On Saturday night, I smelt something familiar in the air - the whiff of teens in peril, really dumb parents and situations in which I am to suspend all plausible belief of logistics. Yes, my friends, Lifetime movie recaps have returned with the latest film o'week and the satisfaction is like finally finding that random turd #MaddiethePug dropped in the grass last week.
Lifetime has a library of these.
16 & Pregnant, 16 & Stalked, 16 & Deadly, 16 & Dumber, 16 & Yo Momma.
Now, as you know, Military Husband and I try to watch something good on Saturdays, prior to me swishing my Lifetime medicine around in my mouth. However, this weekend, and honestly, this was completely my fault, we watched The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 1 and it was AWFUL. The worst part? Jennifer Lawrence's acting. And this woman is complaining about not getting paid enough?
Two hours of Katniss crying and making #poutface. No. Just NO.
But truly, I digress.
Per usual, I like to give away the plot for those of you who like to pee your pants before the scare, so to speak (my little Halloween pun; roll with it, ok?). Basically, "16 & Missing" is like:
Which, YES, is another Lifetime movie. You see, when the writers at Lifetime get truly desperate, they just recycle one of their old scripts and switch things around a bit. It works because only a few people, like my masochistic ass, watch all these movies every week like it is their job.
I have no life, you see.
Let's press on. "16 and Missing" begins with FBI Agent Julia leaving her husband Lucas and 6 year old daughter Abbey to go on a "secret mission." Ah, #yessssss the typical Hollywood FBI glamour where agents are running around with their guns on secret missions, profiling interesting criminals like Buffalo Bill or hanging out with Mulder chasing aliens. Not the harsh reality of pushing paper in a drab FBI field office in Mobile, Alabama anxiously awaiting a lunch break with free breadsticks from Little Caesars.
This Hollywood nonsense almost convinced me to be an agent.
Anyhoo, as soon as Julia leaves, we see Lucas driving home and someone mysterious is tailing them. And then, we flash forward to ten years later in Lifetime Land and it is Abbey's 16th birthday party. Julia is now married to some
dickwad guy named Daniel who has two children. Uh oh! Looks like Lucas is somewhere assuming the Lifetime position.
Especially when you are cast in a Lifetime movie.
Things are pretty strained with Abbey and Daniel, largely because Daniel is a king size douche. As soon as Abbey and her friends run to check out the new car Julia bought her, Daniel immediately yells to his children: "Come on, let's hurry up and eat all the ice cream and cake!" so that Abbey and her friends will miss out. Way to pick em', Julia.
A huge fight ensues between Abbey and her mom over Daniel, and Abbey runs to her room with a plan. She has been talking to a 23 year old cop from Arizona named Gavin Brown in an online chat room known as "Chatterama.com" for the past two years. Abbey decides to leave in the middle of the night to meet up with Gavin. Other than the obvious "ewwwww" factor that Gavin is 23 and Abbey is 16, I have to wonder if chat rooms are still a thing for teenagers. I thought the cool kids did Periscope and Snapchat these days. Something tells me the Lifetime writers are around my mom's age and think Instagram is the name of a rabid STD.
My mom calls it "The Facepage."
The next day, Abbey has disappeared and Julia, a Lifetime mom that actually has a brain, immediately calls Abbey's bff Janelle. Janelle tells Julia about Abbey's online boyfriend in Arizona. She also knows Abbey's email password, so she changes Abbey's Chatterama.com password which allows Julia to read Abbey's chat messages to Gavin. Julia learns Abbey is on her way to the Blue Ribbon Diner to meet Gavin. Immediately, Julia calls up her old FBI buddies who tell her there is no Gavin Brown on the police force in Arizona. So, she decides to fly to Arizona. Because of course he does, Daniel rolls his eyes and says, "Don't you think you are overreacting?"
WOW, Daniel, no wonder Abbey ran off with some weird dude she met online.
I am reconsidering just exactly how smart "Agent Julia" really is for marrying this asshat.
Over in Arizona, Abbey arrives at the diner and sees Gavin. She tells him that he looks a lot older than in his picture online.
At this point, Military Husband comes charging in the bedroom staring at the television with a dumbfounded look on his face.
Military Husband: OH. I thought that was the guy from NCIS or something. Nevermind.
