September 22, 2015

Lifetime Movie Network Hell On Earth: Ungodly Acts



Before I start Saturday night's Lifetime recap, friends, we need to have a talk. Lifetime "people" have been coming to my blog and reading my recaps. First, it was Randy Blekitas, the actor who played Nick in The Bride He Bought Online, and most recently, John Doolan, the writer of The Murder Pact. They are reading my recaps, looking at my "stuff" and judging me.

I do not know if my nervous stomach can take this gig.


Right. In all seriousness tho, it really is an honor to have anyone from the films stop by with complimentary words. A HUGE thank you to both Randy and John. Keep making the movies, so I can keep bringing the fun (and the funny).

Now, let's get started because we have so much to cover with Saturday night's disaster film:

Cheap font = crap film. But you know this already.

"Ungodly Acts" is based on a true story surrounding the death of Bethany Deaton, who fell in love with and married Tyler Deaton, a spiritual leader of an alleged cult called The International House of Prayer (yep, IHOP, folks). In October 2012, she was found dead in the backseat of a minivan with a plastic bag over her head and a suicide note. You can read all about the true story here: 48 Hours: Fall From Grace.

The REAL Bethany and Tyler Deaton

Normally, Mili Wifey rather enjoys a Lifetime true crime/beyond the headlines movie; these are usually some of Lifetime's best. But this one, well, I was kind of all:


As a matter of fact, this conversation went on while I was watching.

Military Husband: I cannot believe you are still watching this.

Mili Wifey: Yeah, well. It is my job. Sort of.

The things I do, all for you. #forFREE

"Ungodly Acts" stars Brant Daugherty of Pretty Little Liars. I think I must be the only person on the planet, outside of Military Husband, who has never seen this show (nor have I seen that Gossip Girl nonsense). Apparently, Daugherty is like, one of the shows #hotties.


Eh, he is no Brett Dalton, but whatever, ladies. #MCUofhotties #joinus

As per status quo, I must give those of you who insist on eating the creme filling first from the Twinkie a summation of the plot. Basically, "Ungodly Acts" was like:



Not getting involved with a cult should be common sense. But just in case, folks, do NOT join a cult. Unless the cult is one that petitions, rallies or EVEN threatens Taco Bell to reinstate the cookie sandwich on the menu.

Damn you, Empanada.

But truly, I digress.

"Ungodly Acts"  opens with this:

How I feel after watching most Lifetime movies. #forrealthodawg

Melissa Cooper, wife of spiritual leader Daniel Cooper, has committed suicide. It does not take long before her death is all over the news, and the members of Daniel's cult group get the hell away from leave the communal home. Over at the Lifetime Police Department, Paula Martin, a leader of the Church of the Blessed Light, and Adam Crider, a former member of Daniel's group, tell Detective Miller that Crider confessed he killed Melissa. Crider tells Detective Miller and a Lifetime P.D. Sgt. that he drugged Melissa with sleeping pills and hung her because God wanted her dead for not being a good Christian, or something of that nature.


The Lifetime Police Department brings in Daniel to hear his side of the story and, of course, he denies everything. Then, we see flashbacks in Lifetime Land. Adam meets Melissa in college and tells her that he hears evil voices in his head. Melissa tells Adam all about her best friend Daniel, who runs a prayer group. Later, Adam attends a group meeting and Melissa, Ryan, Sarah and Daniel tell Adam they really want to perform an exorcism on him.

And I am all, wait a minute, I thought exorcism was a part of the Catholic doctrine. And these fools want to do this to you, Adam? Just say #no.


After these weirdos they save Adam, they all head to a recruiting conference for the Church of Blessed Light. There is a lot of hands in the air, singing, chanting and talk of the impending Armageddon.

And here I was thinking Armageddon had already came.


Courtesy of the E Network.

Anyhoo, Daniel heads back to college and tells Melissa and her friend Ryan they need to stop writing because God told him that was a waste of their time. He also said dark clouds hovered over the college campus because God wanted to punish the non-believers. Oh, and Daniel also has learned that he is an Apostle.


One of the members of Daniel's prayer group, Carl, decides he wants no part of this mess. He abruptly leaves a meeting, and the next day, Carl ends up dead or, as we call it, assuming the Lifetime position. Daniel says it is a sign from God. Back in the present day, Daniel tells the Lifetime P.D. that everyone was just jealous of him because he and his followers received prophesies. 

And the Lifetime P.D. is all:


The Lifetime P.D. is not buying any of Daniel's garbage, and I am like:

Yep, I self five, folks. And so should you.

