October 13, 2015

Lifetime Movie Network, Inc.: The Unauthorized Melrose Place Story



On Saturday night, I watched Insidious: Chapter 2 for the 5,432,000th time. James Wan did such a brilliant job with this film and the original Insidious; both movies are always on our Halloween Night movie list. Somewhere near the end of the film, this conversation took place:

Military Husband: Hey, your movie is on.

Me: Yeah, but, I, um, want to let the commercials run for a bit, so I can fast forward. Or something like that.

Yep, folks. Here I am, AGAIN, saying anything and everything to avoid my Saturday night enema which this week came in the form of:


At this juncture, I must be honest. I never really watched Melrose Place (although I was familiar with the cast). Over the course of its airing, I maybe watched a total of five episodes. You see, the first few seasons aired immediately after 90210 at 9:00 p.m. and Mili Wifey was preparing for bed because, you know, high school. During Season 3, Melrose Place aired on Mondays at 8:00 p.m and Mili Wifey was watching:

Yo, home to Bel-Air!

#sorrynotsorry

After Season 3, I was busy at night on AOL and Geocities building and designing a website for my favorite Fox Network show, The X Files. #trustnoone

Being that I am no Melrose Place expert, I made sure to have Military Husband accompany me on this journey. He, on the other hand, watched Melrose Place on the regular. But making this trek with me, my friends, was NO easy feat because the plot of "The Unauthorized Melrose Place Story" was, well:


"The Unauthorized Melrose Place" movie begins in February 1992 at a Fox Network party. Spelling and Star, played by Dan Castellaneta and Adam Korson who were also in The Unauthorized Beverly Hills, 90210 Story, are reveling in the success of 90210. Fox Network has asked Spelling to produce a spinoff and Star wants the television show to be about 20somethings finding themselves. Casting is held and Stephen Dale is initially given the role of Billy. In May 1992, Stephen pretty much shows up on set looking like this:


And Spelling fires him. He immediately asks his daughter Tori for advice on who to cast in his place and she suggests Andrew Shue, Elisabeth Shue's brother. Oh, and Abby Ross, the same actress from the Unauthorized Beverly Hills, 90210 Story, plays Tori Spelling suggesting the "Lifetime Unauthorized Films" are like some weirdly connected Canadian Marvel-style Universe.


Except that this is Lifetime, so it is just all kinds of #no.

As Season One airs, we learn that the fans love the show, but the critics think it is absolute garbage. Star hires Daphne Zuniga, a well known actress, to join the cast and a fellow cast member immediately greets her with, "May The Schwartz Be With You." 

And then, this happened:


Not really, but that would have been exponentially cooler than this movie. #donttouchherhair

Now, folks, I have to tell you this is where things get fuzzy. Basically, in the first hour of the movie, the cast, Spelling and Star try to think up ways to save the show from Fox being, well, Fox and cancelling it after one season. But #yeahhhhhh, I had completely zoned out because the acting, script and this whole entire chapter in "Lifetime Unauthorized Films" was BAD. 

How bad, you ask? Well, I wanted to tell the director of the film:


THAT bad.

But, BUT, then, Heather Locklear arrives to save the movie the show and says that infamous line from the previews of this crap film: "Did somebody order a bitch?"


With that, Military Husband says:

"I'm done."

Really? REALLY? And so it goes, I am all by my lonesome with this pile of rancid manure Lifetime yet again.

At least ScarJo always gets me. #letsbefriendsplease

The next hour is another haze largely because the director insisted on playing that horrible 90s club song "Finally" by Ce Ce Peniston over and over and OVER.

90s club music sucked SO.INCREDIBLY.BAD. #trustme #Iwasthere

However, here is what I remember about the last hour of the film:

1) Once Locklear joined the show, Fox Network gave Spelling, Star and crew full reign to turn up the sex and crazy plot lines.
2) The cast rather awkwardly begged Star to write ridiculous plot lines for their characters.
3) The cast gathered in a bar to watch the season finale of Season 2. When Fox abruptly decided to cut the scene in which actor Doug Savant kissed another male, two guys in the bar literally were like this to Savant:


4) There was some minor and boring drama between the girls when the famous Rolling Stone magazine cover was shot. You know, THIS cover:


5) They recreated one of Melrose's most shocking episodes where Kimberly, played by Marcia Cross, reveals a huge nasty scar underneath her wig. You know, THIS episode:


As the movie mercifully comes to a close, we see a recreation of Season 3's Season Finale titled "The Big Bang." One thing I will give Melrose Place - no one could do a season finale quite like the writers on this show. This was the season finale in which Kimberly detonated bombs in the apartment building and she ends up face down in the complex's swimming pool. It was glorious and everyone is thrilled at the huge success of Melrose Place AND they all live happily ever after for four more seasons. 

Except for Darren Star who moves to New York and never works with Spelling again.

The End. Or so it seems......

*Commercial Time* And this commercial is for Dannon's Activia, you know, that weird stool softener that is imbedded in seemingly innocent yogurt and cheese. Did I ever tell you guys about the time I accidentally bought a pack of Activia string cheese? Oh man. And I thought Lifetime movies gave me the runs. But truly, I digress.*

AND THEN, the movie suddenly returns showing Darren Star sipping coffee in New York as four women walk down the street. Women who are supposed to be Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda, but look NOTHING like them, which has me like:


"Lifetime Unauthorized Films" is doing an "Unauthorized Sex and the City Story"! And, AND, at the same time I am learning of this, Military Husband is in the background saying:

"And they are doing an "Unauthorized Charmed Story."

