photo album. But, BUT, could you at least ASK before you take it upon yourself to video/vlog/photograph ME? Instead of just yelling out:

This is going on our Instagram. 

I'm Snapchatting YOU!

We are vlogging this for YouTube. I LOVE your house.

Just posted your pic on Facebook, girl. And you already got 158 likes; this one guy said you have great cleavage.



How about #no. Why does everyone have to be so ratchet nowadays and put you on their social media without asking? Photograph/video/send signals to space aliens of your child, but do not put me on your social media without my permission.

Editor's Note: No, I am not a complete beeyatch. When I dressed as Black Swan in 2011, several little girls wanted to take a picture with the "ballerina" and I thought it was adorable. However, their parents ASKED me first and they were not insta-uploading them to BustyBabesofHalloween.com. I see you, pervs. #aintfoolinthisbitch

5) Have Some Ratchet-integrity

Look, I have been around the Halloween block a few times. When you show up at my door with your infant in a stroller and say:

"Ohhhhh can I have a few more candy bars. My other baby is in the car."

You must think I snorted glue if you think I am buying that bullcaca. Just have a little integrity and own that you want that candy for yourself. I mean, maybe you did leave your baby in the car, but #reallytho, you just want a Snickers, Butterfingers and Reeses:

#Ifeelyou #reallyIdo

6) Why Are You Yelling?

If you want to direct your child in the Halloween festivities, why not come to the door with them? Oh, I know, because you would rather stand on the sidewalk and yell things like:

TELL THEM TRICK OR TREAT! SAY TRICK OR TREAT! SAY IT BOO, SAY IT BOOBOO TRICK OR TREAT! GIRL DID HE SAY TRICK OR TREAT YET?

ASK THEM IF THEY HAVE A BATHROOM YOU CAN USE!

TELL THEM YOU ARE POO POO. ASK THEM IF THEY LIKE YOUR POO POO COSTUME!

CAN HE USE YOUR BATHROOM?

ARE YOU GIVING OUT GIFT CARDS?

CAN HE HAVE A GLASS OF WATER? HE'S THIRSTY!

When a mother is barking orders from the street while her child trick or treats my door, I really want to be like:

Ratchet, but effective. 

7) This Is Halloween, NOT Hallo-penis

There is nothing quite like the dad who comes to the door with his children, and wedding ring, and proceeds to blatantly hit on me. He is full of it of great lines like:


Or:


Or:


Last year, this kind of behavior caused Military Husband to come outside and stand with me for the last hour of the evening. Just don't, guys. It is so wrong on so many levels.

8) Puff the Magic Dragon

I really loathe cigarette smoke. And I especially detest when someone blows it in my face. If you need to smoke while you are carting your child around the neighborhood, please do it at the sidewalk. When you come to the door looking like this:


I am pretty scared. And it is Halloween, so bravo for that one. However, and this bud's for you, put your damn cancer stick down, buckaroo.

9) Drink Up, Witches, #Woo!

You have to love the group of moms who are out pulling their children in a wagon, all the while holding ginormous cups of frozen daiquiris and yelling "WOO! HAPPY HALLOWEEN!" at every street corner.


Every so often, one of them wanders up to the door and it is pure comedy gold.

Woo Girl Mom: WOO!! Omg, girrrrrlllll I love your costume. You're SO cutteeeeee.

Me: Ah, thanks.

Woo Girl Mom: Winter, isn't her costume great, it's Halloween bitches WOOOOOO!!!

Me: Uh huh.

Woo Girl Mom: Hold on, hold on, hold on, I wanna get a picture.


On second thought, just keep on keeping on, #woogirls. You are highly entertaining.

And finally........

10) If You Wash Them, Candy Will Come

Let me just let you in on a little secret. After your child has sat in a hot classroom all day, come home and ran a few 100 yards outside and eaten an entire bowl of Cheesy Puffs, he's got the funk.


Here is an idea: WASH them. Oh, and when I thought up this tip, the following conversation took place:

Me: Is it rude to ask parents to wash their kid?

Military Husband: 


Wash them?

Me: Yeah, like give them a bath.

Military Husband: I don't know, but it's funny.

And thus, this final ratchet tip was born. Just bathe your children prior to trick or treat, friends. The "door farts" are bad enough without the extra stench.

