This year, Halloween is on a Saturday night and I have every intention of enjoying my witches "brew" and watching my favorite horror movies. No way in the Underworld of All Things Satan am I letting Syfy Network get one up on me with that "31 Days of Horror" nonsense. Exsqueeze me, Chiller Network, but I am the original queen of all things scream. Horror movies are the foshizzle to my nizzle jammy jam. And I am one scary beeyatch.
Too much? #nahhhhh
Because of this, I want you to enjoy the Halloween magic with me and I feel like you might need a little help. No offense, but I have read your all your "Fall Tags" and when the answer to "What Is Your Favorite Halloween/Scary Movie" is this:
I am pretty much like:
I mean, really? #Really? Hocus Pocus is pretty much the Ikea of white girl basic bitch movies. Like the pumpkin spice latte'. And Sperrys. And cutesy t-shirts from H&M with sayings like "Pretty Girls With Tiaras Sparkle Brighter" and "I Woke Up Like This #Flawless." And, AND Gwen Stefani. No, not No Doubt Walking In The Spiderwebs Gwen or even this bitch is bananas b-a-n-a-n-a-s Gwenny Gwen. I mean The Voice judging, weave wearing, annoyingly flirting with Adam Levine, Gwen Stefani. It is like someone needs to whisper in her ear:
But truly, I digress.
Editor's Note: Do not take it too seriously. You all know your girl is bit basic too. Uggs and shorts, check. Everything from the Victoria's Secret Pink Line, check. Shopping at Forever 21, check. Still quoting Mean Girls, check check check (AND Clueless! I am old school basic. #whatever).
Anyhoo, here is my bootacular gift to you. 10 Horror Movies That Don't Suck (Ones You Should Watch On Halloween). The best part? All of these movies, except for one, are either free on Netflix or Amazon Prime, or available to rent for less than $3.00. You know I am a little bit ratchet myself, and I am all about you having the big fun on Halloween for cheap #yourewelcome #candyisdandy #butliquorisquicker.
So grab your extra dirty martini, or one of those barfarama pumpkin spice frozen daiquiris and join me.
10 Horror Movies That Don't Suck
Let me take you back to a cold day in December, 1996. Yours truly was, well, a young adult, dressing in everything Express and The Limited, competing in beauty pageants and listening to music like this:
Yes, I survived the Macarena AND the 90s club music scene. It was horrifying, unless you enjoyed Marky Mark dropping his pants or hearing La Bouche sing "La da da di da da da da, Be My Lover, Wonchu Be My Lover" over and over and OVER. For real, 90s club music night terrors made those little girls in The Shining look like the Olsen Twins.
I watched this movie when I was 8. Told you I was one scary beeyatch.
Nevertheless, being a young adult in the 90s allowed me to experience something truly awesome - the opening night of Wes Craven's and Kevin Williamson's Scream. I remember waiting in a long chilly line to enter the theater, and the screams from the audience during the first seven minutes of the film. You know, this scene:
People ran out of the theater. For real, tho.
There is something magical about Scream. Upon its release, a new genre of horror was created; one which was visceral, smart, funny and sexy. The characters were self aware, unlike the bimbos and himbos of the 80s slasher film circuit.
So, pay homage to Wes Craven this year and watch Scream next Saturday night. I cannot believe he is gone, but I know he is making heaven one wild ride.
Scream is currently streaming on Netflix.
When Stephen King read Clive Barker, he said "I have seen the future of horror and his name is Clive Barker." I was quite the avid reader of Barker as a pre-teen, and when Hellraiser came along, I literally begged my parents to let me see the movie. Hellraiser was such a unique horror movie for its time; it explored issues of pain, pleasure and human temptation in a graphic and extra-sensory way. The movie gave me the chills and there were scenes in the film that were done so well it truly makes it a masterpiece.
And of course, there is the infamous Lemarchand's Box that opens the gateway to hell.
Every horror fan wants one of these just for a conversation piece.
