Over the weekend, Military Husband and I watched three movies: 1) Mazerunner: The Scorch Trials which is, in my opinion, the best teen apocalyptic movie series; 2) The Loft, which we both liked and is currently available on Netflix and; 3) The Visit, the latest M. Night Shamalamadingdong film, which, not surprisingly, was absolute garbage.
At least two of the three movies we saw were decent, and just like How I Met Your Mother's "Naked Man," two out of three ain't bad.
Two out of three times, guaranteed.
But truly, I digress.
Of course, I certainly can not forget that other movie I watched this weekend. My weekly routine which is like a "Lifetime" of listening to a screaming baby in a poopy diaper calling my name:
This week's Lifetime movie "Murder In Mexico: The Bruce Beresford-Redman Story" was another one of those true crime/beyond the headlines Lifetime movies. Bruce Beresford-Redman is an Emmy award winning reality television show producer, most notably Survivor and Pimp My Ride, who stood trial in Mexico for and was ultimately convicted of the murder of his wife Monica. You can read all about his story if you are interested: Bruce Beresford-Redman's Story. Like I wrote last week, usually, Lifetime does a decent job with these "true crime" movies.
But these past two weeks have just been PURE torture. And more torture than the usual Lifetime Saturday night. I mean, as soon as this movie began, I was like:
But I pressed on, all for you. Le Sigh.
Now, for those of you who eat your cake before you eat your brussel sprouts, I always give a plot summation. Well, this movie was pretty much like this:
In both Simpson and Robert Blake's trial, we are left with a mound of evidence, and a divided camp on their guilt or lack thereof. Both men, as we know, were found innocent. In Bruce Beresford-Redman's case, we are presented with the same divided camp of guilty/not guilty. Except, Beresford-Redman was ultimately found guilty with only circumstantial evidence at play because he was at the mercy of the Mexican judicial system.
Being that I am an attorney, you would think this sort of thing would fascinate me. You would think I would have been excited about seeing this movie. But honestly, I was all:
Than watch this movie for TWO HOURS AND TWO MINUTES. I will never get that back, Lifetime.
Let's press on. It is April 5, 2010 and Bruce Beresford-Redman, his wife Monica and two children are vacationing in Cancun, Mexico at a resort for Monica's birthday. Bruce and Monica are in a poisonous relationship, and this trip is an attempt to repair the marriage. We flashback in Lifetime Land to the backstory. Monica owns a restaurant in Los Angeles called Zabumba Cafe and Bruce is reality television producer who works hard, and works even harder playing hide the banana with his production assistant Hilary Sanders. One night, Monica hears Bruce on the phone whispering sweet nothings to Hilary. She suspects he is cheating, so the next night, she goes through Bruce's phone and finds text messages to Hilary. She confronts Bruce, screaming "I will take your children, this house and every god damn cent!"
Now, Bruce, being one of those weird Hollywood types, does not like this at all. One can only guess this will lead to Monica's "disappearance," i.e. horrible death. This is exactly why I have no desire to be famous. Famous people are just plain weird.
No, you say? Need I remind you of this:
Remember, he believes he can fly.
And I could on and on AND on with examples. I am not certain if it is all the money or the notoriety that fries their brains, but celebrities are real wackadoodle ding dongs.
We flash forward to Mexico, and Monica and Bruce are seemingly getting along well. However, Monica checks Bruce's phone and is visibly upset. Just before dawn, the neighbors at the suite beside Monica and Bruce's suite hear arguing, but do nothing. The next evening, Bruce calls the front desk looking for his wife. He claims she went shopping earlier that day, without her phone, and never returned.
Now folks, he waited ALL day before he started looking for her. First of all, Military Husband would never let me go gallivanting around Mexico without a cellphone and second, if I disappeared for more than an hour, he would be hunting me down. Bruce's behavior had me like:
Over in flashback land, Monica goes to Hilary and is all:
Because of course he is, Bruce is still trying to see Hilary, but Hilary tells him that she does not want to continue the affair after she spoke with Monica. This infuriates Bruce and he screams at Monica for confronting Hilary because, duh, no one gets between him and his affair. Monica is upset and Bruce is pretty much like:
Back in Mexico, Bruce has gone to the Lifetime Police Department, except this is not our normal
horrible Lifetime Police Department, this is The Mexican Lifetime Police Department. And these two bozos actors playing the cops overact play it up like they are off to the Titty Twister to hunt down the Gecko Brothers.
