Very soon my friends, you will have little ghouls and goblins (and a few grown ass ratchet ones, too - read more about that at Mili Wifey's Trick or Treating Guide For Ratchets) knocking on your door begging for free treats. Why? Because this is America, land of the free #gimmegimme.
And because it is Halloween, my witches. The night that is all about that "boo."
Many of you will be passing out lots of fun treats tonight. Hopefully, those treats consist of the good stuff or else, well, you know:
Now you might be thinking to yourself: "But, BUT, Mili Wifey which treats will get me tricked?" Well, I am so glad you asked because in today's post, I have for you:
10 Halloween Treats That Will Get You Tricked
As I have become, shall we say, "older," I have learned to appreciate the raisin. The raisins keep you regular. But children, especially small ones, do not need any help in that department. As a matter of fact, I am pretty sure that little kids have cornered the market on poo (including the explosive kind). So, let's not go there. I know you might think the neighbor boy is a real little shit, but come on.
Oh no? Fine, give out those raisins, and do not be surprised when this is you on Halloween night:
What is your excuse for this garbage? I do NOT care that Target put the pretzels in a cutesy Halloween bag on the holiday shelf. They did this because they want us adults to choose a healthier snack, instead of porking out on an entire bag of Reeses pumpkins while we watch reruns of Buffy at 1:00 a.m. (I may or may not have done this once. Or twice.)
Unless you are passing out one of those king size buttery cinnamon monsters from Annie Anne's, nix the pretzels.
First of all, no.
Second, are you not from the generation that was warned about razor blades in the apples? No one wants to take an apple from a stranger. This kind of crap has happened before, mind you, and kids totally remember.
Nice try, old lady.
4) Caramel Apple Suckers
Seems harmless enough. However, have you ever tasted one of these? I made the mistake of doing so last year. Tastes NOTHING like a caramel apple.
Instead, it tastes exactly like one of BabyBelle Pug's sour farts. For the love of the breath of all little children on Halloween, you know, the breath OTHER people will smell that evening, DO NOT give these out.
5) Circus Peanuts
What the hell are Circus Peanuts anyway? They have the consistency of some sort of housing insulation and taste quite a bit like kitty litter. *Shivers*
Just flat out nasty. My MawMaw (God rest her soul) liked to hand these out on Halloween. And she, not surprisingly, never had many trick or treaters. #wordgetsaround #dontbeTHAToldwoman
6) Granola Bars
This generation really blows with all this quinoa, granola, wheat germ, "let's go on a juice cleanse" hippie communist nonsense. I have no doubt in my mind someone named Bunny in upper middle class suburbia will be handing out granola bars on Halloween, all the while she is on her 14th martini of the night.
If you hand out granola, wheat or flax on Halloween, do not be surprised if this shows up on your doorstep:
Wow, you are an asshole.
Whatever you get this year on Halloween, you deserve. Times 10.
8) Condiment Packets
Yep, you know you have hit up the local stoner's house when you receive any sort of condiment packet (Taco Bell sauce, chicken nugget sauce, Arby's Horsey sauce) as a treat.
Could you maybe just leave a bowl of candy outside your door instead?
9) Olive Garden Mints
Yeah, I know, I do not want those either after a round of salad, soup and breadsticks.
AND NEITHER DO KIDS ON HALLOWEEN! You cheap bastard.
and, speaking of cheap......
10) Last Year's Christmas Candy
When I was a child, every so often, I would look down in my treat bag and find this:
Seriously? It is my treat bag, not a garbage can. I cannot even with the bastard who throws out their old stale holiday candy in a small child's Halloween treat bag. If I ever see this in my child's bag, I am walking right back up to their door like:
Remember, it is Halloween, and that clown called KARMA will come back to bite you in the ass for trying that stunt, buddy.
Happy Halloween my friends, and to all of you with children, stay safe, carry a flashlight and watch out for the neighborhood weirdos.
Let's hope he's still trapped in the closet.
What do you hand out to trick or treaters on Halloween? Do you have any favorite Halloween candy or treats? Let me know in the comments below!
Brewing up some Halloween treats, I am,