Hellraiser is still hugely popular at comic-cons and yes, Doug Bradley, who played the original Pinhead, is still alive and speaking at panels (and he is #Virgo). If you have never seen Hellraiser, I highly recommend you do, but FYI: it is not for the squeamish.
Hellraiser is currently streaming on Netflix.
Yes, you read that correctly - the 1959 version of House on Haunted Hill, not that remake Dark Castle Entertainment insisted on producing in the late 90s. The original House on Haunted Hill starred Vincent Price, the original horror film legend. If you or your teenagers are not familiar with any of his work, please unleash the horror master as soon as possible. The film was produced and directed by William Castle, who was sort of "genius" of the scare back in the 50s. When the films were shown in theaters, he rigged up lots of live scares for his audience, including a moving skeleton that flew across the theater during House on Haunted Hill and seats with a slight "shock" during "The Tingler," another classic starring Price. I know all this because my father actually experienced the films first hand. No, I was NOT alive back then. I am old, but:
Not THAT old.
What I love about House on Haunted Hill was the simplicity of the movie. Without today's CGI, or even decent special effects, the movie has some genuine scares. Like this scene:
Gets me EVERY.SINGLE.TIME.
If you are looking for a timeless classic to watch on Halloween, with no foul language or crazy gore, definitely check this movie out.
House on Haunted Hill is available free for Amazon Prime subscribers.
The horror genre has long since been the red haired stepchild of Hollywood, and it is a crying shame. Flawless films and brilliant directors are simply not recognized at the Oscars because of this ignorance. Halloween is one of those films that will always be considered one of the greatest of all time, with John Carpenter as one of our most talented directors (please also see his short lived Showtime series, Masters of Horror, I absolutely LOVED this series). He took a simple plot - the bogeyman stalking babysitters on Halloween night - and made it into something so visceral and relatable. The characters naturally play their roles, most notably Jamie Lee Curtis and Donald Pleasence, who made us believe in Michael Myers.
But, there is so much more. Something that truly makes the holiday of Halloween what it is through the eyes of that movie. It should be a tradition to watch this film every Halloween, and if it is not, well, my friend, make it so.
Halloween is available for rental on Amazon Prime on $2.99.
If there is anyone who should be named the 21st Century king of the ghost story it is director James Wan. His films are so well done that I will be mentioning him THREE times. Insidious is easily placed on a list of one of the best horror movies of all time. Now, the first time I ever saw Insidious was on Netflix. Military Husband bought me a subscription while we were dating so I could watch Sons of Anarchy. I TOLD you he has always been spoiling me; I know, I KNOW it is just foul.
Anyhoo, I randomly found Insidious and once I saw it, I was like:
Me: YOU HAVE TO WATCH THIS MOVIE.
Military Husband: Oh, ok.
*Two Hours Later*
Military Husband: I just watched this with my mom and aunt and they were scared out of their minds. I jumped several times.
#yesssss #scaringpeople #itswhatIdo
And his words rang like music to my ears. I live to frighten my loved ones because I, myself, am the strange and unusual. Insidious is such a great movie. The plot is more of a ghost story: the Lambert family is seriously haunted, which all relates back to the father's and son's gift of astral projection. The pace is slow and deliberate, and then, shit gets real.
If you have never seen Insidious and you love the scare, you must watch this movie NOW. In the dark. Alone. I promise, it terrify you. We watched it last year on Halloween night and it really ended our evening with #goodtimes. Also, did I mention this movie makes me think of the haunted house I grew up in? More to come on that later, but for now, make sure to place Insidious on your Halloween night movie watch list.
Insidious is available for rental on Amazon Prime on $2.99.
Director James Wan is back again with his sequel to Insidious. Now, I am going to be honest, when I hear the word "sequel," I am like:
You might have guessed I am seriously allergic to sequels. All of my Lifetime recaps are named after sequels because sequels SUCK. There are only a handful of films that are worthwhile sequels, and the horror genre is definitely not full of them. Insidious: Chapter 2 is an exception to the rule. It should be watched immediately after watching Insidious so you can learn the entire story surrounding the Lambert family's haunting. And it brings back all the stars from the original Insidious. I would not say it scared me as much as the original Insidious, but it is still a great Halloween night film.
