October 8, 2015

6 Kinds Of Annoying People In The Grocery Store



Ah, the grocery store. What is it about getting married? Ever since I tied the knot, it seems like I am grocery shopping more than ever.

You feel me, #dawg?

Do not get it twisted. I love to grocery shop because, you know, shopping. Plus, you never know what you will find in the grocery store that you just HAVE to take home because you were hungry.


Now, I am the type who likes to branch out with my stores. I shop everywhere from the commissary to Walmart. No matter where I go, I encounter the EXACT same kinds of annoying ass people.

And I bet you do too. Or, you ARE one of the annoying ass people. If so, well, then:


Here are my 6 Kinds Of Annoying People In The Grocery Store:
(why 6, you ask? Devil's Number. #BOOM #booyah #devilwentdowntoKroger)

1) Ratchetina and Her Kids

Oh, you know, just your average ratchet and her badass kids unleashed in the middle of the produce section.



They are, most notably, covered in snot, tear stains and screaming to the top of their lungs something along the lines of:

"BUT.....I....JUST....(snot slurp)...WANTED....(snot slurp)....THE TOY!"

"Momma, can I hold that? Momma, can I hold that? Momma, can I hold that? (stomps feet, jumps up and down) Momma, can I hold...THAT....BUBBLEGUM?"

"He pushed me!!" "She pushed me!!" "She's touching me!!" "He stinks." "I'm telling!!"

or, even better:

"Momma, there go that big lady that look like the elephant we saw on TV at school."

Kids just say and do the darndest things, right?


You see, the problem here folks is that Ratchetina is IGNORING these children as they break out into rousing rounds of any of the above phrases. Nope, she cannot be bothered by her badass children. She is busy taking pictures like this:


Or shopping like this:


Or hanging out like this:


To have time to deal with her children. That is right, Ratchetina's children have now become YOUR problem while you grocery shop. But, if you dare to even look as if you are annoyed or disgusted by her demon spawn's behavior and her lack of concern, she looks at you like:


Rachetina is actually offended that you would dare question her parenting skills. 

I see a "Ratchetina and her kids" everywhere, at all times of the day. It may be 9:00 a.m. on a school day, but for some reason, Ratchetina's kids are with her at the grocery store. 

This is why a trip to the grocery store often leads to this:


2) Mrs. George

Just your average 45 year old mom who still thinks it is acceptable to shop at Hot Topic and Charlotte Russe.  She reeks of a mix of cosmopolitans, acrylic nails and Britney Spears Fantasy perfume. Undoubtedly, this is the woman that Amy Poehler based her Mean Girls character on.


She is aimlessly wandering the store with her basket full of pumpkin spice Oreos, Chi-Chis Mexican Mudslide Mix and a few frozen dinners. Because you look like you want to engage with this individual, she strikes up a conversation with you like so:

Mrs. George: Godddddddd (intense smell of rancid perfume fruit and booze seeping from her pores). Why do they move things around in here. Honey, I cannot find anything. Can you find anything? This is just cray cray.

Me: Uh huh, right.

Mrs. George: (peering into my basket) Are those any good? What is that, Buffalo Ranch Lays? (grabs bag from your basket)

Me: Um, yeah, I don't know, my husband eats them.

Mrs. George: Girrrrrrlllllll, shopping for your husband? Aren't you cute. Get it girllll with your husband.


She is just all kinds of #no.

3) Winter and Bunny

These "ladies" fall in the common grocery store annoyance category of "aisle cloggers." Winter and Bunny are spotted by their full face of clubbing makeup (complete with winged eyeliner and highlighter #onfleek), tennis skirts/Juicy Couture track suits/racerback tanks reading "I Woke Up Like This #Flawless", neon pink Nikes, Louis Vuitton Neverfull's and are clutching their Starbucks pumpkin spice lattes in one hand and iPhones in the other. They have been named by their parental units after months, seasons or fuzzy animals.


They are the definition of a "basic bitch" and they are currently clogging up the aisle you NEED to get down. You just want a can of cream of chicken soup. It is the last thing on your list and you can go home, but #noooooo, Winter and Bunny have popped a squat right in the middle of the aisle, blocking the soup cans to discuss "important issues" in their lives.


