October 22, 2015

10 Horror Movies That Don't Suck (Ones You Should Watch On Halloween)



This year, Halloween is on a Saturday night and I have every intention of enjoying my witches "brew" and watching my favorite horror movies. No way in the Underworld of All Things Satan am I letting Syfy Network get one up on me with that "31 Days of Horror" nonsense. Exsqueeze me, Chiller Network, but I am the original queen of all things scream. Horror movies are the foshizzle to my nizzle jammy jam. And I am one scary beeyatch.

Too much? #nahhhhh

Because of this, I want you to enjoy the Halloween magic with me and I feel like you might need a little help. No offense, but I have read your all your "Fall Tags" and when the answer to "What Is Your Favorite Halloween/Scary Movie" is this:


I am pretty much like:


I mean, really? #Really? Hocus Pocus is pretty much the Ikea of white girl basic bitch movies. Like the pumpkin spice latte'. And Sperrys. And cutesy t-shirts from H&M with sayings like "Pretty Girls With Tiaras Sparkle Brighter" and "I Woke Up Like This #Flawless." And, AND Gwen Stefani. No, not No Doubt Walking In The Spiderwebs Gwen or even this bitch is bananas b-a-n-a-n-a-s Gwenny Gwen. I mean The Voice judging, weave wearing, annoyingly flirting with Adam Levine, Gwen Stefani. It is like someone needs to whisper in her ear:


But truly, I digress. 

Editor's Note: Do not take it too seriously. You all know your girl is bit basic too. Uggs and shorts, check. Everything from the Victoria's Secret Pink Line, check. Shopping at Forever 21, check. Still quoting Mean Girls, check check check (AND Clueless! I am old school basic. #whatever).

Anyhoo, here is my bootacular gift to you. 10 Horror Movies That Don't Suck (Ones You Should Watch On Halloween). The best part? All of these movies, except for one, are either free on Netflix or Amazon Prime, or available to rent for less than $3.00. You know I am a little bit ratchet myself, and I am all about you having the big fun on Halloween for cheap #yourewelcome #candyisdandy #butliquorisquicker. 

So grab your extra dirty martini, or one of those barfarama pumpkin spice frozen daiquiris and join me.

10 Horror Movies That Don't Suck

1) Scream

Let me take you back to a cold day in December, 1996. Yours truly was, well, a young adult, dressing in everything Express and The Limited, competing in beauty pageants and listening to music like this:


Yes, I survived the Macarena AND the 90s club music scene. It was horrifying, unless you enjoyed Marky Mark dropping his pants or hearing La Bouche sing "La da da di da da da da, Be My Lover, Wonchu Be My Lover" over and over and OVER. For real, 90s club music night terrors made those little girls in The Shining look like the Olsen Twins.

I watched this movie when I was 8. Told you I was one scary beeyatch.

Nevertheless, being a young adult in the 90s allowed me to experience something truly awesome - the opening night of Wes Craven's and Kevin Williamson's Scream. I remember waiting in a long chilly line to enter the theater, and the screams from the audience during the first seven minutes of the film. You know, this scene:

People ran out of the theater. For real, tho.

There is something magical about Scream. Upon its release, a new genre of horror was created; one which was visceral, smart, funny and sexy. The characters were self aware, unlike the bimbos and himbos of the 80s slasher film circuit.


So, pay homage to Wes Craven this year and watch Scream next Saturday night. I cannot believe he is gone, but I know he is making heaven one wild ride.

Scream is currently streaming on Netflix.


When Stephen King read Clive Barker, he said "I have seen the future of horror and his name is Clive Barker." I was quite the avid reader of Barker as a pre-teen, and when Hellraiser came along, I literally begged my parents to let me see the movie. Hellraiser was such a unique horror movie for its time; it explored issues of pain, pleasure and human temptation in a graphic and extra-sensory way. The movie gave me the chills and there were scenes in the film that were done so well it truly makes it a masterpiece.  

And of course, there is the infamous Lemarchand's Box that opens the gateway to hell.

Every horror fan wants one of these just for a conversation piece.

