October 6, 2015

Lifetime Movie Network United: The Unauthorized Beverly Hills, 90210 Story

If you read Monday's Pug Post you know that Military Husband spent most of the week and weekend in the hospital. Me and the pugs were are really worried about him. We would like to thank every single one of you who has written well wishes and sent prayers to Military Husband. He feels all of them and it means so much to our family.

As you may know, Military Husband was able to return home late Saturday evening to recover. And even better, he was home just in time for this:

I doubt his doctors would see Lifetime as part of his recovery process.

But truly, I digress.

I have to admit that I could not contain my excitement for "The Unauthorized Beverly Hills, 90210 Story." You see, Mili Wifey was a HUGE fan of 90210. Why, the cast even graduated high school the same year I did! I could not wait to see Lifetime make an absolute trashheap movie portray all my favorite actors, actresses and episodes from the show. I waited with anticipation for the big premiere.

Oh, and it was glorious.

Pure. Glorious. Garbage.

As you all know, I like to round up the plot for those of you who like to fast forward through the Steve and get to the Dylan, if you know what I mean (Editor's Note: Look what I did there with that BH90210 speak. #yasssss). This plot was SO good because:

My favorite OG Hollywood bad girl, Shannen Doherty. I love me some Shannen, especially when she is doing what she does best: Bitch. 

Folks, back in the 90s, Shannen was like:


We open "The Unauthorized Beverly Hills, 90210 Story" in 1992. Luke Perry and Jason Priestley, who shall from this point forward be known as #thePriest, are escaping from a mob of fans. And they look like this:

Who the hell are these dorks?

When we all know, they really looked like this:

#thePriest and Perry with those famous 90210 sideburns.

Flashback in Lifetime Land to 1990 and Aaron Spelling, played by Dan Castellaneta (the voice of Homer Simpson), needs a hit television show. Fox has purchased the rights to Beverly Hills High School and wants Spelling to produce the show, but Spelling is all #nooooo. The next morning, his teenage daughter, Tori, who looks like this:

Who we all know really looked like this:


Tells Spelling that he needs to make a show that appeals to a younger, cooler audience. Hearing this, Spelling immediately calls Fox and agrees to produce Beverly Hills, 90210. Then, we see the other cast members "fairytale" casting experience. Luke Perry is an out of work actor working as a foreman at a construction site; he reads for Steve and does not get the part. Gabrielle Carteris lies about her age (she was 30 at the time) and is cast as Andrea. Ian Ziering is cast as Steve and Brian Austin Green is cast as David. Tori Spelling auditions for the role of Kelly incognito as "Tori Mitchell" (you guessed it, duh, the casting people knew who she was), but the network wants Jennie Garth to play Kelly. So, Tori is written into the show by her dad given the role of Donna Martin. 

I mean, after all, she is the producer's daughter.

All that is left to cast are Brenda and Brandon Walsh. Tori tells her father he should hire Shannon Doherty and #thePriest (#thePriest had just finished up the NBC television series Sister Kate which was cancelled after 18 episodes). At their audition, there is some weird sexual tension between Shannen and #thePriest largely because Shannen.

And casting has to continuously tell her that Brenda and Brandon are supposed to be twins, not  friends who are nightly playing ride the hobby horse.

Gosh, I love where this is going, Lifetime. #TheShannenShow

At the pilot reading, which is, incidentally, held at Spelling's house, Shannen arrives in full on bitch mode. She immediately exclaims, "I haven't worked with any of THESE people" and gives the cast a few nasty looks that would make Heather Duke proud.

By the way, Shannen is portrayed by Samantha Munro, the actress who played Anya on Degrassi Junior High and is VERY Canadian. Samantha sort of favors her, but she keeps saying "aboot" instead of "about" and is nowhere near as aggressive as the real Shannen. I mean:

 And you thought Canada was not in this recap. 
#Ineverforget #thePriestisaKanucktoo

Anyhoo, Season One begins taping and the cast is excited to see their fantastic set. But instead, thanks to the Fox Network, the set is a dump on a back lot next door to a porno studio. Shannen, of course, is absolutely furious she is filming in these conditions and takes it out on the rest of the cast.

