As most of you know, Military Husband and I were out of town last weekend. We had the BEST time. A full post is coming soon, but as a preview, one of my favorite evenings of the trip was spent eating at the absolutely delicious hotel restaurant and heading back to the room to enjoy some wine, dessert and the movie, Love & Mercy. I will have a review for it up on the blog in the near future, but let me just say, it will be criminal if this film does not receive a few Oscar nods this year.
Watching good movies before I take my Lifetime O'Punishment is like drinking a vat of vodka before spending the afternoon in Commercial Paper law class (this is the kind of law dealing with banking, the borefest that makes you want to slit your wrist with a rusty butter knife). The booze just
never helped does NOT help.
Kind of like spending an evening watching this:
Now, I have to admit something to you all. I *kind* of liked "The Murder Pact." I know, I KNOW:
The plot was better than most, and there was some fair acting. But considering ALL the movies I have recapped thus far this year, that is really not saying much. And just because I sort of thought this movie was watchable, do not think I am not going in on this bitch.
"The Murder Pact" stars Alexa Pena Vega. She was the little girl in Disney's Spy Kids that looked like this:
Today, she looks like this:
And she is a decent actress. She was in one of my favorite "old school" Lifetime movies Odd Girl Out, which was about high school bullying. You can watch this movie in all its non-HD glory here:
SEE what I do for you folks? #yourewelcome
Per usual, I like to give away the plot for those of you who like to extract all the red jelly beans from the bowl (damn, you people suck). "The Murder Pact" was like:
Except without the badass soundtrack. #bittersweetsymphony
Except without the acting chops of Joshua Jackson.
And Paul Walker. #RIP
Mirror mirror on the wall, what's the worst horror movie of all.
Basically, all these movies have one thing in common: wealthy young people doing very bad things. As a former private school girl, I have a little soft spot for the wicked youth. They are just SO misunderstood.
Right. Let's press on. "The Murder Pact" opens with little snippets of our cast of characters who all attend the same elite college in, everyone in chorus, CANADA.
There is Will, the male model, Annabel, the ballerina, Camille....
No, not THAT Camille, instead the one played by Alexa Pena Vega, who is an actress and Will's fiancee'. Lastly, there is Rick, the star member of his college rowing team.
Oh, and Rick's actual name is "Roderick" which is a name that screams:
Pretentious names aside and meetings aside, we quickly see Camille blow her acting audition and head to a party. At the party, Will has Rick, who is also a drug dealer, offer drugs to a drunk girl at the party named Heidi. Instead of being like hell to the no when she is offered a party roofie, Heidi quickly accepts and heads up to the roof to find Will. You see, Will has been ignoring Heidi after a little tryst, and Heidi threatens to tell Camille about their indiscretions. Will begins arguing with Heidi, and Camille shows up. Oh, and Heidi is standing dangerously close to the edge of the roof:
Hey, Heidi, that "CAUTION" tape is not #partyspeak for
CAUTION AWESOME KEGSTANDS OVER HERE! #dumbass
Next thing you know, there is more arguing between Will and Heidi and this happens:
She is what, folks? Assuming the Lifetime position. Ah, you are catching on my little students of trash television!#dontworryIwonttell
Because of course they do, Camille, Will, Annabel and Rick decide to not tell anyone they were on the roof with Heidi. Unfortunately for them, Heidi's friend Lisa was on the street taking pictures of the whole event. The next day, Lisa is ready to rat them out and the four meet up to decide how to handle the situation. Will thinks they should kill her, and and Camille thinks he has lost his mind. Nevertheless, they all end up agreeing to THE MURDER PACT (so clever, Lifetime, so, so clever) and Camille and Annabel head off to convince Lisa to come over so they can execute the deed.
Now, here is where I am like:
How and why would they get in trouble for drunk Heidi standing to close to a ledge with CAUTION signs all over the damn place? Also, um, WOW, you would think these kids have never seen ANY movies before. There is always one
asshole in the rich friend group that wants to kill someone, and everyone swears they will never tell, and THEN, this dumb shit sort of thing happens:
When I see this is where the plot line is heading, I am like:
Anyhoo, the next night, Lisa comes over to Will's house and demands 4 million dollars for her silence. She drinks a drugged glass of wine, passes out and Camille, who was initially reluctant about killing Lisa, smothers her to death. Annabel and Rick head to Lisa's dorm and steal some of her belongings to make it look like she skipped town. And Will and Camille take Lisa's body downstairs to bury her, along with her camera, under the floorboards of the house.
