On Saturday night, I watched Insidious: Chapter 2 for the 5,432,000th time. James Wan did such a brilliant job with this film and the original Insidious; both movies are always on our Halloween Night movie list. Somewhere near the end of the film, this conversation took place:
Military Husband: Hey, your movie is on.
Me: Yeah, but, I, um, want to let the commercials run for a bit, so I can fast forward. Or something like that.
Yep, folks. Here I am, AGAIN, saying anything and everything to avoid my Saturday night enema which this week came in the form of:
At this juncture, I must be honest. I never really watched Melrose Place (although I was familiar with the cast). Over the course of its airing, I maybe watched a total of five episodes. You see, the first few seasons aired immediately after 90210 at 9:00 p.m. and Mili Wifey was preparing for bed because, you know, high school. During Season 3, Melrose Place aired on Mondays at 8:00 p.m and Mili Wifey was watching:
Yo, home to Bel-Air!
After Season 3, I was busy at night on AOL and Geocities building and designing a website for my favorite Fox Network show, The X Files. #trustnoone
Being that I am no Melrose Place expert, I made sure to have Military Husband accompany me on this journey. He, on the other hand, watched Melrose Place on the regular. But making this trek with me, my friends, was NO easy feat because the plot of "The Unauthorized Melrose Place Story" was, well:
"The Unauthorized Melrose Place" movie begins in February 1992 at a Fox Network party. Spelling and Star, played by Dan Castellaneta and Adam Korson who were also in The Unauthorized Beverly Hills, 90210 Story, are reveling in the success of 90210. Fox Network has asked Spelling to produce a spinoff and Star wants the television show to be about 20somethings finding themselves. Casting is held and Stephen Dale is initially given the role of Billy. In May 1992, Stephen pretty much shows up on set looking like this:
And Spelling fires him. He immediately asks his daughter Tori for advice on who to cast in his place and she suggests Andrew Shue, Elisabeth Shue's brother. Oh, and Abby Ross, the same actress from the Unauthorized Beverly Hills, 90210 Story, plays Tori Spelling suggesting the "Lifetime Unauthorized Films" are like some weirdly connected Canadian Marvel-style Universe.
Except that this is Lifetime, so it is just all kinds of #no.
As Season One airs, we learn that the fans love the show, but the critics think it is absolute garbage. Star hires Daphne Zuniga, a well known actress, to join the cast and a fellow cast member immediately greets her with, "May The Schwartz Be With You."
And then, this happened:
Not really, but that would have been exponentially cooler than this movie. #donttouchherhair
Now, folks, I have to tell you this is where things get fuzzy. Basically, in the first hour of the movie, the cast, Spelling and Star try to think up ways to save the show from Fox being, well, Fox and cancelling it after one season. But #yeahhhhhh, I had completely zoned out because the acting, script and this whole entire chapter in "Lifetime Unauthorized Films" was BAD.
How bad, you ask? Well, I wanted to tell the director of the film:
But, BUT, then, Heather Locklear arrives to save
the movie the show and says that infamous line from the previews of this crap film: "Did somebody order a bitch?"
With that, Military Husband says:
Really? REALLY? And so it goes, I am all by my lonesome with
this pile of rancid manure Lifetime yet again.
At least ScarJo always gets me. #letsbefriendsplease
The next hour is another haze largely because the director insisted on playing that horrible 90s club song "Finally" by Ce Ce Peniston over and over and OVER.
90s club music sucked SO.INCREDIBLY.BAD. #trustme #Iwasthere
However, here is what I remember about the last hour of the film:
1) Once Locklear joined the show, Fox Network gave Spelling, Star and crew full reign to turn up the sex and crazy plot lines.
2) The cast rather awkwardly begged Star to write ridiculous plot lines for their characters.
3) The cast gathered in a bar to watch the season finale of Season 2. When Fox abruptly decided to cut the scene in which actor Doug Savant kissed another male, two guys in the bar literally were like this to Savant:
4) There was some minor and boring drama between the girls when the famous Rolling Stone magazine cover was shot. You know, THIS cover:
5) They recreated one of Melrose's most shocking episodes where Kimberly, played by Marcia Cross, reveals a huge nasty scar underneath her wig. You know, THIS episode:
As the movie mercifully comes to a close, we see a recreation of Season 3's Season Finale titled "The Big Bang." One thing I will give Melrose Place - no one could do a season finale quite like the writers on this show. This was the season finale in which Kimberly detonated bombs in the apartment building and she ends up face down in the complex's swimming pool. It was glorious and everyone is thrilled at the huge success of Melrose Place AND they all live happily ever after for four more seasons.
Except for Darren Star who moves to New York and never works with Spelling again.
The End. Or so it seems......
*Commercial Time* And this commercial is for Dannon's Activia, you know, that weird stool softener that is imbedded in seemingly innocent yogurt and cheese. Did I ever tell you guys about the time I accidentally bought a pack of Activia string cheese? Oh man. And I thought Lifetime movies gave me the runs. But truly, I digress.*
AND THEN, the movie suddenly returns showing Darren Star sipping coffee in New York as four women walk down the street. Women who are supposed to be Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda, but look NOTHING like them, which has me like:
"Lifetime Unauthorized Films" is doing an "Unauthorized Sex and the City Story"! And, AND, at the same time I am learning of this, Military Husband is in the background saying:
"And they are doing an "Unauthorized Charmed Story."
I cannot even with this fuckery. #Lifetimejuststahhhhp
Did you watch "The Unauthorized Melrose Place Story?" Did you watch Melrose Place? Are you sick of these "Unauthorized Lifetime Films" yet? Let me know in the comments below!
I keep on falling in the Lifetime doo doo, so you don't have to, and I am,