Not really, but it would have been exponentially cool, right? #Pruewasmyfave #CharmedForever

Three weeks later in Lifetime Land, the pilot for 90210 is filmed and it sucks. Spelling decides the show needs a bad boy, and it would be in the form of Dylan McKay. He wants Luke Perry to play Dylan, but the network absolutely hates him. So, Spelling pays out of pocket for Luke to star in the role. Luke arrives for work on set and Shannen immediately sizes him up like he is a piece of prime rib at all you can eat steak night at the Sizzler.

That Shannen was a randy gal.

But alas, Fox wants to cancel the show because, well, Fox sucks. They give Spelling three more episodes. Spelling and Darren Starr, the writer of 90210, sit around and watch a classic episode of 90210 titled "The Slumber Party." This is the episode where Kelly tells Brenda, Andrea, Donna and her snobby friend Amanda about the time she was raped by a college guy. Except, apparently, the folks at Lifetime NEVER watched that episode because they are all sitting outside around a bonfire when in the REAL episode they were inside the Walsh house. 

Seriously, Lifetime? You could not get that right? The entire freaking episode is on YouTube: 


Meanwhile, the Gulf War begins. Every station is showing nightly coverage. The Fox Network decides to continue running their schedule which propels 90210's ratings. However, at the time, 90210 was considered "racy" because of the endless make-out scenes between the cast members. The FCC sends a representative to tell the cast that they must stay "above the waist and off the breasts" during any heavy petting scenes. Then, because it is a Lifetime, the entire cast laughs at the FCC representative and starts a whole song and dance that reminds me of the "Reproduction" scene from Grease 2.

Taking liberties with this shit is an understatement.

And of course, I was like:

Lifetime, just #no.

Moving along, we come to the Season One Finale Episode, another classic 90210 episode titled "Spring Dance." This is the episode where Brenda loses her virginity to Dylan. Except, once again, Lifetime does not do its homework because they call it "Winter Formal" and Brenda and Kelly are wearing different dresses, when in the actual episode they arrive in the same dress for the dance. 

(At least 5 girls had on that exact same dress at my high school Homecoming.)

And them wearing the same dress was, like, a HUGE deal.

Well, at least they showed David doing his infamous dancing scene at the formal. Did I mention that ALL Brian Austin Green does during this entire movie is dance around like an idiot?

You would think they would have at least alluded to Season 2, Episode 14 "The Next 50 Years;" the classic 90210 episode when David's friend Scott accidentally shoots himself. But no, they just kept showing David dancing around like a modern day Gene Gene the Dancing Machine. Why? Because it is Lifetime and we are supposed to suspend all belief of plausible logistics.

After the finale episode airs, the show is a hit and Spelling decides he wants to continue 90210 during the summer. However, Fox threatens to cancel the show because of the finale "scandal": Brenda lost her virginity on television and showed no remorse. Spelling decides to begin the second season with Brenda and Dylan breaking up. During filming, Shannen mentions that she never thought it was a good idea for Brenda to lose her virginity anyway and gives Spelling an "I told you so" face.

Also, Shannen continues on her warpath in the following ways: 

1) She has begun directing her episodes and yelling "CUT!" when she is unhappy with the scene.
2) She has resorted to calling the other actors, like Luke Perry, incompetent. 
3) She despises Brenda's clothes and does not want to wear anything wardrobe sends to her dressing room.
4) When it is time to film the famous cast intro, Shannen throws a fit, insisting she be the only one in a red dress. 
5) She HATES Jennie Garth and makes it clear she does not want to be anywhere near her when they are off set. 

And when anyone questions Shannen's diva behavior, she is all:

God, I love Shannen. 
She is just a bitch because she can be.

We move forward to 1992 and the show has become a huge success largely due to the airing of a summer season. Everyone is thrilled over the show's popularity and Mattel even creates dolls of Brenda, Brandon, Kelly and Dylan.


Season Three begins taping, but, Shannen is still being, well, Shannen. She never shows up for work on time and she makes headlines in the tabloids. When an "I Hate Brenda Walsh" newsletter is created, Shannen tells the press she hates her too. She demands an attractive extra be fired immediately. And, she proceeds to start a huge fight with Jennie Garth on set that ends in Shannen attacking Jennie and yelling: "I will kick your ass!"

