October 29, 2015

10 Halloween Treats That Will Get You Tricked



Very soon my friends, you will have little ghouls and goblins (and a few grown ass ratchet ones, too - read more about that at Mili Wifey's Trick or Treating Guide For Ratchets) knocking on your door begging for free treats. Why? Because this is America, land of the free #gimmegimme. 

And because it is Halloween, my witches. The night that is all about that "boo."


Many of you will be passing out lots of fun treats tonight. Hopefully, those treats consist of the good stuff or else, well, you know:


Now you might be thinking to yourself: "But, BUT, Mili Wifey which treats will get me tricked?" Well, I am so glad you asked because in today's post, I have for you:

10 Halloween Treats That Will Get You Tricked

1) Raisins


As I have become, shall we say, "older," I have learned to appreciate the raisin. The raisins keep you regular. But children, especially small ones, do not need any help in that department. As a matter of fact, I am pretty sure that little kids have cornered the market on poo (including the explosive kind). So, let's not go there. I know you might think the neighbor boy is a real little shit, but come on.

Oh no? Fine, give out those raisins, and do not be surprised when this is you on Halloween night:


2) Pretzels


What is your excuse for this garbage? I do NOT care that Target put the pretzels in a cutesy Halloween bag on the holiday shelf. They did this because they want us adults to choose a healthier snack, instead of porking out on an entire bag of Reeses pumpkins while we watch reruns of Buffy at 1:00 a.m. (I may or may not have done this once. Or twice.)

Unless you are passing out one of those king size buttery cinnamon monsters from Annie Anne's, nix the pretzels.

3) Apples


First of all, no.

Second, are you not from the generation that was warned about razor blades in the apples? No one wants to take an apple from a stranger. This kind of crap has happened before, mind you, and kids totally remember.


Nice try, old lady.

4) Caramel Apple Suckers


Seems harmless enough. However, have you ever tasted one of these? I made the mistake of doing so last year. Tastes NOTHING like a caramel apple.

Instead, it tastes exactly like one of BabyBelle Pug's sour farts. For the love of the breath of all little children on Halloween, you know, the breath OTHER people will smell that evening, DO NOT give these out.

5) Circus Peanuts


What the hell are Circus Peanuts anyway? They have the consistency of some sort of housing insulation and taste quite a bit like kitty litter. *Shivers*

Just flat out nasty. My MawMaw (God rest her soul) liked to hand these out on Halloween. And she, not surprisingly, never had many trick or treaters. #wordgetsaround #dontbeTHAToldwoman

6) Granola Bars


This generation really blows with all this quinoa, granola, wheat germ, "let's go on a juice cleanse" hippie communist nonsense. I have no doubt in my mind someone named Bunny in upper middle class suburbia will be handing out granola bars on Halloween, all the while she is on her 14th martini of the night.

If you hand out granola, wheat or flax on Halloween, do not be surprised if this shows up on your doorstep:


7) Toothbrushes


Wow, you are an asshole.

Whatever you get this year on Halloween, you deserve. Times 10.


8) Condiment Packets


Yep, you know you have hit up the local stoner's house when you receive any sort of condiment packet (Taco Bell sauce, chicken nugget sauce, Arby's Horsey sauce) as a treat.


Could you maybe just leave a bowl of candy outside your door instead? 

9) Olive Garden Mints


Yeah, I know, I do not want those either after a round of salad, soup and breadsticks. 

AND NEITHER DO KIDS ON HALLOWEEN! You cheap bastard.

and, speaking of cheap......

10) Last Year's Christmas Candy

When I was a child, every so often, I would look down in my treat bag and find this:


Seriously? It is my treat bag, not a garbage can. I cannot even with the bastard who throws out their old stale holiday candy in a small child's Halloween treat bag. If I ever see this in my child's bag, I am walking right back up to their door like:


Remember, it is Halloween, and that clown called KARMA will come back to bite you in the ass for trying that stunt, buddy.


Happy Halloween my friends, and to all of you with children, stay safe, carry a flashlight and watch out for the neighborhood weirdos.