And again, really Lifetime? Under the floorboards? That basement is going to smell
like shit really bad, REALLY soon.
The next day, a Detective from the Lifetime Police Department shows up at college questioning all four of them about Lisa's disappearance. Damn, that was fast, particularly for the Lifetime Police Department. Methinks something is afoot. And, as a kid (in my Ted Mosby voice), I was a bit of a Detective.
Is that Detective REALLY a Detective? #hmm
The Detective tells Will that Heidi was pregnant when she died, and she had some incriminating texts on her phone about their indiscretions. Will dismisses the entire affair, but calls the others after the Detective leaves and the four agree to say they never met Lisa before.
Oh, and by the way, the Detective is played by Sean Patrick Thomas:
He played Ronald Clifford in Cruel Intentions.
Lifetime is stepping up its game
or Sean Patrick Thomas REALLY needed the work.
Just as suspected, things continue to go awry for the four wicked rich kids. Here is a quick rundown:
1) Will finds Lisa's camera in his room; the same camera he and Camille buried.
2) Camille does a presentation on cyberbullying in her class and a picture of them all on the roof appears on her laptop screen.
3) Annabel receives a photo with "4 MILLION" written across Heidi's face.
4) Rick ends up in a coma after swallowing all his drugs when there is a random locker search after an anonymous tip on drug abuse on the rowing team.
After 1-4, Camille goes to Will and Annabel and she wants out. She insists they go to the police. But of course, Will is like:
Plus, there is some strange masquerade ball called the "Masque-RAVE" at Will's house coming up. We do not want to miss that AT ALL. And folks, things start to get weirder and weirder which has me all:
The night of the ball, "Lisa" tags in Annabel and Will at the ball with her. There is a mysterious woman in a red cape running around the masquerade ball who "may" be at Lisa. The Detective is back at it again, questioning everyone. Camille accuses Will of cheating with both Heidi and Annabel, and Will confesses he did AND planted the photo on her laptop screen.
AND THEN, there is a weird dance between Will and "Lisa":
Some straight up Eyes Wide Shut weirdness.
Kubrick would be proud. Or the cast of Pretty Little Liars would be.
Immediately after the dance, Will tells Camille he thinks Lisa is alive. The four decide to dig up the floorboards, and lo and behold, she is gone. Then, they all receive texts asking for the money. Will transfers the 4 million to an unknown bank account while a video of him and Heidi having sex pops up on a projection screen at the party. Will races to have it turned off, and Annabel freaks out. Annabel wants to tell the Detective everything, and Will begins arguing with her. The argument culminates to the top of the stairs, Will pushes Annabel, and this happens:
Yep, the Lifetime position. AGAIN.
The police arrive and arrest Will, but not before Camille can run out and tell Will he should have turned himself in for Lisa's death. Will leaves in the police car confused as to the night's events. Meanwhile, we find out the REAL TRUTH. Turns out Camille and Lisa had this planned all along so they both could split the 4 million. Camille injected Lisa with something that made her appear dead, and revived her later that evening. The "Detective" was really an actor. At the end of the film, Camille and Lisa revel at the success of their plan, and Camille tells Lisa not to spend her share all in one place. Camille takes her share and becomes a famous actor.
And I am all, WOWWWWWWW #flavorflav voice. For real tho:
Holy Crap. "The Murder Pact" was not too terrible! I mean, they still stole the plot, but hey, the twist beats the hell out of ALL of what M. Night Shamalamadingdong has thought up in his career.
Color me impressed, Lifetime.
Editor's Note: John Doolan, the screenwriter of "The Murder Pact" commented on my blog. He let me know the movie was filmed in Connecticut, where his work was set. You can check him out here: John Doolan's Website and follow him on Twitter here: John Doolan's Twitter. I am, again, honored to have him comment on the blog! Here's hoping he writes more Lifetime movies. And please, more of those weird "Eyes Wide Shut" scenes!
Did you watch "The Murder Pact"? Can you believe I thought a Lifetime movie was actually good? Elsa must be freezing Hell.
I actually enjoyed a Lifetime movie, and last I checked, I am still,