Hellraiser is still hugely popular at comic-cons and yes, Doug Bradley, who played the original Pinhead, is still alive and speaking at panels (and he is #Virgo). If you have never seen Hellraiser, I highly recommend you do, but FYI: it is not for the squeamish. 

Hellraiser is currently streaming on Netflix.


Yes, you read that correctly - the 1959 version of House on Haunted Hill, not that remake Dark Castle Entertainment insisted on producing in the late 90s. The original House on Haunted Hill starred Vincent Price, the original horror film legend. If you or your teenagers are not familiar with any of his work, please unleash the horror master as soon as possible. The film was produced and directed by William Castle, who was sort of "genius" of the scare back in the 50s. When the films were shown in theaters, he rigged up lots of live scares for his audience, including a moving skeleton that flew across the theater during House on Haunted Hill and seats with a slight "shock" during "The Tingler," another classic starring Price. I know all this because my father actually experienced the films first hand. No, I was NOT alive back then. I am old, but:

Not THAT old.

What I love about House on Haunted Hill was the simplicity of the movie. Without today's CGI, or even decent special effects, the movie has some genuine scares. Like this scene:

Gets me EVERY.SINGLE.TIME.

If you are looking for a timeless classic to watch on Halloween, with no foul language or crazy gore, definitely check this movie out.

House on Haunted Hill is available free for Amazon Prime subscribers.


The horror genre has long since been the red haired stepchild of Hollywood, and it is a crying shame. Flawless films and brilliant directors are simply not recognized at the Oscars because of this ignorance. Halloween is one of those films that will always be considered one of the greatest of all time, with John Carpenter as one of our most talented directors (please also see his short lived Showtime series, Masters of Horror, I absolutely LOVED this series). He took a simple plot - the bogeyman stalking babysitters on Halloween night - and made it into something so visceral and relatable. The characters naturally play their roles, most notably Jamie Lee Curtis and Donald Pleasence, who made us believe in Michael Myers. 


But, there is so much more. Something that truly makes the holiday of Halloween what it is through the eyes of that movie. It should be a tradition to watch this film every Halloween, and if it is not, well, my friend, make it so.

Halloween is available for rental on Amazon Prime on $2.99.


If there is anyone who should be named the 21st Century king of the ghost story it is director James Wan. His films are so well done that I will be mentioning him THREE times. Insidious is easily placed on a list of one of the best horror movies of all time. Now, the first time I ever saw Insidious was on Netflix. Military Husband bought me a subscription while we were dating so I could watch Sons of Anarchy. I TOLD you he has always been spoiling me; I know, I KNOW it is just foul.


Anyhoo, I randomly found Insidious and once I saw it, I was like:

Me: YOU HAVE TO WATCH THIS MOVIE.

Military Husband: Oh, ok.

*Two Hours Later*

Military Husband: I just watched this with my mom and aunt and they were scared out of their minds. I jumped several times.

Me:

#yesssss #scaringpeople #itswhatIdo

And his words rang like music to my ears. I live to frighten my loved ones because I, myself, am the strange and unusual. Insidious is such a great movie. The plot is more of a ghost story: the Lambert family is seriously haunted, which all relates back to the father's and son's gift of astral projection. The pace is slow and deliberate, and then, shit gets real.


If you have never seen Insidious and you love the scare, you must watch this movie NOW. In the dark. Alone. I promise, it terrify you. We watched it last year on Halloween night and it really ended our evening with #goodtimes. Also, did I mention this movie makes me think of the haunted house I grew up in? More to come on that later, but for now, make sure to place Insidious on your Halloween night movie watch list.

Insidious is available for rental on Amazon Prime on $2.99.


Director James Wan is back again with his sequel to Insidious. Now, I am going to be honest, when I hear the word "sequel," I am like:


You might have guessed I am seriously allergic to sequels. All of my Lifetime recaps are named after sequels because sequels SUCK. There are only a handful of films that are worthwhile sequels, and the horror genre is definitely not full of them. Insidious: Chapter 2 is an exception to the rule. It should be watched immediately after watching Insidious so you can learn the entire story surrounding the Lambert family's haunting. And it brings back all the stars from the original Insidious. I would not say it scared me as much as the original Insidious, but it is still a great Halloween night film.