Despite him being a bit older than he claimed, Abbey is dying to give Gavin a kiss, and Gavin decides to take her to the "perfect spot," aka date rape alley, to lock lips. On the way there, Gavin puts on some cheesy country music and tells her they are like a real life Romeo & Juliet except this is Lifetime not Shakespeare. Finally, they arrive at Lover's Lane and make out in the car, all the while some lady is staring them like if these two do not quit:
And so will I.
At or around the same time, Julia arrives in Arizona and meets her retired FBI agent friend who supplies her with a pickup truck, a pile of ammo and a couple of M16s. And I am like, are we sure this is Arizona and not Texas?
Meanwhile, Abbey and Gavin are hanging out at Gavin's house and Gavin tells Abbey his dad was murdered in the line of duty by his partner and his mom died two years later of a broken heart. Abbey tells Gavin her dad was murdered, too. We flashback to the night that Abbey was 6 years old riding in the car with Lucas. Lucas and Abbey are kidnapped by a guy in a van. Lucas manages to get the van door open so Abbey can escape. Abbey "hides" visibly behind a bush, but the guy ignores her and decides to leave the only eyewitness to a crime because this is Lifetime and we are supposed to suspend all belief of plausible logistics. Abbey says that Lucas was later found in the woods bound, gagged and shot in the head. At this point, I am like, Gavin's dad was murdered by his "cop" partner, Abbey's mom is a cop, Abbey's dad gets murdered mysteriously while Abbey's mom is on a mission. Coincidence?
The Lifetime writer's plot transparency is back, AGAIN.
That afternoon, Julia calls home to tell Daniel she is safe in Arizona and heading to find Gavin and Abbey. Daniel is pretty much like, whatever, hangs up and yells to his kids, "Who wants cookies? How about cookies for dinner!!"
This guy. Right here. Named Daniel.
Julia heads to the diner and a patron tells her that he saw a man with her daughter who is actually named Wesley Sherman, Jr.. He tells Julia where he lives, says he is "bad news" and "has lots of guns." Julia realizes that Wesley Sherman, Jr. is the son of her ex-partner Wesley Sherman and gets his address from her FBI friends. Back at Gavin/Wesley's house, Gavin/Wesley is trying to get Abbey to ride his red Twizzler. Last I checked, Gavin/Wesley was like 35 and Abbey was 16, so this roller coaster ride's next stop is a trip to Arizona's sex offender registry. But, BUT, you go ahead on Gavin/Wesley and take that underage sex advice from R Kelly.
He sees nothing wrong with a lil bump n' grind.
As Abbey protests, Gavin/Wesley gives Abbey lots of great lines like:
"You can't get pregnant on the first time. That's an old wives tale."
"I'm gonna be gentle with you."
"I don't have diseases. Do you? No diseases here!"
Can we just not, Lifetime. #freaknasty
While he is dishing out this blech, Abbey sees a diploma on the wall with the name "Wesley Sherman, Jr." and starts questioning Gavin/Wesley. She tells him she wants to wait to do the horizontal wango tango. Gavin/Wesley leaves the room giving Abbey enough time to check his driver's license which also reads "Wesley Sherman, Jr." Abbey confronts Gavin/Wesley again, gets nervous, makes a run for it and realizes it was Gavin/Wesley who killed her dad Lucas. Gavin/Wesley grabs Abbey and texts Julia to meet them at the "Lincoln Mine." At the "Lincoln Mine," Julia tells Gavin/Wesley that his dad was a dirty cop and we flashback in Lifetime Land to see Gavin/Wesley's dad trying to let a bad guy go, pointing a gun at Julia and Julia shooting him in self defense. Gavin/Wesley does not care though because he is a Lifetime psycho doing psycho things. Finally, Abbey bites Gavin/Wesley, he lets go of her and Julia shoots him.
And Gavin/Wesley does what, my friends? He ASSUMES THE LIFETIME POSITION. #spoileralert
We flash forward to Julia, Daniel, his kids and Abbey all hugging and living happily ever after. And Daniel closes the movie with "I want my cake and ice cream!!"
This pernicious twit. Named Daniel.
I cannot even with him. Or this movie.
Ah, Lifetime, you were
Anddddddddd roll credits.
Did you watch "16 & Missing"? Do you monitor what your children are doing on social media and online? How do you keep them safe from weirdo predators? Did you miss my Lifetime recaps? Let me know in the comments below!
As always, I keep wiping the Lifetime crap off my shoe, all for you, and I am,