Happy Halloween and remember, trick or treat, rock that beat and get some candy you like to eat. #word

Have you encountered any of the situations that I have from working the door on Halloween? Are you taking your children trick or treating this year? Let me know in the comments below!

Preparing for tricks, not treats, I am,

62 comments:

  1. So funny! I don't know how teachers do it all day with all those smelly kids. I'm terrible at halloween costumes, but GREAT at parties and haunted houses. I did one every year for the boys and their friends. I miss it!

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    1. Lol! Oh I have a story on teaching smelly kids. Future blog post!
      Oh man, you sound like a rad mom! Would you like to be an aunt to our future child? Lol.

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  2. It will be interesting to see what trick a treating is like here in Florida - in other places we have lived there have been very few kids around

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  3. We're kind of in the country so....no kids on Hello-Weenie. Speaking of that...I's gonna be a WEENIE FUR Halloween this year... BOL

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  4. oh my, I can't believe this shit goes down in your world! Our version of Halloween seems quite boring compared to this. I love dressing up and made our family dress as Wizard of Oz a couple years ago..that was my fave.

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    1. So so cute!! I love it!
      Girl yesssss the ratchets the ratchets they love me.

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  5. Our mom gotted OUR clawstooms out yesterday... we have 3 to chews from...
    THIS will be the furst time EVER fur us to have trick or treaters... and we don't know Quite what to expect... Mom says it will be FUN...

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  6. You crack me up with your snark. I love it!
    We don't get trick or treaters in my 'hood. I love in a predominantly Orthodox Jewish neighborhood though. I don't even do much for Halloween anyway. I sometimes miss the days of either trick-or-treating or handing out treats. Even though no one comes to our door, I leave candy out in a bowl on the off chance someone will. I'd rather avoid getting tricked. And really, shouldn't the chant be "treat or trick?" Like if you don't give me a treat, you get tricked.
    In the days of having trick or treaters around, I hated when they came by well after trick or treating hours. Like it's 9 pm and my kids need to sleep! Hello?!?

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    1. I know!! I hate when they come late!! Forgot to add that one. At 10pm shut it down!! Lol

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  7. We used to get gobs and gobs of cute little trick or treaters here but not anymore...All the malls have indoor trick or treating and lots of the neighborhood churches have Trunk or Treat, the church members put candy and treats in the trunk of their cars park on the church property...children walk around there safely.
    My dad loves scifi movies this time of year too

    Hugs madi and mom

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  8. Halloween is so different than when mom was a kid. and we live out of town - the only trick or treaters we get are the grandkids and the nieces kids
    hugs
    Mr Bailey, Hazel & Mabel

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  9. I can't stand slutty costumes on parents, it drives me crazy!

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  10. Skimpy costumes are ick. I don't understand why people wear them.

    Cigarette smoke bugs me too. My kids will actually go, "Thanks for ruining our lungs." That can get awkward.

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  11. Seriously, you live in my neighborhood, don't you? We used to have so much fun on Halloween night. Tons of kids, lots of candy, and all was dandy. Then, it happened. Teenagers, teenagers with babies, adults, drunk adults, and the rudest humans known to inhabit the earth. We finally had it three years ago and now turn off our lights. It is so sad that it has come to this. I wrote this post my first Halloween of blogging. Enjoy http://www.mkclinton.com/2013/10/are-you-too-old-for-trick-or-treating.html

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    1. Omgosh my mom feels the same as you!! She totally understands!!

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  12. I look so forward to your posts. If I keep telling you that your going to think I'm crazy, but, whatever :) This is hilarious. We don't get many kids at our house trick or treating so I don't get to see all the weirdness.

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    1. Aw I'm so glad you enjoy it and me!!! It's not cray cray!! You're my marvel buddy. MCU foreverrrrrr

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  13. I can't stop laughing! Your halloween sounds like an adventure!

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  14. You are always so funny! I always have a great laugh!

    God bless,
    XO, Claire
    Http://www.littlemissfashionqueen.com

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    1. Glad I make you lol!! That makes me happy! :)

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  15. OMD, where the hell do you live??!! Okay,nevermind, come to think of it, years ago this was our neighborhood! Now, all the uppity tech peeps moved in, and now it's just boooooring! BOL
    Oh, and Ma wants to know how you got that gif of Ma dancin'??!! That was suppose to be destroyed! ☺
    Kisses,
    Ruby ♥

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    1. Lmfao!!
      Yeah, well, my parents live in the upper class burbs' where all the fun folks live. And people think the wealthier folks don't get ratchet...puhleeze...they buy the good weave but still.
      Trick or treat is ghettooooo and I love it!!