P.S. Unfortunately, Insidious: Chapter 3 (directed by Leigh Whannell, not Wan) was not as good. Such a shame.

Insidious: Chapter 2 is available for rental on Amazon Prime on $2.99.


The Conjuring, directed again by Wan, was quite possibly the best film of 2013. This movie made about $140 million at the box office, while Oscar nominated and winning films like Dallas Buyers Club and 12 Years Slave combined made less than $100 million. Again, this "oh, it is just a horror movie" bias in the Academy is ridiculous. 

The Conjuring is based (loosely on Andrea Perron's book House of Darkness: House of Light) on a true story of the Perron family, who were terrorized by the spirt of a 19th Century witch in their home in Rhode Island. Ed and Lorraine Warren, well known American paranormal experts, were called to investigate the haunting. Ed and Lorraine investigated some 10,000 cases, most notably the Amityville home in Long Island, New York. There is all sorts of speculation about the Warrens being a farce, but I find them fascinating. You can learn more about the Warrens here: The New England Society for Psychic Research

Ed passed away in 2006; Lorraine still lectures to this day.

Military Husband and I loved The Conjuring so much we saw the film twice, and of course, we own the movie. If you enjoy a great ghost story, you will love The Conjuring. It definitely should be on your list for Halloween night!

The Conjuring is available for rental on Amazon Prime on $2.99.


Out of boredom one evening, Military Husband and I watched this movie on Netflix. It was a delightful surprise. This is a more traditional "slasher film," but without any of the horrible and lame cliches. The plot - a family plans a reunion at their home and is attacked by mysterious killers. And yes, there is a dreaded "twist," but this one is actually interesting and unique. I found the lead actress, or final girl, Sharni Vinson smart, sophisticated and enjoyable to watch. Military Husband and I also thought this had one of the best "gore" scenes in any horror movie of this century. All I will say is, it involves a blender.


Definitely do not let the low ratings on IMDB fool you. This is one to watch. 

You're Next is available free for Amazon Prime subscribers.


Military Husband and I discovered Trick 'r Treat on Showtime last year about a week before Halloween. The movie is four creepy separate stories that interweave similar to the 80s Creepshow movies (Do you guys remember those? Total comic book nerd girl me LOVED those movies.). It is the perfect Halloween movie and surprisingly really good. For my True Blood fans, Anna Paquin is in one of the stories. I really am not sure how this movie was hidden away for so long; it is a gem!


Out of all the movies I have suggested, this one would be my favorite recommendation for Halloween night because the stories are set on Halloween night. If you have never heard of this, please rent this movie, you will not be disappointed.

Trick r' Treat is available for rental on Amazon Prime for $2.99.


To be honest, I sort of wrote this post to talk about Final Girls because Military Husband and I just saw this movie on Monday night. And.It.Was.Awesome.


Final Girls is not exactly scary or terrifying. It is a comedy, and a love letter to all those gory, campy, silly slasher films of the 80s. The plot - Max (Taissa Farmiga of American Horror Story) is grieving the loss of her mother Amanda Cartwright, a famous 80s scream queen. On the anniversary of her death, Max and her friends find themselves pulled inside one of her mother's famous movies, Camp Bloodbath, and they have to fight their way out to survive. Nina Dobrev does a decent job as the "mean girl" Vicki and Malin Akerman does an exceptional job in the role of Amanda/Nancy.

And Malin is charming, just like she is every role she plays.
#girlnextdoorstatus

Even though it is not a real "horror" film, I think this would be fun to watch on Halloween night to pay tribute to the 80s genre of scary movies. 

Final Girls is available for rental on Amazon Prime for $6.99. And it is worth EVERY penny.

Will you be watching any horror movies on Halloween? What are your favorite scary movies? Let me know in the comments below!

Terrifying the hood with my ratchet weave, I am,

59 comments:

  1. Awesome list! Will have to somehow find a way to watch them. No longer have access to Netflix...! They've smartened up and kicked everyone off on VPNs (waaaahhhhh)

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    1. Oh man!!! That stinks!!! Amazon girl! We love Amazon.