And they will NOT move. If you ask them to move or attempt to maneuver your way around them, they give you the typical nasty pretentious "Oh look, a peasant!" grin-growl.

Later in life, these women morph into 2) Mrs. George.

Friends, this is the one time in the grocery store I begin to lose my common sense of all things decent, moral and classy. It is when I want to unleash my inner fists of fury. My body and mind move to full on Tarentino-female lead badass.

I am seriously rage-challenged. 
All this good girl passive aggressiveness is EATING my soul.

Cause, you know, like R Kelly, my mind is telling me no, but my body, my body's telling me yes.


What I need is a friend to combat Winter and Bunny. Someone who can launch an attack on these two Miss Dior Demons. Because then, we can Kick Basic Bitch Ass on Aisle 12 and be all:


Be my cellmate? #Imcute

4) Old People

Editor's Note: Military Husband wanted me to make certain I included old people. Personally, I do not have a problem with the elderly in the grocery store, per say. I mean, yeah, sometimes they are grouchy and nasty but that is what I love - being old gives you an excuse to be a bitch. And being a bitch myself, well, you get the idea. #cantwaittobeanOLDbitch #elderlypeoplearebaebaes

I tend to shop early so I can avoid the crowd (*cough cough* CROWDS of Ratchetinas and Badass Kids). If you shop early, you must deal with the elderly. They rise at 5:00 a.m. and they have nothing better to do than go to the grocery store. Now, you must realize that it has been awhile since MawMaw and PawPaw have shopped, you know, like 1942 "awhile" and things have changed. Tuna is no longer 42 cents a can and bread is more than a $1.00 a loaf. MawMaw and PawPaw just do not understand the price hikes and will proclaim it loudly like so:

"Well, I'll be, they want $7 for this milk! This is like the great train robbery in 1949!"

and

"My word. $2 for a carton of eggs. What in the Sam hell?"

And, they also say a lot of hilarious things like:

"My stars, that girl (points at woman wearing a skirt so short you can practically see her #ladyhamster) must be colder than a witches teet!"

and

"That stocker boy (points, AGAIN, the elderly LOVE to point) looks like he has been taking the marijuana."

Being old is awesome. 

Because when you are past a certain age, you no longer give a damn. 

It is all fun and games until the elderly check out because they insist on writing a check. And writing said check takes anywhere from an hour to the rest of your life. I am convinced this is why Walmart invented the system where they scan your check for you. Because you and I both know that if Ghettorella working the cash register in Walmart does not have time for us, she certainly is not going to deal with the elderly. Matter of fact, I am certain situations like this have arose in the past:

MawMaw: Now, do I make this check to Walmart or Wal-mart? Oh, wait, I cannot remember where the decimal point goes. Let me see. Oh, this is my wrong check book. PAWPAW!!, do you have that checkbook from 1962, that is the bank with all the money. Hold on a second there, missy. Just let me get the right bank.

Ghettorella: I know you aren't going to hold up this line, old lady!



And the thing about the elderly is, as previously noted, they no longer give a damn. So one day, in one check out line, MawMaw responded like this:



And #BOOM the Walmart check system was invented.

Legit, old people are not annoying at ALL. #oldpeopleROCK

5) Clueless Husband

In defense of all husbands sent to the grocery store by their wives, I suppose Clueless Husband really is not THAT bad. He is just, well, there. And by there, I refer you back to when I discussed the common category of "aisle clogger" in 3) Winter and Bunny. He is normally found standing around with one of those little basket contraptions that no woman ever uses in a grocery store because, you know, the thing will not hold jack or its relative shit.

Most useless invention on earth.
No woman goes shopping for just ONE thing. #amIrightladies

Clueless Husband is usually found on the chips and snack aisle, staring in wonderment like a child at the dessert bar of a Golden Corral. Why, you ask? Because his wife has never brought home ANY of this stuff before. Clueless Husband's wife has sworn up and down that a brand called "Utz" does not exist and never has, therefore Cheese Balls are not on any shelf in the store. She has told him that Hostess quit making Snowballs YEARS ago and the whole concept of beer pretzels is a myth. 

His trip to the grocery store will likely lead to this:


The next time she tells him Chips Ahoy does not make an Oreo Creme Filled Cookie.