When life imitates art. #90210

By this time, everyone is sick and tired of Shannen. Everyone that is except Ian Ziering. He decides to take Shannen for a leisurely drive in Steve's car. And because Lifetime, Ian tells Shannen she is like a shark and like a tornado, like a mixture between a shark and a tornado. 

You know, as in Sharknado.

At this point, I am pretty much like:

But I keep it together because, you know:


And she does not disappoint. First, Shannen wrecks the car the studio bought for Ian Ziering to drive as "Steve." Then, after a night of clubbing at the Roxbury, Shannen throws down with a few angry fans who call her a "90210 loser" and gets arrested. Shannen fights with the cops and they tell her she is a "real pain in the ass." 

And Shannen is like:

Spelling receives a call in the middle of the night that Shannen has been arrested for battery (eh, my girl Shannen got into quite a few brawls; my personal fave being that one with Paris Hilton). With all the bad press, Fox Network wants Shannen off the show. Meanwhile, Season Four has begun taping and Shannen is, yet again, not showing up on time for work. The entire cast holds a "house meeting" and decides Shannen needs to be evicted fired. But Shannen protests and explains that her bad behavior is because she is "going through a lot of family stuff."

And THEN, Shannen does the unthinkable. She gets into an argument with Tori Spelling and tells her "you better watch your back." Within a few minutes, Spelling announces that Shannen is "leaving the show" proving that you do NOT mess with the producer's daughter.

Shannen is replaced with Tiffani-Amber Thiessen who stars as Valerie Malone, and Jennie Garth becomes the star of the show. As the movie ends, they flash on screen what each cast member went on to do. As for Shannen, well:

Lifetime, do you mean like this:

Or #nahhhhhh, you just mean she ended up playing a bitch. On screen and in life.

Oh Lifetime, well played. Well played.

Editor's Note: I thought it was interesting to note that EVERYONE recognized Shannen was the most gifted actress on the show, who knew the scripts better than the writers. I know her departure from Charmed had to do with more of the same, but I was super disappointed when she "left" the show. I really thought Shannen, aka "Prue," held that show together. So Shannen, if you ever read this, you rock.

But, BUT, what about Nat and The Peach Pit? And what about Mr. and Mrs. Walsh? Dylan's dad?  His wife? What about crazy Emily? Kelly's mom and her cocaine abuse? What about Donna's abusive boyfriend Ray?


And, are you asking me to forget this?

What about Seasons 5-10? Anything? No, nothing, that is it, that is ALL?

Le Sigh.

Did you watch "The Unauthorized Beverly Hills, 90210 Story"? Did you watch 90210? Is Shannen Doherty your favorite bad girl? Let me know in the comments below!

I went to the Peach Pit, and all I got served was this lousy Lifetime movie, but I still am,


  1. Ahh, I used to have to watch 90210 in hiding, my parents were not fans!!! The good ole days..!

    1. In hiding? Oh gosh! Haha. I loved that show so much!

  2. Glad to hear Military Husband is back home
    Mum used to watch 90210 back in the day...Shannen Doherty was certainly a handful! Mum tells me I'm not allowed to watch it and to nefer even fink about modeling myselfs on her...rats, sounded like she had great funs!
    Loves and licky kisses
    Princess Leah xxx

    1. Lmbo!!
      And thanks for the well wishes for my husband!! Xxoo

  3. I was a 90210 junkie back in the day. I think its hilarious how risque everyone thought it was....it is nothing compared to the $#it on today lol. I had a love hate with ole Brender and the blondes just seemed like airheads. Andrea I never understood and you could so tell she was older than her character which drove me insane. Glad Military Hubby is on the mend. xoxoxo girl and puggy poo!

    1. Hahaha! I loved Valerie tho. She was my favorite. Such a fun character and Tiffani was gorg.

  4. MOL MOL MOL I hope the unauthorized 90210 wasn't too racy for a recovering Military Hubby/Daddy!! Well since it is confession day mom will admit to watching 90210 and Melrose Place!! LOL
    Hugs madi your bfff