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  2. Great list! I haven't seen many of the later ones. Of course, I loved Scream and Halloween! Have you watched Scream Queens? LOVE that show!

    Oh--I spent the weekend watching Lifetime movies On Demand. My husband was out of town, so I had a marathon. I loved Kept Woman and His Secret Family (although they were flawed) and all the Unauthorized movies (except Full House--which isn't available) but beyond that, all crap. I don't know the difference but the two movies I liked seemed to at least be TRYING. There was one about a bunch of bachelorettes who went to an island and were killed one by one and the acting was so bad, I couldn't get past the first 15 minutes!

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    1. No I haven't! I have heard good things about Wes Cravens Scream tv series on mtv. Haven't seen it yet.
      Lol I haven't seen that bachelorette movie! Sounds horrible!!

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  3. must admit have never watched a horror film - they just never appealed for some reason - life is full of enough horrors (just watch the news) - don't need make believe horrors added to it :)

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  4. Mom told me two of the scariest movies she has ever seen were The Birds, Alfred Hitchcock and The Shining...
    She went to the first Alien movie, didn't watch much of it, with Dad but after that he went with his brother.
    Dad loves scifi and scary
    Hugs madi your bfff

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    1. The Birds is scary! Especially since they really hurled those birds at Tippi Hedren! Did you see that movie The Girl on HBO? It was about Hitch and that movie.

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  5. We do NOT like Scary Movies... they scare the Poops outta Us...

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  6. I remember watching Scream in the theaters. I was just telling my girls that last night that Scream and the I know What You Did Last Summer movies were ground breaking at the time. Also Jamie Lee Curtis is in Scream Queens and I am loving it. I heart her so much.

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    1. So true! And all the ingenues of the time were in those movies!

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  7. I haven't seen any of these movies...clearly I'm not well versed in the scare factor. I should work on that.

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  8. I don't watch horror films anymore. The first time I saw Scream, as we were leaving the theater, my friend made his cell phone ring. I nearly jumped out of my skin!

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    1. Haha so glad to find more ppl who saw Scream in the theater!

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    2. :) i saw the first one quite a few times.

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  9. Bunch of movies I need to catch up on!

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  10. I think The Conjuring is going on our HWL for sure! I am more of a "scaremyselftodeathreadingStephenKing" type of gal...but love "based of true story" movies!
    Thanks for the great suggestions!

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    1. You're welcome! Keep those lights on during The Conjuring!!

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  11. I don't watch horror movies. I have not even heard of some of these!! I did watch The Shining when I was little so it probably scared me so much I never watched any more!!

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    1. The Shining is terrifying! The whole mood of that movie freaks me out!

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  12. I watched a lot of these. The Conjuring freaked me out. I recently saw Crimson Peak. That was also pretty good.

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    1. I'll definitely be checking that one out!

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  13. Hellraiser is one my favorite scary movies, the same with Halloween! You can't go wrong with either of them.

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    1. So glad I'm not alone! I loved Hellraiser. It's just a great movie!

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  14. Scary movies and I just don't mix! However ... I love the old black and white scary movies! And Vincent Price --- he's a CLASSIC!!!
    The scariest movie to me is The Exorcist. Scares the devil (ha ha ha) out of me. I did not see it until my senior year of college. It was playing at some small, we play old movies kind of place, and some friends talked me into going. "It'll be fun!" they said. "It's really not scary!" they said. "It's really kind of funny!" they said. Oh, CRAP, no!!! NO!!!!!
    Seriously no.
    KZK

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    1. Lmaoooo!!! Scary movies are great. I love being scared. I'd love to write horror movies but it's a tough genre.

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  15. You're not gonna believe this but I have not seen any of these. I HATE scary movies and avoid them like the plague...however, I will confess that I LOVE American Horror Story. Go figure....

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    1. Lol! Final Girls is so cute tho! Not really scary. It kind of teared me up at the end because the daughter gets to see her mom one last time.

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  16. Horror movies totally creep me out and I refuse to watch them lol.