You see, the most annoying thing about Clueless Husband is some wife sent him to the store ALONE and he is currently debunking all the half truths and white lies we have told our husbands to avoid bringing snacks home that cause us to gain 15 pounds overnight. Clueless Husband is somewhere, right now, taking notes and telling the others because of YOU, yes YOU, Clueless Husband's wife who wanted to catch up on Scandal instead of running to the store.

We are done with you. You are written out of the cool wives handbook. Begone. Poof. Vamoose.


6) Bluetooth Man

This asshole. Right here.


He has to walk around life with a Bluetooth connected to his ear because he is just that important. Who the hell is this guy? Is he Ironman waiting for a report from Jarvis?

Why does he always need to be connected?

What blows my mind is the NERVE of this man is always enormously never-ending. I always run into one of these at a typical day in Walmart where there are only two cashiers working and 5,432,000 people waiting in line. But Bluetooth Man is VIP, you see, and he is the one who will barge into a line saying:

"I only have two things can I just cut ahead?"

or

"Damn, all these full carts, I have only a few things, can everyone just let me through?"

Or better yet, he just proceeds to cut in front of you. When another cashier finally finishes filing her last stiletto nail and opens a lane, he IGNORES the fact that everyone else has been standing in line for thirty minutes and books it to the new lane.


I have a message for you, YES, you, Bluetooth man: Ground control to Major Asshole, you are NOT that important, so how about you Rosa Parks your ass back in line. #justsaying

Speaking of, I really need to go to the grocery store.

Le Sigh.

What kinds of people annoy you at the grocery store? Have you run into any of these people at your local grocery store? Let me know in the comments below!

Because there is a blue light special on asshats in the store today, I am,

62 comments:

  1. Hahahahahahahaha!!! Okay, I love all kinds of shopping EXCEPT grocery shopping. Hate it. BUT, I have two teenage boys and a husband so I'm there a lot. Sigh. For me, the worst is the elderly. I like to get in and get out, but they do not. And they get in my way, but I can't run them over, because they are elderly. My husband isn't allowed to grocery shop because he spends three times what I do. So he has been banned.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lmbo. They do get in the way!
      And yes! See, you understand the husband issue! You CAN sit with us!!! :)

      Delete
  2. BOL BOL, my momma says she sees all of dem at da store! Da funniest clueless husband was the one who was lookin for evaporated milk - he'd looked in the dairy area, but couldn't find it. It was around Thanksgiving, AKA Amateur Hour at da grocery store. Kinda like NYE for drunk drivers.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lmao!
      Oh worse. Valentine's Day. It's like the zombie apocalypse for clueless husbands in the store.

      Delete
  3. Mum is nodding her head in agreement...and laffing! Apparently you get the same shoppers here in the UK as well!!!
    Loves and licky kisses
    Princess Leah xxx
    PeeS Hope Military Husband is feeling much better now

    ReplyDelete
  4. 100% YES - we agree and see all of these too but there is the one you missed - not a shopper per see but the totally useless store employee - the one you ask a question off and they look at you as if they from a different planet and have no idea where anything is in the store they work at......maybe that is a whole other list though - the 7 worst store employees :)

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    Replies
    1. Oh gosh. Don't even get me started on that!

      Delete
  5. Lol, your post is on point, girl! I can't stand misbehaving kids in the grocery store (or anywhere else). Ugh. Give me 20 puppies instead needing to be housebroken - will take those any day over screaming kids ;-) Category # 7: Cashiers moving snail-style. I don't have a lot of time on my hands most of the time when I'm grocery shopping (hate it) because I usually have to fit it in between my dog walking/pet sitting visits, so stop gossiping with your co-workers and focus on me! There!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh yes. Those are horrible. Gossiping? Girl the cashiers are on their phones now!! Quit texting and ring me up!!

      Delete
  6. I swear, you're my soul mate!!! I can't tell you how much the grocery store makes me CRAZY. I haven't set foot in a Walmart in about 5 years because of it (except when my husband dragged me in there so he could find some sort of fishing crap). But...get this...Walmart will be doing online grocery shopping here starting in a week. So I can go online, order all my groceries, set a time, then go pick it up. I don't even have to get out of the car. I'm SO all over that! Our big grocery store chain (Kroger) is bringing it here next year, too. I know some people are picky about their produce (although they said they're going to let you specify the ripeness, etc.), but I just hate grocery shopping THAT much that I'm willing to let go of my control freakiness to make life easier!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Online shopping sounds so awesome!! Seriously, it's gotten ridiculous and honestly it's not safe anymore for people my moms age to be shopping.