Let's hope he's still trapped in the closet.
#theoriginalsexdolphin

What do you hand out to trick or treaters on Halloween? Do you have any favorite Halloween candy or treats? Let me know in the comments below!

Brewing up some Halloween treats, I am,

57 comments:

  1. BOL BOL! We always get da good stuff to hand out (of course we ends up eatin most of it, so why not get da good stuff???)

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    1. Right? That's like common sense! Why would you buy or hand out any crap; there is always stuff left over. Hahahaha

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  2. Too, too funny! I hate raisins to this day, so yuck! Actually, I'm not a huge fan of candy but if I had to pass them out, I'd give them the good stuff...!

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    1. Yeah, I should have pointed out I like raisins dipped in chocolate (when I eat them) hahaha. Not exactly healthy!

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  3. I'm making sure Mum gets in sum good foodables...by that I mean proper tasty ones, for tricky treats night.
    It's only one night a year and I finks it MUST be done properly, so I is putting my paw down!
    Loves and licky kisses
    Princess Leah xxx

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  4. we just went out and bought bags and bags of mixed candies (which I had to hide otherwise hubby would of noshed it all down before Saturday :)

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    1. Hahaha my dad is the worst about doing that! Drives my mom crazy!

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  5. Oh Ghouls...it has been scary and noisy here my Dad DVR'd a bunch of halloween movies mom and I are staying out of the tome of doom room
    Hugs madi your bfff

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  6. That's the perfect list, I would have added toffees to it, not the good ones, but the cheap ones that are stale and hard as rock.

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  7. We don't get trick-or-treaters but on the off chance someone is stupid enough to come to our neighborhood expecting people to give out candy, we leave a bowl of dum dum's on the chair in front of our door. So appropriate. Seriously, our neighborhood is not meant for trick-or-treating. It's mostly Orthodox Jewish families. We're observing Shabbat and ringing our doorbell on that day is a clear sign that you don't live in our neighborhood. :)
    In any case, your post is so funny, as always! I would sometimes put the crappy stuff I got into our bowl of treats and then sneak them into the bags of people I hated. I'm so mean.
    "He called the sh-t 'poop'!" :)

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  8. In all fairness, I'll take the OG mints off your hands, should you get them. I love Ande's! :)

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  9. LOL I love this post! And I couldn't agree more - kids want CANDY and nothing else - and they want the GOOD kind of candy, naturally. :) The asshole comment is from one of my most favorite movies ever! :) Thank you for the anniversary wishes and for stopping by to say hi! :)

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    1. Seriously. No kids want crap! Lol. You're welcome!

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  10. I had a teacher once that gave out pencils. That's just a big NO

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  11. We live out of town and only get our grandkids and neices kids so they get pretty good stuff. Mini snickers and milky ways - that kind of stuff. this made me laugh
    hugs
    Mr Bailey, hazel & mabel

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    1. Yum! You are good grandparents! Milky Ways are soooo good.

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  12. This year we are giving out Tootsie Pops. Normally we go with non-candy like pencils, stickers, etc. Glow sticks were very popular, too. We try to avoid the GOOD STUFF because we eat more than we pass out. We are NOT wholly successful at this, though, as normally a bag or two finds its way into the candy caldron.
    Love Noodles

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    1. Oh glow sticks fun!! Like a Halloween rave!

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  13. I'm ok with the pretzels, but then again we aren't giving out candy this year. I do however get what you are getting at here. Some people need to put more thought into what they are handing out. My husband tells me every year how this one family that lived on the big hill near his house handed out apples. The next morning there would be 100 apples in the ditch at the bottom of the hill from people tossing them.

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    1. Right? Those things are only going to be tossed, probably at someone's window!!
      Pretzels remind me of my last flight. When 7 1/2 hours pass and all you are offered is pretzels...ratchet alert! Haha I get flashbacks seeing pretzels.

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  14. We don't get many in our area BUT I buy the good stuff because 1) I am a caring adult and 2) I can eat them myself if no one comes trick or treating :)

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    1. Right? You buy the good stuff so you can keep the good stuff.
      I do like Taco Bell sauce tho..

