On Saturday night, Military Husband and I watched San Andreas. While there were times I laughed out loud at the ridiculousness of it all, it was a decent summer blockbuster. There were tons of water scenes in the film kind of like there were in this:
The only difference was there was no Rock to lay the smack down on the bad actors' candy asses in "River Raft Nightmare."
Oh, and it was needed.
It was SO needed.
I am not going to waste any time, so let me jump right to my usual plot summation for those of you who like to eat the ice cream middle out of the sandwich, so to speak. "River Raft Nightmare" was like this:
(Shout out to Military Husband for likening it to this movie.)
The movie opens with Sharon in a fight on the river with a burly looking man, who we later learn is Cole. Sharon will be playing the role of "Idiot Lifetime Mom" and as we have learned, "Lifetime Moms" are only slightly more intelligent than "Lifetime Wives" because some (but not all) are not about that psycho life, see Lost Boy.
Serial Mom, a true Lifetime classic.
We then move to 7 hours earlier in Lifetime land and Sharon and her daughter Cassie are headed for a one day river rafting adventure. On the way, they stop for snacks and run into suspicious looking Jimmy and Frank at the general store. Now folks, horror movies have taught me that anytime you stop at a "general store" on the way to your death-tination and there are creepy folks hanging around, or someone warns you not to go up to that cabin, river, lake, etc, you should take note.
I should be concerned for Sharon and Cassie, but this is Lifetime and I am like:
At or around the same time, the Lifetime Police Department headed by Deputy
Dipshit Chris is investigating an abandoned car with blood on the driver's side window. Deputy Chris also learns that a pickup truck has been hot-wired and stolen off a lot. Yassssssss, we are only ten minutes into this film and they are sending out the ever not so helpful Lifetime P.D.
Sharon and Cassie are screwed.
Meanwhile, Sharon and Cassie show up at "River Journeys," The Lifetime River Rafting Joint, and employee Ed tells them there is no shuttle service back to the beginning, instead he needs their car keys to take their car to the end of the river. He makes them repeat MULTIPLE times that "the keys will be in the driver's side rear tire." This tells me that someone, *cough cough* Frank, Cole and Jimmy, will be stealing Sharon's car.
Lifetime, you are truly the queen of transparency.
Later on, Deputy Chris goes to the Lifetime Diner and tells Sheriff
Stupidass Decker all about the bloody car and hot-wired truck. Sheriff Decker points out that some guys just broke out of county lockup. At the car, Sheriff Decker finds prison jumpsuits in the trunk. Then, he gets a call and heads to see about his daughter who inhaled a few fumes from a local forest fire. Once Sheriff Decker arrives at the hospital, his daughter is perfectly fine and he and she tell old anecdotes and giggle the time away, instead of him doing something USEFUL or HELPFUL like putting out an APB that there are escaped deadly convicts on the loose or setting up barricades to protect innocent people from these individuals.
Why? Because this is Lifetime and we are supposed to suspend all belief of plausible logistics.
While all this is happening, Sharon and Cassie are rafting along the river. Suddenly, Cassie falls off the raft and loses her fanny pack. The fanny pack carries her diabetic syringe and sugary snacks, but more importantly, it carries her iPhone #diabetesbedamned. She climbs on to a bank and eventually finds the fanny pack, but her iPhone has no service. Cassie tells her mom she is going to wander around the woods alone until she gets service and she will be right back, and Sharon is all, "ok."
And at this point I am like REALLY SHARON? REALLY?
So many vital lessons you taught us.
RIP Wes Craven.
Eventually, Cassie sees Frank and Jimmy fighting with an older man named Jessie. When Cassie's phone suddenly rings, they spot Cassie and a chase ensues. Jessie ends up dying, but not before he can whisper to Cassie where he hid the money that Frank, Jimmy and Cole stole. Cassie, of course, gets captured by Frank and Jimmy. Back at the raft, Sharon is looking for Cassie and she runs into "Jessie" (who is not really "Jessie" but Cole instead) who tells her that he will help her look for Cassie. "Jessie" tells Sharon they need to hurry because they will miss the shuttle back to their car. Lightbulb! Sharon realizes "Jessie" is not "Jessie" but Cole instead, and she wraps a rock in a scarf to make a weapon. Instead of immediately using it to escape, she puts the weapon in her pocket.