      Delete
  7. Because I live in rural Quebec, mainly in a cottage area, we have another type - we call them the city-iots (city idiots) who are usually dressed like bums, take up the whole isles, and are just rude!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Elderly is definitely the worst for me....I move when I go: I have a mission and I'm fast and THEY JUST GET IN MY WAY!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lmbo. They go slow because what else do they have to do!! Haha they drive this way as well.

      Delete
  9. My peeps have been married 45.5 years...mom said they used to buy a week's groceries for 25.00 for the two of them.
    yesterday they spent 100.00 which isn't bad considering but stilll
    Hugs and we hope hubby is feeling better
    madi and mom

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I manage to spend a little over that for me and Military Husband. So about the same! That's when I go to the commissary tho. Walmart? Forget it! Meat is pretty expensive and he's big on grilling. Also, how expensive is toilet paper these days? Haha I sound old!!

      Delete
  10. MilitaryWife
    Yeah, alarm bells going off all over the place re grocery stores. I hate it. . . avoid it when I can. . . go off hours the avoid the worst of the lot.
    Love Noodles

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    Replies
    1. Hahahaha! I really don't mind it at all! I would be a professional shopper if I could!

      Delete
  11. Lately for me it has been the people that need to strike up a tell the check out clerk your life history as 10 other people are waiting in line to check out! Or the ones with food stamps that have a cart filled with all sorts of pop and special waters and snacks and stuff the normal working person could never afford to buy
    Wow - thanks for letting me get that off my chest
    pugRanch Mom

    ReplyDelete
  12. My husband always says that I am the nicest person he knows until I get into a grocery store. That is where I have absolutely NO patience for aisle blockers, slow movers, or children. I get what we like to call "Cart Rage." I am so happy to know that I am not alone. ☺

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  13. Mum goes to different stores for different thing!!! She remembers one store in NY where she swears that the employees had to take a test to see how slow they could work. Speaking of the elderly -- and although you young kids would call her elderly (after all she is nearly 74) she is nowhere like the elderly in the Brooklyn Waldbaums she would go to. Two elderly women would stand before the stacks of tuna and spend almost an hour comparing the different ones and complaining about the price. I could tell you many more incidents (including one specific nice one) if anyone wants to know more, come to my bloggie and ask mum to post about them!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We'd love to hear more from mom!! Your mom is just a tad older than mine. Still young tho!! :)

      Delete
  14. Haha. You must've encountered Natalie once then. Only I don't ignore her. I'm hissing, "You act like a normal human being RIGHT NOW!"

    I usually am suck behind elderly folks. When I say excuse me, they give me the dirty eye. I don't get it. I was being polite, Vern. Sheesh.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Bahaha! Every kid has an off day. It's the ones who are ignoring that piss me off. They also do same in restaurants and movie theaters!
      Also. Vern. Dead.....lmao

      Delete
  15. I am literally laughing out loud at #devilwentdowntoKroger!! I love all of this cause I see it daily. Oh an bluetooth guy always is on a very important call in which he has to talk as loudly as possible so the whole store knows how important he is..ughh what a douche bag ;)

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    1. Omg I know. It's so annoying because you think they are talking to you when they yell "hey!!" and then it's like oh he's got that damn Bluetooth in! Asshats.

      Delete
  16. Oh.my.goodness. The people who can't seem to choose. Like, someone standing in front of the bananas and inspecting them all and picking them up and putting them down and come on. Don't overthink it!! They are bananas. Lol, in all seriousness I probably do the same thing but still, it is irritating when someone else does it :)

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    Replies
    1. Lol that would be me and all the Virgos in the world! Overthinking everything including the bananas! Cause we are bananas!!! Lol lol

      Delete
  17. *snorts* Oh my god, this is epic! Old people are the worst. The damn snowbirds that come down to Florida make me want to cut a ho.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Mostly just love watching people. Have you seen the "People of Walmart" videos? We have alot of those.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh yeah!!
      And I went to Walmart today so heyyyyyy hahaha

      Delete
  19. OMG the Bluetooth man! I was just at the store tonight and this guy next to me in the aisle was talking sooo loud and telling stupid jokes to whoever was on the phone. I felt like throat punching him.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Omg you should have.
      I've got your back. I'll be your alibi. I'll tell them "she was with me the whole time." Hahahaha

      Delete
  20. LOL old people kill me. Or the unnecessary slow lady. Like, it's the soda aisle, nothing has changed in years! Grab your coke and MOVE!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Omgosh I know!!!
      I get behind those people in the fast food lane all the time. Dafuq they doing?? Taco Bell is all the same. Beef and cheese!!