But Daniel goes on to tell the Lifetime P.D. that he and his prayer group moved to Georgia to attend the Church of the Blessed Light bible school. They all lived in a communal home together where they grew food and one member of the group fasted nightly. Adam tells the Lifetime P.D. that when he arrived at the home, he saw this:


The "Apostle" Daniel was running a boot camp and acting out his favorite scenes from Full Metal Jacket.


Daniel quickly tells Adam this was just "End Times Preparedness Training." With that, Military Husband was all:


One night, Daniel gives a big sermon to the group about showing affection, and how God wants them to cuddle and "touch each other." Apparently, it is in the Apostle Daniel's bible. So, they all start groping and fondling each other, and at this point, I figure somewhere R Kelly is just flipping through his own Bible like:

#sexausaruspassages #wheretheyat

Also, when Eric, another member of the prayer group, tells Daniel about being homosexual, Daniel says he should pray about it, but Eric should also do the tickling tango with him that night. The next morning, Ryan accuses Daniel of late night activities with Eric. He is basically like:


Daniel is not happy at all with Ryan, and later that evening, he tells the group Ryan is to be shunned and Ryan is placed in The Shun Room. Adam tells the Lifetime P.D. Ryan was left in The Shun Room alone with barely anything to eat, for months. The next day, everyone attends bible school at the Church of the Blessed Light. Paula and the Pastor do a sermon on the evils of homosexuality that basically goes something like this:


Paula also tells Daniel that he must stop shunning Ryan. Later that day, Daniel is furious and forces Ryan to leave the communal home. Then, Paula shows up at the home and Daniel is in bed with Eric. She is ready to kick Daniel out of the church because a) she knows Daniel is homosexual and b) there is nothing in the Bible that encourages the members to touch and grope each other.

The Bible says no boom boom? #damn

Daniel tells the Lifetime P.D. that Melissa has become a counselor at the bible school, and suddenly, after five years, he has a prophesy that he should marry Melissa. And the Lifetime P.D. is all:


Adam tells the Lifetime P.D. that Eric was furious when Daniel announced he was marrying Melissa. He also claimed Melissa knew Daniel was homosexual, but she was obsessed with marrying him. Nevertheless, the two married and honeymoon'ed in Hawaii. Adam goes on to tell the Lifetime P.D. that the honeymoon was awful because when Melissa would try to get Daniel to mattress dance with her, Daniel was all:

Hey, I don't write this stuff. I simply recap. #blamethewriters

Daniel tells the Lifetime P.D. that after the honeymoon, Melissa was moody and wanted to move out of their room. Her behavior annoyed Daniel so he preached to the group that the Bible says that women should obey and submit to their husbands. And Melissa was not doing either so he tells her "you're about to be shunned." 

At this point, I am about sick and tired of Daniel and his shunning bullshit nonsense. If I were Melissa, I would tell Daniel:


But instead, Melissa admits to sin and agrees to be shunned in The Shun Room. Then, according to Adam, Daniel went into Adam's bedroom, kissed him and told him to do the Texas tango with Melissa. Adam further said Daniel would drug Melissa with sleeping pills, on the regular, and the men in the communal home would sexually assault her. Finally, Melissa tattles to the counselors at The Church of the Blessed Light all about what was happening in the home. Daniel finds out and tells Adam to kill Melissa "send Melissa to God" so that God could save her. 

So basically, everyone was on to Daniel and his crap ways, and he was like:


Because of course he does, Daniel tells the Lifetime P.D. that this was all a bunch of lies. According to him, Melissa was suicidal and had swallowed a bottle of pills in the past. While at the hospital, a psychiatrist told Daniel that Melissa was severely depressed and Melissa she should not return to the communal home. But Daniel claimed she "insisted" she return which led to her suicide by hanging. Furthermore, Daniel blamed The Church of the Blessed Light. He said they did an exorcism on members of his prayer group and it caused Adam to confess to murdering Melissa. 

And, it appears the court felt the same way because Adam ends up being released and found not guilty of killing Melissa. Which has me like:

The justice system is SO flawed, friends.

Two months pass in Lifetime Land and we see Daniel attempting to get a teaching job. Alas, it does not happen because the school did a little background check and it seems starting a weird cult, punishing people to The Shun Room for not doing what you say and your wife turning up mysteriously dead is not the ticket to a successful career.

#toughtittiesDaniel

Oh. And after learning he was not hired as a teacher, Daniel totally walked out of the college like this:


I died.

Not literally, tho.

Anddddddddddd roll credits!

Did you watch "Ungodly Acts"? Have you known anyone who joined a cult? Would you join my cult to get the cookie sandwich back on Taco Bell's menu? Let me know in the comments below!

I joined the Lifetime cult, so you didn't have to, and I am still,

37 comments:

  1. I wuz readin, den I got to da part bout da cookie sammich. And somehow, I lost my concentratin powers.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Omgosh I know!!! Seriously they must bring that cookie back!!