And I am all:
Then, Frank and Jimmy show up with Cassie and they tell Sharon they need to know what Jessie told Cassie or else. AGAIN, instead of using the rock weapon in her pocket to get away, Sharon does nothing and this happens:
Oh, by the way, Cole wears a really dumb bandana throughout this movie. Because all bad guys in the woods wear bandanas. Remember what I said?
Right. Let's press on. Sharon points out that Cassie cannot tell anyone anything because she is diabetic shock. It seems Cassie grabbed her phone, but left her diabetic pen and sugary snacks in the fanny pack in the raft. Because, really folks, at the end of the day, saving iPhone >>> life.
Cole grabs the fanny pack and a cooler full of sugary snacks, and Cassie is ok again. Frank tells Sharon that if Cassie tells him where the money is, she and Cassie are free to leave. Cassie tells Sharon that Jessie told her the money was at the "sawmill" and Sharon tells Frank the money is at the old sawmill a few miles away. Frank insists that Sharon and Cassie guide them all to the sawmill across the rapids. Suddenly, out of nowhere, The Lifetime River Rafting Joint employee Ed shows up. Sharon tells him everything is fine, but Ed insists on calling for help since Cassie went into shock. And then, this happens:
Frank shoots Ed. Dammit Ed, this was your BIG acting debut. Hey Sharon, when the hell are you going to use that rock in the scarf weapon you made? Or are you just going to keep letting them shoot people and end up like this:
Instead of doing anything useful to save herself or Cassie, Sharon tells Frank and Cole they are "really mean."
Way to teach those guys, Sharon.
While Frank and Cole look for the money, Jimmy hangs out with Cassie, who is eating more sugary snacks. Jimmy tells Cassie he is a "nobody" and "stupid." He also says he met the guys in a bar and told them he worked for the armored car company, which is where the $500,000 came from. Cassie begs him to help her and her mom. And I start to think Cassie is going to do something practical, which is totally unlike all the other teens in peril in Lifetime movies, UNTIL Cassie and Jimmy both give each other googly eyes and swoon at each other like they are practicing up for roles in their high school production of "Rebel Without A Cause."
And I am like:
Every Saturday night, folks. This is my LIFE-time.
Back at the sawmill, Frank finds the money, but to his dismay, Sharon has escaped. She and Cole tussle around in that same scene we saw in the beginning of the movie. Sharon, finally, hits Cole with the rock weapon and runs off with his knife. Jimmy tries to help Sharon and Cassie escape and ends up:
Assuming the Lifetime position. After shooting Jimmy, Frank tells them to get back in the raft. Oh, and Cole shows back up, as well, without a scratch. However, back at the Lifetime P.D., Sheriff Decker has decided to put up road blocks because of those escaped convicts on the loose. I mean, three people are already dead thanks to them, but yeah, nice job Sheriff Decker:
The Lifetime P.D. Doing its worst.
Meanwhile, Sharon, Cassie, Cole and Frank are rafting up into the rapids. The river begins to pick up. Cassie throws the money out of the raft, Sharon punches Frank and Cassie stabs Cole. And then, they take off.
At the banks, Lifetime P.D. Deputy Chris is waiting for them. He tells Cassie to sit in his patrol car. Then, Frank arrives and shoots Deputy Chris and Sharon. But, Sharon is still alive and manages to shoot Frank twice so he dies. Deputy Chris is still alive, and Sheriff Decker shows up and everyone is happy, alive and wonderful and I am all:
I cannot believe I committed myself to recap this crap.
Anyhoo, did you watch "River Raft Nightmare"? Have you ever gone white water rafting? Let me know in the comments below!
My IQ score keeps going down, as long as Lifetime's around, cause I am,