      Delete
  21. This is absolutely hilarious♥♥

    summerdaisy.net

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  22. BOL! SHE probably fits in with the elderly. Never having liked crowds, SHE shops at 7 a.m. when there's no one there but the workers. In and out....with a list. Any browsing is done online!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm sure she's fine!! The kinds of annoying people I'm talking about are not self aware enough to admit it! Haha.
      And I don't do anything at 7am anymore. Lazzzzyyyy as heck over here! lol

      Delete
  23. We have our shopping ordered online and delivered to us but when we do go shopping this is a very accurate explanation of who we see!

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    Replies
    1. Kinda jealous of all this online shopping!!!

      Delete
  24. Oh, I laughed SO hard at this (Hot Pockets!)

    My last trip to WalMart

    I'm buying some potatoes and this guy, shopping alone, about my age (fifty mumble mumble) comes up to me and says "are those potatoes?". I hold up the Idaho Spud and say "uh. . yes." He points at the sign below them and it says "onions". He then exclaims for the whole aisle to here "I don't think those are potatoes missy" and walks off.

    I then spy a much older gent (sixty ish) with a cane having trouble with his motorized cart.. It looked like he'd had knee surgery, so I figured he was new to the carts. I stopped and helped him, telling him I'd had to use one recently and then, with a conspiratorial wink said "don't go too fast, they track your activities".

    Apparently he took my "being in the know" seriously because the next thing I knew he was following me around the store happily chatting away about Elvis's current location and how the aliens abducted him last Fall while squirrel hunting and took him bowling on Mars.

    I lost him in the Tampax aisle.

    ReplyDelete
  25. You've inspired me to do this.Thanks, lady.
    https://mixiepointerz.wordpress.com/2015/10/11/types-of-kids-in-a-classroom-part-1/

    ReplyDelete
  26. You are too funny!

    God bless,
    Xo, Claire
    http://www.littlemissfashionqueen.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks love! Glad I could make you laugh!! Xxoo

      Delete
  27. I don't really run into these kind of people on your list at my store. Either that, or my life is just boring. :) I get annoyed at the cashiers who take forever to both check and bag the items. Or when they put all soda bottles in one bag, which makes it extremely heavy. Or the people who've never used self-checkout and decide "today is going to be the day." Or when there are a zillion people in line and only 2 cashiers available. Those are my grocery store annoyances. Usually I am the one bringing the kids along, but their behavior does not go ignored. :)

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Then you are one of those blessed to not live near ratchets! Haha.
      Ah yes the first time at the self checkout. Those are fun. Self checkouts usually provide a world of entertainment anyway!

      Delete
  28. My big pet peeve is when shoppers leave their carts in the middle of the aisle and go off to get something, leaving the cart in the way of people who need to pass.

    Grrr...lol!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Omg I know!! Another form of aisle clogging! That could be an entire post!

      Delete
  29. Wait ----- what's a supermarket??!?!!?! HA I try to avoid one at all costs...!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Awful! Rachetness in stores is also a world wide phenomena too....haha

      Delete
  30. The Bluetooth Man is the absolute worst. Anywhere. Not just a grocery store.
    I like to grocery shop alone. Me and my husband get along just fine, but a grocery store trip together will guarantee an argument.
    Sometimes, when my nerves are in tact, I will take my mother to the grocery store with me. Love her to death but it's enough to put me in a nut house. She rides the scooter like she's auditioning for Nascar and everyone better clear her path. That and the fact that she's half blind doesn't help.

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  31. You are the coolest, thanks so much for always making my day with your comments!

    God bless,
    XO, Claire
    Http://www.littlemissfashionqueen.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Aw no problem! But still, be my bff so we can shop. Haha

      Delete

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