  5. I graduated the year after the 90210 kids. I loved that show. I hate I missed the unauthorized story.

    1. It will be on Lifetime a million times no doubt! Keep watching for it (it was on last night!!).

  6. Oh this movie was so bad haha!!

  7. I didn't know this was on. I need to watch that one! I LOVED 90210 back in its early seasons. I gave it another try (most of it is on YouTube--although you have to sometimes come back because the episodes are taken down and someone later puts them back up again!). I thought maybe I should watch the later seasons since I didn't give them a chance the first time. Nope...it got BAD right around the time I remembered. I read Tori Spelling's, Jennie Garth's, and Tori Spelling's autobiographies about their times on the show...they all danced around the Shannen subject. Jennie came closest to spilling what Shannen was really like, but she still held a LOT back. Watching the show again, Shannen really had no right to be such a diva. She truly lacked acting talent. Not sure why she was considered the "experienced one" when the show started. She'd done some TV before, but so had all Jason and Jennie and they had talent!

    1. Shannen had done a few major motion pictures. Heathers was a huge hit in the 90s. Also Shannen had been acting since she was a child. She was Jenny Wilder on Little House on the Prarie for years. I thought she was fantastic on Charmed. Hated when she left and McGowen took over.

  8. Ok, so I never watched the show (we can still be friends though because #marvel). I do feel like I was educated on the show through your eyes though :)

  9. Gee MiliWife
    Sorry I missed this Lifetime movie. I was never a 90210 fan, though.
    Love Noodles

  10. This sounds fun. I knew Shannen was trouble, but I didn't realize she caused THIS much trouble. Holy balls.

  11. Never really got into the 90210 thing, but heard the gossip. I'll bet all the pug love has helped! Glad hubby is getting better.

  12. Didn't watch but admit was totally into that show! Teehee!

    1. Oh yeah! You should watch! The girl who played Kelly looked just like Jennie Garth!

  13. I watched BH 90210 on and off throughout the years. I was more into the new 90210 series on the CW. In any case, I love how you dissected this movie. :)
    Hope your husband is feeling better now. I was offline for a few days, so I am only just now getting back to your blog.

    1. I heard Shannen and Jennie were both in the new one!
      And thanks!!

  14. I was "That Mom" who didn't let my daughter watch 90210. Of course, I didn't let them watch The Simpsons either. #coolbutnotcool ♥ Glad Military Husband is on the mend.

    1. Oh boooooooo!! Lol.
      My dad actually watched it too. And he loved Charmed.

  15. Maybe they're going to make a sequel - hee hee. Hope your husband is feeling better - lucky him to be home in time for this cinematic jewel :)! I actually want to see this one.

    1. Haha right? He was so over the hospital. He hated it!!
      Melrose Place is Saturday night! I am relying on him for everything. I didn't watch that show.

  16. Another show I managed to miss.....however, I liked Sharknado--everything about it was bad....music, plot, special effects.....

  17. Oh gosh, i'm going to see if I can find it on demand! so awesome.

  18. I loved 90210. Thanks for the recap, now I don't need to watch this lifetime thingy!

  19. That was one of my favorite shows in high school. I was bummed I forgot this was coming on last Saturday :/ Guess I didn't miss much. This week is Melrose Place :)

  20. I'm so happy he's feeling better!

    God bless,
    Xo, Claire

  21. I was usually not sure what bed I was in or what time zone I was in upon waking up during the time that show was on (no, not a hooker, commercial pilot).

    I'm sorry I didn't know about your husbands illness and am late in sending a good well as this was the weekend of the crash pad condo close out and unpacking from hell.

    LB - Abby the Lab's Mom

  22. I have probably seen every single episode of 90210 6 times...they had reruns on SOAPNET!! I would have hated this movie because like you I would have wanted to see Nat, the Walshes and all the other seasons. That Emily Valentine was a crazy bitch and I loved it!! I could go on and on about this show!! LOL Awesome recap I laughed so hard...as always!!

    1. Lol!! I'm so glad you loved this show as much as I did. They were my peeps back in the day!! Haha
      Don't get me started on Buffy too. Those were my friends! #btvsforever

  23. I actually wanted to watch this...Mostly for the Shannen drama. I don;'t know why I always thought she left Charmed over a money dispute. I seriously kept waiting for Pru's ghost to show up. I mean everyone else's ghost was on that show.

    1. I heard it was because she and Alyssa Milano did not get along. But it could have been that too! I notice she and Holly Marie Combs only do panels together at comic con. Haha, that would have been great! I loved Charmed.


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