Surely this was their first acting gig.
Anyhoo, they talk to the neighbors who tell them about the arguing just before dawn. And the security guard informs them that he never saw Monica leave the property that day. The cops automatically suspect that Bruce is involved in some way or another. Oh, and during the investigation, there is a lot this going on between the cops:
Like they got all their acting lessons watching old spaghetti Westerns.
Back in flashback land, Monica has drained the bank accounts and told the school Bruce is not allowed to pick up his children anymore. She wants a divorce, and Bruce is pissed. He does not want to lose everything in a divorce, and he wants to continue doing the musical muchacha with Hilary. Whatever shall he do? Plan a sporadic trip to Mexico with Monica and the kids for Monica's birthday! He claims this will be a way to rekindle their relationship.
And I am like, Monica:
Back in Mexico, The Mexican Lifetime Police Department, who shall be known from this point forward as TMLPD, finds Monica assuming the Lifetime position. Even worse, her body was found neked in a sewer less than a mile away from Bruce's suite. The cause of death? Asphyxiation. TMLPD is determined to prove Bruce was the killer.
TMLPD learns these facts about the evening Monica died:
1) Bruce did not allow the maid to clean the room.
2) According to the hotel key card, someone went in and out of the room fifteen times that evening.
3) Bruce had cuts on his neck that looked like fingernail scratches.
But Bruce has an explanation for everything. He claims the noises the neighbors heard were a result of he and Monica playing a game with their son that involved running into things. Further, he said that he got the scratches when he fell while taking a picture of Monica and the kids. And he went in and out of the room fifteen times to look for his wife. TMLPD tells him they think it was murder and he is the main suspect, which has Bruce like:
TMLPD do not buy his act one bit, grab his passport and demands he remain in Mexico. Hey, bad acting and all, TMLPD is exponentially better than the regular Lifetime P.D. Those dufuses would be at a bar hashing out their fantasy football leagues while Bruce went on a killing spree. #shittiestcopsonearth
Because running from the law always makes you look innocent, Bruce decides to leave Mexico illegally. TMLPD finds out, and has him extradited back into the country in 2012. Back in flashback land, we see Monica the day before she died when she discovered Bruce's phone in Mexico. Apparently, Bruce was texting more sweet nothings to Hilary.
Damn, Bruce, could you just like chill your libido during a family vacation?
Back in Mexico, a judge is determining if there is enough evidence to make Bruce stand trial for murder. TMLPD believes that Monica was packing up in the early morning hours to leave Bruce, they argued and he killed her. They think he hid the body in the hotel shower during the day, and moved the body/dumped evidence later that night. TMLPD had NO physical evidence that Bruce was involved with the murder and were allowed to introduce all sorts of hearsay. Ultimately, the judge found sufficient evidence for Bruce to stand trial. He waited for his trial for three years in a Mexican prison and was eventually convicted of murder which carried a twelve year sentence.
Folks, DO NOT, repeat DO NOT behave badly in other countries. You will go to jail and there is not a damn thing the United States can or will do to help you.
Bruce REALLY should have rented Brokedown Palace before his trip.
Claire Danes taught me not to meet strange dudes in Thailand.
Or, you know, carry drug backpacks through the airport.
Because it is Lifetime, at the end of the movie, there was some cheesy interview with Bruce that went something like this:
"Are you a 'Survivor,' Bruce?"
"Did you try to Outwit, Outplay and Outlast the Mexican authorities?"
I was just like:
Did you watch Murder In Mexico? Do you think Bruce Beresford-Redman is guilty of killing his wife?
As always, I wear Lifetime around my neck, so you don't have,