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  15. Am I evil to turn out all the lights and hide in the back of the house?

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    1. Lmfao!!!
      My mom might be doing that this year (and I approved).

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  16. Yes, last year we got some nasty looking candy. Toothbrushes too.

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    1. Toothbrushes are horrible! And they aren't even a good kind; some promotional type garbage!! Egg them...

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  17. When I wrote about teenagers trick or treating without costumes, someone suggested putting pennies in the bottom of the candy bowl and giving those to the non-costumed people. I said, no, give them the BAD candy. We all know what that stuff is. Circus peanuts--definitely. Plus those peanut butter flavored gooey things that are wrapped in orange or black wrappers? Do you know the ones I'm talking about? We always HATED those!

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    1. Omg YES. I almost mentioned those!! My MawMaw gave those out too!!!! I never, ever, ever ate those things until I went to her house and she'd hand me a bunch of them. Holy shit those things were nasty. What the hell are they? Peanut butter poop! HORRIBLE!
      P.S. I call bad candy - goblin candy.....hahahhaha

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  18. I seriously love this list, so awesome!

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  19. Ahhh...the toothbrushes :)! I would also add saltwater taffy - yucch. I've got my bowl of chocolate goodness all ready to hand out - and then I can eat what's leftover.

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    1. Omg I love saltwater taffy! I spent like $40 on it on our trip. The best is the white and strawberry ones. Mmmmm!!! Lol

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  20. OMG I love EVERYTHING about this post because at one time or another, they have all happened to either me when I was younger or my kids. Shared this on Facebook with my friends---seriously the best halloween post I've read this year!

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  21. Thanks for the giggles!! Thank goodness we are handing out M&Ms this year!!!
    Smileys!
    Dory, Jakey, Arty & Bilbo

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    1. M&Ms are yum!!! I like the peanut butter ones!!

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  22. BOL, this is just too funny. But none of those sound familiar, except apples. Guessing none of them are sold here.
    Hugs,
    Suri

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  23. This is hilarious...I have yet to get anything yet, but after reading this it will be the good candy fo' sho'!! :)

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    1. Hahaha. Oh, tomorrow, or in about 30 minutes...I'll be posting a blog post mentioning YOU! So check that out Friday. :)

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  24. Boo for raisins. My least favorite when I was little was the black and orange wrapper candy. Made my teeth stick together as I tried to eat it. I like to hand out the good stuff, chocolate candy bars of any kind because I like to eat it as I hand it out. The less trickers I have the better. But we mostly keep the light off anyway.

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    1. I totally forgot to include those. MawMaw handed those out, as well. AWFUL AWFUL!!! Those were like evil 70s era candy that spilled into the 80s. Yuck.
      Chocolate candy bars are the best.
      Last year, I made treat bags with Nerds, Butterfingers, Reeses, spider rings/bat rings/pumpkin rings, a little game and something else. The bags were awesome. Kids loved them! And Maddie helped me pass them out. :)

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    2. You are going to have them coming back and bringing friends this year!

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  25. Anything stale PISSES me the F off. The hard gummies that are supposed to be soft? Come on, you asshole.

    Pregnant hormones are out of control over here when it comes to Halloween candy. Don't. Mess. With. My. Candy!

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    1. Lmfao!! What's my excuse? I hate when people fuck with my candy. I've got a root canal to prove it-I love candy!!
      I like the people who stand there with the treat basket full of shit and are like ummm uhhh hmmm and then hand you ONE dum dum sucker. Really?? Cheap bastards.

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    2. I just read that a friend of mine took her 1 year old trick or treating, and she got a PILLOW PET. No candy...a freaking PILLOW PET. That pissed me off. Why not hand out a freaking CD or bond certificate? How about some college tuition??

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    3. Wth? Must be rich folk!! I'd like to trick or treat for wine. Or sushi. Or cash will work too.

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  26. LMAO late to the party here but all good tips. We always hand out the good stuff so I can stuff my face while handing it out ;)

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