P.S. Unfortunately, Insidious: Chapter 3 (directed by Leigh Whannell, not Wan) was not as good. Such a shame.
Insidious: Chapter 2 is available for rental on Amazon Prime on $2.99.
The Conjuring, directed again by Wan, was quite possibly the best film of 2013. This movie made about $140 million at the box office, while Oscar nominated and winning films like Dallas Buyers Club and 12 Years Slave combined made less than $100 million. Again, this "oh, it is just a horror movie" bias in the Academy is ridiculous.
The Conjuring is based (loosely on Andrea Perron's book House of Darkness: House of Light) on a true story of the Perron family, who were terrorized by the spirt of a 19th Century witch in their home in Rhode Island. Ed and Lorraine Warren, well known American paranormal experts, were called to investigate the haunting. Ed and Lorraine investigated some 10,000 cases, most notably the Amityville home in Long Island, New York. There is all sorts of speculation about the Warrens being a farce, but I find them fascinating. You can learn more about the Warrens here: The New England Society for Psychic Research.
Ed passed away in 2006; Lorraine still lectures to this day.
Military Husband and I loved The Conjuring so much we saw the film twice, and of course, we own the movie. If you enjoy a great ghost story, you will love The Conjuring. It definitely should be on your list for Halloween night!
The Conjuring is available for rental on Amazon Prime on $2.99.
8) You're Next
Out of boredom one evening, Military Husband and I watched this movie on Netflix. It was a delightful surprise. This is a more traditional "slasher film," but without any of the horrible and lame cliches. The plot - a family plans a reunion at their home and is attacked by mysterious killers. And yes, there is a dreaded "twist," but this one is actually interesting and unique. I found the lead actress, or final girl, Sharni Vinson smart, sophisticated and enjoyable to watch. Military Husband and I also thought this had one of the best "gore" scenes in any horror movie of this century. All I will say is, it involves a blender.
Definitely do not let the low ratings on IMDB fool you. This is one to watch.
You're Next is available free for Amazon Prime subscribers.
Military Husband and I discovered Trick 'r Treat on Showtime last year about a week before Halloween. The movie is four creepy separate stories that interweave similar to the 80s Creepshow movies (Do you guys remember those? Total comic book nerd girl me LOVED those movies.). It is the perfect Halloween movie and surprisingly really good. For my True Blood fans, Anna Paquin is in one of the stories. I really am not sure how this movie was hidden away for so long; it is a gem!
Out of all the movies I have suggested, this one would be my favorite recommendation for Halloween night because the stories are set on Halloween night. If you have never heard of this, please rent this movie, you will not be disappointed.
Trick r' Treat is available for rental on Amazon Prime for $2.99.
10) Final Girls
To be honest, I sort of wrote this post to talk about Final Girls because Military Husband and I just saw this movie on Monday night. And.It.Was.Awesome.
Final Girls is not exactly scary or terrifying. It is a comedy, and a love letter to all those gory, campy, silly slasher films of the 80s. The plot - Max (Taissa Farmiga of American Horror Story) is grieving the loss of her mother Amanda Cartwright, a famous 80s scream queen. On the anniversary of her death, Max and her friends find themselves pulled inside one of her mother's famous movies, Camp Bloodbath, and they have to fight their way out to survive. Nina Dobrev does a decent job as the "mean girl" Vicki and Malin Akerman does an exceptional job in the role of Amanda/Nancy.
And Malin is charming, just like she is every role she plays.
Even though it is not a real "horror" film, I think this would be fun to watch on Halloween night to pay tribute to the 80s genre of scary movies.
Final Girls is available for rental on Amazon Prime for $6.99. And it is worth EVERY penny.
Will you be watching any horror movies on Halloween? What are your favorite scary movies? Let me know in the comments below!
Terrifying the hood with my ratchet weave, I am,