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    1. Haha! I know so many people like you! I guess I got indoctrinated early...my dad let me watch them as a kid and he was always trying to scare me lol.

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  17. Ever since I had Pemberley, I can't watch scary movies that have little kids in them like Insidious!!! I get all mommy paranoid and stupid and nervous. And that SUCKS because scary movies used to be my JAM!

    Have you seen The Strangers with Liv Tyler and Scott Speedman? That one scared the bejesus out of me. xo

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    1. Haha! Yes I have!!
      Omg creepiest kid to me was Gage in Pet Semetary. "First I played with mommy now I want to play with youuuuuuuu" lol.

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    2. I have a student this year who said he was named after Gage from Pet Semetary. I was like....w. t. f.
      !!!!!

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    3. Girl. You need to write an anonymous blog about teaching. Your stories are crazy! Lol

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  18. Scary movies are my fave! I have to be honest though, I hated Insidious. It was good up until the whole astral projection part. I haven't seen You're Next yet. Will definitely have to check it out. I don't consider Hocus Pocus to be a horror/scary movie either.

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    1. Really? I loved it.
      You're next was good! It's the twist that's so interesting. The final girl is a badass.
      Hocus Pocus is just dumb lol.

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  19. Mommy is psycho for Halloween and she loves your list. Her all time favorite number one is Halloween. They watch horror all month around here. I will be glad when all this spook stuff is done.

    Ziggy Out!!

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    1. Aw I love your mom!! She sounds like my kind of people!!! Xxoo

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  20. I love scary movies, but not a fan of slashers. We will have to watch something scary this Halloween since we hide out from the trick or treaters! LOL!

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    1. Trick r Treat!! It's such a fun Halloween movie!!

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  21. These movies are some of my favorites!

    God bless,
    XO, Claire
    Http://www.littlemissfashionqueen.com

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  22. Great list! Some "horror/thriller/spooky" films are a bit rubbish!

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  23. I've only ever seen Scream from this list so I think I need to get busy watching!

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  24. I am SOOOOO glad you didn't put any of the Paranormal Activity ones on your list! OMD, they suck! I don't understand why people are scared watching those movies! I was bored outta my mind! There are much better shows on TV! My favs are the classics...Exorcist, Shining, Scream, Halloween. I haven't seen the Insidious ones yet though, so that will be put on my list. I don't much like the slasher movies with gore. Never saw any of the Saw movies for example...so not for me!
    Oh, and I loved The Conjuring!
    Kisses,
    Ruby ♥

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    1. Omg no no NO!! The Paranormal Activity franchise is garbage. They film those movies in like 5 weeks and it's obvious. Yuck!!! So dumb!!
      You will love Insidious!!
      I have to admit, I'm big on the Saw franchise. Haha Costas Mandalyor is hot!! I even scored a limited edition poster last year when the original Saw celebrated its anniversary.
      Isn't the Conjuring awesome? Again you'll love Insidious girl!!

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  25. I just heard about Final Girls when listening to a podcast! It sounds good.

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  26. Okay....I'm the Hocus Pocus scary movie type. Which I know is very disappointing, but I'm seriously a big wimp. I couldn't sleep for days after the first Paranormal Activity movie, and I was pretty sure we also had a demon living in our house (turns out it was just two teenage boys, but anyway). But I will check out Final GIrls, based on your recommendation. And if I can't sleep after, you'll be hearing from me :)!

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    1. Lmao!!
      Final Girls is so cute. I liked it! It's just a big love letter to those old campy 80s slashers.

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  27. Scream was a good time. I literally had to apologize to the man and his girlfriend sitting next to my best friend cause I had to use the little girls room and I knew she was gonna jump in his lap at the next scene with the masked creep. LOL She slept in my bed for a week after that movie and she was the one who liked horror movies. I am not that into them. This is a great list though :)

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    1. Hahaha, that is great! Can you believe it was that long ago that it was released? Such a classic film.

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  28. I hate horror movies!!! LOL! Although I have watched a few of these, I haven't watched any horror movies in years =).

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    1. I guess I was indoctrinated at a young age to horror movies. They don't bother me a bit! Hahaha

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