I cannot even with this fuckery. #Lifetimejuststahhhhp

Did you watch "The Unauthorized Melrose Place Story?" Did you watch Melrose Place? Are you sick of these "Unauthorized Lifetime Films" yet? Let me know in the comments below!

I keep on falling in the Lifetime doo doo, so you don't have to, and I am,

40 comments:

  1. Been blessed never to have seen the authorised or unauthorised. However, did enjoy seeing Fat Bastard and Spaceball references...lol!

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  2. I still finks your reviews are better than any programme! You should be in the TeeVees business!
    Loves and licky kisses
    Princess Leah xxx

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  3. I think I watched a whole episode of the show. Wasn't my thing!

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  4. I never watched but again I will say I love your recaps so I'd rather read those!! Also, tonight #AgentsofSHIELD. Do you watch all things Marvel?? I feel like we would have so much to talk about.

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    1. Of course I do! Everything MCU. All of it. Look back through my blogs. There's one on Agent Carter!!

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    2. I am going to have to go through all your posts!!

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    3. Here it is:
      http://www.militarywifeandpuglife.com/2015/07/10-reasons-every-woman-should-care.html
      Enjoy!
      PS Ahhh I'm really loving AOS right now. I have so many thoughts....maybe I will write a post at mid season finale. I'm sure it will be epic! I can't believe we lost Tripp at the last mid season finale. I almost died....so sad!!!!

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  5. MOL MOL it was that 'good'! I think in most cases there should not be a revisit/remake of old Tvees shows.
    My fall thingies are real...not plastic but thankfully I'm not into chewing things...except T-bones
    Hugs madi your bfff

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    Replies
    1. Oh yay! Haha I like t-bones too! xoxo MaddiethePug

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  6. Thank you for your devotion to saving us hours of our lives that we will never get back again with eyes glued to Lifetime.

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  7. Never watched Melrose. Won't watch the movie. But your review; funny as always!

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  8. Hahaha these movies are just so bad!

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  9. I didn't really watch Melrose Place. But man I miss Geocities.

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    Replies
    1. Lol!! Yes!! Such a 90s thing to do...build a geocities website!

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  10. I never watched Melrose Place. But I did watch Sex and the City. I'd watch an unauthorized movie of that.

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    Replies
    1. I did too. So yup, I gotta do it. I love SJP.

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    2. Hahaha!! I watched the entire thing and movies while I was sick years ago.

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  11. I never watched Melrose Place either. Was I THAT out of touch with television during those years? Oh yeah, I had babies so I pretty much watched Disney cartoons 24/7. If Lifetime does an unauthorized biography of The Little Mermaid or Beauty & The Beast, I am so there! As always, I appreciate your sacrifice!

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    1. Lol! Yep when you have kids you can't watch anything! Hahaha I babysat for awhile and let me tell you how many times I watched Frozen!! Ugh

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  12. Oh NO...they're doing MORE of these? I saw a chart that showed the ratings were dropping with each one--and the last two (90210 and MP) had dropped to nearly nothing. I watched all of them over the weekend except the Full House one, which isn't out there on my Xfinity on Demand for watching online. 90210 was fun...and a lot of the stories matched what I'd read about the show in the various biographies. But yeah, MP was boring, boring, boring. I know there was juicier stuff going on, they just didn't cover it! The biggest drama was with that magazine cover thing and that didn't even lead to drama...just two disappointed actresses. Plus, the actors didn't look anything like the real people. The Jennie Garth lookalike from the 90210 movie was seriously freaking me out, she was so similar. She even took the time to really get Jennie's mannerisms down. I was super impressed!

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    1. Haha yeah she was great! The 90210 was ok. Lots of Shannen! The MP one sucked...proving all the drama was on screen not off! Lol

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  13. I think they finally ran out of murderous teenager story ideas, so they're turning to unauthorized biographies now. I never watched Melrose Place - I think I was busy having babies, maybe?

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    1. I'm sure that was it!! Lol. I was a teenager at the time!

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  14. AHAHA I remember watching Melrose Place, again sneaking it from my parents...! And to think, I was a naive young teen, thinking life was like that in real life... Almost, but not...

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    1. Hahaha! Omg! That's so funny because my dad actually watched that show. He loved all the crazy drama.

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  15. bummed that your hubby gave up! so funny

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    1. I know. He keeps doing this. Foul play....

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  16. I've never watche Melrose place nor do I watch scary movies of ANY KIND. PS - I knew your Pug had great taste when you told me he/she is a Cubs fan too!!😂😂 And I'm LOL about the 16 candles reference too. 😂😂

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    Replies
    1. It is a she and yep she loves her cubbies! We only have girl dogs! Only girls no boys, we're pugs pugs pugs (that's my Cmon On Feel The Noise song for my pugs, lol).
      Hahahaha right? I'm so random but its the first thing I thought of!

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  17. OMG Activia string cheese I am dying LMAO!! I have this and the 90210 one on DVR and have yet to watch either.

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    1. Girl. That stuff is evil! I had no idea...hiding a stool softener in my string cheese should be illegal. For real tho.

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  18. I would watch Melrose Place all the time! Wish there were reruns... =)

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    Replies
    1. Is it on Netflix yet? Haha such a classic 90s show right? Xxoo

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