      Delete
  2. Hehe. I'd much rather read your reviews than watch the films, yous always way more funny and entertaining
    Loves and licky kisses
    Princess Leah xxx

    ReplyDelete
  3. JUMPIN' CATFISH THIS IS ONCE IN A 'LIFETIME' REVIEW!!
    BRAVO
    HUGS MADI AND MOM

    ReplyDelete
  4. LOL Thank you for the recap and putting the "fun" in the "funny". I had never ever even heard of the first movie you reviewed about the couple - I know, shocking, right?! Also, I'm sorry to hear about your Cowboys over the weekend - you are in good company though, apparently misery loves company - between my HOGS and your Cowboys, I think we are definitely in for a bad year. Blah

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes my pug BabyBelle is pretty pissed about the Cowboys!! Boooo!!

      Delete
  5. Woohoo! That's fantastic that the Lifetime people are finding you...! What are they saying?? ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hahaha for me to stop being such a beeyatch!
      No, they are actually pretty nice and enjoy the satire!

      Delete
  6. It's nice of the Lifetime people not to serve you with a restraining order.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lmaoooo.
      Hey I'm promoting their movies! They should hire me as a publicist right? Or no? ;)

      Delete
  7. Cults freak me out.

    That's so cool that Lifetime people are coming to your blog though. Maybe you'll get your own reality series? ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Omg girl, lol. I'm the most polarizing person on earth. If I was on tv, I'd be more hated than NeNe and Brandi Glanville combined!!

      Delete
  8. OMG I saw that story on 48 Hours!!! It's on YouTube if anyone wants to watch the real story.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KBQ0EfWs23I&list=PLh4Z38to3Hf5r1EX_lu29tL7FIX9s1QGh

    Of course, like the one they did about the couple on the cruise ship (Deadly Honeymoon), Lifetime took many dramatic liberties. The real story isn't quite that melodramatic.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh great thanks!!
      Ohhhh I loved Deadly Honeymoon, that one was good. My fave was The Capture of the Green River Killer.

      Delete
  9. I never watch the movies. But I love your reviews!

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  10. OMD, you knows you made the BIG TIME when the Lifetime peeps are readin' your bloggie!!! Nows...if they would only PAY YOU some greenbacks or somethings..then we can do a happy dance!!!
    I have to admit, I only skimmed the review, because I've had my fill of Religious wackos for the day (#KYcourtcleark)
    so, I will concentrate on the cookie....there ARE cookies, right??? hello?
    Kisses,
    Ruby ♥

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LMAO. I wish I got paid in something. Cookies would work! Or martinis.
      And I feel ya. Watching the movie was tedious for me. But I made it! I made it through the pain....and I lived to talk about it...for another dayyyyyyyyyyy!!

      Delete
  11. Super cool that the Lifetime people are coming to your blog!

    ReplyDelete
  12. And it's cuckoos like that who give Christians a bad name!

    ReplyDelete
  13. It sounds like they all should have drunk the Koo-Aid. I am also sitting here thinking..."OMG! Taco Bell had cookies?!"

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes. With icing in the middle!! So yummy!!!

      Delete
  14. Did you see that Lifetime is having a couple of "Unauthorized" stories coming up? This Saturday is the Unauthorized story of Beverly Hills 90201 and in a couple of weeks "Unauthorized story of Melrose Place"?

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    Replies
    1. Oh yes!! You can't imagine how excited I am!! BH90210 was my jam!! I saw a preview of Shannon Daughtery acting crazy and I was all yesssssss.

      Delete
  15. Mommy says your reviews are more fun to watch than the movies(giggles).

    Ziggy Out!!

    ReplyDelete
  16. IHOP that cracked me up. Your not the only one I have never watched one single solitary episode of gossip girl or pretty little liars.

    That darn cookie sandwich from Taco Hell I never even knew about. They should bring it back just so I can try it ;)

    Cults are just creepy. I think the church name alone should have been a clue to these morons. Daniel is a freak show & needs to be locked in the shun room STAT!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I just think those shows look lame! I did start watching Witches of East End on Netflix and I love it! It's like Charmed meets Supernatural.
      Oh I know!! I miss that cookie!!! Wahhhh

      Delete
    2. Oh I will have to check that show out. Next week I get the next injections so I am sure there will be lots of netflix watching happening ;)

      Delete
  17. Lifetime found you ~ are you sure it was the real people maybe it was character actors. Well either way sounds like you hit the big show.
    Thanks for being a friend
    Sweet William The Scot

    ReplyDelete
  18. Wow, this is some crazy fun! First time by but I will be back!

    ReplyDelete

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