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  16. BAHAHAHAHA I would so be #9 without the kids... HAHAHA

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    1. Um yeah. I've been #9 a few times. Or more. Lol.

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  17. Halloween has certainly changed from when SHE was young....many, many years ago. Then you just dressed up in your parents discarded clothes, put some ash on your face and off you went......with a bar of soap to soap windows if people weren't home. It isn't really celebrated in Oz, but a few hopefuls come around...

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    1. Soap windows! My mom did that too!! lol!

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  18. Spot on! Last year I really wanted to stop giving out candy to kids old enough to say happy Halloween or trick or treat and yet didn't. If you can't be bothered to ask politely then I can't be bothered to give you any. It kills me! The washing thing is spot on. Stinky Elsa or the ninja turtle that smells like he actually came from the sewer is not cute. It also kills me that kids push and shove each other while crowding the door. If you can't back up I can't open the door.

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    1. Omgosh right? Candy is NOT cheap anymore. We actually bought my parents candy to hand out because when your parents are elderly and living on a budget, you just don't have extra cash to hand out expensive candy! And then they aren't even polite? Unbelievable!
      And yes to the crowding! They will run you down!

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  19. that's funny. reminds me of the time I had my house up for sale and I came home from a showing to find candy wrappers all over the floor in the bedroom, bathroom, living room, and dining room. Olivia's candy wrappers from her Halloween candy. Olivia, naturally, was not near the showing.

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    1. Omg really??
      Hey FYI: I'm gonna be your neighbor in 2016. :)

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  20. LOL are you sure you don't live in my neighborhood!! We have a horse that comes through our neighborhood every year that is dressed as a unicorn...good times ;)

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  21. This is one of your funniest posts yet! OMG I think I know every single one of these ratchet parents and their "ratchet fuckery" (BEST LINE!!!!)

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  22. Those tips are awesome, and oh-so-true!
    My kids are too old to trick-or-treat now but I'm sure I'll encounter a few of those ratchet parents as I pass out candy this year.

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    1. Of course! "They live" so to speak...it's like a true scary movie out there lol.

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  23. I love your posts with the word "ratchet" in them. We don't get many Trickers here because there's a big scary scene a few blocks over that draws a huge crowd. Sometimes we will hand out candy and sometimes we turn off the lights and lock the gate to the courtyard so they can't get in!

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    1. Lol! I know my ratchets. Military Husband has become fully familiar with the term and what it means to be one! lol

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  24. So I used to teach in the inner city. Halloween got so bad one year (talk about RATCHET. 8th graders dressed up like grown ass women in bandeau bras as SKIRTS) that they finally said no costumes. The teachers were like, THANK YOU DEAR BABY JESUS. #PRAISETHELORD.

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  25. Wait...SERIOUSLY? A woman showed up trick-or-treating with her kids in one of those "slutty clubbing" costumes? What gets me is that the "slutty" line of costumes (slutty nurse, slutty cop, slutty witch, etc.) have worked their way down to tween costumes. Can girls just not be girls and dress like superheroes for a little longer before they start padding their bras?

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    1. Oh no girl. Not just her kid-an infant. I was like wtf?!
      So gross...can't they just be little girls for as long as possible?? Kids are growing up too fast nowadays!

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  26. I'm so dressing up slutty..haha! Jk! Thanks for your kind words on my blog it made my day, you're the best!

    God bless,
    XO, Claire
    Http://www.littlemissfashionqueen.com

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  27. omg! That condom costume. I am dying!!

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  28. great post

    http://carrieslifestyle.com
    Posts online about Rio, Amsterdam, Amalfi...

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  29. Bahahahaha this had me laughing out LOUD!! Where was your neighborhood when I was a kid?! Can I just go back in time and trick-or-treat on the street you grew up on???? (Oh and Happy Halloween! Hope you enjoy the kids who come to take your candy tonight :) )

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    1. Haha come on lady! Wear a mask!! No one will know! Happy Halloween!!

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